Our World, and the universe between us

Sam and Norah managed to force me to eat a few spoonfuls during meal time. I still don't talk much.

I'm too scared to think. I'm too scared to feel. I'm just too scared to face everything.

Even my dream started to turn into nightmare. I can't talk about it since I'm not ready. I'm not ready to make a decision although I know that's the only way to get out of this prison of thought.

The torture isn't this institute anymore. It's not their disbelief anymore. No, it's not for a while. It's much more torturous.

It's knowing I'm getting weaker. Realising that I'm just a weak being. It feels like my strength and courage were just another masks. The real me was a pathetic loser. A coward who can't even stand true to her words. Who can't protect the most important thing in her life. Who's about to give up without a fight.

How do I put up a fight in the first place? Did I ever fight? Was it my fight all along?

This time, I start to wonder what could happen if I just gave up. I don't even know if the pain will stay forever. Time will heal everything. That's what people are saying.

"Tina, what should we talk about today? You can talk about everything. If you want to talk about your family, your uncle, or even your friends…"

"No," I hold my tears back. I know my vision starts to blurry because of the tears that I refuse to let down. My throat is hurting but it doesn't compare to the pain I feel in my chest. The tears refuse to leave me alone for some time now.

"I told you yesterday. I don't blame them. I don't hold grudges. And I don't even expect anything from them anymore. I think you're successful in making me give up on him. You won't know how much it hurts. I don't think you, my parents, my uncle, and my friends ever feel this kind of love."

"Tina, that's not my intention."

"Not your intention?! You also want me to be normal, don't you? That's why you do this. To make me normal. That's your job."

I'm sick of getting angry at myself. And the only person I could yell at right now is you.

"Then tell me. Can you let me leave even though I can't let him go?" I challenge your statement.

"That's, I don't think you know how hard it will be if you hold on to him."

I glare at you. You just have to provide every answer about my life. Just like them.

"I already have enough, don't you think? Let's not talk about it anymore. I can think about it on my own. I'll tell you once I make a decision. Just let me rest."

"Tina, I'm here to help. Let's talk about it together."

"Don't you get it?! I don't want to talk anymore! You're just trying to make me give up. You already did your job so please leave me alone."

If I stay here longer, I'm sure he will forget me already. If I just disappear, he'll think our connection ends. Maybe it's better if I don't have to see him anymore. I don't know how long we'll see each other anyway.

And just like that, he won't have any regrets. He won't hate me and I'll be a happy memory for him. The last time we met was so beautiful and I think it's perfect to be the last thing he ever remembers about me.

It's my weakness and I'll deal with the regrets. My parents will send me away anyway. That's the best solution for everyone else. I just have to forget about myself and gather my last courage to do it.

"I never talk about it, but there's someone I know who's bipolar."

You suddenly begin telling a story. "She had a son and that's when her illness was getting worse. She loved her son so much she thought she could handle it. She's also in meds. She even asked for help." Who knew you could really talk a lot.

"Her husband couldn't believe her with their child. He also believed that their child was the trigger and made her worse. So he decided to leave their child in his mother's care. To let his wife get better first. He believed it would be the best for both of them."

"So?" I wonder what's your point with this story.

"After a month, when the husband left for work, she took a bottle of pills. When the husband returned, it was already too late."

"What? What kind of ending is that?" I protest.

"After realising his mistake, the husband blamed himself. He never managed to take his child back."

"Don't tell me the husband also committed a suicide."

"No. He went astray for a while. But when he tried to get better, he got into an accident. He never made it."

"Why are you telling me such a sad story? If you want to put me into their situation, wouldn't it be better if the husband believed her. If only he believed her, then they could end up happy. If only they believed me…"

"You're not completely wrong. It would be better if he believed her. But she almost killed the baby once."

I'm surprised by the hidden fact but I still don't get you.

"In this kind of situation, there's no helping in wondering what ifs. Nothing seemed right at that moment. At the same time it was probably seem like the right thing to do. I still wonder about what could happen if the meds were better. If the treatment were better back then. If he just put her wife in the hospital."

