Our World, and the universe between us

I finished breakfast and headed to the common room to relax. I haven't seen Norah at all this morning. There's also a lot on my mind today. Enough with your questions but I also came up with a few ones myself and they drive me mad.

There are about 15 people in the room including me. There are more empty seat available so I just choose the one near the window. I meet some people's gaze and smile politely. I'm more comfortable now being around the patient here. Thanks to Norah.

There's no harm in giving a smile even though some of them lost contact with reality. I don't ask for a smile in return. I just want to brighten up their days just like Norah did to me. I'm still not brave enough to strike up a conversation but a smile is easy.

Listening to Love Song is the only think I wanna do today if I could choose myself. I wanna reminisce my time with Tatum and get stronger by it. I miss him so much that it hurts. And I'm just scared everything will not stay the same as back then.

Norah finally comes with her hood on. I can't see her face but her body language isn't the same as she usually does. She looks hunch and small.

So, as a good friend, I stop listening to music and walk up towards her. She looks like a mess once I see her up close. She has a bloodshot eyes plus a dark under eyes. She's not smiling. Her eyes swollen from what I believe was tears.

"What happened to you?" I sincerely concern about her.

I pat her shoulder but she just shrug it off and choose a seat randomly. I follow her and I just wanna make everything better for her. She's been there for me and I think it's time for me to do the same.

I hold her hand and it was as cold as ice. She just looks down and soon I notice a few tears fall. I strengthen my grip to make sure she knows she has me.

If only I knew why she's hurting this way, I could think of something to help her. But no, I don't know much of her. I feel bad for not being a better friend and get to know her better. At the same time, I wonder how I could feel so attached to someone I barely know and just met a few days ago.

She's sobbing and there's nothing I can do except saying "Everything will be fine," over and over again.

"Sorry. Today I'm just not in a good condition," she says wiping her tears away.

"There's nothing to apologise. Just know I'm here for you."

She fidgets on her chair and I think I can feel a part of her pain. It pains me greatly to see her that way. I just know it must be related to the reason she got here. And perhaps the scars I've been wanting to ask about but have no courage.

"Why do they hate me?" she asks in the middle of weeping. Thankfully I'm a good listener and we're close so I could catch that.

"I don't hate you. In fact, I like you a lot. I feel like we've been friend forever," I convince her. She finally looks up to me. Seeing her river of tears, my body just moves on its own to hug her.

She's taken aback by my sudden contact but relax away soon enough. She cries on my shoulder and I let her.

More than 10 minutes past and she starts to calm down. She pushes me once she gains her strength back and says, "Thank you."

I don't know who could possibly hate her but it's their loss. Norah is an amazing person. She doesn't deserve this pain.

"I won't force you to tell me. But I'm always here if you need a friend to talk to."

She stares at me with her moist eyes. I ready myself to wipe her tears if she began to cry again.

"My mother left me when I was young," her voice creaks from too much crying. "My father won't see me because I resemble her so much. He blames me for my mother's departure."

I hold back my anger listening to her story. That's absolutely none of her fault. What's wrong with those adults.

"I'm actually a timid person. I just act strong in front of you. I never had any friend before and I'm not good with crowds. But when I saw you, I really wanna be your friend so I pretend to be someone you'll like," she keeps on rambling.

"We are friends and I won't leave you just because of this," I comfort her.

"Everyone will leave. Once they know the real me, they always leave me. If we met under different circumstances, you won't even spare me a glance."

She's got an abandoning issue and I'm not saying it in condescending tone. At least I know a part of her problem and I can think of a way to help her.

"I won't. I believe we will be friends no matter how we meet each other."

"But I'm full of problems."

I grab her hands tight. "You are not a problem. You are my friend and if you have any problem, I'll be with you to face them," I say something that I wish I could hear from my parents and friends.

"I'm sick. And I'm so much weaker outside. You won't like to be around me. I will only trouble you."

It's like everything I said couldn't get to her. She's so sure she's a problem and I'd leave her just like everyone else.

"Norah, you're much stronger than you ever think."

She shakes her head so hard. Tears start forming in her hazel eyes. I think I made a mistake for saying things but there's nothing wrong with every single thing I said.

"I'm not strong. I even, I, I tried to take my own life," she breaks down once again.

"After everyone knew I was admitted here, everything just got worse. I officially became a freak."

"Wait, did you get bullied?" I can't maintain my composure anymore.

"N, not really. They just stared at me and whispered," she sounds so fragile and I don't want to push her too far. That's bullying and I curse those people.

