Our World, and the universe between us

I become quieter. Last night Norah and Sam couldn't convince me to eat. This morning I just had an apple and chocolate milk. It's not like I got my appetite back. I just got a low blood sugar and Sam forced me to eat. And I swear she looked like she'd beat me to death if I didn't eat.

But for the rest of the morning, I just stayed silent. Even Norah only sat with me but too timid to start a conversation. She won't know what to say either.

She looks so much brighter today but not as cheerful as before. And for that I'm really glad.

"I talked to Dr. Miller yesterday. He really wants to help you. Please be nice, okay?" Sam tells me as I walk into the office.

I'm really in no mood to talk to you. But I'm just like a doll caught up in strings. I have no strength to oppose those strings.

"Please, sit down," you greet me full of compassion. You're still worried about me.

I guess Sam and you just became partner in crime on what you guys called helping me. I'm really grateful but I'm in no position to express it. I'm really in pain. Even if I was hallucinating, I wasn't depressed about it. It never bothers me.

Being here. Though I'm thankful I can meet you, Sam, and Norah, being here is the reason of my depression. I'm sure I don't have any mental health problem before. This place is the start of my problems.

"How are you today?" you ask really concerned.

No word's coming out of me. A part of me doesn't want to talk. To you or everyone else. But another reason is I'm too weak to have a proper conversation. I really don't have appetite but my body still needs energy to function.

"I know you're still in shock. I understand that. And you want to go as soon as possible. But I'm really trying to help. I already talked to your uncle and I'll talk to your parents soon."

"You don't have to do that," I sigh in defeat. "They don't even come here. I don't care anymore."

I thought I was strong enough to go against the world. But I know I'm just a young girl. I need love. I crave for it. Especially from my own parents. They are supposed to love me or perhaps they taught me wrong.

Sometimes blood isn't thicker than water. And for as long as I remember, the blood hasn't been a thick one in my family.

"Why don't we talk about something you love. Something that could cheer you up," you suggest and I don't really know about that. Is there really something that could suddenly cheer me up?

"How was your relationship with Tatum? All I know is that he's got a fiancee and it's just an unrequited love on your side. But I heard you love each other."

"He suddenly fell in love with me. Things just happened, okay?" I answer flatly.

"Didn't you say you don't want to ruin his marriage?"

"Future marriage. He's not married yet. But he probably will if you don't let me go."

"I didn't mean to upset you."

I roll my eyes. I do know what you mean. You just want to start a civil conversation with a broken hearted person. And I really hate myself for not able to ignore you properly.

"Well, we just spent time together again. Tatum and I. I didn't plan to ruin anything. I just wanted to be with him. At least until he gets married or I move for college."

"Really?" you sound intrigue.

"Yes. But as we spent more time together, things happened. I don't even know when he started to fall for me. Maybe he noticed my feeling and fell for me. Maybe he just never met a girl like me. But after our promise," I almost choke in tears again but manage to control myself. "Our relationship was never been the same."

"How so?"

"He's more… open. It's like he's warming up to me. I liked it because I could get to know him more. And you could say I took every advantages I could get. Not in seducing him but just talking and spending more time together."

"How's that different from before?"

"I don't really know. Maybe it's because I accepted the fact that I love him. The way I treated him changed. We quarrelled less and I made him laughed a lot. And I noticed he's a naturally born player. I never would have guess he's a smooth talker. Never in a million years from my first impression."

At that I feel like I can truly smile again. I can't believe how much he got effect on me. He's really a player and he plays my heart so well. But I also know every words he said was the truth and full of sincerity. That's why I fell harder for him.

— — —

The first and only halloween I spent with Tatum was really special. I never wore a skirt before so I wanted to show another side of me. That's the perfect chance to show my feminine side.

I had a halloween party at school. Of course it's a costume party and that's how I came up with the idea. I wanted to be a girl in front of him.

Tatum and I had spent more time around the city. Acting as normally as possible so people wouldn't notice and I was confidence to bring him to the party without acting strange.

He didn't know about halloween so I wanted to take him around as well. He looked excited when I mentioned my plan. It would definitely be the greatest memory for us.

We promised to meet at school. My school was located around library in his world. The library was actually three times bigger than my school and because of that, he could move around freely. He'd been to my school a lot of times and he memorised the layout.