"Dr. Miller?" I stop you because you look so sad. You don't wear your happy poker face anymore.

"Yesterday you asked me about my mask and my wall. It's them. They're my parents."

I'm speechless because I don't expect you told me those kind of personal thing. I mean, can a doctor do that? Isn't there some kind of boundary or something between doctor and patient?

"But they are also the reason I'm doing this. I wanna help people do the best thing in their situation. You're right. I probably lead you to my own answer regarding your situation. But if you could only win my argument, I will really do my best to help you. Because I can't predict the future. I only live longer than you and that's why I knew people and society aren't that nice. That's why you may think of me as forcing you to give up."

"Why are you telling me all this?"

"Because I want you to understand what I'm doing. I don't want you to feel like the whole world is against you. Even if I may look like helping them, I'm really trying to find the best solution for you. And please remember there are still people who care for you. That you're not alone."

Suddenly I remember Norah and Sam. They did nothing wrong and I ignored them for days. Yet they're still on my side and take care of me willingly.

Since the beginning, actually I knew you just want to help me. You really listen to me. You don't force me to do what you want. You're just questioning me and it's me who's weak.

You're right. If only I could win your argument everything might be different. But one thing you don't know is that I'm slowly losing myself here. Trying to win your argument kills me slowly. That's why I stopped trying. I have no confidence in winning.

I'm already halfway to let him go.

"I'm, I'm just not ready to let him go."

"So, are you saying that your final decision is to let him go?" you don't sound as happy as I thought you would. I guess a part of you really hoped I could win and be happy. Deep down you know he's my happiness.

"But when I remember him. Our time together. How he loves me. Everything he did for me. How could I?"

"Listen. We could try to think of something else. You don't have to rush things. You're still young."

"What do you mean?"

"I'll talk to the director. Let's take this slow, okay? And for this, you'll need their support."

"I don't want their support. It will only remind me of their betrayal," I'm still in so much pain because of them.

"You told me you don't blame them. That you still love them. I believe they are still important to you too. Isn't that why you think of letting him go?"

"I think you're mistaken here. I don't choose them. I let Tatum go because of my weakness. Because the future with him is so scary. It's better for him if he never see me again. Then he'll just think the miracle stop."

"Wait, you want to leave?"

"Isn't that the plan since the beginning?"

"But I don't think it's the right thing to do. You're still in your weak state. You need counselling. That's the plan I was going to tell you."

I'm touched that you still try to come up with a plan to help me. Although I'm the one who's giving up, you still don't give up on me. But I think it's too late.

"If I let him go, I can't stay in this city anymore. I don't want to accidentally meet him. And, it will just be like any ordinary break up. Most of people survive their first heartbreak. So I will survive."

"But your situation is different. You can't be left alone."

"Why? Because I'm mentally ill? Don't worry. I won't foolishly kill myself if that's what you're afraid of. I have no right since I'm the one who hurt him. I need to live with my sin. I need to see the end of this road."

"Tina," you really are concerned about me. You don't like my decision at all.

My puzzled and messed up mind is starting to get clearer. Everything seems simpler. Too bad this clear mind is the poison itself. A poison that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

True love. Maybe I'm just not lucky enough of having that in this life. And if Tatum could forgive me, I hope my next life we could be reborn in the same world and love again.

"You're not telling me stay with him now, are you?"

"I want you to make decision calmly. Please think this through once again. Because right now I think you're just running away. Why don't we talk some more?"

"Dr. Miller. I know you're trying to help me. It's fine already. It just means that I'm the one who ends this miracle. That I'm the one who choose when to end this. That I take control of this miracle for once. But if you want me to think he's not real even for a second, I won't do it. I know he's real. No one can change that."

That's right. I might have lost for choosing to let him go. But they're also lost because I won't accept him as just an illusion.

"So, you don't have the slightest doubt of him being just an illusion?"

"Yes. It's fine if I don't talk about it anymore right? Even if all of you can't believe he's real, I won't see him anymore. So in this world, it's the same as I'm not hallucinating anymore."

"Why do you have to go this far for him? And if you're willing to go this far, why do you give up this easy?"

