Only Mine

Monday morning I walk into the office and I'm sent right away to the office of my boss Elena, realizing all hell broke loose. We've almost lost one of our biggest clients, because of some newbie error (that thankfully wasn't made by me) and now we'll have to work twice as fast and for less money on their new project for them to not leave our firm.

As soon as I enter her office, she starts barking orders at me from all directions, so I barely have time to pull out my iPad and start making notes for all the things we'll require.

It's not until 1 p.m. that I manage to breathe and steal away for a quick bite before we return back to work. Luckily I don't have classes today, so I can devote my time and be the best PA my boss can get. And hoping she won't forget it when it's time for promotion.

I walk down to the coffee shop and when I finally manage to sit down with my cup of coffee and a sandwich, I let myself breathe and relax from the hectic morning.

My lips curve upwards when memories of the previous day flood my mind.

It was a spectacular day. Jake took us to a cute little restaurant for one of the best Benedict Eggs I've ever eaten and we've spent the entire meal talking and laughing at the stories of me and Becca, wedding preparations, and what he and Brian were up to in earlier age. I could see women falling in line for both of them if they were so charming. They still do for Jake, obviously.

After that we were driving in his comfortable car for almost an hour to the secret destination that he mentioned was his favourite place around here.

To my surprise we stopped next to a medium-sized cottage that I, later on, found out was his parents', but they don't use it much since they live in England now. The place looked so warm and homey with its light brown wood shell and rustic interior with just the right amount of luxury apparatus to make it look sophisticated yet not intimidating.

What took my breath away, however, was the winter garden surrounded by tall glass windows that overlook a big lake. It looked out of this world with noon sun shining on the water, appearing as the surface of the deep green lake is bathed in diamonds.

I stopped in front of the glass doors, looking out in awe without uttering a single word. It was the most serene and peaceful moment I had in a long time.

His big hands pulled me back and hug my waist from behind, letting me take in the view with his warm breath on my neck. He didn't interrupt my gazing, just pressed a small kiss to the top of my head, and held me tight. We stood like that for a few minutes before I turned around in his arms, giving him a long lazy kiss.

"I take it you like the place?"

"'Like' is an understatement of the year. I can see why this is your getaway."

We kept on standing there, my hands around his neck and his resting on my hips, smiling at each other.

"There isn't a lot of things I use that are from my parents. But this place... I think I mostly cherish it because it has one of the few good memories I have of my childhood."

The conversation took a serious turn and I was dying to find out what's the story behind it.

"You don't have a good relationship with them?"

He sighed and slowly led us to a nearby sofa to sit down.

"It's not that they are bad parents. There were no domestic issues if you are thinking something like that. It's just that they didn't want kids in particular and my mother getting pregnant was more of an accident than a planned occurrence. They provided me with everything I needed, materialistically speaking, but if they had an option between spending time with me during my summer holidays or go travel to Caribbean's, well let's just say... I wasn't their top priority."

It broke my heart hearing him say this, but he didn't let me dwell on it too much.

"Hey, you don't have to feel sorry for me. I had Brian and his parents. They took me in all the time and I felt more part of their family than my own. This is why I have a special bond with Brian, even though I didn't see him as much the past 4 years that I had a job in London and was living there."

Mhm, it makes sense now why I haven't met Jake before the engagement party.

"But I'm happy I'm here now for his wedding and I'm even happier to be able to meet you. And since Brian knows me since I was a kid, he is aware of my relationship with women and it isn't something he's proud of or even agrees with. But he realizes it's something it works for me, so he doesn't interfere much."

He laughs lightly when continuing, "This will probably change if he hears who is my new woman."

"And that is why you want to keep a low-profile about us?"

"Also, yes. You know I didn't want to pursue this at first because he would never forgive me for messing with you. And I was on the same page with him, I knew you deserved more. No, I know you deserve more. But I'm a selfish bastard, and since it seemed I couldn't stay away from you no matter how much I tried, I got involved with you anyway."

There was remorse in his eyes and I really didn't like it. I wanted him to enjoy his time with me without regrets or thinking about 'what ifs'.

"Jake, it's not like you forced me into anything. If anyone, it was me who tried to make you cave. Stop feeling bad for it. We both agreed this is not a relationship, there is no pressure and we'll just go with the flow.

So, what do you want to do here?"

He gave me a small smile at my attempt to change the topic and pulled me in for a kiss, his mouth capturing mine and our tongues intertwining until we were both panting. He broke the kiss and his eyes were slightly glazed from lust.

"If we continue like this, there won't be time to show you the best part of this place."

With his eyes twinkling, he continues, "I was planning to take you out on a boat and show you around the lake. Most likely it will be chilly out on the lake, but I brought some warm blankets and a prepared thermos of hot coffee. Are you are up for it?"

He was a bit unsure when asking, but I loved the idea.

"Of course, it sounds like a plan."

We've spent a good 2 hours out on the lake, cruising around, talking about everything and nothing, drinking coffee and snuggling under warm blankets. It was a beautiful day and I found about Jake more things than I hoped for.

Nevertheless, the story about him not wanting any kind of relationship was still intact. And I was almost scared of finding out what I was up against. Because quite frankly, I wanted him. The whole him, not just at night for a mind-blowing sex.

Phone beeping in my purse startled me from daydreaming in the middle of taking a sip of my coffee and I almost spilled myself with the cup's content. Seriously, what is it with me and coffee?

Considering the name of my boss was flashing on my phone I picked my takeaway cup and scurried out of the place before picking up. The day wasn't over yet.

