Our World, and the universe between us

I was so happy after the first kiss with him. I thought I had the world inside my hand. Nothing could possibly go wrong. It felt like the beginning of my happily ever after and I was looking forward to our love's growth.

For half the night, I slept on his shoulder and he woke me up right on time to see the first sun of the year. I told him the time of the suppose to be sunrise in my world and he didn't sleep a wink to grant my wish.

The sun was more beautiful than ever. Its glow was the perfect red with the shimmery gold. The rays started to dance and brightened up the sky just like Tatum brightened up my life.

My phone was ready to capture that moment and Tatum was watching it through my watch. I really hoped there's a bigger screen to show him how beautiful my world became after we were basked in love.

Once the sun rose, I finally said goodbye to him. He wouldn't let me walk home in the dark obviously so I spent the night there. Fortunately, I brought a kind of thick blanket to cover me from the cold. He also stayed by my side, arm around my shoulder, determined to keep me warm.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I waved my hand and walked away.

He would sleep and rest this whole day. That's why I let him stay awake. I wouldn't let him to stay the night if he didn't have a time to rest.

"See you," he yawned and looked so cute accidentally. He still managed to make my heart beat faster again before I left.

Thanks to the sunlight, I could see the road clearer and met no accident along the way. My feet were so light from the happiness sprouting inside my heart.

I arrived at my home safely. I opened the door silently so I wouldn't wake my parents up. I doubt they noticed I was gone last night. Even if they did, they probably assumed I was with Sarah. They didn't even call me and that's a solid proof I wasn't in trouble. Or that's how it usually was.

There's a lot of noise inside the house. I recognised all of those voices and I felt like an explanation would be needed. I made my brain worked that early to come up with some possible lies. I needed to rake my brain inside out but I managed to prepare some. I was so ready for their question of my whereabout all night.

"M, morning," I stuttered because I was so nervous staring at five pair of eyes who sent daggers towards me. I knew that instant I was the prey.

They stopped whatever they discussed before hand. I was waiting for their question and looked as guilty as I possibly could. I did feel guilty.

"Sit down," my dad said sternly. He's always stern with me but that's just his character. Being a CEO in his company wasn't an easy thing to do. That's why I understood his odd way to show love. I never demanded him to act differently.

I innocently sat in the centre of their attention. My parents, and my three best friends which I did think it's weird for them being in my home so early in the morning, gathered around me.

"We need to talk," my dad continued taking lead. I just nodded. I always did what he told me to and that's why we never had any problem.

They all looked so serious and worried. I guessed there's a line I just crossed. A line which I didn't know while they knew well. I was at disadvantage.

"Dear, is there something you want to tell us?" my mom tried to soothe the situation. But I knew from experience the calmer she was meant I was in a bigger problem. This was a dangerous situation.

"Well, first of all, girls, sorry I lied about spending the night with my parents," I was so sure to take control of the situation. "The thing is… I won't lie to you. I'm in my rebellious phase. You know, party, drink, hang out with a bad crowd you may say."

"What the hell is it that you're hiding from us?" Marcy lost her patience for once.

"Yes, Tina. We are here to help," Joy looked so serious and there's no trace of joy in her face.

"I told you. I just partied all night. Met a few people and had fun. But no drugs or anything dangerous. Really," I talked casually.

"Stop lying!" Sarah yelled out.

Just what was wrong with all these people? Was it that bad hanging out alone? Did I need to tell them everything about my life? It's not like they're my supervisor. And they're absolutely not living my life.

"I was just having a little bit of private time. Why is it your business?!"

"Dear!" my mom called me softly yet full of power. "You don't need to hide it from us. We know and we are here to help."

I stood up and I swore I was about to get upset. I knew I was in the wrong but I didn't understand their reaction. They're so overreacting.

It's only for one night. I never did it before. Okay, I did lie a lot lately but it's not like I was doing something bad. It's my life and I could live it the way I wanted.

But I was still trying to be nice. "And what is it that you know? What exactly do you know? The last time I checked, you let me live my life freely. And I did just fine. So what are you all accusing me of now? I'm really tired and I just want some sleep. We can talk again later."

I was about to leave to my room when my dad shouted so loud. "Sit!" That stopped me in place.

"Tina, just tell us the truth. We already knew," my mom moved closer and coaxed me.

"If you knew, why do you still need to ask me?"

"For the love of God, just tell us! How long do you plan on hiding your condition from us?!" Joy looked like she was about to cry. I thought it was strange because I was the one who should be upset.

"Condition? What condition?" this time I was really confused. I couldn't grasp what they were talking about.