Easy? Do you think it's easy to give up your love? Of course it's far from easy. But it's the only way I'm not getting myself crazy and forget all about him.

"What part of me loving him don't you get? When you love someone, there's no going this or that far. It's just something you do out of your love. I give up because I'm not strong enough. And if we ended up going in different world, it's better if he remembers me as the me that night. It's better for me to remember his smiling face than his angry face and especially his sad face."

— — —

Tatum was officially my boyfriend. I officially had my first boyfriend ever. With such a wonderful guy to be my first.

Well, it hadn't been a week but I was really happy. I couldn't erase the smile in my face every second of these past few days. Even my parents and friends noticed something's different. I was just saying the truth of being happy.

People could suddenly have a good mood.

I asked Tatum to spend a new year eve with me. I wanted to be with him when the year changed and he agreed easily. He also loved spending more time with his girlfriend. We're both so happy together.

Because of the special occasion, I decided to wear a skirt. It's not like I hated it. I just normally saw no purpose on wearing it. I loved being comfortable and jeans gave me that feeling.

But it's a special date with my beloved one so of course I wanted to look extraordinary. He did love the way I look during Halloween party.

To accompany the skirt, I also put some makeup on. Just adding a pink lipstick and mascara to my daily routine. Nothing difficult or too much.

It would look better if I wear high heels but I would be going to his place. There's no way I made it in one piece walking around the woods in heels. And after my last experience, I knew it's better to just wear something comfortable for walking than wearing something fancy.

The look I went for was a sporty with a bit of feminine flare. I would still feel comfortable going around the woods but I would also look pretty. I really wished he would compliment me again.

Although we're dating, he never told me that I'm pretty. Well, I was nothing compared with all of the girls there. Even I admitted that fact. But there's nothing wrong with hoping.

Just when I was getting ready, my phone rang. It's Sarah.

"Hey," I answered.

"Hey. The girls wanted to have a night out in my place. You'll come, right? It's been so long since you join us. You said you are not upset with us anymore."

"Sorry. I don't think I can make it tonight. I'll see you tomorrow. The first day of new year. Promise," I said as friendly as possible to show her I was okay with her.

"Why? What's more important?" she asked a little upset.

If I was being honest, Tatum was definitely more important. Not just because he's my boyfriend. Not because my love for him. I also never agreed with love over friendship. But Tatum's both. He's my love and my best friend. It's because he's Tatum that he's the most important person for me.

"Hmm, my parents will be home tonight," I lied again. "That's why I wanted to spend time with them. You know how they rarely home."

"They are?" she sounded like she didn't buy it.

"Yes. I couldn't believe it myself. You don't know how happy I am."

She didn't say anything for a few seconds that I thought she hung up on me. "They won't go to the annual party? My parents said they'll all go."

"Ah, that party… They said they're not going this year. Well, they're really tired and want to have some rest."

She didn't answer right away again.

"Well, if that's the case, there's nothing I could do. I'm happy you will spend your time together."

"Thanks. So, see you tomorrow?" I decided to keep this promise.

"Sure. See you tomorrow."

We both hung up and I continued to dress up. I felt bad for lying. She was happy for me. She was a good friend but I kept lying to her. I couldn't count how many times I had been lying to her.

She's not the best of friend out there but we knew each other for a long time. I sometimes found myself loving her as a sister. She's really the closest of friend and I wouldn't mind calling her my sister. I was the big sister of course.

After the halloween night, Sarah, Marcy, and Joy knew for sure that I hated Brendan. They stopped forcing me and they didn't even hang out with Brendan anymore. So there's no way that I could be upset with them.

There's just something about my stalker and my time with Tatum. That's the reason I couldn't hang out with them as much as I wanted. I always went back home right away after school with Tatum.

After I was ready, I went to Tatum's home immediately. I missed him so much. I wished we could phone each other but that was just impossible. That's why the only thing we could do was seeing each other as often as possible.

My mind was full of him lately that I forgot about my stalker. Well, I didn't care anymore. If anyone wanted to hurt me, they could try. I would fight for my life.

