Our World, and the universe between us

There's not much to pack. Dr. Miller did as he promised and I can finally go home tonight. And of course, the ticket for me was ready. I will not just leave this facility. I will leave this country as well.

The further, the better. That's what the adults in my life thought. Well, it will be better to let him go. That's what I decided to do anyway. I'm not just saying it to get out of this place.

Once I finished packing, there's knocking on the door. It's no other than Sam and Norah. They are happy about the news. Norah is a bit sad to part with me but it's not like I will forget her. I told her we can still stay in touch.

"Are you ready?" Sam asks happily. She knows full well that's what I want for so long. Leaving this sick place.

"Yup. It's not like I'll bring everything with me. I don't even know where will I go tonight but I'll contact you both once I arrive."

"Promise?" Norah demands. She's still a little bit timid but she's fine. Maybe being timid is the real her and I don't have any problem with it.

"Of course. You two are the best thing that happen to me here."

I find myself smiling genuinely. They are my happiness right now so there's just no way I will abandon them.

"You need to take care of yourself. And please contact me when you're in town," Sam is still strict as ever.

I nod but I don't think I will ever go back. I don't want Tatum to see me anymore. I don't wanna risk it by coming back.

"And you can also find me. It's not like I'm in a different world."

They suddenly look solemn. I didn't mean anything about what I said but they must thought about something else. It's still painful but I will live with it.

"Can't you give it some more thoughts?" Sam asks me.

They are really a good friends. They know what I'm doing even though I didn't say much. It's not like they're opposing me or planning something behind my back. They are just worried and express it directly.

"Everything's gonna be fine," I say empty words.

Suddenly Norah comes closer and says, "You told me we're not the one who's hurting anyone else. We're just different… You know we can't control what they think of us. They will still label us. But you told me not to care about them. You told me I deserve to be happy. And so do you."

Norah brawls for the last time. She's hurting because she can see that I'm sad. It's not her pain. We only know each other for a few days. I wonder how is it that she could feel my pain so well when my childhood friends just leave me here.

"I wish we could meet sooner. Then perhaps we can be each other's strength before we end up here," I hug her crying figure. She's really a caring person and I made her worried about me a lot this couple of days.

"I miss you, Tina. I miss your glow. You looked so happy with no care about the world. You stood strong for yourself. But what is this now?" she holds me tight.

I act strong and pat her in the back. "Because I know how scary the future is. And because there's nothing I can do in my situation. But you're different, Norah. You can control your life. You can be happy. And I promise you'll be fine. I'll be with you from now on."

She cries harder hearing my cheer for her. "You too. You can be happy too. Why can't you see that? If you need someone to believe you, I will. I believe you. So please. Don't give up like this. You're better when you don't give up."

My eyes start to waver. I told myself not to cry but the tears just fall down because of what she told me. She doesn't know me. She doesn't even know the whole story. How could she believe me?

But hearing that simple sentence was all I wished before. Even if it's not the truth, I dreamt about it for so long. And it really feels amazing when someone says that. Unfortunately it's just too late for me to change my mind.

"It doesn't matter anymore. We, Tatum and I, can't live together. It's just wrong."

"You told me you don't care about the world. You only need him."

I wipe my tears and clear my throat. "But I do care. I live here, Norah. This is my world. You probably can't understand my choice now. But you will eventually. We can't be together, because he's not here. Because this is not his world."

"I just want you to be happy. I want to see you smile again," she's still sobbing and I feel really lucky to meet her. If there's a silver lining in this experience, it's meeting her. I might lose the love of my life but I find two friends of life.

And this silly girl? She is just too much. I didn't do anything for her but she cares this much already. I just can't push her aside. Her sincerity throws my mask away. I cry with her.

I notice Sam is also crying in the background. I know she also wants to say all of those things to me. She just lives longer and knows how scary the world can be. Just like you, she knows it's the best for me to stop clinging onto the other world. But you both also know it doesn't guarantee my happiness.

Norah finally stops crying after a few minutes. Sam takes her away from me because I need to get going so I won't miss my flight. I still need to go to my home first.

