North x Northwest

“Ah, Gualtiero. Right. That’s a bit of a headache.”

“A headache? Is that all you can say?! You… you have no conscience!”

“I was meaning to talk to you about this as soon as you woke up… Ack!”

Ed, who continued to step back, eventually hit part of his back on the cembalo. When he stumbled for a moment, Lil took advantage of the opportunity and landed a few successful slaps. Even though the force coming from her attack was in normal circumstances insignificant, it was now enough for Ed to almost fall backwards onto the chair belonging to the instrument, making the chair’s legs screech briefly in the process. In a last futile attempt to regain his balance, Ed’s hand swung in the air and pressed hard on the keyboard.

High-pitched notes sounded sharp as if large and small pieces of glass broke apart.

Startled, Lil stopped. Ed, who was about to block her attack with his other arm, paused too. The sound’s reverberation only faded after their gazes became tightly intertwined. With the cembalo standing close to the window, Lil and Ed were now both illuminated by the bright light coming into the music room. 

‘In the light floating with fine dust, this man appears so bright. His green eyes are exactly as I remember them. The man looking up at me in silence is like ‘Ed’. The ‘Ed’ I knew was as bright as this, so there’s no way I’m mistaken, there’s only ‘Ed’ and no one else. Until he was thrown out of the Bell Rock, I had no idea what kind of gaze he had been looking at me. Previously, I couldn’t figure it out. But now, this man in front of me is neither an illusion nor a delusion, no matter how much I try to deny it. He isn’t an actor fresh from the stage. From the beginning until now, he hasn’t changed…’

Lil decisively lowered her hand as though she were under a spell.

“It’s been over a day since the first time I woke up, so tell me now. Come on, now.”

“…”

Ed, who was observing the resolute Lil, adjusted his chair and sat quietly in front of her. Lil casually leaned on the cembalo, but because the keyboard made a loud noise, she hastily jerked up. As she stood there and fidgeted in embarrassment, Ed took her hand. No, he didn’t take her hand, he grabbed her wrist. Lil’s fingers went up in a half-closed shape and landed on Ed’s cheek and temple. Lil’s hand, controlled by Ed, passed his forehead and swept his head. Her fingertips broke through his soft hair over and over again. She watched the man moving her hand with his own and found it more upsetting than funny that he was sitting so carefree while basically stroking himself.

“There’s still a lot left unsaid. I have a lot to ask and even more things to be angry about. So, don’t act like a peaceful ending has arrived.”

“I have a lot left to say, too.”

“But… then… why are you like this?”

“Well…”

“I mean. I can’t do this… I can’t simply move on like this because I’m still very angry…”

As if he couldn’t already be more at ease, Ed relaxed even more. Lil bit her lip impatiently when he muttered something in an incomprehensible voice.

“…Hmmm…”

She couldn’t stand it anymore and slapped him on the shoulder.

“Hmm? Did the cat get your tongue? How can you take your time with a face like that? You know how worried I am. So tell me now!”

Ed, who hadn’t reacted once, continued to guide her fingers over his cheek. Then, he slowly let go of her wrist. Her hand now covered half of his face. Lil was about to lower her freed hand when…

“Only if you touch me…”

Lil frowned, not understanding what she was hearing. Still, Ed’s eyes were the same as he looked up at her. Lil tried to guess what he meant and glanced at the three bottles of alcohol rolling around the chair’s legs.

“I think you’re out of your mind. I bet you’ll regret this once you’re sober. So quit it, all right?”

“…”

“You don’t seem to hate it now, but if you let me touch you…”

Ed didn’t seem to understand her words either. 

‘He must be drunk or something… Is he really waiting for me to touch his cheek? Will he really tell me about my crew if I do this for him?’ 

Lil rolled her eyes until she met Ed’s. The light from the window was gathering on his face, and a languid halo shone in his eyes. Lil swallowed her dry saliva and moved her hand clumsily.

She stroked Ed’s face for a while longer. In the meantime, she tried to put pressure on him by not closing or turning her gaze away. Her head was desperately calculating how long she would have to do this. 