Being loved by the one I loved gave me strength and courage. All of my beliefs about love was proven to be right.

"Tatum," I called up to him.

He's on his bedroom but heard me anyway. He went downstair to greet me.

"I've been waiting for you," he smiled walking closer to me.

"Sorry. Sarah called me so I talked to her for a while."

"What did you talk about?"

He's worried about my relationship with my friends. He felt responsible for monopolising my time. He knew they were all good friends but I often lied to them. He didn't think it's good to lie but he also knew there's nothing else I could do.

I told him people wouldn't believe me if I told them the truth. And as a sci-fi fan, I told him I probably would be drag out to a research lab and became a guinea pig. None of us would want that.

"She asked to me to stay over at her place. My friends will be having a new year party in her home."

He looked a little bit down so I hurriedly explained my plan. "Well, tonight I just want to be with you. I already told her I won't be coming. But in exchange, I will spend time with her tomorrow. So, is it okay with you if we don't spend time together tomorrow?"

"Well, we've been together everyday. It's fine if you want to spend time with your friends. I think you need to do that. I understand."

"You're the best," I hugged him excitedly.

He's not used to a lot of touching but I did teach him a little about what a couple usually do. He didn't mind.

"So, what do you wanna do today?" he asked me lovingly.

"Nothing. I just wanna be with you. I want to talk to you. I want to remember your face. And your voice," I grabbed his arm and leaned on him.

"Why are you saying like we won't see each other anymore?" he's not happy.

"It's not that." I hit his arm playfully. "It's because I miss you so much. I just wish I could draw well enough to draw your face. Or to have a photographic memory so I could always see your face and hear your voice whenever I want."

"That makes two of us."

We both laugh. We really became similar to each other. We often thought of the same things. We wanted the same things. Mostly it's about us so it's not surprising. We're just in love.

"Tatum."

"Hmm?"

"Your world is far more advanced then mine, right?"

"Well, in a way it does."

"Can't you make a spaceship and come here?"

I didn't know what I was thinking. I didn't know where did thought just come from. But I really wanted him. I wanted to live with him. Not hiding him like this. I was so happy that I wanted to introduce him to everyone. To tell everyone that I got myself the most wonderful boyfriend.

Clingy wasn't my type but just for a day, I wanted to be clingy to him. I was also curious about his reaction. I wondered how much he loved me and I just wanted to have some proof of his love. In a simple term, I got greedy.

"I want to do that. But I think it's not possible." He was always an honest one. "I don't exactly know where your planet is. It will take years to find you and I'm not even sure about the possibilities."

I faked a laughter. "Of course. I was just saying. But iff there's a possibility, would you do it for me?"

"That'd be the first thing I'll do."

I smiled satisfied of his answer. Just his intention was enough. His sweet talks felt so amazing because I knew he's telling the truth. It's not just a white lie or a pick up line with him. It's his real feeling.

"Tina," he called me. "The reason I don't think about it is because I want to enjoy every moment with you. It's better to be with you like this, than travelling for years without seeing you."

That's it. I was sure he loved me just as much as I did. I knew he'd do anything for me. For us.

"I know. I also don't want you to leave. So don't you dare leave."

"I won't leave. I will always be here for you to find," he hugged me and I moved in closer to hear his heartbeat.

— — —

"That last memory you mentioned was that day, right?"

I nod once. That day was actually the happiest day of my life. The most beautiful, wonderful, amazing day. I thought I could have a lot of those days. I never saw the end was coming.

"If you found love like mine, don't ever let go. At least you'll be in the same world. There's no reason to break up. Maybe love really can conquer everything but different worlds," I sound so old but this experience is really a life lesson.

"I see that you still believe in love. I'm glad you do."

"I feel it myself, so why shouldn't I believe in love. I'm still better than those who don't find a love like this."

Just like I believe him. I will also believe in love. I'm not giving up on him or love. The one I'm really giving up is me, my love, and my happiness. But I won't tell you, Sam, or Norah about that because you'll do anything to stop me from leaving.

