My Beloved Oppressor

Annette looked at him somewhat bewildered without replying. She still did not have a good grasp of the situation. Heiner asked in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Do you remember what happened before you collapsed?”

“……roughly.”

“You collapsed. You seem to be overworked. Nutritional imbalances, lack of sleep.”

“…”

 “…go back in. You need some more rest.”

“No.”

Annette tried to shake her head, but Heiner was adamant. He pushed her back into the room as if he would not tolerate defiance.

With little strength in her body, she was easily pushed out despite Heiner’s very weak force. He entered the room with her and closed the door behind him.

After Heiner had almost half-forced her to sit on the bed, he ordered.

“Lie down.”

But Annette did not lie down again; she just sat on the bed. 

He sighed at her stubbornness.

Annette spoke as forcefully as she could.

“I have to go.”

 “You didn’t even take a vacation. Consider it used now. I instructed them to move you here. Don’t worry, I made sure the outside world couldn’t see it.”

“If I take a break, I want to rest where I belong. If others find out….I have no right to stay here.”

“I will decide who has that authority.”

Heiner said stubbornly without an inch of leeway, and after a moment he added with a gentler tone.

“It’s an …… order.”

It was really not much of an order.

Annette tugged gently on her lower lip. She was sure she had told him the last time they parted. She hoped they never see each other privately again.

But Heiner had ignored her wishes. Even after the divorce, she was not free from him.

“So this is how it is until the end……. I am disappointed in Your Excellency.”

“Disappointed?”

“What is the reason for moving me to Your Excellency’s barracks when I surely told you not to meet each other anymore?”

“How many more times must I see you unconscious?”

“It is none of Your Excellency’s business.”

“If I had not seen you collapse with my own eyes, I would have tried to respect your wishes as much as possible.”

“You saw it with your own eyes? Where on earth were you?”

Annette asked, frowning. She wondered if she was being watched. But Heiner answered without batting an eye.

“I was just passing by.”

“Then why didn’t you just pass by?”

“I know what your position is at the field hospital. I decided that you could not take a proper rest there. Am I wrong?”

“So you should have left me in the frontline!”

“You mean I should have left you there when I know full well what the situation is like up there?”

“For me, the front is better than here. If I had stayed there, at least I wouldn’t have been under such stress.”

“What kind of stress are you talking about?”

“All of it! All the rumors against me, the condescension about my competence, even running into Your Excellency! Oh, is it good for you? That I am in a more difficult situation?”

“I didn’t know you were such a sarcastic woman.”

“I’m glad you know now.”

Stress and fatigue levels were at their peak, and Annette was in a rather sensitive state. Even more so as she remembered that the cause of this situation was the order to move her to the rear hospital.

Heiner looked at her with a speechless expression, one hand roughly rubbed his face.

“Annette, I really don’t want to fight you!”

“If I didn’t see you, there wouldn’t be a fight.”

“Why on earth do you think that every time we meet………….!”

“Because I don’t understand!”

Heiner went silent. Annette, like someone who has put up with this for a long time, shouted with great emotions.

“I forgave you for destroying everything. I’m not trying to blame you, it’s the truth. Now, I really don’t understand why you’re doing this. Rather, please tell me that Your Excellency’s revenge is not over yet! Because that is more understandable!”

 “Need to understand? I am trying to return what I can to you, and I mean it! Isn’t that enough? Why are you making things harder?” (H)

“I said this before, I never wanted your sympathy. You once told me don’t think about anything and just go with the flow. Because that’s what I do best.”

“Annette, I….”

“Yes, you’re right. I’ve avoided thinking my whole life.”

Their gazes met each other’s without missing a beat. Annette regulated her breathing, which was erratic, and continued to speak properly.

 “So I try not to do that anymore. I’ll use the rest of my life to understand others.”

“Understand others? You? You will never understand —— for the rest of your life.”

“I know.”

“…..”

“But I think I can try.”

Heiner’s eyes shook for a moment. He shook his head weakly, letting out his suppressed voice.

“Using your life to understand others…?” (H)

Ha. A sobbing sneer flowed from him.

“As usual I am not there. Not in hatred, not in understanding………..after all, I couldn’t have a piece of your life, could I?” (H)

Heiner’s face slowly crumbled. It seemed like a very slow decline.

“Annette, you woman……. have a talent for making people feel insignificant.”

“….”

“Everything—everything was pointless, wasn’t it? Everything I did—all of it was pointless. It was going to end like this anyway.”

“I loved you!” (A)

Annette cried out in a fit. Instantly, Heiner’s shoulders stiffened.

“That’s why I will neither hate you nor understand you. The moment that happens, it’s going to hurt both of us in the end. I know that!” (A)

Annette looked terribly sad, as if she were about to cry at any moment, but at the same time she also looked angry to the top of her head.

“How can you not know this, that we hurt each other just by meeting? How can you be so stupid? By doing this it ruins not only me, but you too!” (A)

“Love? Don’t lie to me. You are just a noble packaging for not wanting to step into my life.” (H)

“Yes, it must not have been love. Because it really wasn’t you that I loved! So what do you want me to do? What on earth are we talking about now when I really don’t know anything about you in the first place?” (A)

“If you know that, don’t make such a lame excuse that you loved me!” (H)

Heiner growled like a wounded animal.

“You never loved me, not once! Even after you found out that I had deceived you, you never really even tried to get to know the real me!” (H)

“Because I was afraid to know!” (A)

“No, you didn’t want to know. All these three years since the revolution, you just missed the false image! While believing that you would return to the past, wrapped up in an illusion! You couldn’t even recognize reality………..!” (H)

“I knew…I knew! It was all lies!” (A)

A tear slid down Annette’s cheek at the same time as her cry. At that moment, a brief silence fell between them.

“I knew you would never come back.” (A)

Heiner stood stunned, staring at her blankly.

“That there was no going back.That you have never loved me from the beginning. All of it ……. I knew. But I could not get you to confirm that fact with your own mouth.” (A)

“….”

“Then there was really nothing left for me, no reason to live. Because the best option I could choose is death.”

She closed her eyes as she collapsed, and the tears that had been pooling heavily fell in drops.

 “If I choose to live with whatever feelings I have, but why do you keep tormenting me….”

The end of her words trembled faintly and quieted. Annette swallowed a sob with difficulty and hung her head.

In the precarious silence, an old, old heart pulsed itself. Life without gills underwater to breathe. It floated above, but repeatedly sank back down again, unable to bear the weight.

Heiner stood at a distance, like a soldier who had fallen from the ranks. Not knowing if those coming through the forest were friend or foe.

With a look of fear on his face.

A cracked voice voice came from his tight throat.

“Don’t… cry.”

Heiner staggered forward a step. His trembling hands reached into the air.

“Don’t cry, please……… I don’t know what to do when you cry………”

He held her head clumsily in his arms and mumbled to himself.

“Being with me makes you unhappy… ”