Our World, and the universe between us

I didn't sleep well last night, thanks to your questions. It's not like I thought too much about them. It just irked me beyond my expectation. All of your questions did.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

I know it's the start of my morning time because of the knocking sound. Lacking sleep made me grumpy this morning. It's like my body is made of iron and the bed is a magnet. I don't want to get up.

After another knocks and a few minutes more, the door's opened. I smile immediately seeing it's not Elle.

"Sam!" I sit up on my bed.

"Come and get up, sleeping beauty," she teases me.

"I miss you so much," I hug her big body. I really miss her. I didn't realise how much I missed her until I feel warm inside her embrace. Her daughter is so lucky in many ways to have Sam as a mother.

"Oh dear, it's just a few days."

"But it felt like forever here," I pout my mouth and she laughs it off.

"So, is there something new? How's your session with Dr. Miller?"

My smile disappear as I remember your questions again. "Sam, what's normal for you?"

She tilts her head in surprise. "Where did that question come from?"

"It's nothing. I'll get ready in a moment," I walk into my bathroom and prepare myself quick.

I still haven't found any answer. Deep down, I know I will never lead a normal life if I stick with Tatum. It might be normal for me and everything will be fine for us, but it's not a normal life. It won't be normal. The thing is, I don't see it as something wrong. Even if it's not normal, it will be my new normal. I can still live with that.

The other question is trickier. I hate the fact that I need to think about something I don't even believe in. But if Tatum was only an illusion, what would I do?

To be honest, I don't know.

After trying to think about it, one question keep popping up. If I know he's an illusion, will I keep clinging onto him like this?

"Are you okay?" Sam asks as I exit the bathroom. "Your dark circles are getting worse."

She knows I couldn't sleep properly in this place. But last night was special. I didn't even think about this place and my anger for those who locked me here at all last night.

"I'm fine, Sam. And I can't wait to let you meet my new friend," I bend the conversation purposely.

"New friend? Here?" she smiles so big in question. She once suggested for me to make friend but I was too stubborn and caught up in my own mess.

I nod and take her outside my room. I pull her so we move faster than usual. She looks happy seeing me full of enthusiasm in the morning. If you saw me with Sam, you'll see how I love her and how she sincerely cares about my well beings.

If she's the one who said it's all for my sake, I'd probably consider it more. But it's them who said it and that's why I didn't, and I still don't give a damn. I can't trust them and I never did in the first place.

"Norah, good morning," I greet the girl sitting alone in the dining hall.

"Tina," she smiles looking at me. "I see you have your nurse back."

"Sam, it's Norah. Norah, Sam," I introduce them normally. This thing about normal is still bothering me.

"I see. Norah, it's really nice to meet you. I've seen you around but I never got the chance to know you before."

"Same here. I even hope to get a nurse like you," Norah says politely.

"Well then, I'll leave you two to talk. Tina, please eat a lot. You look too weak today," Sam reminds me then leave the both of us alone.

"What's wrong with you? Didn't you sleep?" Norah asks me after I got my foods.

"I had trouble sleeping. Dr. Miller told me to think about a few things yesterday. And it kept me awake."

"Do you wanna talk about it? Perhaps I can help you with that?"

I think for a while and you are almost at the same boat as mine, so what the hell. "Sure. Say, what do you think about normal? I mean, what's normal anyway?"

She'd been here before and go through all of this stuff. I can say she's my senior although I still hold on to my believe that me being here is injustice. Anyway, she's been through a lot more than me in life.

"Normal? That's the big question here, isn't it?" She shows all of her teeth smiling and I can't help but do the same.

"Right. I mean, who will define normal? Even if I live a little bit different than most people, if I'm fine with that, isn't that okay? What' so important about being normal?" most of my questions don't really need answer. I just want to whine like a little teenage girl I am.

Norah laughs at my sudden outburst. "You're right. We don't need to be normal. And we can define normal ourselves."

We laugh for a while until the big question swims around my mind again. What kind of life do I want? What normal life do I want? Do I even want to be normal?

"You know," she suddenly looks serious. "After people found out we spent time here, we'll never really be normal for them. I speak from experience. But for me, when I can talk like this and laugh. When I'm having fun with you like this. That's the normal I want," she forces a smile and that's the first sad smile I saw from the cheerful Norah. I almost forgot those scars on her wrist until I saw that trace of sadness in her eyes.

Her reaction makes me halt for a second. I'm not sure if talking about it will be good for her. But she grins again to convince me she's fine. That gets me wondering. All of her cheerfulness, could it be just a cover and an act? If so, what kind of a friend I am not to notice it.