They walk me to the exit. Norah holds my hand along the way and I know she hates seeing me leave for a lot of different reasons.

It's actually what I want for all this time I stayed here. I thought I will walk towards the exit with a smile on my face. But now it's just a trace of my tears that accompany me. I thought I'll walk away alone but there are people holding both of my hands now.

"In the end you also leave me," Norah mumbles but there's nothing that I can't hear in this silence hallway.

"Silly. I don't leave you. I just leave first. I'll be waiting for you outside so you should leave soon. Understand?"

"But you're moving away," her eyes glued to the floor like she never saw it before.

"I'll just need to send you a ticket."

She looks like she couldn't believe what I just told her when she finally faces me. "Are you serious? Do you really mean it?"

"Of course. Once I settle down, I'll send tickets for both of you. And you can stay with me, Norah. I need a friend just as much as you do. Only if you want to."

"That's a promise," she smiles the same smile she showed me the first day we talked.

"I will take days off for you, Dear. Anytime," Sam caresses my head and I feel loved. I feel like I'm being loved with both of them so I stop my feet.

"Sam, Norah, before I leave, I just want to know why are you so nice to me? Do you pity me?"

I'm so scared they will also betray me. I can't take another betrayal, especially from these two. I realise I lean on them too much and at this moment, they're all I have. I just need the truth so I can prepare myself.

"Of course not. What should I pity you. You're the most wonderful girl I ever met," Sam looks shock by my question.

Norah also starts rambling spontaneously. "Yes. You're so amazing. You fight for what you believe in. You believe in yourself. To be honest, I heard a lot of things about you. But you always look so happy when you listen to your music. I wonder how you could be so strong and that's why I want to be your friend."

I know their sincerity but I think I made a mistake when I asked them. I'm afraid the girl they like doesn't exist anymore. I'm not strong nor courageous anymore.

"I know you're still that girl. And I hope someday, that girl can be happy again," Sam surprises me because she's just reading my mind. I didn't know she understands me that well.

"I hope so," I tried my best to smile.

"You will," Norah adds in.

I hug them both as hard as I could. I need their warmth so much as I will begin a cold journey on my own.

You and my uncle already waited for me. You're coming with us because they don't want me to change my mind along the way. And they just believe you to take care of me. Now you see that they just won't believe me anymore. It's not just my feeling or a guess.

"Are you ready?" you look happy seeing me with Sam and Norah so close. But you're still worried about me leaving. I know that though I can't say anything else about it. I'm leaving and that's final.

"Yes. Let's go."

You take my bag and put it in the back of the car. I say my last goodbye to Norah and Sam. We hug each other and I feel that I really can be happy again someday. As long as I have them, I can still be happy and enjoy my life.

"Let's go. We don't want you to miss your flight," my uncle calls me.

It's the first time I hear him again in a few days. He's still awkward as he knows I still don't want to talk to him. Because of this, I'm glad you also come with us. At least I won't have to deal with awkward silence between me and uncle for two hours straight.

"Goodbye. I'll call you soon," I wave my hand as I see Norah and Sam getting further.

— — —

I slept along the way. I wasn't tired but I just don't want to talk. I still don't want to talk around my uncle. So I don't even want to talk with you in the car.

It feels strange being out in the open after a while. It's not that long but for me personally, it feels like forever. I miss the air and light outside but it feels so strange. Almost like it's not my world anymore.

Speaking of my world, now that I won't see his world anymore, this world is the only one I have. But once I got outside, I'm not sure I have any. I realise I don't really belong to any world.

I thought I will just go back to my real world easily. But now that I'm out, this world seems so strange to me.

I'm not talking about the changes. There's not much difference actually. The scenery, the colour, the roads, and even the buildings are the same as always. I just don't have a place to belong to.

Maybe this is how I felt when I was born to this world. To an unfamiliar world. Alone. Trying to fit in and find my own place.

Let's just take it as I'm born twice into this world. I just need to adapt once again. I could do it before so it will also pass. My new life will begin tomorrow. New place, new life, and a new future.

"Tina, we arrive," you wake me up although I'm not really sleeping.

