Only Mine

There is a big bag with all the Christmas gifts waiting by the door in my apartment and I'm putting the last layers of clothes and scarves around me since it's absolutely freezing outside. It's snowing lightly and the weather is perfect for today's Christmas Eve dinner at Becca and Brian's house. It has been our family tradition to meet up for dinner every year at my mum's house and this year for a change my sister is hosting it.

My face lights up with a childish grin when looking at my huge Christmas tree in the corner of my apartment, taking up almost half of the place. Exactly how I like it.

I take one last look at my apartment since I won't see it until after Christmas Day and then I quickly gather all the presents and get out the door.

When I ring the bell, Mike opens the door and pulls me in a giant bear hug, almost squashing all the gift bags.

"Hey doll, finally you are here. I need some backup, my mother and grandma are grilling me for information about my new girlfriend."

There is mocking terror in his eyes and it makes me laugh hysterically.

"It's not funny. I need you!"

"If you called your mum 'mother', then it really must be bad. I got you." I wink at him. He sighs dramatically in relief and we start laughing together, before heading to the kitchen where everyone is gathered.

Twenty minutes later we are ready to sit for dinner that consists of way too much food for only the five of us, but everything is delicious and it tastes like home. It makes me feel warm being with people that mean the most to me and I know that right now I'm one of the luckiest people in the world..

"So, Jess, where have you been the last few weeks? It was rare to see you around. Any new admirer we should know about?" Brian asks in a tone that probably my father would use if he'd ever been present in my life.

I froze momentarily and Mike squeezes my hand under the table, letting me know he's got this.

"Yep, the new admirer is me. We were hanging out a lot lately, getting that nephew-aunty bond stronger."

I smile gratefully at him, while the rest of the table looks at us suspiciously, not knowing if they should believe us or not.

It's time that I have his back too.

"Yes, I was with Mike most of the time. That's why he wasn't around a lot lately, either."

He gives me one more slight squeeze under the table and then both of us get up from the table and start collecting plates to put them in the dishwasher. When we enter the kitchen we start laughing like hyenas and I press a small kiss to his cheek, showing my gratitude.

"Are you OK, Jess? What's happening with Jake?" he whispers over the clatter of the plates being washed.

I look behind my back, checking if we are alone and once I see they are sitting on the couch, drinking egg nog and laughing at something Becca is enthusiastically explaining, I turn back and tell him what is happening.

"A couple of weeks back I asked him about Christmas plans and he kind of freaked out letting me know he won't be spending holidays with me. I know we are not a couple and I guess I just got ahead of myself. Or I just naively hoped his feelings about me changed and maybe he would want to be with me for the holidays. Either way, I haven't seen him since and he said he'll be in England with his parents for the holidays, so I guess... this is it."

Everything I was feeling started pushing to the surface again and I really didn't want to think about him today. I decided it's time to move on from him, so this is what I'm planning to do. Maybe after the holidays. Maybe this will be my new year's wish: don't fall for the wrong guys.

"You know he doesn't deserve you, right? You should be with a guy who wants to yell you are with him."

"Oh, Mike, I didn't know you are such a romantic."

He rolls his eyes but is still serious.

"I'm being serious. Either he pulls his head out of his ass or you dump him for good."

I sigh, fully knowing he is right and surprised once again how mature he is.

"I know; I'm planning to end it. And it's not like he wants to see me anyway. I haven't had any contact with him for two weeks."

"You'll be fine doll. Let's go get drunk now with that awful eggnog."

He makes me laugh so easily.

"You are the only person I know who doesn't want to drink it for the holidays. Where is your Christmas spirit?"

"Dead with the turkey we just ate."

"Idiot."

I pull him for his hand and drag him to the living room and we enjoy the rest of the evening drinking and laughing constantly while playing board games.

The next morning, I wake up by the beep of my phone indicating I got a text message. With my eyes half open I check my phone and my heart rate sped up at the name written on my phone. It was a message from Jake and it made me instantly awake.

*Merry Christmas, Jessica. Wish I could say it in person.*

Well, what the hell is this? I don't hear from him in weeks and now he 'wishes it would be in person'? Like hell. Even though I was happy he texted, it still made me furious. What should I reply to this? He truly makes me emotionally unstable.