The best spot to meet, without many eyes staring for either my world or his, was the teacher lounge. I walked as fast as possible not ruining my costume and make up. I decided to dress as an angel.

A simple long white dress with small wings attached on my back. I curled my hair loose and wore a gold headband as my halo. I had pink blush on and wear the same colour lipgloss to look more natural. I wore a fake lashes for the first time.

Truth be told, I just wanted to look beautiful in front of him. It's not like I wanted to ruin his engagement because I already threw away that intention long ago. I just wanted to be beautiful in front of the guy I loved and perhaps got some praises.

I saw him waiting and I called out his name after I made sure no one's around. "Tatum."

He looked at me and I was so confident to say that he's stunned. I never really put any makeup everyday so I was afraid I would look weird for him. But I smiled when I saw how amazed he was. I caught him off guard and my plan was a success.

"What are you wearing?" he asked once he managed to collect himself.

"This is my costume. I told you we're wearing costume tonight. How do I look?" I was acting cheeky. I wasn't really a feminine type so it's kind of embarrassing to turn around cutely.

"Well, I almost didn't recognise you. You look so much better than usual."

Somehow his praise made me irritated. Did he think I wasn't beautiful all this time? But I kept telling myself that at least tonight he admitted I was beautiful. That's a new one. That's what I wanted.

"So, what are we going to do now?" he asked me again.

"It's a party. We usually just dance around and have fun. My friends are waiting for me inside. So please understand that I can't talk freely with you all the time."

"Then, why am I here?"

One thing I noticed after getting closer with Tatum, he sulked easily. I wasn't sure why. He didn't sulk before but lately he sulked a lot. I just took it as the sign we're getting closer. That he's accepting my existence in his life.

"I'll show you how we enjoy halloween here. I told you pretty much about it already. This is how we have fun. You'll see," I raised my hand and show him my ready apple watch.

Another thing about him sulking was he's not really sulking. Because even though he's sulking, he'd give in and did what I asked him to eventually. Fortunately, I didn't need to purposely making him sulked to see his cute side. He's handsomely cute.

We walked into the jam packed party room. There were a lot of pumpkin decorations. The light was a bit dim. The stage for performer was dark and decorated with skulls. It's kinda cute though.

The room was so noisy for me but complete silent for him. I should meet my friends first but I knew for a fact that once they saw me, they wouldn't let me off. I admitted that I spent less and less time with them as I spent more time with Tatum.

I stood behind the vampire statue which I didn't know who made it so real. I kept as invisible as I could and connect my phone so Tatum could see it real time. He's amazed by the chaos in my world and asked me to show more. He looked happy as a kid on christmas day which made me proud of myself. Mission accomplished.

He got interested in a few costumes and I willingly explained them quietly. I spoke softly so only him could hear me in this noisy world.

There's a vampire of course. It's really easy to guess he'd be interested in that outfit. Somehow I wanted him to dress as a vampire. A sexy one if I could ask. He'd look drop dead gorgeous with his blue eyes and pale skin.

He's also interested in someone wearing Iron Man getup. Well, he liked most of the heroes costume. It's like he could pin point them by instinct. Even the Wonder Woman. And I deliberately lost her in the crowd. It's enough to get jealous of his fiancee. I couldn't take it if I needed to get jealous about another Earthling. Yes, I'd been calling everyone and even myself as Earthlings for some time.

"Hey, why are you sneaking around?" someone tapped me lightly. It's Sarah, Joy, and Marcy. I was about to say hi when I noticed the manly figure behind them.

"We've been looking for you," Joy chirped enthusiastically.

"Oh, hi. I just wanted to take some pictures."

Tatum stood silently beside me. He knew I was talking with my friends. I told him about my friends and even showed their pictures. Thankfully he's not interested in any of them. Well, seeing his family, fiancee, and friends, I knew Quartians were beautiful in a whole different standard. Higher.

"You should dance with Brendan," Marcy added in.

No matter how many times I said I didn't love the guy, and the fact that I deserted them before, they still pushed me with Brendan. Sometimes I thought they just played a prank on me.

What's more confusing was the guy in question. How could he not get my flat out rejection. I especially showed no interest in him. Was this whole situation a bet? I really hoped it was so I wouldn't feel this guilty.

"If you don't have a partner, do you want to dance with me?" Brendan spoke confidently.