"We can't help you unless you tell us," Marcy sounded as wise as usual.

"Wait a minute. What condition are you talking about?"

I really didn't understand a thing they're all saying. I wished they could just go straight to the point and leave me alone.

"Tina, please," Joy begged me with her teary eyes. She almost cried because of me and I almost cried because of my frustration they caused.

"I really don't know what condition you're talking about."

"So, you're gonna lie till the end, aren't you?" Sarah scoffed at me.

Just what the hell's wrong with that girl?

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to calm myself down. "Listen, I really don't…" I stopped talking as a thought came over me.

The only thing I protected with lies. The only secret I had. There's only one answer. It's Tatum.

But there's no way, just no way they would know. They couldn't see him. They couldn't. How?

"I know we're not the best parents. But do you plan on hiding it all from us until you become the laughing stock of the town?!" my dad disturbed my already spooked mind.

I just couldn't believe what my dad just said. The laughing stock? Did he just say that? Was that the first thing he had in mind?

"Stop lying. We already had some proof. There's no use in lying," Marcy spoke up again.

I opened my mouth but there's just no sound coming out. I couldn't mutter a single world.

A lot of things attacked my brain simultaneously. They found out. I was sure they found out. And they thought I was crazy. They were all against me. This was a judgement time.

But who found out? How? Why?

Why did they attack me in a group? Why couldn't they just talk with me privately. It would be so much easier to convince one person. To have a real talk with one person at a time. Now they just had to go 5 against 1.

"Listen, we already talked with your uncle. I think it's best to treat it as soon as possible. We'll take care of your school for now," my mom persuaded me.

I finally managed to collect myself. "It's not like that. It's not like what you guy's think. It's hard to explain. Well, it's hard to believe. But I'm not seeing things. I'm not crazy."

"Tina! Listen to me. You may believe it's real, but it's not. You are not well right now. We'll help you," my mom persuaded me. She's a good negotiator since she worked as a lawyer but it wouldn't work against me. I knew her too well and I knew my situation better. They're the ones who misunderstood.

"Why can't you just hear me out. He's real. He's an alien. I mean, he lives in another planet. Somehow we met and we can communicate with each other. He's a good person. He's harmless. I really like him."

I was panicking that I didn't know what my priorities were. Was it to convince them I wasn't crazy? Or telling them he's real? Or explaining something I didn't really understand myself? Or showing how happy I was for meeting the love of my life? Or should I just get angry at them because that's pretty much how I felt?

"So you ditched Brendan just for your imaginary boyfriend?" Sarah said in contempt.

Gosh, I was really disgusted by her attitude. I never knew she could be this hateful.

"First, he's not imaginary. Second, I'm just not in love with Brendan. Third, I won't ever love Brendan. And last, what's that got to do with you? Who cares about your damn popularity? It's my life."

"At least I'm not the crazy one," she fought back.

"I'm also not crazy!"

Marcy held Sarah back. I couldn't believe she got angry at me about that silly problem. It's not even a problem.

"Tina," my dad called me. "We're going right now."

"Going? Where?" I asked my dad.

"Wait. You're not gonna do what I think you're doing, right? How could you?" I backed off. I didn't know them at all. I couldn't talk to them at all.

"We're leaving now. Everything will be alright."

"No! I'm not leaving. I'm telling you I'm not crazy. Why can't you believe me? Your own daughter."

I tried to fight back. I wouldn't let them take me away without a fight. They didn't have a right to do that.

"We saw enough proof already. So please. Let us help you," my mom cried begging me.

"What proof?" I got suspicious.

"We got you on video. There's no denying it," Sarah spoke up again.

"Video?"

"I followed you because I knew something was wrong. Then I saw you talking to yourself."

"It was you?" I couldn't believe what I just heard. All this time, Sarah was my stalker? That's just out of line. That's just too much. And she's not even thinking about talking to me in person? Was she really my friend?

All I could do was staring at Sarah. My eyebrows knotted together in confusion. I felt sick.

"Yes. And last night Marcy and Joy also witnessed how crazy you are. Right?" she asked for support.

"That's right, Tina. You need to treat it before it's too late. We're here for you," Marcy didn't believe me as well.

I knew what they saw might be difficult to accept. But was it so hard to go ahead and talk to me?

And not only that. They met my parents behind my back. Deciding a life that's never been theirs. And the worst thing was, no one, I said it again, no one thought there's something wrong in admitting me into a mental hospital without my consent.

"It's not like that. Trust me. Marcy, you know I'm not a crazy person. Let's just meet Tatum. I'll introduce him to you all."