"What is normal for you?" she keeps the conversation going.

"Hmm," I think again. I almost didn't get any sleep for finding the answer and if I must say, I fail miserably.

She stares at me, not saying a word, still waiting for my reply.

"It's just," I pause for a second, thinking about how to put my thoughts in a sentence. "I lived my life normally. If I must say, the only thing that makes my life not so normal is when I'm with Tatum. So if I stay with him, the rest of my life won't be normal." You nod showing that you understand me. "But I don't even know how to live with him. I can't picture it because I don't even know how we could possibly meet in the first place."

I sigh so hard so Norah just holds my hand reassuring me that everything will be fine. She really doesn't know what to say since I haven't told her much about Tatum besides he's an alien, I love him, and no one else sees him.

"I don't understand how this thing between me and him works. So how do you expect me to say how I will live the rest of my life with him. All I know is, if I'm with him, people will look at me differently. I can't interact with him in public freely. Unless I want to get sent here again," I finish my explanation with a dash of humour, thinking it will make everything better.

"Woah," her mouth hangs open. "You're really thinking about this a lot."

I just shrug on my seat.

"But, what do you wanna do? I can tell you love him, like a lot, right? But are you sure you wanna be with him?"

Her question reminds me of the other question you gave me. It doesn't necessary the same one, but it's similar in a way.

"Dr. Miller also asked me about that. But he also emphasised for me to think in situation where he's not real as well. Can you believe that?"

"Well, that's his job, girl. That's the reason you're here."

"So you also don't believe me?" I get sensitive about this subject.

She shakes both her hands and her head quickly. "Easy there. I'm not saying I don't believe you. Though I'm not saying I believe you as well," she talks honestly but I don't get mad at her. She doesn't know much about this so it will be a lie if she said she believes me out of nowhere.

But it still successfully gets me down. "You don't, don't you?" I sound pessimistic. You can't blame me though. After betrayal and betrayal, it's hard to find someone who won't do the same as the rest of them.

"Tina, I think I'm just like Sam here. It's not about we believe you or not. It's about us wanna believe you and just be there for you whatever happens. We want the best for you and let's face it. It probably would be the best if he's just as real as you believe him to be. But there's no proof either way, so," she tries to explain the best she could but I don't wanna hear it anymore.

"It's fine. I know you two care about me. At least you don't see me differently and outcast me without notice."

"Hey, I'm your friend so I just wanna be honest with you. If I said I believe you, I'd be lying. I'd be lying too if I said I don't believe you because I really don't know. I still hope he's real. I really do."

"Thanks, Norah."

I know she's telling the truth. I just feel it in my gut, not just because I wish there's someone who really cares.

Norah and Sam don't even get to hear much about Tatum but they know it best that I love that guy so much. In that fact, they really believe me and don't take my feeling lightly. And I know they will just be there for me, no matter what happen.

Just like I told you, my story is unbelievable. They'd be lying if they said they believe me. In this aspect, they probably are just like everyone else. Maybe just like you.

But there's one thing that single them out from the rest. They stick by me, not jumping to conclusion and outcast me. They still see me as me, Tina, not a lunatic on loose.

"So, what will you do if he's real? And what will you do if he isn't?" Norah continue asking.

"Before Dr. Miller asked me, I was so sure that I wanna be with him. I love him so much and that's what I wanna do. It's normal to be with the one you love."

"Perfectly normal. And what about now?" she responds.

"Yet, I don't know what to do. I do wanna be with him. But even first love might turn out to be just the wrong one. It's like asking me if he's the one I wanna get married. But isn't that too soon for me?"

She holds her giggles back so not to interrupt me. I send a glare to shut her up while she just pretends like she wasn't the one laughing.

"Honestly, if it's not because of this situation, I could probably have the best first love experience ever."

"Even if you're here, I still think you have the best first love experience ever."

That's my cue to laugh so hard. Norah is just so nice. She understands me. And when she doesn't, she at least tries to. She's just like Sam without the motherly vibe. If I might add, she's more of a prankster than Sam and that's why it's enjoyable to play with her.

And from her experience, she could relate to me more personally than Sam would.

— — —

You look more serious today yet you still smile warmly. Your eyes are telling me that you have plans and you will execute it. There's nothing I can do to stop you.

"So, Tina, have you thought about my questions?"

It's really starting to get uncomfortable for me. I talked about it with Norah earlier but I still haven't made up my mind. It's like my heart and my old fashioned brain clash with each other.