He just didn't take no for an answer. Maybe that's why he didn't take my answer seriously. It's really frustrating.

There's still a possibility I could fall for him. From outside, he's a pretty amazing catch. The only thing that made me sure I wouldn't fall for him, in fact, the only thing that made me dislike him was his way to get closer to me.

I'd like it if he could just be a man and courted me. But he needed to make use of my friends and cornered me like this. That's despicable. I really hated his way of doing things.

"I'm fine. I just wanna enjoy myself here," I stated my answer.

"Oh, come on. You should have fun," Joy tried to change my mind.

"Then you should just do it with Brendan yourself. I'm good."

"Just do it, Tina," Sarah cornered me. "Don't spoil the moment."

This girl also never took no as an answer. "Fine," I finally gave in. I didn't smile at all but they didn't care about it. "I'll be gone for a while," I said it to them but I really meant it for Tatum to hear.

I took a glance at Tatum who understood immediately what to do. He didn't know about the dancing part since he couldn't hear the whole conversation but he knew I asked him to stand still.

Honestly, I didn't care about the song. It's true that Brendan held my hand and even put his hand on my back but the only person I saw was Tatum. He stood there, among the crowds but somehow I could still find him. I always found him.

"Thanks for dancing with me," Brendan tried to strike a conversation but I just replied with a lazy hum.

Brendan tried to ask me out on a date but I rejected it right away. Even his effort on asking me and my friends out was fruitless. He could just have fun with my friends but I really wanted him to leave me out of it.

The song finally came to an end. I pushed him away before he had his chance with the beginning of the next song.

"Brendan, you're really a good person. But I can't be with you. Please stop bothering me. Find someone else."

It's cruel but I left him on the dance floor. If cruel was what I needed to stop him, I could be the devil itself. It's not just for me but for his own's good.

Sarah, Marcy, and Joy looked at me confused. They should be proud that their friend just rejected the hottest guy in school. Too bad we thought differently.

Lately, it seemed clearer that we had different ways of thinking. All this time, I was just accommodating them. I realised I made a lot of compromises for them and for once in my life, I just wanted to follow my heart.

Tatum also stared at me. He didn't look happy and I decided to leave the party. I didn't want to create a scene and I needed to know what happened to the guy I cared about.

"I think I'll go home now. See you guys tomorrow."

The girls wanted to stop me but I just walked away grabbing Tatum's arm. He looked surprised but I couldn't possibly say anything to him with all the commotion.

I walked away from school as fast as I could. Well, my home was only an hour away from school so I didn't ride my car. I hadn't ridden my car for months since I met Tatum. I enjoyed walking beside him.

If it's not because of halloween, I'd seem like a lunatic wearing a white gown around. And I didn't thought about my high heels before. My mom drove me to school and I never thought it would be so hard to walk home in high heels.

Trying to look beautiful in front of him just backfired. The price to pay was really expensive.

"Hey, are you mad that I left you alone back there?" I asked the sulky prince.

"I'm not."

"Then why are you so quiet?"

"What's the dancing you're doing back there?" he asked changing the subject.

My feet were starting to hurt so I really didn't have any strength to waste in interrogating him. I would just do my best to answer him and eased his bad mood.

"Well, simply put, it's just moving to the music. Just let our body move according to the music. Just follow the music. It's actually pretty fun."

"So you were having fun with Brendan back there?"

I stared at Tatum. I couldn't believe what I just thought. "Are you jealous?" I thought out loud.

"Jealous?"

I kept staring at him and he did the same. He's waiting for my response but I was too shock to process everything properly.

He knew about Brendan a little. I told him about that guy because I mentioned his name a lot while talking with my friends. But he never seemed care. So why now? Was I oblivious this whole time?

"What's jealous?" he asked again, impatient.

It would be a lie if I said I wasn't happy at the thought of him getting jealous. But I didn't know what I should do. Just saying he's jealous wouldn't change anything. And I didn't want to force this thought into him. He's getting married. And I could be wrong.

Not to mention, our situation was just too complicated. It's too late for me to play innocence and act like I felt nothing. But it's not too late for him. He mustn't realise his feeling, wether it's true or not. Never.

That way we could stay the same. And it would be less complicated for him. Perhaps not knowing would make it easier for him to forget me when our time's up. I wanted to give him the chance I couldn't give myself.