I grab my bag and head outside of the car. It is my home alright. But what is home? It won't be my home anymore. I won't come back for the second time. It's useless to call it home.

My parents run outside knowing I arrive. My mom looks so happy seeing me again. It's a proof that they still love me so at least a burden has been lifted off from my shoulder.

"Welcome home, Dear. Mommy is so sorry I can't be with you. Your uncle said it's for the best. I miss you so much."

She runs and hugs me tight. I suppose to hug her back but I have no strength left in front of them. It's not just my parents. My friends are there. Perhaps they still consider me as friend even after what they did.

"We're so happy you're finally coming to your senses. Don't worry, we already took care of everything," my dad informs me. I could explode hearing him talking about my senses but I don't want to make a scene. I don't care about what he prepared so I don't even ask for more. I don't even care where I'm about to go.

The only reason I come home is to get my scrapbook. I just need to get to my room and I will leave right away. I don't need to have a conversation with them.

They don't want to understand about Tatum and I got it already. But they must at least try to understand that I need time to be around them again. That's the only thing they could do. Give me some time.

"We miss you so much. I know you'll come back," Marcy welcomes me with a big hug.

I'm finally free from anyone's embrace but I don't say a thing. I look at them but no anger, no happiness, nothing. I just stand there in front of them expressionless.

"She's still tired because of the journey," you decide to help me out. Among all these people, I feel like you're the only one who understand me the most.

"Ah, you must be Dr. Miller. I heard a lot about you. Thank you so much for helping our daughter," my mom talks to you.

I can see you're not that comfortable with my parents. Or is it about their gratefulness?

You know, sooner or later, you should realise you did help me in a way. But neither you nor I can change the world. And my life is not yours. You don't need to fight for my life.

Frankly speaking, your life isn't that great as well.

"It's nothing. I didn't do anything much."

"I miss you, Tina," Joy jumps to hug me. I know she cried a little for me. That's the best I could get from my friends.

Sarah watches us without saying anything. But I know she doesn't feel bad at all for stabbing me in the back. I really don't understand why she's this cold to me.

I had a lot of time to think about her doing yet I still can't understand. What did I do to her that she turns so cold towards me. Couldn't she empathise with me at all? Did she hate me so much for lying to her?

And now, I don't even know why she's here. She doesn't look like she wants to be here.

"Your mom told us you'll go to London tonight. We're gonna miss you again. But we'll visit you soon," Joy pulls herself apart from me and telling me my destination.

She reminds me of Norah's cheerfulness. I hope Norah will be that cheerful again. I don't care if she fakes it. She can fake it until she doesn't need to fake it anymore. I will be there for her.

"You don't need to visit," I finally speak.

"Are you still angry at us? We did it all for you. And now you're all better, we can be together again," Marcy sounds as I just offended her.

They can treat me the best they could, but I just know they're not the same anymore. I won't say as extreme as they look down on me. But after I see them again like this, I realise I can't be their friend anymore. It's useless if I'm the only one who see them as friends when they see me as a patient. I did expect this though.

"Just forget it. I have a flight to catch."

I walk past them but I can't walk any further. He's standing in front of me. The guy I miss so much. The guy I wish I won't see again. He's perfectly clear in front of me.

The crowds covered his existence from me but I know he could see me just fine earlier. During all those greetings, he just stood there and watched me without making a sound.

I know he was just as speechless as I am right now. I can't even be sure if it's not a dream. I wish it's all just a dream and that I'm still in the car. A part of me wishes that it's not a dream and I really see him again. I really don't know what I wish for.

I just stare and keep staring. He does the same thing. No words of explanation can melt this awkwardness between us.

"Tina?" Joy calls me back to reality and draws everyone's attention to the still standing me.

"Tina? What's wrong?" you ask me confused. It's just the same as before. No one see him. Not even you.

You come to my side and I really want to tell you. I want to ask you what I should do. But I just choke up on my own tears. I don't know what to say to him.

I bite my lip and cover my mouth so I won't let a strained voice out. You are standing beside me but my eyes can't leave his. I just hope your sharp mind works properly again. I really need your help right now.