"Tina, snap out of it. Get your head straight. He doesn't exist," she wouldn't listen to me.

"No, please. Give me a chance. What should I do to change your mind?" I couldn't stop the tears that started to fall. I thought at least Joy would support me.

"Let's just talk to your uncle. He knows you best. Then we'll talk afterwards," my mom grabbed my hand. "Please."

I didn't understand why she's begging when I should be the one who begged for their understanding. They're the ones who needed to understand me.

"We already packed your stuff. We're gonna leave this instant," my dad walked towards me.

I shook my head but I couldn't say anything. There's no use in talking. They wouldn't listen a damn thing.

My dad literally forced me into the car. My mom got inside with me while my dad was the one behind the wheel. I fought with all I had but my dad yelled at me and I was too frightened. He never looked so angry before. It's just not fair.

"Tina, we'll be waiting for you. You must remember that we're here for you. We just want to help," Marcy spoke before the car started to move.

Joy cried and couldn't look me in the eye. Sarah was further back. I didn't bother to look at her. She's the one that started this whole shit. She was the one who held the knife and stabbed it into my heart from behind. It's just too painful.

I continued begging my mom to let me go along the way but both my parents were stern about this issue. The only hope left was my uncle. My parents were right about one thing. My uncle knew me best.

It was two hours drive and we arrived pretty early in my uncle's hospital. He often bragged about owning a hospital and it did make him looked successful.

A woman by the name Samantha was the first nurse that welcomed me and took me to meet my uncle. She said my uncle would see me alone so my parents let me go with her.

My mind was too messed up that I didn't see or greet the nurse properly. I didn't even feel the need to do that. All I got to do was talking to my uncle and got him to talk some sense into my parent's head.

I was breaking down into tears once I saw my uncle. I ran and hugged him like he's my saviour.

"Calm down, Tina. Everything's gonna be alright."

He gave signal to Samantha to leave us alone. Of course she wouldn't object the director.

"Uncle, you need to help me. Tell them I'm alright. You know I'm not crazy. You know me," I managed to say everything out between my sobs.

"Tina, let's talk first, okay. I need to know what's going on. I saw the video your parents sent me. You need to tell me the truth so I can help you," he led me to sit on the couch and gave me a glass of cold water.

I nodded. I still naively believed in my uncle. He'd understand me better than my own parents.

"They are wrong. Uncle, you must believe me. I don't really know how this stuff happens. It just happened one day. Somehow I'm connected to another being in another planet. It's true. He comes, no, he lives in another planet. But we end up seeing each other."

"Hold on. Tell me slowly so I can understand. Are you saying you could see an alien?" he sat right beside me.

"Yes. No. Well, it's true but he's just like human. His planet is far more advanced than us. But it got nothing to do with this miracle."

"And when did you this miracle start?"

"It was spring. It hasn't been a year yet. I was at the old house I've been telling you about. We suddenly crossed path."

"You crossed path just like that?"

"Yes. Somehow we can only see each other. I didn't believe it at first but after spending so much time together, I know it's true. You should meet him."

I excitedly told my parent about Tatum. It's nice getting this secret out of my chest. I believed that my uncle would do something about my parents.

"I think that can wait. But first, why don't you tell me what made you believe he's real?"

I thought for a while. There were a lot of proof. I meant, for me he's just as real as my uncle, my family, and my friends. I could touch him, felt his warmth, heard his voice, and it's definitely not a dream since my friends saw me.

"You need to tell me so I could talk to your parents."

"It's just like asking how do you believe I'm real. We spent time together and I just knew."

"But you know this situation was unique. Don't you ever think he's not real? Or perhaps, that he could be dangerous?" he sounded really worried. Well, that's just like the uncle I knew.

"I did think about that. But I just got curious and he seemed nice. I was curious about his world and that's why I spent time with him. At first, I just wanted to know. But then I felt like I could trust him. Then we became friend and something more."

"Tina, I know you're smart. You know why your parents act this way."

I thought about it carefully. "I know. That's why I didn't tell them about him before. But why don't they just listen to my explanation? If only they try to listen to me…"

"They are just worried about you. You know deep down that they love you. They may not express it much but they do. Let's just leave them alone for a while. They need to calm themselves down."

"But."

"Just stay here for a while. You can talk to me in the meantime. Take it as taking a rest. What do you say?"

"I can't. There's school and I need to tell Tatum before I disappear like this."

"Tina, your parents probably had plans to deal with your school. And about him, I don't think it's a good time to see him right now. It will only make your parents worried."

"I know. That's why I want them to meet him."

