I'd Give Up The World For You

Rukelion's heart sunk. Daisy…really believed in him. More than she should. 

"Daisy…what if she was right?"

Her eyebrows rose fractionally. "Are you planning on burning the world to the ground?!"

"No! Of course not! But I…there are things I've done…things I never wanted you to know about. You wouldn't think I was as good as you do if you knew some of the things I did to get here," he confessed, unable to keep it a secret from her any longer. 

"Oh. Like what?"

Daisy was taking this much more calmly than Rukelion would have expected. Was it normal to be this calm hearing that your husband wasn't the person you thought he was? Because it had happened twice now and she hadn't freaked out very much either time. She must have nerves of steel. 

"Well, there was what that girl said earlier. I DID kill Veese. Personally. Because he had been involved in the slaughter of Katalya and spoke so casually of it when we were on the way to Aveleen. 

"He said that Mirea's army was the most powerful in the world so during the 'fighting' there weren't any casualties. He said they went in, did their job, and went out. Later he said that it wasn't personal but it was very, very personal to me. 

"He wasn't the only one either. I killed all of the captains and lieutenants I knew had been involved. I wanted to kill every single person that participated but I couldn't because it would make my military allies turn on me.

"What do you think of that, Daisy? I killed people who were supposedly on my side and no one ever figured it out because I used sneaky fire magic to do it, the same way I ensured Harland and Pole would come out on top in the tournament. 

"I AM a monster. I knew I would have to become one to fulfill my obligations to Katalya but I never intended for you to find out about it because I thought you wouldn't care about me anymore. 

"I knew you wouldn't like it and I did it anyway. All I cared about was getting my revenge and making them suffer as much as I've suffered. Even now I still want to burn them all to a crisp. Being king isn't enough. It doesn't bring them back!

"So what am I supposed to do, huh? How am I supposed to carry on like everything is fine knowing that I'll never be satisfied? Especially since you're going to hate me for this now. You're all I've got so I never wanted you to know my most shameful secret," Rukelion finished as tears poured out of his eyes. 

That wasn't even the most embarrassing part. He was laughing at the same time. Laughing and crying the same way he had the night he finally finished the king of Mirea. 

What must Daisy think of him? He was afraid to look at her and see her reaction. 

"So I wasn't enough after all," she mumbled to herself. 

Her words made his head snap up. "What?"

"It's nothing."

"No, that isn't nothing! Tell me, Daisy. I need to know what you're thinking right now. Please. I need to know if you hate me," Rukelion said desperately. 

He looked up and saw that she had tears on her face as well and was hugging herself in a self-soothing gesture. "I could never hate you! I said I wasn't enough after all because Juliet said things only changed because I was brought to this world. I thought I had somehow made a difference so you wouldn't go down the path she saw for you but I guess I didn't. I failed."

Rukelion didn't know how to respond to that. Why did she feel like she failed when his decisions had nothing to do with her? His revenge was completely separate from his love for her.

Daisy's tears turned into full on sobs as she clutched his shirt and buried her face in his shoulder. What she said was rather garbled but he could make out six frantic words. "I don't want you to die!" This assassination attempt had been pitifully unsuccessful and he highly doubted that would ever change. Had he died in Juliet's fortunetelling?

Classic Daisy. She was less concerned that he had killed people and enjoyed it than she was about someone killing him. 

How had it happened in whatever Juliet saw? And why, for the love of all that was good in this world, would she say something so horrible to his wife? What sort of person would do that? 

Telling someone that a person they loved was going to die was horrible. She must have been so stressed all this time but she never said a word. Though she had thought that she changed things. What exactly was she supposed to have changed? 

"I'm not going to die," Rukelion said seriously. "I'm probably the strongest person on this continent. Who could possibly kill me?"

His words seemed to have the opposite effect than what he intended. Daisy only cried harder. 

How was he supposed to make her feel better? Whatever Juliet said had to be wrong...but there were some things she had been right about. It might be difficult to convince her as a result. He didn't know what he was supposed to do. 

"I just want us all to be together and to be happy! Is that so much to ask?" she wailed in between sobs. 

Rukelion's insides twisted. He had worried her again. 

He didn't want to do that. In fact, it was the last thing he wanted to do. Daisy's happiness mattered to him more than almost anything but it seemed like all he had done lately was fail in that regard. 

He kept letting her down. Either he let his family and country down or he let his wife down. There didn't seem to be a way to do things where he could satisfy the demands of both and it killed him. 

"No," Rukelion said quietly. "We can be. Juliet's nonsense doesn't change anything. We're all going to be fine, Daisy. I promise."

"You can't make promises like that. Every person who ever did ended up breaking it. I don't believe in promises anymore,"  she replied in a voice filled with despair. 

He didn't think that was fair. He had promised to come back to her both times he went to war and he had. How was that considered breaking promises? Though he supposed he had also promised she wouldn't regret marrying him but she had become progressively more unhappy after doing so...

"Who kept breaking promises to you?" Rukelion demanded. "Why won't you believe me?"

"Everyone, Rukelion! Including you. I thought you were different but you're just like everyone else, aren't you? I don't really matter. I'm an incidental part of your life and it doesn't make a difference at all whether I'm here or not," Daisy snapped. 

"You left me alone to go kill people and it's clearly still haunting you. As long as your heart is full of revenge you don't properly have room for me or our child. You can't look forward to the future when you're stuck in the past. 

"You know what you need? A therapist. But they don't have them here and there is absolutely nothing I can do for you. I hate it. I hate feeling helpless and I hate knowing that all my efforts are futile when it comes to you. All I want is to live peacefully with the people I love but that's impossible with assassins coming after you!"

Daisy's words cut Rukelion like a knife. He had been hurting her much more than he realized, hadn't he?

He never knew. She had been holding things in and because she was such a naturally cheerful person he barely saw the turmoil that bubbled over onto the surface. 

"They won't actually be able to hurt me," he said defensively. "Or you and the baby. I'd kill anyone before they got close."

"That's part of the problem, Rukelion! The last thing you need to be doing is killing more people and continuing to tear away at your soul. Because it's clearly still haunting you or you wouldn't be reacting like this."

"What do you want me to do? What am I supposed to do? I can't undo what's been done!"

Daisy gave him a heartbreaking expression as tears continued running down her face. "No but you can change things moving forward. You can't keep holding what you've done inside until it destroys you. You need to process it and move past it."

"How am I supposed to do that?"

"I can't answer that for you! If I could, we wouldn't be in this situation right now."

Rukelion didn't know what she wanted and that was always frustrating. She needed to spell things out for him clearly. If she told him to do something specifically he could do it but this sort of direction was far too vague! 

Daisy swiped at her eyes and pulled away from him. "I don't know what to do. I love you so much but that doesn't change the fact that what you've done isn't okay. It hurt other people and it hurt you. I want you to be happy but I don't even know if that's possible. 

"After all you've been through you deserved that but chose to keep spreading misery instead of trying to find happiness. I thought I made you happy but clearly I'm not enough. I never am. I don't know why I ever thought that could be different. How stupid of me."

"Daisy, that isn't true! You do make me happy. More than anything!"

"Moments of happiness isn't the same as being at peace with the world. You'll never know peace unless you let go of your hatred.. I want that for you but you don't seem to want it for yourself."