"It's fine, Norah. Just forget about them. You have me now and you'll find people who'll accept you for you. You don't need to pretend anymore. We're friends," I smile to comfort her. I really want to comfort her.

"Thanks, Tina. I'm so sorry," she continues sobbing.

"It's fine. Really. Just remember this, you're not hurting anyone. They are the one who's hurting people. You're better than them."

She nods weakly still unconvinced but at least she stops crying.

Because of Norah, I don't think much about my problem. I feel like the old me again, trying to comfort a friend. That's normal, perfectly normal.

When Sam reminds me to go to our session, I say goodbye to Norah. "You're okay on your own?"

She smile a little, "Yes. Go ahead."

"I'll see you later, okay?"

She nods and I leave her alone. I look back to see her nurse picks her up for her session.

"Is she okay?" Sam asks me full of concern. She's basically the definition of a nice person.

"She just had a break down. But she'll be fine, I hope."

"What about you? Are you okay?"

I hesitant but say it anyway. "I just don't get it. Norah never hurts anyone. I also never hurt anyone. Why do people treat us this way? And I get more upset thinking about my situation."

"Tina Dear, what's wrong?" Sam pulls me so we stop walking.

"She never hurts anyone. She's done nothing wrong. Why are they hurting her? Why she's the one who suffers? And me. What's so wrong about me and Tatum. We don't hurt anyone. Our relationship won't hurt anyone. So why?! Why am I here?! Why can't I be with Tatum?!" I yell at her and get a few stares from bystanders. I just knew this will be a talk of the facility by the end of the day.

Sam pulls me closer and hugs me. She's too strong for me to push away so I give up struggling inside her embrace.

"You've done nothing wrong. She's done nothing wrong. Norah is here because she needs help. And you," she pauses. She doesn't know what to say about me.

"Even if he's just my imagination, no one will gets hurt. It's not their business. Can't everyone just let me be?" I'm begging for an answer, not sure to whom.

"Tina."

"Forget it. I'm late for my session," I wipe the tears that started to form in the corner of my eyes.

She won't understand. She's what people called normal. I might tell her about me, about Tatum, about how I love him so much. But she just doesn't know.

She doesn't know the feeling of being betrayed. When someone's being judged because of something injustice. Yes, everything seems injustice for my point of view. But they, even Sam, won't understand which part is injustice.

"They care about you. And I care about you. We just want the best for you," she's trying to make me understand but that just proved my point.

What's best for me? That's so easy to say. They all say they did everything for me. Well, for all I know, they only did one thing and that's admitting me here. And that's the least of what's best for me.

They could choose a lot of different options. They could hear me out. But they didn't. They didn't even give me a chance to explain myself.

I think they did it because it's the best for them. They didn't give me a chance to explain because they wouldn't give me a chance to embarrass them further. That's the kind of best result they thought about. Not my best.

— — —

"Are you okay?" you ask me immediately as I walk in.

"How do you define okay? Well, am I normal? How could I be okay if I'm not considered normal?" I rebel towards you to channel my anger.

"Tina," you stand up from your chair and motion me to walk to the usual spot. "Please."

I'm still standing by the door. I don't really want to talk right now. I have a lot on my plate and being here will just make it worse. In fact, your questions were the start of my problems.

"I'm really in no mood to talk to you," I don't move an inch.

You looked at me with your smiling eyes. You really play it safe today. You probably learn your lesson already as to not upset me. I stayed silent for almost the rest of the time yesterday. Well, I still heard all of your annoying questions but I just glared at you. And my mood just got a sudden turn for worse.

"Why don't we talk about Tatum? Do you like that?"

I bite my lips thinking about your offer. I'd love that for sure but I'm still upset with your questions. I'm upset because I can't say you're wrong. I'm upset because everything you said is correct.

What's more? You don't judge me like the rest of them. Or maybe you're just good at hiding it. But truthfully, I'm comfortable with you. I just hate your questions that got me thinking for stuff that scared me.

"You realised your feelings. So, what did you do?"

You haven't heard about me running away from Tatum. Yesterday I didn't get, no, I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to talk about it when I was showing you my weakness.

Fine, I'll let you know the rest. I miss him and I believe talking about him will help me. So I take my position and you also make yourself comfortable. Today I won't let you corner me again.

"I didn't see him almost a month. I haven't told you, have I?"

I knew you're going to shake your head. "You didn't see him. So, what happened next?"

"He came to see me."