Your questions irritated me, that's I'm sure. But I still have a good feeling about you. If it's my uncle, I probably won't come back again. Your questions felt like they're born without malice. You just asked the common questions.

"I have," I finally answer and you smile.

"About the first question. Can you tell me how do you plan on living normally with him?"

I get a feeling that today's session will be the longest one for me.

"To be honest, I don't know. I did try to make a few options. I mean, he's my private life, it's no one else's business," I attempt to build an argument.

"So you will keep him a secret like before?" your eyebrow moves up to oppose my idea. Well, just look where do I end up with that option.

"I will just need to be more careful."

You sigh in disbelief. I know I'm just being stubborn but that's just a possibility. I could just move away and live with new people. People who don't know anything about this.

"What will you do about your family and friends? What's your plan to deceive them?"

I mock his question. "I don't need them. I don't care about their thoughts, at least, not anymore. So I will just find a new crowd and I'll be fine."

"Are you still upset about them locking you up here?"

I look away not answering. You know I'm still mad at them. It might be better if they come and visit. I'm not saying I'd love them to, but if they really care, they'd do it right away. It's like they just throw away a problem child and forget it. I hate feeling like I'm the problem and that's exactly what they made me feel.

"Fine, let's not talk about them anymore. Okay?"

No word is coming out of my mouth but my body isn't stiff anymore. You notice this changes and take it as a go sign, "You said you think of a lot of options. Did you also think of the possibility that he's not as real as you thought?"

So we will go inside that territory, won't we? It's not like I didn't expect this. It will come up sooner or later and today is just the day.

"I did."

"And?" you hope for something more.

"Even if that's the case, my feeling is real," I'm still being the stubborn bull and rest my case.

"I know your feeling's real. But what will you do if he's not real?"

You serious?! I don't even know what I will do when I know for sure he's real. What do you want me to say now?

Wait, I know what you want me to say but I won't say it. Not in a million years. Not ever.

"There won't be no difference!"

You're a professional so you still keep your composure. I give you a thumbs up for that but really, it's out of your league because I'm not even in your league. I'm not crazy.

"Even if that's the case."

"But you will keep him hidden?"

I automatically wanna answer but the reality just strikes me in the face. I really will hide him for the rest of my life, won't I? He will be my secret and no one else will know because I don't want to repeat this situation. Yet there's a part of me that feels lonely. I'm not sure wether he could fill it in.

"Y, yes," I still manage to answer.

"And from your story, I understand that you picked him over anyone else. It's crystal clear. So even in the future, you will abandon everyone to spend more time with him, is that right?" you keep cornering me once you notice my hesitancy.

"What about social event? Don't you need to socialise?" you shower me with more questions.

"Tatum will understand," I give you a short answer. I just wanna give an answer, anything, so it doesn't look like I'm losing.

"But everyone will see you as a single. For the rest of your life you can't introduce your boyfriend," you give me a response that I dislike immediately.

"So what?! I will have my love."

I'm still young. Almost 18 years old. I'm not thinking about marriage yet. But I still know about a spinster and I don't wanna be one. I just know I love him too much to leave without regret.

You clear your throat purposely. We both need to calm down a little. The session will still be going for a long time.

"But you won't marry him?"

"Why can't I? It will be just like eloping. Just me and him."

"And what about, you know, intimate action?" I know where you're going with that question so I stop you immediately, "Doc!"

"Fine, let's not talk about that for now. But don't you want to have children on your own? What will happen when you two have children?"

"I don't even know if that's possible so I can't really answer that. You can tell me a lot of possibilities about that but I haven't really thought about that. And don't you think I'm still too young to talk about such stuff?"

"Well, I'm just trying to let you picturing your future."

I roll my eyes and lay back. I let myself sink deeper into the couch. I don't understand why I need to go through all this interrogation right now, with someone who's not my parent and basically a stranger.

"Listen Doc, to be honest, just like you say, I can't be sure I will love him for the rest of my life. So why can't you and everyone else leave me alone and let nature takes its course."

I remember once I also got into a fit of denial. I tried to leave Tatum alone. I tried to deny my feelings. I did everything to forget him.

I've been telling you and everyone that I'm not crazy. I knew even then that Tatum and I together was just too complicated. My mind was telling me I shouldn't be with him. But heart just knows what it wants. And it's always the winner in the end.

I also remember a beautiful memories of me and my friends just talking. Girls' talk they called it. They love talking in any media to do it. We, mostly they, talked about anything from fashion to boys. We joked, teased, and eventually made silly plans.