"Oh, it's not that important."

"What is jealous?" he insisted.

I tried to find another answer but nothing came up. I wondered how I was a good liar towards my friends when I couldn't utter a single lie at the significant moment. Although I did lie and hide my feeling rather well.

While I was thinking hard, I felt someone's gaze from behind so I looked back. I saw no one but Tatum saw my nervous look.

"What is it?"

"I thought someone was following us. But I guess I was just being paranoid," I answered softly so it wouldn't seem like I talked at all. "Let's get home first."

I walked faster to lose any tail. I looked back a few times to made sure no one's following me. It was not a comfortable feeling but thanks to that intervention Tatum forgot about his question. He just looked worried as I kept running not muttering a single word throughout the way.

No one's home at that time so I just grabbed the key in my purse and opened the door. I leaned back on the door panting. It was hard running in heels though I only felt it after I stopped running. The adrenaline made me numb from the pain but now I was left with a throbbing feet.

"Are you okay?" Tatum looked really worried.

I looked at him still breathing heavily. I nodded to tell him I was fine. I was too tired to talk. He let me rest and just stood in front of me.

There were a lot of crime movies I saw so I couldn't help but being paranoid when I felt someone was following me at night. Plus, it's halloween for God's sake. The horror was doubled because of it.

Since no one was making an effort to get inside the house, I could feel relief. Maybe it was just in my head and that would be for the best. I didn't want to encounter any type of psycho.

After a while, I needed to drink a glass of water. I didn't realise how dry my throat was. So I took off my high heels but it was so painful. My feet were bleeding. Not too much of blood but it still hurt.

"Your feet!" he also saw my wounded feet.

"It's fine. I'll put some medicine later," I tried to act strong. I didn't want to get used to him getting worried and caring for me.

"I'll help you," he said as he put my arm around his neck and grabbed my waist. He pulled me closer so I had no choice but to lean on him.

"I'm fine," I tried to stop him half heartedly.

"Just let me help you when I offer nicely."

He supported my body and when I felt his warm body against mine I immediately forgot about the pain. I guessed he's the medicine I needed and how I wished I could have another miracle which stopped the time.

"Where do you wanna go?"

I realised he couldn't see my home right now. It's already amazing we walked without bumping anything along the way. He at least managed to memorise the layout of my house although his sense of distance was still a bit off.

"Just go the the left. I need a drink."

He did as I said. And to make sure I didn't bump anything, he paid a lot of attention to my expression to decide where to stop or make a turn. To hide my nervousness I also paid attention to my surrounding.

It was really marvellous we didn't bump into anything earlier. I was on cloud nine and didn't even realise where I was. Thank God he didn't realise it.

He successfully helped me to get a bottle of cold water and sit on one of the chairs in the kitchen.

After a few gulps of water, I noticed he was looking at my feet. The throbbing came back once I saw my own feet. I was proud of myself for making it back home in that condition.

"It must be painful. I'm sorry I couldn't help."

"How many times do I need to say I'm fine. It's not as painful as it looks. And you did help me," I gestured the bottle in my hand.

My thought of his jealousy came back when I saw his solemn look. I wouldn't say he loved me yet but I was sure he cared about me. I was important for him and that's enough to know. It's enough for me to let this feeling go without regret.

"But, why did you run so fast?"

"I felt like someone was following me. It's already dark and I just got scared," I realised I didn't tell him anything and just ran away as fast as possible.

He sighed hard. "Just like back then, you always manage to scare me and make me feel useless."

"What are you talking about?"

"It's because I don't know your world. I keep feeling useless like there's nothing I could do to help you. I felt useless for the first time in my life because of you. Wether it's seeing you getting hurt or even when you walk into death, there's nothing I could do before it's just too late. And there's really nothing I could do after that."

"Tatum?" I called his name hoping it would make him felt better. He did nothing wrong. I didn't blame him because I didn't even ask for help.

He looked in pain more than the pain in my feet. I was happy that he cared about me. I was grateful for him. I didn't want him to blame himself.

"Then, just hold my hand," I spoke unconsciously.

"What?" he asked confused while I was getting flustered by my boldness.

"Hm, I mean, you know. If I stumble and fall, you can pull me or something. At least you can do something or fall with me. Well, that's just my thought. But you don't need to do that if you don't want to. It's just a spontaneous solution I could think of at this moment."