Save me from them. Save me from Tatum. Save me even from myself. Because my mind's blank right now.

"Don't tell me," you talk softly for my ear only. You don't want to draw the other's attention even more.

"Tina, listen to me. You said you don't want to see him anymore but it's better for you to face him. You made your choice and now you need to put closure. You need this. And he needs this."

"I- shouldn't come here," I regret my stubbornness to come home. I will be fine without the scrapbook so why did I foolishly insist to take it with me.

"Tina?" my parents call me worried.

Everyone can finally guess what's going on. Well, it's not like I claimed confidently that I can't see him again. Though I don't really know what you told them about my real condition.

Thankfully you manage to convince them to give me some space.

"Is it you? Is it really you?" Tatum starts to speak. I miss his voice so much.

"Hmm," that's all I can mutter.

He walks closer and wipes my tears away. "I miss you so much. I thought I can't see you again." He hugs me and I feel warm inside out. This is the reason I can't believe he's not real. There's just no way he's not real.

I hug him back. I don't even remember there are still a lot of audiences on my back. Yet I still remember what I must do to him.

"Tatum," I tremble while calling his name out. "This will be the last."

"The last of what?" he pushes me away to take a better look at my expression.

"I won't see you anymore. We can't be together."

He suddenly grabs me tighter. "Why? Why are you saying all this when we finally meet? Don't you know how long I wait for you? You can't even imagine how crazy I feel these days without you?"

My tears escape my eyes again. "You should forget about me. Why are you here in the first place. I should just quietly disappear."

"I really thought you disappeared. I thought I'll never see you again," he yells at me.

"Then why are you still waiting here like a fool?!" I shout back furiously. I don't want him to remember me like this. I don't want this to be our last memory.

"Then what else could I do? I miss you so much. I want to see you. Even if by chance. Even if it last for a second. I want to see you again. I never knew I could go crazy of losing someone."

I can feel everyone is getting angsty but thankfully you stop them from disturbing my reunion. I take a glance at them and I know just how crazy I look like judging from their face.

Well, I bet it's different from seeing it in video. When you see it with your own eyes, you probably also think I'm really crazy.

"We can't! Tatum, you should just forget about me. I don't want this to be our last memory but we really have no future together."

"What do you mean? Why did you change so much in these past few days? What happened to you?" he demands the truth and explanation.

"We don't live in the same world," I start my explanation.

"We knew that," he cuts me off.

"I told you before. Once people found out, they'd research me. Well, that's not exactly what happened. In fact, no one believe me. They think I'm only seeing things. They told me you're not real."

"But you know I'm real," he seems hurt.

"I know. But no one else know that. And I don't want to doubt you. If someday it turns out that you're just the product of my imagination, how could I live on?"

He says nothing and keeps listening. His expression turns to sour. It's like he's watching a horror movie.

"More importantly, I don't want you to get worried about my world. This is not your world and there's nothing you can do to help me from your world. I don't want us to start blaming each other. That's my biggest fear. You should live your life. I don't want you to abandon your life just to cope up with my messed up life."

"But I can do that. And I won't blame you. I just need you with me," he responds innocently.

"Tatum, why can't you understand me? There's no future for us. You can't change your world for me just like I can't change mine for you. How do you expect us to be together? Do you expect me to stand on my toes all the time? Afraid if someone sees me acting strange? Afraid if I'd get lock up again?"

"Lock up?" there's officially terror in his eyes.

"Yes. That's the reason I couldn't see you these past few days. I couldn't leave on my own. You didn't even know. So how do you expect us to be together? I can't even take control of my own life. I can't even live my own life. And there's nothing you can do about it. You can't do anything in my world for me."

I break down in tears. I can't talk anymore. It's too painful. It's painful because I know my words will hurt him even more. It's painful because he'll hate me for being selfish. He won't forgive me for leaving him.

"You said love will conquer all," he says holding my hand.

"But it turns out that love can't conquer different worlds. We don't belong together," I keep shaking my head to make my point.