It's true that you three are different from the rest. You really want the best for me. That's why if you truly know my reason, you will stop me. You will try to find another solution. But for me there's no other solution.

There's just two options for me. But the first one was already impossible. No one will leave us alone. I would get stressed out and eventually blame him. That's the last thing I wanna do.

At least, I take control of my life this way. I might be doing something cruel to him. But as long as he doesn't find out, he will only be happy when he remembers me. I only want to bring him happiness. I only want to be his happiness.

That's why I'm giving up.

"You know you're contradicting yourself? Your choice doesn't resemble your state of mind. Why are you giving up this easy?" you stubbornly try to prolong my torture.

"There's no hidden plan. I'm not saying all of this just to get out of here. How many times do I have to say my final choice? I will leave. I will live my new life so far from here. That way someday I will forget. Isn't that what everyone believe will happen? So why can't you just let me do it?"

"Because I feel like you're still hiding something. I told you why I want to help you. I still do. That's why you have to be honest with me."

You stare deep into my eyes. You're still trying to understand me. And I think you will find out my reasons sooner or later. You're pretty sharp. I just hope you won't stand in my way.

I will be halfway honest with you. I think you deserve that for being a such a good doctor and a good listener. I'm really glad you're my doctor. At least you're not driving me mad like the rest of them. I think I'll turn my back to the world if you're the same as my uncle.

"It's actually simple. I don't like being here. Wether it's being here, or somewhere my parents will send me off, I won't ever see him again. So why do I have to spend my time here. You never tell me you want me to admit he's an illusion. Or is that the only key to get out of this place?"

"It's not that. For me personally, I don't find any threat in you believing him."

I knew you're gonna say that. From your questions, I know you're just trying to make me think. I was blinded by my own love. Maybe I really lost touch with reality, but it's with a different reason I got sent here. You just open my eyes.

"That's good then. Because if the only key is me saying he's a hallucination and then I still need to live without seeing him, I'd better be here."

"But I still think you need some counselling even after you get out."

"About what? To overcome a heartbreak?" I sneer.

I'm embracing my new mask of being someone indifferent. I feel like it's all just a game. I'm the main character and I need to deceive everyone. Perhaps in the end, I can also deceive myself.

"I'm really worried about you. Why don't we talk about your parents and friends first. Let's get through all these together and then I will decide when you can leave."

"Why do you want me to talk about them? Just because you told me your story, doesn't mean I want to talk about mine. There's nothing there."

"No, Tina. I think they are also a part of your problem."

"No. Even if I'm hallucinating, trust me it's not because of them. I'm fine. I was fine."

"Tina," you plead.

"The only thing I wanna talk about is Tatum. Let's just talk about him. In fact, we haven't gotten into the best part yet."

— — —

Tatum and I spent the day laughing and having fun together. It's like the ideal date I'd been dreaming about. He did make my dreams come true.

I couldn't believe I almost rejected this kind of guy.

It got dark outside quickly. Thankfully I already made preparation and brought a portable lamp with me. I bought it at a camping store yesterday. I was glad I could think ahead of time because the haunted house's still scary when the night falls.

The lamp wasn't that bright since it's the only light. But it's better than nothing. At least I could see his face clearly.

Once the night came and the stars came out, I asked Tatum to move to the balcony. I sat on my old chair and stared at the sky full of blinking stars.

"Is there a lot of stars as well at your world?" I asked a classic question.

"Of course. Though I can't see it really well tonight."

"Why?"

"It's snowing. Let me show you."

He took out the wristband and powered it up. The beautiful snowy scenery was just played in a hologram. Too bad it's not snowing in my world. If it snowed, at least I could pretend we're in the same world just for a while.

"Say, how's your parents and Mist? They don't do anything about us getting together?"

"Why are you talking about them so suddenly?"

"Nothing. I just felt, they took it too easy."

That's true. I thought Mist would throw a fit for not getting married. I wondered how Tatum explained all of these stuff to her and his family. I was just glad for him.

"Well, first of all, we do know we're not alone in this vast universe. So it's not hard to believe you exist somewhere. And they do still wonder why this happens to me. They call a few times to ask but they're pretty much fine about it."

