My Little Secret

Ivan drives in silence. He was upset, it was all over his face even if he tried to hide it. He was wearing sweatpants and a white shirt and a denim jacket over it. And of course, the classic Ivan Radcliffe cap. He looked really good in it.

"Are you checking me out Ms. Malitz?" he asks and chuckles.

"No" I laugh and look away and bite my lip. Get a hold of yourself Sofia.

"How's Simon?" he asks looking ahead.

"He's better now" I say and look at him. "How are you, Ivan?" I ask hesitantly. I did not want to push my luck.

"I've been better" he says and sighs. I nod and look ahead. Silence.

"How do you recover from this? I mean, you give your everything to someone, your time, effort. You are vulnerable with them, rip yourself open to them and they drive a sword right through you. It hurts, it hurts so much because you're open. More susceptible to a severe injury. That's what you get for opening up. At least I'd protect myself from this injury if I didn't cut myself open and lay bare in front of her. I practically took my heart out and gave it to her. I feel stupid." He says and hits the steering.

I look at him and smile weakly.

"What's the point in hiding yourself? She wouldn't fall in love with you then. She would have fallen in love with this character you created to avoid a heartbreak. Sooner or later it will resurface and take control over you. The more you try to suppress something, the more it tries to break free."

He looks at me like he understood me. He was taking it in.

"You loved her, truly. You lost nothing. If anything, she lost love." I say and feel triumphant. Sofia the philosopher.

We drive back in silence. When he drops me back, he asks me to wait before I left.

"Sof," he said. Ah, the name was back. I was happy.

"I'm sorry about accusing you about the diary" I say honestly. "It might have been Victor; he's been acting weird lately. I'm really embarrassed, I shouldn't have said those things to you so easily."

"It's alright. He is really good at manipulating you." Ivan says seriously.

"I'll do something about it. I have to get my diary back." I say and look at him before I close the door.

"Take Care, Ivan" I say and walk away.

As I walked towards my apartment, I was lost in thought. The time I got my heart broken for the first time.

My first kiss was with the most popular guy in school. He also was my first boyfriend. I was super stoked about being with him. He had so many friends and so many people wanted to spend time with him, but he spent time with me. I felt very special. In return I made sure to always shower him with love and attention. I made sure he knew how into him I was. If I felt it, I said it.

It was the time when text messages were a thing. He had gone to the bathroom. We were on a date and his phone was in front of me. I was looking at this cute puppy outside when his phone started buzzing frantically. He had got a couple of text messages.

I look at his screen, it was from Melissa Brown.

'Doesn't she live overseas?' I thought to myself. I remembered she had come back for a couple of days for vacation. Everyone in the school was gaga over her.

'Tell me about it! There was a guy I dated here. Apparently, I was his first kiss. You should have seen how obsessed he was with me after that.' Her text read.

It was a reply to his text that read, 'Sofia is obsessed with me man!' I froze mid-sentence.

I scroll up to see the previous messages.

'I'm not into her. You know I miss you Mel. And you're the woman I love.' A text he had sent to Melissa, two days ago.

My heart broke into a million pieces. The pain felt like it was going to eat me up. I wanted to scream, cry my lungs out, I wanted to shake him and ask him, 'What did I do wrong?'

After he came back, I look at him and give him his phone back.

"Can I get my letters back? Please?" I say holding back my tears.

I snap back into reality as I enter my apartment. I walk inside and take out a box, tucked away under my bed. Inside a paper bag, a bunch of letters, carefully put together with a string. I open the string and take the first letter I got my hands on.

'You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Your eyes, your smile, you. You're so perfect and I'm so glad to have you. Thanks for being in my life Victor!' I clutch the letter as my tears fall to the ground.

Yes. Long time ago, some popular high school guy with the same name as my current boyfriend had broken my heart. Déjà vu.