— — —

It's summer break and all of my friends were in Europe. I didn't go with them because there were just too many changes in our plans. Although I did want to cancel the trip because of Tatum, he's not the reason in the end.

After the girls found out that I had an unrequited love, they made it their mission to get me together with Brendan. They invited him to our trip in secret but I found out about it. That's why I didn't go with them. I just canceled at the last minute so they couldn't do anything about me.

I spent everyday at home. I read the books I hadn't finished. Listening to some musics. And watching some movies became my daily activities.

When I got bored at home, I got my hair and nails done. I just pampered myself everyday because I felt so bad for myself who cried almost every night. I could take my minds off love during the day, but whenever I went to bed, those few moments before I fell asleep made me think of someone I shouldn't even think of.

Actually, I liked being alone, far from my friends. Let's just face it, they're too much. I liked them a lot but sometimes I thought that our frequencies didn't match. They're good for having fun together but I missed times when I could just become myself.

It was late afternoon. I was home alone like usual and decided to swim. I got a swimming pool at the back side of the house. It's my favourite sport and I did it a lot these past few weeks.

I swam for about an hour. I got hungry so I went for the pool side that's closer to the door. I remembered I still got a few slices of pizza left in the fridge. That should do the job before I ordered something else. I wasn't a good cook and that's why I didn't want to bother. I knew it would take too much time for me to just prepare it.

To be exact, cooking's just a hassle for me.

I got out of the pool and took my towel to dry my hair and body a bit. I didn't want to clean up the floor. The housekeeper only came in the morning so I had to take responsibility of my actions around the house.

My body was almost dry when I saw a familiar figure standing on my left.

"Why?" I thought I was dreaming but then I realised I was almost naked. I didn't know why I got so conscious of him and screamed. "Don't look!" I instinctively covered my body with the damp towel.

He's surprised with my response but looked away as I ordered. I used that time to cover up as much as I could with the towel. It didn't help much but I had to settle with it.

"What are you doing here? How did you get here? Did you see? How much did you see?" I blushed as I babbled my questions.

"Can you ask one question at a time? But before that, can I look at you?"

I didn't want him to see me but I wanted to see him so bad. I missed him like crazy and finding him right in front of me was just impossible to hold back my feeling.

"You can look, but don't stare too much," I walked closer so he wouldn't see too much of my body. "How much did you see?" that's the first question that came out of my mouth and without my control. It's a fact that he's a boy after all. I didn't like any boy seeing me with almost nothing and that's the reason I always swam at home. Especially him.

"See what?" he's confused.

"My body! Did you see it?"

"Well, I did see you. But why are you so upset?"

"I don't know about your world. But here, women's body is sacred," my mouth just ran out on its own. It's not exactly a lie although society was much more open right now. But that's once a wisdom and that's what I followed. "Only husband could see our body."

"Sorry. I really didn't know," he sounded like he meant it.

"I guess it's common there for you to see your fiancee's body," I mentally slapped myself. How could I let the jealousy took over me that easy. I just irritated myself.

"I don't think I have. It's really cold here. We normally won't take our clothes off," his expression was still the same as I remembered but somehow it looked more charming. Love did make me crazy for seeing that cold exterior as lovely.

"Ah, so that's why you always wear a lot of layers. I thought it was just fashion."

"But, if it's really sacred, what were you doing here showing it off?" he couldn't take all of the blame.

"I wasn't showing off. It's my home. And I was swimming so this is my swimsuit. I didn't expect to see anyone here."

"This is your home?" he looked surprised and I felt like it's not my home that got him shocked.

"Why?"

He smirked and I knew I wouldn't like what he's about to say. "You see. If everyone in my planet could see you, everyone would've seen your body. It's a public park. There are a lot of people here everyday."

"W-what kind of park?" I didn't know what to think first about this new information.

"It's a field. And you're in the middle of it," he bursted out laughing. I would had thought it's funny if only it's not about me.

"Shut up!" I got angry. When I thought about it, he got me mad easily but I never actually hated being mad at him. I kinda enjoyed it. "There are a lot of people?"

Then, he just cheated with showing me the most beautiful smile he had. All of a sudden I felt butterflies flying around my stomach. They also made my anger and even embarrassment flied away.

"Don't worry. It's almost dark here. No one's around," he explained although it could be a lie. "I'm just so glad to see you. I thought I lost you," he seemed so relieve and I started to imagine him looking for me. That would certainly made me the happiest person.

"So you were looking for me?"

