I'm a Walking Disaster With My Unwanted Virginity

Elsa fidgeted, not quite looking at me or mom. 

She understood the situation pretty well. 

In the end, she looked at me. "Sorry. I shouldn't have gone alone."

Wait, she didn't get the situation, at all!

I didn't say anything but just stared. 

"Wh-what?" she stuttered, unable to hide her discomfort. 

"You think I'm angry because you went alone?"

"Then-"

"Don't you think you should be the one to figure it out?"

She didn't say anything and just looked down. 

"Maybe-" Grandma tried but my glare shut her up. 

"I shouldn't have gone to the reunion on the first place?"

I sighed. "Look, we had history there. Or more like, I did things to them. You should have known they'd hold grudges against us. 'Get you there for a reunion, then sell you off to someone.' Shouldn't you have at least suspected as much?"

"But if something went wrong, I thought you'd-" She mumbled. 

"I'd what? Speak up!"

She didn't look at me, just silently cried. 

No one really said anything. 

"You're my little sister. You're selfish and spoiled. Heck, I was one the one who spoiled you the most. But you have to understand our situation. Just days ago, this place was attacked and they could come back any day. You should have been more careful. I'm not angry with you cause you went alone, I'm angry cause you weren't careful and let yourself get kidnapped."

'What the hell did I just say?'

Was it really her fault?

Could she have really prevented it?

Besides, she went to the reunion probably because she was just lonely here….

But it was too late. I couldn't take it back. 

"Helio-" Mom paused. "That's enough."

I took a breath and got up. "Next time, try to be careful." I walked out of the house. 

I was frustrated with myself. I wanted to punch my own face. 'What the hell is wrong with you?'

Our front yard had new plants. Grandma had been growing them, I guess. 

***

The afternoon sun brought back memories. 

There was a time in my life when I used to go out playing with kids. Though I say kids, I only played alone. There were kids around me, but I never really mixed with them.

The only kid I ever played with was Elsa. 

I was maybe 7-8 at the time. Elsa could barely walk. For a kid who was only three years younger than me, she had too much trouble walking. And she was rather chubby too.

Often times she followed me out of the house to the fields. She'd trip maybe half a dozen times and cry and cause trouble everywhere she went. 

I'd tease her, make fun of her but I never abandoned her. I was always there when she fell down. We played together, we laughed together, and sometimes, we even cried together. Though she was the crybaby. 

Though in hindsight it looked like I was there for her and all, in reality, she was the one who was there for me. And she didn't even realize that. If it weren't for her, my childhood would have been nothing but gray. Everyone was afraid of me, but she was not. 

It was odd really. 

Perhaps that's why my childhood was kind of nice, I could look back at the days and smile. 'Those really were good days.' Maybe they weren't the most fun, maybe those days weren't the best, but those days really were, good. 

But that was why I couldn't- 

I sighed. A heap of mist evaporated in front of me. 

It was going to be evening soon. 

Behind me were the fields, in front, the snowy plains.

There wasn't anyone here. 

Just me. 

Or it would have been, if the girl behind me- the shivering girl- wasn't here. 

This was the closest place I had to my childhood memories. Just plain fields and nothing else. 

Only the friends and all that was missing. 

With another sigh, I turned around. 

"What are you doing here?"

It wasn't like I hadn't noticed. 

It was just that, I didn't want to talk to her. 

"We had to talk."

Elsa was standing there, eyes puffed up, cheeks red. She must have cried for quite a while. 

I didn't know what she wanted to talk about. Maybe she wanted to apologize, maybe she wanted to talk about her feelings or maybe there was something else. 

But- "Alright." I thought over things. "And sorry about that. I didn't mean to say all that."

Perhaps it was her fault, but I couldn't fault her for it. It felt wrong to do so. 

"Then you're not mad about the incident anymore?"

"I wouldn't say I'm not mad but, I won't hold anything against you. What happened, happened." I took a deep breath. "You had something to say?"

Her face slightly brightened up. 

I'd already made up my mind about listening to her. 

"I love you."

And yet, when she said those three words, it hit me like a truck. I was prepared and yet, I was so unprepared. 

My breathing increased on its own. I wanted to say a lot of things. I wanted to face her, no, I wanted to… but I couldn't formulate the words. I couldn't make up my mind and I couldn't really say anything. I was just thunderstruck. 

There was no thunder here, though. 

"I've always loved you." She continued. "But I never managed to say it. after all, I knew you loved me as your sister. And though I do love you as my brother, I want us to be more, more intimate."

"But-" My head was down; I still couldn't find the words. 

What was I supposed to say?

"You don't have to answer right now. I know you love Marg. And your wedding, it's just… But, I love you. Even if you turn me down, even if," Tears started streaming. "Even if, I have to watch you every day, with those girls, I'll still love you. After all, you're my big brother, you're the person, I love."

That was both weird and wholesome at the same time. 

Also, probably the nicest thing anyone had said to me today. 

I went closer. I stood right in front of her. I held my hand over her head- thinking whether it was appropriate to mess up that hair of hers. "You are my sister. I'm really thankful and glad you feel that way about me." I gently placed my hand on her head.  "But, I can never see you as anything more than just my sister. If I touch you, if I-" I paused. "I'm sorry, I won't be able to forgive myself. I won't ask you to stop loving me, I won't ask you to change who you are. But, I-I, can never love you the way you love me, Elsa, for I love you as my sister and it won't change."

I had no idea how or why I could think of all those fancy ways of saying no but, as more and more tears streamed down her face, I did feel terrible. 

She was my sister. 

I loved her. 

But a no, was a no. 

She was my sister. 

"Is it because of what people would think of us?"

"No, I couldn't care less about society. I'm just, I just want to be your brother. I want to be there for you, see you grow up. But, I can't be your lover. I'm sorry."

I hugged her. 

She tried to resist but gave up and hugged me. Her hands gripped my back tightly as tears streamed down her face. Her forehead was directly pressing against my chest. 

We just stayed like that as the sun setted. 

The sight was mesmerizing and yet, I couldn't really focus. 

Elsa was in my arms, warm. She was crying. 

But she didn't make any sound. 

Occasional snorts and sniffs were the only things audible. 

I felt really bad, terrible even. But I'd already made my decision.

It was time to move on. 

"Let's go get some dinner," I said, trying to move away. 

"Just a minute longer." She didn't let go. 

Reluctantly I just stood there. 

After some time, she let go and looked up. "I want to eat Tuna." 

"What?" I said, just staring at her. 

"Tuna. I want to eat some." She wiped her tears.

"I guess I can go find some tomorr-"

"I want to eat some… now."

I sighed.  "Fine, I'll see if there are some in the supermarket."

Then again, it was nearly seven. If it was morning, I'd have understood, but evening?

I didn't think it was possible. 

The fish markets were also closed at this hour.

And Tunas were kind of expensive. 

"Can't I persuade you to have some serpent meat instead? You can even eat it raw," I said, walking towards the market. 

"Actually, I want to try tuna Sashimi so, I was planning on eating it raw. But it has to be tuna!"

And she followed me. 

Her face was a mess but she finally did smile.

'What the hell is a Sa-shi-mi though?'