‘Till now I only touched his cheek, but seeing no reaction, it doesn’t appear that I only need to do that…’

Her hand moved upwards and gently touched his temples and forehead. Nonetheless, Ed didn’t appear satisfied. Lil’s obligatory movement came to a halt when she brushed against Ed’s brow. It was because of the rough scars she suddenly felt under her fingertips. Lil raised her eyes and took a closer look. Ed’s scar, extending all the way to his scalp, tore the area around his forehead in several stripes.

‘They’re all different in size and length…’

There was no way Lil didn’t know what left them behind and she finally realised what he wanted her to touch*.

‘That night. When the waves were calm under a bright moonlit sky. When I collapsed and looked down at the sea*… Now that I’m seeing this, I have no choice but to return to that very night… It doesn’t matter who Ed is, what he is, or what others call him. Looking back, it all feels so meaningless, all the reasons why I felt like I shouldn’t be sorry for that incident and why I should stand by my decision… All that matters is how Ed is doing. How much pain he was in, and how much it hurt, that’s all that I care about now. If only I can soothe the pain that must’ve been unbearable for him…’

Lil muttered words she would never have been able to say if it hadn’t been for this moment.

“…I’m sorry…”

“…”

As her hand covered his forehead like a blanket, Lil repeated it over and over again. Her thumb caressed the rough skin tirelessly.

“…I shouldn’t have left you like that…”

“…”

Lil squeezed her voice out with difficulty due to the lump in her throat. When she said what she wanted to say, Ed finally turned his gaze towards her after averting it for some time. He blinked quickly as if trying to calm his heated eyes.

“I should’ve checked up on you at least once…”

“…”

His eyelashes appeared damp and his face remained still like he was holding back.

“That’s why, I’m truly sorry…”

Ed jumped up and wrapped Lil in an embrace. As Lil couldn’t bear to push him away, she held still. Ed exhaled heavily, burying his face deep in the nape of her neck. Lil was at a loss for what to do with the man whose shoulders were bobbing up and down, and she eventually decided to brush his back in comfort. 

Ed enjoyed the sensation of his body being held by Lil and holding Lil himself. Lil, on the other hand, didn’t really know what to think of the situation. 

‘It has only been a few minutes since I uttered contemptuous vitriol about hating him, and it has only been mere hours when I thought of Ed as the horrifying man from the rumours. But in the end, it has come to this…’

Perhaps Lil knew instinctively that she wouldn’t be able to reject him. And that was what made her afraid to face Ed. She had the vague premonition that seeing him would cause her to turn away from the direction she had fixed herself on.

Lil let out a deep sigh and released the tension that had been stiffening her body. At some point, Ed remained still and stopped moving. But not long after he suddenly raised his head and pushed her shoulder.

“Just so you know, I’m not sleeping.” 

‘I thought he had been shedding tears, but he looks better than I expected.’ 

Ed’s eyes weren’t swollen nor were there any traces of tears left. Besides the beginning of a straw nest on top of his head, his further clean face glared at Lil. 

“I can’t believe I had to wait this long.”

“Ha, Well… How… how was I supposed to know what you were getting at?..”

Lil lamented to herself how she possibly could’ve known something that she only noticed a few minutes ago. 

‘I never expected for Ed to come out so vulnerable.’ 

Lil wasn’t used to men digging into her arms and claiming to be hurt. 

‘All the men I know are either strong, believe they’re strong, or at least pretend to be strong.’

Regarding this subject, she had been raised the old-fashioned way. Men didn’t show any weakness, only women did. So she had never had someone from the opposite sex asking her so openly for a hug.

“I did it because I felt like it.”

Ed laughed brightly. Lil instantly became dubious and questioned while frowning at him.

“You didn’t just pretend to cry, did you?”

“Well…”

Her mouth dropped open at how Ed said that so shamelessly.

– – – – –

Reference: 

‘Ed’s scars, extending all the way to his scalp, tore the area around his forehead in several small stripes.’ = Chapter 136, maybe your first thought went out to the time Lil slipped and hit Ed on the forehead with her teeth, but this scar is actually made by Courant during the torture scene. Courant hit Ed on the head with a round paperweight, knocking Ed out.

“That night. When the waves were calm under a bright moonlit sky. When I collapsed and looked down at the sea…” = Chapter 134, Lil is talking about the night when Ed got tortured and thrown overboard. After everybody left, Lil collapsed and looked at the sea.