"No way," he answered immediately and his answer felt like a dagger stabbed into my heart. "I had business around here and just took a stroll before going home. You know I'm not the outdoor type."

"I know, I know. You just love your home so much you wish you never had to leave," I got disappointed because it turned out that I wasn't important for him.

"Not that extreme, but I like being home. Don't judge."

Being with him was really dangerous for me. I just realised how much I missed him and I couldn't believe how I survived those torturous days. I didn't care about his feeling for me, his fiancee, or everything he said. I just needed him around me. I wanted to be with him.

Just being with him would be enough. The pain would be worth it.

"But Tatum, I need you to promise me one thing."

"What?" he challenged.

"From now on, don't ever go near this park. Don't ever go near my home again," I sounded as stern as possible.

"Why?"

"You! Do you want me to be cautious and on edge all the time? Really now? How would you take responsibility for me? It's not like you can be my husband," I tried to see his reaction. I needed to see his reaction to decide how much chance I had.

I never imagined I could be this bold before but his reaction was the most important thing. I thought my heart would explode any moment. I heard the ticking signal in my ears getting louder.

"Fine. I won't come here without your permission. Is that enough?"

Just what did I expect? "Okay," I wasn't interested in this conversation anymore.

"But you also need to promise me something."

"What?" I asked but not that curious. I just got my answer so I wouldn't raise my hope again.

"Promise me that you won't disappear without telling me first. Do you know how it feels for me when you suddenly didn't show up? I didn't know what happen to you. And I didn't even know if we could still meet or not."

Hearing him that way, I thought I could conclude that at least I mattered to him. Although he wouldn't love me in the same way, if I could be something important to him, that's enough.

"I'm sorry. Something came up and I couldn't go to your home. And I probably couldn't go everyday from now on."

I lied smoothly and that's the best defence I could pull against him. I didn't want to fall deeper so I needed to maintain some distance between us. You can call me selfish or whatever but I was the one with big disadvantage.

"That's fine. Just tell me when you can't come the day before. If you ever disappear without notice again, I will take it as we can't see each other anymore. I'll probably check your home first but if there's no trace of you, let's just say this all ends. I don't like wondering everyday and waiting for something uncertain."

"I promise. I won't disappear on you again. Ever. The only time I disappear will be the day this connection ends."

— — —

I have difficulty breathing. It's almost like I suffer a panic attack but I can't say for sure because it's the first time for me.

You leave your seat and come closer to help me calm down. "Relax, Tina. Breathe."

You hold my hands and make a circle with your hand on my back in slow motion. It must be a way to tell me the interval of my breathing supposed to be. But right now my mind's blank.

My chest hurts so much. My breathing is still out of my control.

Seeing nothing changes, you hurriedly run over to your desk and grab a piece of paper. You shape it into a cone then put it over my mouth and nose to let me breathe into it.

After a while, I finally get my oxygen back. I can breathe normally again.

"Are you okay? What happened?" you look concerned and I nod to ease your mind. I don't have the strength to talk yet.

Colours appear on my face again and you know it means I'm okay. You go back to your seat and watch over me in silence.

"I don't know what just happened," I say in a weak voice. "I think I just have too much stress lately."

"But why so sudden? What were you thinking?"

I try to remember what I was talking about and I almost have another attack. "What should I do?" I mumble to myself loud enough for you to hear.

"Hey, Tina? What's wrong?"

"Doctor," I call you almost break down in tears. "I- I promised him I won't disappear without notice again. What should I do? What if he thought I'm gone? What should I do?"

With everything's changing so fast, I didn't have time to think about my promise. Now that I remembered, a lot of negative thoughts rush in.

"Wait. How many days have I been here?" I ask myself while counting with fingers to count. "He'll think I'm gone. What if he leave me? And worse, what if he's gone? What if he's not there when I come home? What if he's getting married? I can't be here. I need to leave," I stand up and run for the door. I can't think straight.

The door is near but you're fast enough to catch me from running away directionless.

"Tina. Let's calm down. Let's talk this out first."

"No, Doc. I need to see him now. I need to see him now."

I struggle to get away from your grip but you're an adult and stronger than me. I can't even focus on the pain in my arms as you grasp me tighter.

"You can't leave. And please don't give the director a reason to restrict you. You know what he could do."

I look at you. Begging with my teary eyes. I really need and want to go. I wasted so much time already.

"Tina, I'm here to help but you need to cooperate with me," you're still grabbing my arms tight. You shake me so hard to get my senses back.