*Merry Christmas, Jake. And you've had plenty of opportunities to say it in person. Let's not pretend this is what you want.*

I shut off my phone, not willing to have my morning ruined and scramble out of bed, heading to the kitchen in search of coffee.

There was no surprise my mum was already sitting there, drinking her cup and there was an extra one waiting for me.

"Good morning, Mum. Coffee, perfect."

"Of course, sweety. Come sit."

We sipped our own cups, staring out the window at the white landscape in front of us, enjoying the morning peacefulness. It looked like a picture from a fairytale.

"So, Jessica, ..." Oh God, here it goes, "what's happening with Jake?"

I started coughing with a complete surprise. How does she know?

"How do you mean 'Jake'? I don't know what you mean."

"Oh, darling. I know I'm getting old, but I'm not stupid nor blind. I thought you've had something good going on?"

I looked down, tears filling my eyes and I swallowed heavily to not let them spill.

"Who else knows?"

"Just me and Becca. I don't know how you thought something like this will escape her."

"I know, you are right. We had a thing for a while, but I don't think it will work out. And I would really prefer not to talk about it now."

She put her hand on top of mine and squeezed reassuringly.

"If you ever need to talk, you know you can come to me."

"I know Mum. I love you."

"Love you, too, baby girl."

The rest of the morning was relaxed and homey and we've exchanged gifts after breakfast. I got a necklace with small pendants, initials of the most important people in my family. It brought tears to my eyes at how thoughtful they were. And it felt exactly like something I need to reassure me everything is fine. I really was the most grateful for the people in my life.

I went home around noon, fully prepared to spend the rest of the day on the couch watching Christmas movies, maybe inviting Hanna and drink hot cocoa with marshmallows.

Well, those plans got trampled as soon as I got to the floor of my apartment. There was someone sitting on the floor in front of my door, a big box with a bow in front of him.

His head shot up at the sound of my steps and our eyes collided. My stupid heart started beating fast again, like it's connected directly to this man's presence.

"Jake, what are you doing here?"

He stood up and fumbled slightly when replying.

"I, ehm ... You didn't reply anymore and I wanted to give you a Christmas present. In-person, that is."

It's true I didn't turn on the phone since morning, so I have no idea what he replied. I wish now I would have checked.

I got closer slowly, not prepared on how to handle the situation. I mean, I decided to finish everything, right?

"You didn't have to do it. The message was enough."

"I had to. I wanted to. Can I come in?"

I hesitated for a moment, deciding between unlocking the doors or remain standing outside. He looked so good, his hair slightly wet from the snow outside, but even a thick sweater couldn't hide the way his body is built. And God, his face. Two days of beard is framing his face and his eyes look tired but greener than ever. It should be illegal to look that good.

"Please, Jess. I just want to talk."

I gave in and open the door, holding them out for him to step in. He put the big present on my coffee table, while I removed my jacket and my boots and then slowly turn around and came to stand next to me.

He pulled me closer, hugging me tightly, breathing me in, and then pressing our foreheads together. I didn't know how to react so I was standing almost limply next to him.

He whispered next to my lips.

"I've missed you so much, baby."

His lips almost touched mine before I pulled away.

"No. You don't get to do this after ignoring me for two weeks. I understand you don't want to be with me, but you should handle it like an adult and talk. Not gone AWOL. I'm over it and I don't want to play games anymore. "

"We've mutually agreed that this isn't serious. I freaked out with the question for the holidays. Sorry about this. I should've handled it better. Can we just go back to how it was?"

"To how it was? Us hiding from all of our friends and family and sneaking away in the middle of the night so I wouldn't get attached?"

He started protesting, but I silenced him with my hand.

"No, Jake. It was fun, but I want more. It's fine if you don't want me, but don't come here and make me your booty call."

"I told you this before, you are not some fucking booty call. But I also explained that I can't give more than what I'm giving now. Why can't you accept it?"

"Please Jake, just go. I'm sure there are loads of women who would like some easy fuck today."

He gritted his teeth in anger, his expression getting furious, and then he turned around opening the door and slamming them hard behind him.

Well, Merry Christmas to me.