--

The next few weeks passed pretty the same. I worked, studied a lot, preparing for midterm exams, and juggle all my free time between family and Jake.

And Jake took a lot of my free time. Not that I minded. We ended up together almost every night, except on the weekend when he was busy at the club. However, he always made sure the lines didn't get too blurry. We mostly hung out at my place and every night after crazy perfect sex, he stayed with me in bed until I fell asleep and then snuck out before morning, letting me wake up every time to an empty bed.

I knew what was our agreement and precisely that was the reason I didn't push on the subject, but I can't say it didn't hurt every morning a bit more waking up this way. The subject never opened during our conversations and he never offered an explanation. So, I let it be, feeling too big of a coward, afraid to scare him away.

We didn't hang out much with our friends and family at the same time, trying to avoid anyone finding out what's happening. Nonetheless, Becca knew I was hiding something, and by the way, she was observing both of us whenever we happened to be in the same room, I'm pretty sure she had an inkling of what's happening. She let it go for now, though.

Not that I didn't trust Becca, I know she would always support me. I just didn't want to burst that bubble I got myself wrapped in.

I did tell Hanna, however. I had to tell someone, otherwise, I would explode. She was extremely thrilled I finally got laid and even more with a man-candy like Jake. It made me feel a bit better about the whole 'hiding thing'.

But even she couldn't hide the look of worry every time I mentioned he left another morning without saying goodbye.

It was Thursday, two weeks before Christmas, and I was meeting Jake on the Christmas Fair our town held every year, making the place and all the people in it all bubbly and excited for upcoming holidays. At least that's how I felt. I absolutely one-hundred-percent adore Christmas.

We were standing at one of the wooden booths, drinking our mulled wine, chatting about how our week was so far.

All around us were small booths and tables decorated in the most beautiful Christmas lights and decorated trees. People were laughing and drinking and chatting, you could hear children's happy cries when playing in the snow and the holiday spirit filled me with the most nostalgic happy feeling, bubbling in my chest and keeping a non-faltering smile on my lips.

Jake held my chin and caressed my cheek with his thumb, smiling down at me.

"You are like a little kid seeing Christmas decorations for the first time, your smile never disappears. It's fucking adorable."

I blushed at his comment, knowing my obsession with this holiday was really big.

"It's just... It means a lot to me and I get extremely emotional. I didn't quite figure out why, but I think it brings out some positive feelings from my childhood and even though I can't really think of an exact memory, the emotions are so strong I don't need a pinpointed moment to feel the excitement. I honestly wish I could still believe in Santa Claus."

He pulled me closer, hugging me and laughing at my last sentence before asking more seriously.

"What happened with your dad? I've never heard you mention him."

I don't talk about my father much because he isn't in the picture for a long time now. And it's not an easy subject for me to open. But with Jake, the way he shared his childhood, I felt comfortable telling him.

"My parents divorced when I was six years old. He was drunk and abusive to my mum and we are definitely better off without him. The last intentional contact I had with him was when I was 15 years old. And it was the last year he acknowledged me as his daughter. I haven't heard from him since."

He hugged me closer, guiding my head on his chest and wrapping me in his warmness. It was a good place to be.

"I'm sorry to hear that, baby. It's his loss."

"It's fine. I embraced the consequences it left and tried to become the best version of myself I can be. Well, I'm still working on that part."

"You are doing a damn good job, Jessica."

I snuggled closer, enjoying the intimacy of the moment, imagining how things could be if we would both be ready to be in this relationship.

After a few minutes, I sighed and pulled away slightly, looking him in the eyes.

"I need to do some Christmas shopping. Would you care to join me?"

His eyes lit up again and he gave me a small peck on the lips after nodding his approval. I was excited he agreed to come.

This was the first time he was that affectionate in public.

For the next two hours, I dragged him around various shops and boutiques, looking for perfect gifts for all the people in my life and only then realized he didn't seem interested in buying any.

"Are you not buying any gifts?"

We were walking down the street, our arms touching all the time, but he never held my hand. No blurring the lines.

"I've already bought some. And the... I won't be here for Christmas, so I figured I can avoid all the big fuss about it."

My heart sank at that. I stupidly assumed he will celebrate with us and I was hoping to give him a small gift that will show him how much he means to me.

I tried to appear not affected, probably failing miserably.

"Oh, you are not staying here? Where will you be?"

"Why do you want to know?"

His eyes weren't that warm anymore after asking me this, making me alert instantly.

"I just... I didn't mean..."

"I thought we made it clear there is no pressure and that we are not together. Therefore, there is no need for us to spend Christmas together."

I gulped at his harsh words, my eyes suddenly burning with tears that I tried to push back before spilling. I managed to reply without letting a single teardrop.

"Yes. No, there is no need. You are right. You can do whatever you want. Listen, I have to run now... I'm meeting with, ehm... Mike. So, yep. I'll talk to you later."

He raked his fingers through his messy hair, looking remorseful, but it didn't matter anymore. He said what he was feeling and I obviously needed a reality check. I turned on my heels and decided to go in the other direction.

"Hey, Jess, I didn't mean ..."

But the rest of his sentence was lost when I frantically tried to move and run away from him.

He didn't call or stop by that night and with each passing hour, I knew I wouldn't be able to hold in my tears for much longer. I let myself cry that night for being stupid and falling for a guy who clearly stated before we commenced anything that he doesn't want anything serious from me.

Tonight, I let myself cry, but tomorrow I'll wake up and decide if I should continue this thing we had or I'm getting too involved and if we are not on the same page, it's time I break it and move on.. Yes, tomorrow.