My uncle wanted to put me on meds. During our session back then, we just argued everyday, mostly about me asking him to believe me and him telling me to wake up and face the reality. But who was the one who couldn't face the reality?

I couldn't believe how easy it was for him to give up on me. All this time I believed he loved me as his own daughter so I expected him to be different from my real parents who spent less time with me. But he's just the same.

He talked to my parents for sure. But I never would've guess he'd take their side.

"But he'll forget me. He'll leave me," I'm asking, begging for your understanding. He wouldn't forgive me for disappearing again.

"You can't leave. Not yet," you stand your ground.

"Why? Do I need to promise I won't see him again? That I'll give up on him? Do I need to admit he's not real? Just tell me what to do!" I wail like a crazy person.

"That's not how this works, Tina."

"Please. Just let me see him and tell him about this. He needs to know what's happenning to me. I'll come back. I promise. Or you can go with me. Please. I'm begging you."

You don't seem to budge and I don't know what I can do to change your mind. I could get down on my knees if you want but you're still strongly clenching my upper arms.

"I can't let you go. And please don't make a fuss. We don't want your uncle hears anything about this."

"No. I was wrong. I was wrong for trying to make you all believe. I was wrong for arguing with all of you. I was wrong for proving I'm not crazy. I'm fine with people calling me crazy. I will accept it. So, just let me leave first."

"You can't leave. Not until we find out what to do with you. It's your uncle's request."

"You lie. I know him. I know what they all want from me. That's why I'm saying I will say I'm crazy. I will accept that. The drugs, I will take it. Just let me leave. It's been too long."

I mourn the death of my happiness. I can feel my happiness is slowly slipping away. There's nothing I can do except crying and begging. I don't know what to do.

"Do you know what it means to take the drugs?!" you got upset all of a sudden. "You said you will take it?! Don't you know the side effects? Your uncle didn't want you to take it because he's scared of the effects."

"So what? At least they'll leave me alone."

"No, they won't. They'll still monitor you after you take your meds. They'll make sure you're fine before they'll let you leave. It means you need to give up on him."

"Just tell me the fastest way to get out of this place! Drugs or whatever, I will do it. Do I need to give up on him? I will. I will. Just tell them I will do anything they want."

You sigh and look sorry. "I didn't think I will need to tell you this, but your parents already have a plan for you."

"What do you mean? What other plan besides leaving me here on my own?"

"You won't be coming back to your home. When you get out of this place, they already prepared a place for you. I'm not sure where but it's far away. It's your uncle's suggestion. He doesn't think it's good for you to stay in the city. You'll leave once you're ready."

"Wh, How could they do that?!" I escape your grip and back away. "They don't have the rights to do that! They didn't even do anything for me. They can't control my life," I feel like breaking down. Putting me here isn't enough for them.

"Just what did I wrong them? Why are they doing this?" I start sobbing again. I feel like my consciousness will leave me any second.

"I know it's hard to accept, but you need to stay strong."

"I don't understand," I shake my head nonstop. "It's not like I hurt them. They didn't suffer anything. My relationship with Tatum, even if it's just my illusion, it won't effect them. They could still live their life like usual. Why do they want to crush mine?"

"It's because they are worried. When someone's suffering from an illusion, no one can control the illusion. That's why you're kind of a threat to them and even yourself. They don't know what they should do around you."

"They could at least try. They could give me a chance. They didn't even hear me out. Did it make sense?! If I am such a threat to them, they could just leave me alone. How could they be so selfish?"

"I get why you're upset. But if you want to get out of here fast, you need to cooperate with me. Please, listen to me. I promise I'll try to change their mind. If you make a good progress, I will personally ask them to reconsider about your relocation."

What's the use? I don't know what should I get more upset. The fact they'll place me without my consent? The fact they'll never believe me? There's no point, is there? I have no hope.

I keep crying and crying. Even when the session ends, my tears are still flowing out. Sam hugs me once she sees me crumbling down. She glares at you for making me in this state and I can't even say it's not your fault.

"What happened here? Dr. Miller, what do you think you're doing?" Sam's accusing you.

"It's not like that. She just found out about something and," you try to explain but Sam is still sending a death glare at you. Besides, I don't want to be here any longer.

"I wanna leave," I cling onto Sam's clothes and she softens up. "Please."

"Okay Dear. Let's go. Dr. Miller, we'll continue this later."

Sam is a lot older and bigger than you so I understand you might find her scary. I wish I could tease you about the way you look at Sam but I can't even see you properly. Tears are clouding my sight.