"Let's do that," he made me stop talking. "Let's do that from now on."

I immediately kept telling myself that there's no meaning in our holding hands. It's not a special gesture for him. It's just a solution for this problem, logically speaking. Yes. It's a logical solution. There's no hidden motive. Nope. Not at all.

"F-fine."

His smile's back and I returned it with a big smile myself.

"Well, who knew that you could be smart sometimes," he teased me again.

"I've been telling you I'm smart. I have good grades at school and I am really creative."

We both laughed at our small usual bickering. It'd been a while since we actually bickered. Teasing each other was becoming our new hobby and it's a natural thing for us.

— — —

"You felt someone was following you?" you ask during my story break.

"I did. But it's not my hallucination or paranoia. It's true," I defend myself. I can guess the hidden meaning behind your question.

It really doesn't take a genius to know. You're a psychiatrist. I'm your patient. Everyone says I'm seeing things. Just put these three in a simple equation, everyone will think I was being paranoid when I felt someone was following me.

"Relax. I didn't say anything," you try to keep me comfortable. But to be honest, even if you comment anything about it, I don't care anymore.

Perhaps it's true about what they say. It's better to be indifferent because we won't feel any pain anymore.

If only I never knew love like this, I could be completely indifferent. I won't care about anyone else. I won't give a damn about everything around me. I don't want anything. And I don't need anyone.

Just being inside my safe bubble. Alone. Protected.

But he's there. He's just outside of my bubble waiting. He's the reason my bubble isn't the perfect fortress. He's the only reason that makes me want to stay connected with the outside world. To get out of my high fortress.

I wanna be with him. And to make it happen, I realised I can't be alone in my world. I need people who will believe and accept me. That's why I need you to believe me and set me free.

I know if I run away now, the same thing will happen again. It might be a different person, but they'll put me in this facility again. No one will defend me again. It'll just happen all over again in repeat.

And after I thought about your questions, I started thinking about my future. Do I really have the confidence that I won't regret my decision to be with him? Do I have the confidence not to blame him when everything turns to worst?

The naive me had a baseless confidence. I truly believed love will conquer all. But without any foundation, I'm just like a lost dandelion in the air. I don't really have a place to go. And I don't even have a place to go back to.

When I really thought about my future with him, the unseen future became a cruel monster. Its fangs are ready to consume me whole. It just stands in front of me and I will walk right into its mouth soon.

"It's really true. Someone started to follow me around. I really got myself a stalker after that night," I say painfully.

"Shouldn't you stopped seeing Tatum if you felt someone stalked you? Didn't you fear someone found out about your secret?"

You really know how to stab an open wound. You don't know how I wish I could just go back and lay low.

"I did. For a while."

"And?"

"He came to my school. Well, Tatum kept his promise not to go to my home. He said he'd just stay beside me silently until I got home. He didn't even demand to have a conversation. He could wait until we got into my home and talked. And that's how I spent time with him."

"So you two would go home together?"

"Yes. He'd walk me home. We spent time as usual and the only difference was the place. We used to spend time together at his home but then it's my home."

"You didn't like staying at your home before?"

I shake my head. "I'm not really fond of my home. It's cold and empty."

"I see," you nod your head.

"But it's warmer when he's around," I add immediately.

"But then, you said you wouldn't let him realise his feeling. So did he love you? How did he figure it out?"

I shrug. "At first, I wasn't sure it's love for him. I mean, there are a lot of things that made him attracted to me. Even without love, we're a special existence to each other."

"That's true. Isn't that how you fall for him as well?"

"Did I fall for him because he's different? I don't know. Did I fall for him because we're special? I don't know. But it's true that our differences attracted us. And maybe, because I had no expectation of him at the beginning, I felt no burden being around him. I didn't need to be someone else. I didn't need to create an image. And just like that, I became the real me whenever I was with him."

"And you never feel like you can be yourself around anyone else?"

"Not as free as I am with him. That's for sure. Besides, he never judges me. He found everything about me interesting. That's why I didn't feel bad even though I was showing an embarrassing side. And I think, that's also the same reason he loves me. We become the real us when we're together."

"But if you just take down your wall around people, you can also be yourself."

