Leave A Scar

Ed was quiet.

Quieter than usual, that is. Sometimes, I think he would get deep in thought, lost in that brain of his. His eyes would drift to the window, and with gloved palm supporting his jaw, I think he would think. Enough to sort through those thoughts (he was having).

I wondered what was going through his mind now, but I didn't have to wonder very long.

"We'll head to Yectora next," he said, speaking to both Al and I. "Ask anyone if they've heard of anything."

Al was silent, and I forced myself not to nod in the absence of his words. Forced myself not to fill in that blank.

"And..." I looked over, wanting to ask what was next, if we couldn't find anything.

Ed just returned his gaze to the window, jaw still in his palm.

"And then we keep searching," he said. "For everything that happens, there's an equal and opposite reaction. Our bodies got lost in the Gate, so that means there's a way to recover them either here or there."

How do you know? I wanted to ask.

Ed looked down, at the floor beneath us. He stayed quiet, and with his eyes gently searching the decorated carpet, he spoke, voice thoughtful. Like he was postulating the world into a few sentences.

"When I was stuck in Gluttony's body, I performed a reverse-human transmutation with Envy's stone as the catalyst. I couldn't have gone through my gate without that kind of payment."

"So..." I blinked, totally at a lost for words.

Ed let out the smallest of sighs, but I knew it wasn't directed at me. His head bowed, his hand went limp, and he spoke, words quiet.

"So what I'm thinking is our solution might be lay somewhere inside ourselves. Maybe, with a tangible enough payment, we can perform a—"

"Reverse human-transmutation!" Al exclaimed. "Brother, that's genius!"

Ed grinned up at him, sheepishly. "Well, what can I say? Guess we've come a long way, from building stone horses to hypothesizing reverse-human transmutation."

Al laughed, while I just smiled.

My eyes suddenly opened, and I asked a question. Stepped out of the line I had put myself in.

"But what could act as the stone?" I asked.

Ed thought, fingertips falling one by one against his cheekbone, heel of his hand holding his chin again.

"Not sure." Al and I were practically knocked out due to disappointment.

"Well," Al began as we all picked our heads up, "like Brother said, it has to be tangible. So things like emotions or mental strength are out of the picture, right?"

"Maybe," Ed replied, thinking hard again. "We sacrificed some blood when we tried to transmute Mom back, but maybe our emotions played a role in the payment, too."

I thought for a moment, mind receding back to the red light Edward had. The one that took apart the basis of Alchemy altogether.

"Do you think, with that power you have, you could bypass the law of equivalent exchange when performing a reverse transmutation?"

Ed placed the nail of his ring finger in between his teeth again, thinking hard.

"Maybe," he said. "This really should be our last option, though. If it's this powerful with the law, I wouldn't want to find out what happens when it bounces back."

"That's true," Al nodded.

"So..." Until we're on our last leg... 

They both looked to me, waiting for me to continue speaking. But I looked away, and eventually Ed sighed, relaxing back.

"Let's just see what else comes up," he said, and we left it at that.

Even with gentle dabs, the ointment still stung. I focused on the pain, trying to mold it over walls and create higher infrastructures. Better, stronger, less breakable fortresses. 

Al and Ed were in the main room, quietly talking about something I didn't listen closely enough to hear. I heard their voices float to the bedroom, though, a quiet area with two beds. This would be the first time I would share a room with Edward, then.

I tapped my finger against a wound, gritting my teeth a little to fight back the wince wanting to come out. I had to be stronger than this...

"Do you want cheese on your sandwich?" Ed walked in suddenly, and I froze, hands positioned to apply the tiny strip to my face.

He frowned. I tried to grin. 

"Cheese is fine," I answered.

He sighed, coming over to sit beside me. "What're you doing trying to apply this stuff without even looking?" With gentle hands, he took the strip from me, and I turned my head enough for him to raise it to my cheek. 

I couldn't answer that question. It was buried deep within those walls, near the center they all surrounded.

So I said the next thing to come to mind, half-wrapping my skirt around my finger. I said the next worse, next stupidest thing. 

"Sorry."

He just shook his head, and this time when the bandage was laid across my wound, it didn't hurt. His finger traced along one side, ensuring it was completely on, and I swallowed down my gratitude, resolving that I was just better off not speaking right now. His touch left.

"Hey."

Ed's voice made me turn and look at him. Meet those eyes set into almost something of a glare. He was angry at me, annoyed, probably. But almost as soon as I turned to face him, the expression fled. Eyebrows raising in surprise as his stare dropped to a spot on my chin. 

"What?" I asked, and raised my hand upwards.

"Don't touch it," he said quickly, ripping open a new bandage and holding it between two fingers. With his other hand, he swirled a generous amount of clear antiseptic onto the pad of one finger. 

I stared straight ahead, blinking a little as he focused on dabbing a cut that ran across my jaw and chin. Why was he so interested in this one? I had others on my face...

He softly used a dry side of his thumb to wipe away any excess medicine. And then, when the bandage was applied even more carefully than the one before, he pulled away from me, grinning wide. 

"There! That was almost too close!"

"Too close to what?" I asked, hovering a hand over the protected wound. 

Nervousness shot into his expression, and I saw a light amount of sweat break into his face. "N-nothing! Forget I said anything!" He was quickly standing up, walking backwards to the door with his hands in his pockets and a nervous grin on his face. "You said cheese on your sandwich, right? Any type in particular? Al got two."

I just shook my head, still a little bewildered. "It doesn't matter," I murmured, lightly touching the edge of the bandage. Why was he acting so weird? 