Though I did abandoned this activity at some point, it's not like I abandoned them. I still helped them with school works. I asked about their weekend. We still had a decent conversation at school.

Perhaps that's what normal supposed to be and it feels like it's really a long time ago. Like it's just a dream.

———

After realising my own feeling, I stopped going to my basecamp. My secret place. Tatum's home. It was the first time I really felt like I was in love. I didn't even know what to do.

Though I wasn't an expert, I still knew a few things about love and relationship. Maybe it wouldn't happen like my plan. World and relationship were a complicated matter anyway. A lot of variables included. Unfortunately, my situation was more than complicated.

I was supposed to be a courageous person but I was being a coward. I ran away from him and from my feeling.

But, what else could I do? I couldn't talk about it to anyone. I couldn't even ask for advice online. There's just no way I could ask people's opinion in regards falling in love with an alien. They would say it's some kind of prank. Or worse, they would report me as a mad person.

At that time, I still hadn't verified the fact that only I could see him. That's just the conclusion we took after I failed to see his fiancee. Yes, one of the reason I was so in pain was because of her existence in Tatum's life.

There's just no way I stole another girl's man. I just wouldn't. That's just so wrong in many level. They weren't married yet but it's almost just the same. Or maybe not? Tatum didn't even know about love. He probably didn't love her.

So, I wondered if it's alright to stole someone when there's no love involved.

Then again, how could I make Tatum love me? I didn't know his type. And I didn't know how his fiancee looked like. What if she's much more beautiful? I just knew they possessed a higher standard of beauty there.

And I could still try a long distance relationship, but between dimension and galaxy was too far fetched. It's just impossible.

My conclusion was there's no way we could work. That's why I ran. I didn't want to fall further and having no chance of turning back.

This decision made my friends happy. I guessed they really did miss having me around. And I did miss them dearly. I loved hanging around them. They're just amazing and unique. We knew each other for as long as we could remember. Our parents came from the same cycle of friends so it's normal for us to get together.

"Hey, glad you finally join us," Sarah pulled me into a hug. "Let's play at my house today," she said full enthusiasm. Followed by everyone embracing me into a group hug.

I didn't care either way, I just needed to get Tatum out of my system. Perhaps my feeling was just an oversight. I'd been hanging around him too often.

"How's your project going?" Sarah whispered to me.

"It's postponed. My uncle's kinda busy nowadays." She nodded and kept it secret on her own.

"Where were you lately?" Marcy asked me out of the blue.

Guess Sarah did keep my lie as a secret. It was a lie to begin with so it's not like it's a real secret but it's better for me if no one's asking. And Sarah already did that a lot. I didn't want to lie more than I already did.

We just needed to wait for Sarah's driver to pick us up so I couldn't avoid the question and the staring.

"I just had something to do with my uncle," I lied smoothly like I'd been practicing.

"Ah, you two are really close, aren't you. I thought you get yourself a boyfriend behind our back," Joy's innocent comment made me choked myself.

"What are you talking about? She'd tell me first if she did find someone she loves, right?" Sarah asked for my support and I nodded.

"So you don't have a boyfriend?" Joy continued and I immediately suspected her. She's the most innocent of us and she's talking about boyfriend all of a sudden. There must be something going on.

"No. And why the question?"

She giggles and Marcy did as well. They both looked at each other so I stole glances over Sarah. She looked surprised when I stared at her but she just smiled and joined the rest of the gang.

"Seriously. What's going on?" I demanded an explanation. It's my fault I'd been left out of information since I wasn't around but I had a right to know.

"You just got a secret admirer," Marcy teased me.

"What? Me? Who?" I was so surprised because it never crossed my mind.

Joy laughed even harder if that's possible. She hadn't stopped laughing. "Brendan likes you, Tina," Marcy shrieked.

"Brendan? Brendan Duffey?" he's the only one I knew with the name Brendan and to my amusement, everyone nodded.

Brendan Duffey. He's like the top 5 boy girls wanna date in my school. He's the captain of the basketball team. He's a straight A's student. He's like in the top pyramid. He's the idol of this school so even I found him handsome at some point. Not as handsome as Tatum, and there goes my plan to stop thinking about the alien.

"So?" Marcy waited for my surprised excitement or something but I just didn't feel anything. That news, it's probably good for my friends and the gang to improve the social standing. But for me personally, all I wished to see and hear was the one and only Tatum. I didn't care about any other boys.

"I'm not interested in him. So what?" I asked her back.

"But he's everyone's dream boy. What's not to like?" Sarah asked me back.