I'd been thinking. Since they knew about Tatum, I could just introduce them. I hadn't figure out how to really introduce them but I'd think of something.

"And what good will it bring? You said it yourself, you can only see each other. Your parents won't see him," you disagreed with me but you got a point. Even if they met each other, they wouldn't see or hear him. It's likely they just saw me acting crazy.

"But, there must be something," I whined at my uncle for help.

"I promise you will get home soon. Just let your parents calm down and then you can talk about this again with them. But for now. Let's stay here with me. Let's talk about it some more."

I nodded and that's when the nightmares began.

— — —

I wake up crying from a nightmare. Can I call it a dream? It felt so real and it really did happen to me. It's a fragment of my memory. It's mine and it's inside my head.

I didn't call for it. I don't know why it resurfaces again. I've been trying my best not to think about it. Besides, I already made up my mind.

Because of that dream, the whole morning feels like shit. I don't blame them. I don't hate them. But I can still get angry at them. I wonder if my anger ever subside someday.

You wait me for our session. I can feel the end is coming near. I know you know it too.

Norah and Sam, I finally told them about my decision. They're still worried about me but I convinced them I will be fine. I also tried to eat more to show them I'm fine. I will live as normal as possible. I mean, everything about me is normal except that guy. Once I let him go, I'll be normal again.

And I'm already getting used to this smiley mask I acquired. Norah, Sam, and even you know about the mask but I hope you all will let me wear this mask longer until it melts into my real face. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't have any right to cry.

"Are you sick?" you ask me immediately after you saw my face. "You look pale."

"I'm fine."

"You, did you cry?" you look closely to make a point.

You're really sharp for this kind of thing. "Just a nightmare. It's fine."

"You kept telling me everything's fine. Everything's gonna be alright. But I know, you know it too, it's really not. Do you think I can just let you leave like this?"

"Dr. Miller, what do you really want me to do? I told you I wanna live my life normally. I wanna have a normal life. Why do you have to make it harder for me?"

"Because I like seeing the old you. It's just been a few days ago that you looked confidence and strong. It feels like I'm breaking you apart. I feel responsible for you," you are really a serious one.

"You did nothing wrong, Doctor. You just asked me questions. You just showed me the possibilities. And you're right about one thing. I'm too young for this. I'm not strong enough to go against the world. In fact, I knew nothing about this world."

"It's not my intention to make you give up. I want the best thing for you. I want you to be happy."

"If you still don't want to let me leave, I could talk to my uncle, you know. I believe he'd let me leave this instant. This is what they want after all," I threaten you to do as I say. I don't really want to talk to my uncle but if you are too soft, I could do that.

You are a good person. You really are and I'm grateful to you. At least, because of you, there's someone who knows about me and Tatum. About our love. I just hope you won't forget it because knowing someone out there knows about us is enough for me to make it into reality. It's my last strike to this unfair world.

"I know you're nice. But don't you think you're being too greedy? You can't help everyone. You said you feel responsible and you still want to treat me. Isn't that just to ease your own guilt?"

"Even so. I don't think it's right for you to give up like this."

"Why? Isn't this what everyone wants? Didn't you said living normally was the best? If you want the best for me, please help me leave."

"But I don't want you to give up on your happiness. I know he means so much to you. I know you love him. You won't even admit he's not real till the end. Do you really have to give up on finding happiness?"

Just like I thought, you're very sharp. I thought I hid my plans perfectly. But I won't admit it myself as well.

I will stop clinging onto him. I will let him go. That's the only truth this world needs to know.

I just never had any intention to stop loving him. I will live my life as normal as possible. Have a decent career. Have a lot of friends. Make my parents proud.

But I'm giving up on another love.

"You said it once before. We never know about the future. I probably would forget all about him someday. I could probably end up marrying someone in countryside. Who knows. But if you feel bad about me, can you just promise me one thing?"

"What?"

"Please remember my love. Even if someday I ended up forgetting this love, please remember it for me."

That's really the only thing I need. I'm sure I won't forget but if by chance I did, I want someone to remember the things I did for love. Remember my happiness finding my love. Remember that once I had true love.

"I'm sorry," you look down dejectedly.

"You won't even do it for me?" I'm afraid that's what you mean.

You look at me for a while and then look somewhere else. You don't want to look me in the eye.

"It's not like that. I will always remember it. Your love is really beautiful that at some point I really wanted you to have a happy ending with him. That's why seeing you like this…"

Behind your poker face and cool demeanour, I know you're just a softie. "Well, I'm not planning to say this. But I guess you need to know because perhaps after this, we won't need to see each other anymore. I do let him go, but deep down, I still hope that he'll find me. If we're really destined to be together, he could even probably come here in his spaceship. Even if it'd take years or decades. Then we could be together for the rest of our life."