"Dr. Miller," I stop you from talking. "You just don't get it, do you? This wall. Do you think I could just build and tear it down whenever I want? Do you think I can do it that freely? Then what about you? Tell me. Do you have someone you can truly be yourself with?"

You don't answer any of my questions. I guess it's easier to throw personal questions than answer it. Well, I don't really need your answer since I could guess it already.

People don't just build a wall because they want to. Because it's the natural thing to do. No. They build a wall to protect themselves because they've been hurt before.

People don't just wear a mask because they want to. People aren't born with a mask. They create their own masks to adapt. To be accepted. Because no one is perfect for everyone.

Because people have their own preconception. And no one likes being judged. Especially about being themselves. So they hide a part of them that's not accepted by the other person.

And just like that, we create a wall. We create a different mask depending on who we face against.

"It's really lucky for people who don't need a wall or mask. But most of us aren't that lucky. That's why, he is much more important to me. Not just because I don't need a wall or mask around him. But because he can also tear down my wall and mask. Even though I thought I hide my feeling well, he could see right through me."

— — —

It was christmas. Since I spent most time in my home, I didn't think the stalker last anymore. Whoever it is, they'd probably give up. I still didn't get their intention but when they didn't see me, I believed they'd eventually give up.

So I went to Tatum's home early in the morning. There's no one home anyway so it's not like anyone would notice I'm missing.

"Morning," I barged into his home. He's with someone and he looked so serious.

Tatum noticed my presence but he's still talking with that person. I didn't know who. I didn't want to interrupt so I went outside and took a walk around. I knew when someone's talking seriously, and he certainly needed his privacy. I could always ask about it later and it'd up to him to tell me or not.

After a few minutes walk, I found myself back in front of his home. I didn't know wether he's still with the guest or not so I decided to wait outside.

Thankfully I was in his sight because soon enough, he walked outside. He said bye to the other person and motioned me to come in.

"What happened? Something's wrong?" I asked worried.

"That's Mist," he said his fiancee's name.

I wanted to response but I didn't know how. Whenever he mentioned that name, I just couldn't get used to it. I always swallowed any words I had and remained speechless.

"Tina," he called me softly. "I need to talk to you about something."

"Hm? What is it?" I didn't know the feeling I got. It's almost like a bad feeling but there's also something else that my gut's telling me.

"But first, tell me something honestly," he looked serious which was very cool of him.

"Sure."

"You remember when you danced with Brendan?"

I nodded, not sure where it was going. Well, a lot of things happened that night. But somehow my woman's instinct knew what he's about to say.

"The truth is, I got really upset that night. But after I thought about it myself, I also notice that you felt the same way whenever I talk about Mist."

Oh my God. I couldn't believe he noticed. I was just being speechless. I was sure my expression remained the same. I wasn't upset or anything because I made peace with the fact he's getting married. I hid my feeling well or so I thought.

"You're wrong," I denied.

"Please tell me the truth. You always ask about anything. About anyone. But never about her. You don't like to talk about her, right?"

"That's not like what you think," I said in reflex.

"Do you even know what I'm thinking about right now?"

The one and only lie I hid from him. The only mask I put whenever he mentioned her. The only wall I built between him and I. I felt like they're about to collapse.

"You don't know what you're thinking."

"I don't know about your world. I don't know about the way you live. But don't tell me I don't understand about myself. Please don't deny me," he grabbed my wrist tight. "I didn't know before. But after I realised my feeling, I came to understand yours."

He paused and forced me to look into his crystal clear eyes with his other hand. "I love you, Tina."

His confession was all I could wish for. His love was all I ever wanted. But I already gave it up so I wasn't sure how to feel about it. I came to a conclusion where it's better if we stayed as friend. And his confession would ruin it all.

"You don't understand. We are different. There's no way we can be together. And you're about to get married, remember? She was just here earlier."

He had fiancee. That's the foundation of my wall. It was so strong before but I never knew he could just blow it off in a matter of second.

"That's why I broke off my engagement earlier."

"W-what?! You did what?!"

"I told her I couldn't marry her. That's why this morning she came to talk about it."

"How could you do that? You told me…"

"I told you I needed to marry her for our family. But that's when I didn't know about love. Maybe you thought it would be better if I didn't know anything about love. But now I do. I know about love and I won't give it up for anything."

"We can't. You know our situation so well. How could you ever think of that?"