Really, as long as I knew her, she's the type of person who cares so much about the appearance and social standing. She must be so excited to have a boy like Brendan to fall in love with one of our gang members. All of us would be more popular with Brendan as one of the boyfriend.

"I just don't. That's all." Sarah's driver arrived and I just walked inside to escape their craziness.

The road to Sarah's home was pure torture. Everyone's asking my reason not to accept Brendan. I only tried to listen as little as possible. I didn't even bother asking how they knew that. Tatum's face was just getting clearer in my head the longer they talked about my secret admirer.

With comparison to another guy, I couldn't deny any longer that I did fall for the alien. I didn't care about any boys before and all of a sudden I fell in love with an outer space being. That's just my life.

"I like someone else," I finally said something again once we got inside Sarah's bedroom. That sure silenced their babbling for a while before they bursted again.

"Who? Since when?" Joy and Marcy asked simultaneously. "Why didn't you say anything to me? You said you will tell me," that's Sarah getting upset.

"There's just someone," I shrugged it off but failed.

"Don't tell me you did get a boyfriend," Marcy took the lead to interrogate me. She's the sharpest among us.

I felt like I'd been caught red handed but I calmed down immediately. I didn't know I was that good of a liar before. "Of course not. It's just a celebrity crush. But for now, he's the only boy for me."

"Really? Who? I never heard you talk about any celebrity in general," Sarah tempted to cut through my lies.

"I just don't like to talk about it. It's childish and most importantly, it's personal!"

They were shocked by my response. I was always the good friend who listened well and never raised her voice.

"Tina?" Joy agitated.

"Sorry. I'm just, I just found out he's getting a girl. That's why I don't wanna talk about it anymore."

I wanted to talk about this and finally got a chance. If I made Tatum be the celebrity, I could talked about him with my friends and maybe I got a useful advice.

"Then just forget him and try going out with Brendan. Celebrity crush always ends tragically," Joy spoke up without thinking like usual. I almost snapped at her for saying my love for Tatum would end tragically. Well, she's not talking about Tatum but for me it was.

"I wonder how's that celebrity that got you head over heels," Marcy was interested. Among us, she's the best to go seek an advice. I wouldn't go so far as calling her wise but her advise was great. And as I mentioned before, she's sharp.

"If you don't want to tell us who he is, at least tell me how he is. So we can understand your ideal type. Perhaps Brendan is not that different," she continued.

Just one word and Brendan or the rest of the boys wouldn't stand a chance. Alien. But it's not likely I'd say it.

"He's beautiful, sarcastic sometimes," I smiled as I remembered Tatum. My plan in getting rid of him out of my head wouldn't work at all.

I just thought about Tatum and I couldn't see the rest of the world. I didn't even see that my friends started to doubt my taste in a boy.

"He's awkward. But deep down he's warm. His blue eyes are glowing so bright and I just can't look away. He looks cold and acts cold, yet if you get to know him, he's a really good person. He's cute."

"Wait, is he really a celebrity? Are you sure?" Sarah cut me.

I looked at them and realised I was deep in my thoughts. That's dangerous for me because he's a secret I couldn't tell anyone. I couldn't misspeak.

I nodded hurriedly. "He's not that famous. But he is considered one. I saw him by accident and became a fan." Oh my God, I was really getting better at lying.

"In a way, you like a bad boy, don't you?" Joy saved me by her simple conclusion.

Maybe Joy was right. There were a lot of girls who's attracted to bad boys. But in case of Tatum, he's beyond bad boy. There's something more about him that I couldn't explain. But sometimes love needed no explanation.

"Maybe."

"Then Brendan stands no chance. He's the epitome of a good boy," Marcy sighed. I couldn't believe she also wanted me to end up with Brendan.

"But," I tried to fish for an advice I could actually use. "If, I mean if there's a possibility, even the slightest, that I could just meet him and get to know him, do you think I should go or not? I mean, he's got a girlfriend already."

They stared at me like I was some extinct animal in display. It got me really uncomfortable.

"You're really in love, huh?" Sarah spoke first. I just needed to show my blushing cheeks to answer that.

"Just go for it," Joy motivated me. "There's no mistake in trying. Besides, as you said, there's just a slight of chance," and depleted it in a flash.

"I won't suggest you to wreck someone's relationship. But if you could get to know him, you should. You could end up as friend and you won't have any regret."

I knew I should just go to Marcy for advice. I wanted to talk to her more about this but not with everyone around.

"I know. It's just a what if question," I played it cool.