"Then I will abandon my world. Just don't disappear from my world. You don't need to talk to me. You don't need to see me. But let me see you," he's begging for his life and I feel a knife stuck in my heart.

"Just how long will you make me the bad person? Sometimes I wish that they were right. Then I will really be a crazy person. Then I can live as a crazy person."

"Will you?" he sounds serious as his usual self. Yet that question startles me. It's just like he's asking me to live as a crazy person. Does he not know what kind of life a crazy person leads?

"Do you know what you're asking me?" I sound as serious as him.

"I will abandon my world. I will abandon my life. Can you do that?"

I just can't believe he requested that from me. "Tatum?"

He holds both of my hand and lifts them up to kiss. He then look straight at me. There's no trace of horror in his eyes. "I need you to answer. Can you do that for me?"

"They may just kidnapped me and send me across the ocean, you know?" I absolutely look like a scared little kitty.

"I'll just have to search for you. Since I know what happen to you now, I won't just stupidly wait for you here. I will search for you. I will find you. I will search every inch of my world to find you and stay with you again."

"You are crazy, aren't you?" I'm a bit scared of him. I know it's all too sudden for him and he couldn't accept it. But I don't need him to get crazy now.

He smiles and I just know right here and now that he loves me so much. "You haven't answered my question," he says.

I look back to my family and friends. They look worried because they don't even know what I talked about with Tatum. They could guess but I bet they won't be able to guess it. They won't even think what Tatum just asked me to do.

I turn my gaze to you. You look worried as well. I stare at you as if we could talk through our gazes. I want to tell you that I think I'm really going crazy. I'm going to choose a life of a crazy person. I just hope you can accept that. After all the things you did to get me out, it would feel like I betrayed you and I know how painful it is to get betrayed.

They'd thought you're a liar. They'd thought I tricked you. You could lose your job.

When I'm busy with my own thoughts about what I might do to you, you show me a smile. Although I might seem like a crazy person, you smile at me.

I'm not sure why you smile. I don't think you'll smile if you know what I'm about to do.

But that smile, I suddenly remember Sam's, Norah's and your sincerity. The three of you wish for my happiness. You wish the best for me. You asked me to think of another solution and I think I just found one.

Deep inside my heart, I promise I won't let any harm falls upon you. This is my mistake. This is my responsibility.

With your support, that's just my wishful thinking and what I interpreted from your smile, I face Tatum once again.

"Sure. Why not. I don't know what kind of life we'll have. I don't know how this will end. But I don't think it will be as painful."

His expression changes. He suddenly looks happy and peaceful. "That's enough." He actually tries to laugh at this situation. "You don't really believe I will let you live that kind of life, do you? I told you a lot of times, I'm not that selfish."

"What are you…"

He cups my face with both of his hands. I can't keep my eyes off him. "Just knowing you will abandon everything for me is enough. I do want you to be happy, you know. I want you to live a happy life. A meaningful life. Even without me."

My tears fall again and I can't remember how many times I cry in this reunion. He just needs to make me cry again after I managed to stop. "Don't you spite me?"

"There's no way I could ever hate you. And if I need to leave you for you to have a beautiful life, I will do it gladly. But before that, there's one last thing I want to do."

He smiles bitterly and I know he holds back his tears. "I need to know if all of these are real. I need to know if you're real. If I am real."

"Tatum?" I don't understand what he's talking about. I told him I know he's real.

"Stay still," he says as he moves closer.

It happened so fast I don't know how I end up in his arms. He lifted me and now he's carrying me like his wife. By reflex, I put my arms around his neck like that's where my arms supposed to be all this time.

"What the hell are you doing?" I ask frightened. "Put me down," I order him.

"Am I still not real?" he ignores my question.

I look into his eyes trying to find a reason of his sudden behaviour but his eyes are looking around. "There are still people around, right?" he asks me again.

I blink my eyes a few times before I realise what he meant. I immediately turn my head around to see the surprised look from my parents, my friends, and my uncle.

You also look surprised but somehow you're so happy. The smile on your face? That's the biggest one you showed me so far. In that moment, I know my life will never gonna be ordinary and I'll love it.