"It's because I know. At least, when we're together, I don't want to have any regret. I want to be with you. Laugh with you. Being in love with you. That's the only way to make this memories of us the happiest. So that no matter what happen later, we won't let go of our memories together. Because it will only bring happiness."

In my deepest heart, I knew I'd regret and run away from our memories together if I didn't take this chance. And I wanted to smile when I remember him later. He's a part of me that I didn't want to forget. No matter what possibly happen to us.

But I was still unsure about us.

"Please, Tina. Give me a chance to feel love. Please let me feel what love really is."

I looked at him and I knew he's just an ordinary boy confessing his love. Just like any boys, he's worried about my answer.

"You do know that love isn't all sweet," I stated a fact that perhaps could change his mind.

"I know. But it will be worth it with you."

"And if one day we couldn't see each other anymore, you know it would be painful. Perhaps our memories would hurt even more."

"If that happened, let's just told ourselves that we did everything we could. There's no one to blame and we just need to move on with our life. But if we don't even try, I believe we're the ones to blame."

"There really is nothing to change your mind, isn't it?" I smirked as I tried to smile.

"Nope. I even broke off my engagement for you already."

A drop of tear fell down my cheek but now it's the tear of happiness. It's scary how lucky I was. I didn't know what I did in my past life that I got a lot of miracles out of the blue. But I wanted him. I wanted this love just as much as he did. If not more.

"Then let's give it a try. Let's see how this goes."

He wept my tears away. "Thank you. With this, even if we only had a second left to be together, I will be satisfied."

"Shh! Why did you say something unlucky?!"

He laughed at my sentence. "I won't say anything like that again. Let's just be happy."

— — —

You remain silent after listening to my story. I know that you can feel my love for him. You can feel his love for me. And also about our conviction.

Yet it's your job to scatter it. You probably feel guilty. At least I hope you do.

"He broke off his engagement? How did his fiancee react?"

"He said he told her everything. Although it's hard to believe, she believed him. They're not in love so she's fine. She even started to wonder about love herself. You don't understand how much I envy their world."

When Tatum told me about the people in his world's reaction after he told them about me, I was amazed. They wanted to know more. That's their first response.

I never thought how I would envy them this much. I didn't realise how lucky he was until I was trapped here.

"Well, it's not a normal story. You can't blame your parents or your friends to act this way."

"I never said I blame them," you look surprised at my answer. I am open about me disliking their action. I do disagree with them. But I also know it's a normal response in my situation. It's not that I'm blaming them. I just wished they believe me. Or at least listen.

"You are angry with them, aren't you?"

"I'm upset. Who doesn't when they are lock up in here against their will. But I could still put myself in their shoes. That's why I can't really blame them or hate them. Although I wish I could just hate them."

"You said you can live without them."

"Do you still live with your parents?" I scoff. "There's no problem living on my own. Live far away from them. But that doesn't mean I don't love them. I do love them in my own way. Why do you think I suffer this much?"

"Well, I thought… I mean, your uncle told me about that incident."

I suddenly remember the incident you mention. I did act like a lunatic that day. I shouted and cursed everyone. I didn't respect my uncle anymore. I acted like he's a stranger and I lashed out on him. That's why he put you in charge.

"I was angry, okay. I told him almost about everything. I trusted him. He acted like he listened. But that day, I found out that he didn't even listen to my story. He's not even on my side. He didn't try to understand at all."

"What about me? Can you trust me?"

"The truth is, I don't trust you. I can't trust you. I only have hope with you really are different. I am just a stranger to you. You have no need to control my life. I thought you could be more objective and really listen. But in the end, you are just a subordinate of my uncle. There's not much you could do. So tell me, why should I trust you?"

There's something you don't know and I have no plan on talking about it. Everyone, perhaps even you, think that once I let him go, I could be better. I could go back to being the old me. I could live normally.

Well, wether I let him go or not, my life after this won't be normal. I won't be normal anymore.

Happy? Do you think laughing is happiness?

Family? Friends? Do you think I will still believe I have them on my side?

Letting him go only means I give up. That's simple. It doesn't mean they get me back. It doesn't even mean I choose them over Tatum.

Lately, I realise my own dilemma isn't about Tatum or them anymore. It's not about Tatum or me anymore. It's all about me. Wether I'm strong enough or not. And everyday I realise I'm getting weaker with each passing day.