My Little Secret

* Dear Adam,

This might make you uncomfortable but I will tell you regardless, cause you need to know. I went out with Ivan today. It felt good, after a long time, it felt safe. I know it's been only a couple of months since you're gone and I just got out of something bad. Not that I am dating Ivan, but there was a moment we had.

After I got out of the, the song that we danced to on my birthday played. I should have thought about the time we were dancing instantly, but I was lost in the moment I was in. Being there, with Ivan, I felt some sort of comfort. I know you don't appreciate me crying, but I am. I hate myself for thinking about something else instead of us, the moment that meant a lot to the both of us.

Would you forgive me if you were here? Or would you think I'm losing myself and forgetting what I felt for you? The thought of that makes me feel horrible. I came home and clutched the shirt you left here. It smells faintly of you. Are my memories of you fading like the smell of you in this shirt? I hate myself for letting them slip away.

Things shouldn't have been this way. You were my best friend, my soulmate. I shouldn't be clutching on to the things that are fading. You should be here, holding my hand, going to movies with me. Going to McDonald's with me. Forgive me Adam, for letting myself forget you for a moment there.

I miss you. I miss holding you, tugging onto your shirt as I hug you, not afraid that your scent might leave the room. I miss your hand in my hair, your soft lips on my forehead, kissing me, assuring me that things will be fine. I need you. I will always need you.

Will write again soon,

Sofia. *

By the end of the letter I couldn't read anything. My vision was blurry because of the tears.

I realized I had begun to like Sofia Malitz when we had a moment in the car. There was so much life in her when I saw her today and then it all suddenly went down after we had our moment in the car. Like she had remembered something that had hurt her so much in the past. I vowed to myself in that moment that I was going to be there for her. She didn't need to put herself through that.

I had picked her up from work and she came sprinting into the car. Her energy level was insane. She started talking about her day and the way she spoke; I could just listen to her all day. She was full of life. She brought sunshine into the boring car with her enthusiasm. It was refreshing to listen to her.

Her story was going to be published by the company she worked for. I was extremely elated by that news. I was considering producing the movie of her story as well. Slow down, Ivan.

When I got out of the car and opened the door for her, there was a song that was playing on the radio, All out of love. Catherine and I had danced on that song at a charity ball. She looked gorgeous in the gown, but in that moment, all I could think of was Sofia. We had a brief moment, where I forgot what my surroundings were. She had felt it too.

A second after that was when she realized something. Perhaps something from her past, she was hesitant and quite after that. I did not want to ambush her, so I let her be. I dropped her back home.

I drove back home, agitated the whole way. I was probably never going to see her again. What surprised me was, it made me sad.