"Are you…"

"Anyway, I'm saying all this now. But it's really really really deep down in my heart. I won't focus on it. It's a silly dream, I know that. I just hope you won't tell me to erase even that tiny dream."

You smile bitterly and take a long breath. "In the end, I can't do anything for you."

Maybe, since the beginning, I just didn't stand a chance. Whatever happens, they'll treat me like a lunatic. From the day they intervened, I was no longer Tina. I'm the delusional Tina for them.

Let me correct myself. When I failed to convince them he's real, I became the delusional Tina. But even if by some miracle I managed to convince them, I'd just become a weirdo. Either way, I won't be the same Tina in their eyes.

"Just let me out quickly. That's the least you could do to help me."

You don't answer to my request. Is it still hard to let me go? I even let the love of my life go. You should let me go as well.

"And please tell my parents to buy the ticket. I'm ready to forget about the delusion they asked me about. And if by chance I had another delusion, if I saw a ghost, if I met something not considered normal, If I encounter something no one else could see, I'd put myself back here. Isn't that enough promise for them?"

"I understand," you finally give in. It's really not that hard to give in. You just have to live with something for the rest of your life. Either it's regret or guilt or pain. Or them all. I feel a little bit guilty towards you because of that.

"Thanks. You will hear how awesome my life turns out from my uncle," I tried to joke and lessen your guilt.

"When do you wanna leave?" you always keep your words and I like you because of this.

I think for a while. The sooner the better. "Tonight?"

"Tonight?!" you sound surprised. But there's really nothing else for me here.

"Yes. And…" I hesitated to continue my request.

You notice and ask, "What is it?"

"Please ask them to let me go home for the last time. I won't go to him. I won't see him. He won't even be around at night. Just let me go home for a few minutes. That's it."

"What are you gonna do?"

"My scrapbook. I want to bring it with me. I know they won't let me. Please, I need to take it with me. It's the only memento of my memory with him. I don't want time to wash him away just like that."

You look me straight in the eyes and I know you understand. "That's the least I could do. I'm not sure about tonight, but I'll try my best. I promise, before tomorrow ends you'll leave this place."

"Dr. Miller?" I just feel the need to ask you one last question.

"Yes?"

"In the end, do you believe me?"

I can see you are speechless. I bet you don't expect this question when I already gave it up. You look troubled and I know I'm not fair to you. Wether you believe it or not doesn't matter anymore. It's not my intention to make you feel bad or anything.

"Ah, you don't have to answer it. I just want to say it out loud. But knowing you tried hard to think about it is enough. Just like Sam and Norah. I know they don't actually believe me. But at the same time, they don't doubt me." I can't explain it properly. "Hmm, do you get what I mean?"

You nod and I'm glad.

"At least I know there are people who are still on my side," I smile sincerely. I did put on a smiley mask but I did find the people who care for me and that's a reason to be happy. Maybe I actually still have a reason to be happy.

"That's right. Please don't forget this simple fact."

"Thank you. And Dr. Miller, I think I'll get back early today. There's nothing to talk about anymore anyway."

"Wait," there's still something on your mind. I'm also a sharp one you know.

"I told you there's nothing about my parents and friends. I told you I don't blame them. I do get angry at them, but that's because I love them so much. That's something I can't and don't want to change.

"My parents aren't around that much but I still remember the small things they did for me. I know they love me in their own way. I won't say my friends are the real best friend. But they are my friend and I had a lot of fun with them."

I take a break to catch my breath. I don't want you to cut me off and start asking me nonsense again.

"And my uncle, you know how he always took care of me. There's no way I hate him. That's the truth, and that's why it hurts me this much. But they never become a problem for me."

A drop of tear falls down but I manage to hold back the other drops as I wipe it quickly.

"I love them and they are also important to me. That's why I said all those hurtful things to ease the pain they caused. In the end, I can't just abandon them."

"I'm glad you told me. I just wish you told me sooner."

"Why? To erase the possibilities I'm having delusion because of some childhood trauma?" I can't help mocking you. Just say it's my payback. "My story will still be hard to believe."

You laugh a little at my honesty. "I'll talk to your uncle after this."

"Please do. And, thank you for putting up with me all this time."

I offer you my hand to shake and you gladly take it.

"It's my honour."

Just like that I walk out of your office. Before I close the door, I see you're heading to the phone. I believe you'll call my uncle right away. Perhaps, I do trust you a little.