"I see."

"Didn't I tell you. The marriage isn't about love over here. It's like a job and I can just do another job to help my world. You don't have to worry about my marriage anymore."

He did understand that I still worried about that. There's no helping it. He was about to get married. He's still close with his ex-fiancee. If he got bored with me, he probably hit it off with her again. And this time they'd fall in love so I hated imagining it even more.

Besides, I think it's possible that Mist loved Tatum. She had no one else besides Tatum and the first time I knew about her, she's asking to get married soon.

"Don't you trust me? I won't get married. I have you here with me," he accentuated once more but I got it in a wrong way.

"So you will get married if I'm not here?!"

He chuckled looking right at me. "Then stay. Just stay forever by my side."

He stroke my head gently and stopped his hand over my cheek. "Let's stay together forever."

It was the right moment. It was the nicest situation. I thought he'd pull me closer and kiss me for the first time. If only he knew about a kiss, he'd kiss me. But I hadn't told him about it. It's somehow embarrassing for me to mention it first. I didn't want to look like I asked for a kiss.

And just like that, he caressed me gently and then went back to the usual interaction with no more physical interaction.

My heart beat faster for nothing. I was considering to tell him about the kiss. Just not sure how to talk about it casually.

We talked some more until the clock almost hit midnight. Time really flew so fast when he's with me. That's why I didn't think forever was enough for us. I was so greedy of him. It's not just love. I was obsessed with him. He became all of my life.

"There's one thing that I want to do," he suddenly got up.

I stared at him looking confused.

"Let's dance."

"What?"

That came out of nowhere so I couldn't answer right away. Of course I would love to dance with him. It's perfect to end the year with a dance.

"Please, dance with me?" he offered me his hand which I gladly took.

"Why so sudden," I said shyly. I couldn't hide my smile.

He pulled me closer and I put my left hand on his shoulder. I almost laughed realising that we didn't have any background music. I was just going to follow his lead and moved as he wanted to. But suddenly he started to sing.

It's the song I sang before. It's the song I used to describe love. To teach him the simplest form of love.

Love Song by Adele.

This time it's his turn to sing it to me. I was so surprised he remembered that. I only sang it twice. The second one was his request but I never thought it would be used this way. I was more than happy he sang it for me. He's not the best singer but who cares.

Our feet moved in rhythm and I started to sing together with him. We were perfect together just like our duet sounded in my ear.

He's the reason I was so obsessed. He was more than my expectation all the time. I fell deeper each day. No. Each second. I never knew I could fall so fast and deep like with him.

"I will always love you," we ended our duet while we're closer more than ever.

His face was only a few inches away. He moved closer and I naturally closed my eyes. Somehow I believed we'd kiss and thank God we did.

The kiss was soft. His lip was soft.

Because I closed my eyes, all of my senses gathered in my lip that connected with his. His breath. His warmth. His gentleness. And even his love. I could feel it all and that was amazing. Never thought a kiss would feel this amazing.

When I said time was moving so fast, it's like the time stood still when he kissed me. But when he ended it, I couldn't make sense of the time anymore.

The kiss felt so long yet it also felt short. It's like a century passed us by when his lip left mine.

"I hope it's okay," he said still close enough for me to feel his breath. "We can only do it with our wife here. That's how special you are for me. I hope it's okay with you."

I nodded excitedly. Of course it's okay. It's more than okay.

"I thought you don't know about kissing. That's what couple usually do here. I'm really glad you did it."

He pretended to be sulking. "We may not know much about love but we're not stupid."

"No. You're not stupid at all."

We smiled and I hugged him so tight.

"That's not just kissing. That's the vow of my love. I love you," he whispered sweetly in my ear.

"I love you more than you know. I will always love you," I replied happily.

"I'm so glad you taught me that song. That's how I figured out my feeling for you. And somehow, that's just fit perfectly into our situation."

I just chuckled at his comment. I thought of that before. Deep down, I was also glad I chose that song. It's like fate lending me its hand in choosing that one particular song.

That's officially became our song.