Ed didn't seem to notice I had my fingers on the wound because he was too busy waving to me while leaning halfway out the doorway. "Okay! I'll let you know when it's done!" His nervous laughter disappeared

I blinked, lightly prodding the bandage and making sure it was on right. Or at least that's the excuse I told myself.

Suddenly, his voice came from the other side of the wall, low and smooth like usual. "Stop touching your face."

I froze in alarm, fingers curling in a half-formed fist. WHAT THE HECK?!

He leaned to the side, grinning at me from over his shoulder as Al appeared, carrying a tray over to the room I was in. He was wearing that getup again, and the thought that maybe it was to cheer all of us up brought a smile to my face. I stood up, catching the bandage wrappers and crinkling them into a fist. 

"You don't have to bring it over here, Al," I said, knowing we (Ed) would have to pay a fine if I stained the bed I was sitting on. "I can eat over there!"

"Oh," Al stopped and smiled at me. "Okay! I'll put it on the table then!" 

I passed through the doorway, looking to the side and seeing Ed leaning against the wall again. Hands in his coat pockets, eyes bright and smiling.

I couldn't help but give a smile in return, and heard his foot gently push off the wall as he followed me to the table where both our food was waiting.

The atmosphere was light, but I figured a comet would come crashing down soon. We couldn't keep up the small talk forever.

But it came without going. Those smiles, that laughter at Al somehow getting a slice of cheese on his helmet. I almost gave a real laugh, which caused Ed's fist to bang the table and his face to meet an empty plate. He slid the plate off, handing it to Al.

"Put that in the sink, would you?"

Al nodded, peeling the cheese off and draping it on the plate. "Sure."

The evening was quiet, after that. Ed stood up from the couch, stretching out his lower back and giving the smallest of groans in his mouth, book discarded on the cushion beside him.

"Think I'm gonna go for a walk. The weather's nice enough, anyway."

He turned around, one brow lightly raised. Saying the question he hadn't spoken aloud yet. "Anyone wanna come with?"

My legs hurt, being tucked underneath myself for so long. I set the book on the arm of the couch, hearing Ed grin my name.

"I'll stay here," Alphonse said, and I heard pages slip as he motioned with the book. He stayed where he was, behind the couch and against the wall, as Edward nodded.

The elder Alchemist was right; for an evening in Eyfuzuk, the sky was brilliantly colored and amazingly warm.

Ed gently kicked as he walked, a slow pace with dragged heels. I looked at him for a moment, seeing the furrow in between his brows.

"Is... Something wrong?"

Some part of me reached out, trying to comfort in a blind room. Reaching for the bed and finding it empty of a sleeper.

Ed finally responded, eyes closing away from me.

"There was a sunset like this the last time I went out to visit Mom's grave," he said, voice quiet.

I didn't know what to say. I had never dealt with real death. Real loss.

Do you miss her? I wanted to know, wanted to ask... Was it any different?

"She's been gone for over ten years," His head rose, eyes cornered with tears and mouth giving a small smile. "And here I am, talking about her like I really knew who she was."

You were young, I wanted to say. It wasn't...

What? His fault? He was just a child... Just a kid... Someone with a sick, helpless mother. A person who couldn't get the right treatment.

My mouth opened, wind pulling in and nearly spilling out into words. I needed to know...

"How often," I asked, "do you miss her?"

A ridiculous question, an immediately retarded skepticism.

But Ed's answer stunned me.

"When my nerves get connected to the automail," he began, eyes opening to sun visors and red skies. "And when my scars act up. It reminds me what I did. What I keep doing."

I was quiet for a beat, and then the part of me that was crying out for some release, some type of healing spoke again.

"Which is what?"

Ed smirked, head lowering and eyes closed to the sidewalk again.

"Searching. Looking for a way to reverse what's gone wrong."

I swallowed, moving away my voice. This was something I couldn't handle.

A permanency I couldn't sympathize with.

"My..." His head shook, wiping away whatever he was about to say. "Hohenheim. He left when Al and I were young. A few months before her death."

"Was he..." the rest died instantly, roadkill on the street. And the nod Ed gave, gaze gently turned away from me, just reinforced the dead animal with another set of wheels speeding by.

"My mom... She never gave up, waiting for him to come back. Waiting on his return like that, it tore me to pieces." He swallowed, cleared his throat.

I looked down at my feet, unable to offer anything.

Ed continued to turn away from me. Towards the street and the gutters that flanked it.

Why couldn't I offer anything?

"Do..."

You

Miss

Him?

I remembered being on that rooftop again, the hospital where Ed had turned away, spouting bad about his father. I suppose not, I suppose that was enough to answer my question.

I'm sorry. I suppose a new wall was building. One that only offered sympathy to the internal listener.

"There was some money left," he began, "after her death. But Al and I just used any book we could find, researching artificial life and human transmutation."

I know what became of that.

He gave a sigh, a narrow tunnel of air through rounded lips.

"I deposited it, when I got my own bank account as a State Alchemist." There was a smile to his face, a nostalgia to his words. "Teacher would have my throat, if she knew."

I couldn't respond. Couldn't answer him.

The sunset stretched on. It kept spanning outward, a display of beauty I couldn't come close to matching. I thought about Winry, thought about the times she was mentioned and the times Ed became deflated at those words.

I could only think, ponder and wonder to myself. Why people hurt the way they do.

Look at me, trying to be a scholar. Trying to fit into a mold, pretend to wear a hat that wasn't directed at a room's corner, stool under bottom.

I just wanted to help, and knew I couldn't. I couldn't come close to doing so.