— — —

Sam opens the door to my room. It's so dark so she turns on the lights. Soon after, Norah runs inside and she looks so much better than this morning. I don't know how she knows but I don't care even if my uncle finds out.

"Dear, you need to drink something. It will calm you down," Sam sounds a little bit angry since I won't listen to her. I know she's just worried about me.

"I brought you something," Norah pulls out some sweets out of her jacket's pocket.

"I don't want anything. I just want to leave as soon as possible."

Norah tenses up at my sentence. She thinks I will leave her and she starts looking gloomy. She's just not in her best condition so she's got really sensitive. But I'm also in no position to cheer her up.

"I need to see Tatum. He didn't know I'm here. He didn't know what happen to me."

They move in closer to comfort me. Sam takes a chair and sit across my bed. Norah sits on the bed with me.

"Is something wrong?" Norah asks timidly.

"I just remembered our promise," my tears begin to fall again. "He'll think I'm gone. He'll forget me."

"Calm down, Dear. You don't know that. Didn't you say you love each other? Then he'll wait for you."

"But he'll think that we are not connected anymore. That the miracle has stopped. He'll give up on me."

Norah circles her arm around my shoulder. "You can just see him again after you're free. You don't need to dishearten about it."

"What if he chose to get married? Then what will I do?"

"Married?!" Norah and Sam ask at the same time.

"He's got a fiancee over there."

"Wait, it's the first time I heard about this," Sam sounds upset that I never said about the critical fact.

"That's why I need to get back soon. I don't want to lose him."

"And do you think he'll be happy seeing you torturing yourself? Not taking care of yourself?" Sam looks scary when she's angry.

I think for a while and I know she's got a point. He won't be happy about it. In fact, he'll be really upset and I'm not sure he'll forgive me for hurting myself. But what can I do? I can not care about anything else.

"I know you're worried. And you're probably in a lot of pain right now. But hurting yourself isn't the answer. My doctor told me that we need to love ourselves first," Norah voices out her opinion.

"Yeah, right," I say sarcastically. "He's my uncle. I know he's a good talker but he's all talk," I hiss.

"Tina!" Sam reminds me.

I look at Norah and she seems so small again. I made her that way after I vowed to myself I won't let anyone hurt her. I feel sorry because I couldn't think properly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offence you. I just had enough today."

"It's fine. I know people might misunderstand my scars, but they're old. I don't do it anymore."

"Really?" I feel a little bit better. At least that's a good news I heard today. "So why are you here now?"

She hesitates but answer me in the end. "The depression is still here sometimes. And after the school found out about me, people treated me worse. You could say I'm running away. But here is a safe place for me. And it's not like there's anyone who cares outside."

Norah's life is worse than me. But when you're down, you can only focus on yourself. Your misery become the centre of your galaxy. Today I'm down to the lowest part of life.

"So you can leave anytime you want?" I ask full of envy. I thought we're in the same boat.

"I-I still have some issues I need to overcome. I can't leave yet."

That's probably right. She was fine for a few days but today she just had a breakdown. She said the trigger was her nightmare. Fortunately she's a lot better now.

"Dear, you should at least eat. You need strength wether you want to leave or not. Starving yourself isn't the answer for this. And if he truly loves you, he'll wait for you."

I wanna argue using Gandhi's name but I save it for later. I don't know how long I won't eat. I don't have any appetite at all.

"If you don't eat, you can't fight anyone or for anyone, including yourself. When you're weak, they'll have their way to break you," she nags nonstop.

"How do you know I'm not broken already?"

At my question, both Norah and Sam look at me with empathising stare. They don't want to admit that possibility. I know they thought I'm a fighter but receiving hit after hit could break anyone down. I'm just human.

Perhaps I'm already broken and that's why I'm in so much pain. I thought I had hope, I thought I knew my enemy, I thought I could do anything for love. Lately I thought I didn't need them. That I could survive on my own.

But not after today. I don't know anymore what I wanna do. I don't think I have much hope. Yes, there's no hope left for me to hold on to. They control my life and once I'm labelled as an insane one, they'll have my life in the palm of their hands.

I could always elope with Tatum. I thought I could do anything to be with him. But I don't even have any strength left. Can I really survive on my own? Because I know he won't be able to help me with my life here. And they won't leave me alone.

If I did decide to run away after this, without any surviving skills, I need to at least be able to get a proper job. But if I don't go to college, what job could I possibly get on my own? This thoughts came to me because of your questions and became the root of my fear.

And the worst is, I don't think I'll ever win against my own parents, much less the society.