Our World, and the universe between us

After I opened up yesterday, I felt a little bit relieve. I never talked much to anyone about Tatum. I couldn't even say much about him to my uncle. I thought no one want to hear my story and just conclude on their own. So I'm glad you listened well yesterday. Although it's too bad we ended in a bad terms.

You excused yourself to answer a phone call. So I wait like a good girl on my couch with Love Song playing on my iPod. I don't want to eavesdrop since I respect you and your privacy. I'm that nice of a girl, not that I wanna brag about it on your face.

"Sorry about that," you tell me you're done with your phone so I stop the music and focus on our session. I'm starting to like you. I know it's supposed to be my treatment, but being able to talk about Tatum freely is another miracle for me. I thought he'd always remain as a secret.

"It's fine. So, what do you want to talk about today?"

You sit down and smile warmly to me. You smile more and more each day. It put me at ease.

"You said you will show him this world."

I clap my hand. I get excited again once I think about Tatum. "That's right. Well, he can't see my phone or anything I'm holding. But I thought, if I could see his wristband, he'd see a watch on my wrist, right?"

"Ah," your eyes widen in realisation.

"I bought an apple watch," I smirk satisfied with my cleverness.

"You really bought it just to show him around?"

"It's not much. You know my family."

"What about your family?"

"Don't act dumb. I know the director would inform you about my family."

"I just heard a little," you answer honestly so I don't put my guard up anymore. You do know trust can be broken easier than gained.

"Let's just say they over provide me. When I wanna buy something, trust me I will and I can."

"Are you a shopaholic then?"

I bite my lower lip to calm me down and just sigh. "No, I'm not. I don't know about the way they raised me, but I turn out pretty okay. So a little gadget won't hurt anyone. And it's not like I use it completely for Tatum. It's useful for me as well."

"Take it easy. I was just…"

"Forget it. You're just doing your job. I know," I don't care if you say I run away from problem. Really though, it's hard to have a good mood here and I don't want to blow mine over anyone after I got mine.

"Tina, why don't we continue where we left out."

I take a deep breath and look up at the ceiling. Being in your office is really peaceful. That probably shows how much I relax around you. It's not like I'm against you and your way that I'd force myself to hate you. I'm not that narrow minded and I do wish you're not either.

"Tatum wanted to move around if he could see this world. At least he'd know the surrounding around me so he'd feel relax. So that day we just talked at his home for the rest of the day."

"And when did you buy the watch?"

"I promised Tatum I'd buy it the next day. It's Sunday so I could buy it as soon as the store opened. Besides, I want to see his world again. It's so beautiful. He said the Quartian loves nature and beauty. That they design their world themselves. That's why when I saw their forest, it's chaos, and yet it's not that chaos. Do you get me?"

"Honestly, I don't."

"Hmm, how should I put it," I don't think I can put it in a word perfectly. "When they arrived on Planet Quart, there's not much going on. So they made the forest themselves. They planned it, their city landscape and everything else, from scratch. That's why it looked like chaos, but you could spot human's pattern there. It's so beautiful and peaceful."

— — —

It was past noon when I arrived at Tatum's house. As promise, he waited me there in his living room so he could see me as soon as I appeared.

"Hey," he greeted me first and with a smile like I never saw before.

We'd been getting closer since yesterday. He's a bit weird but he's an alien for God's sake. And he's really a good person. I needed to work hard to understand him but it's worth it. He's nothing like my friends and probably that's what attracted me in the first place. It's not about his identity but I was talking about his character.

His appearance, his beauty, could rank him at the top of the food chain in this world. But he said Quartian's beautiful because they're born from the best DNA combination. So it's nothing extraordinary.

But he's considered weird, even there. He's among a few who enjoy the beauty of ancient stuff while everyone there was focus on their future instead. His interests were different from the rest.

I show off the new apple watch on my wrist and he looked confused. "What are you doing?"

"Can't you notice something different?" I played my wrist in front of him but then a sudden thought rushed in. Perhaps he couldn't see it and I just wasted my money.

"Ah, what's is that?" I breathed in relieve.

"This is the thing that will let you see my world."

His face glowed in an instant. We're both so excited to explore our worlds.

It's a new gadget for me but I saw my friends using it before so it's not that hard. I connected my phone with my watch but a phone call interrupted my struggle. It's from Sarah.

"Tatum, I need to answer a phone call first."

"Okay."

I pushed the green button and said, "Hi, Sarah. What's up?"

"Hi. Where are you?" she asked cheerfully.

"I'm outside. Why?"

"Come on, girl. It's been ages since we go out. Wanna meet up later?"

I felt bad for Sarah. She's right. Since I met Tatum, I practically ditched her everyday. We only met during classes and lunch.

"What about in the evening?" I suggested.

"That's great. I miss you so much. By the way, what were you doing lately?" she started to interrogate me.

"I, mmm, there's this project I need to deal with," there's still truth in my lies.

"What project?"

"It's," I tried to come up with more lies. "It's my project with Uncle Gary."

Sarah was also close with my uncle. She knew how close we were so she bought the lies.

"I see. I don't want to bother then. But don't forget our plan in Summer, okay."

Damn. I forgot we had that plan. "Let's talk later," I needed to hang up fast and thought about another excuse.

We had this plan on going overseas for summer holiday. We planned it since last summer and Europe was our destination. I might not be the best of friend, but between Europe and another planet, it's easy to make decision. I just needed to find excuses.

"Who was it?" Tatum asked me once he's certain I was done with the call.

"My friend, Sarah. She's asking me to hang out later."

"Friend?"

"Yes, friend. Don't you have one?" I just remembered that I never saw him talking with anyone other than his parents and fiancee.

"What is that?"

I opened my mouth and closed it again. He couldn't be serious.

"You don't know what friend is?!" At that he shook his head.

"How should I explain this," I scratched my head furiously. "Let's sit first," I walked towards the porch and took a seat. He took something which I believed a chair with him. He sat beside me.

"Friend is someone really close with you. Someone you can share everything. Someone you trust and can lean on. Someone who's always be there for us. Someone who we can laugh and cry with. Enjoy each other's company. Someone you understand and understand you. And we can always be who we are with them," I tried to explain with mixing quotes I remembered about friendship. But after I said it, I wondered if I did have a true friend.

He thought about everything I said seriously. "I don't think I have someone with all of those categories, but…" he said after a while. He just stated it as it was but somehow that own sentence was sad.

"Don't you have anyone close with you?"

"Well, if you put it that way, I'm close with everyone. We help each other with our works. But I feel like there's something missing for them to be called a friend. It's just that we know what we need to do. We appreciate each other. We don't have problem with each other. But I'm not sure I can call them a friend."

"Well, I think, you can call them your friends. I mean, there are a lot of kinds of friends. Not everyone is lucky enough to find friends for life that will stand by you no matter what."

"Then, are we also friends?" he asked innocently.

I nodded with full power. "Of course," I answered with not much thought.

He smiled and I began to smile. Friends did smile together.

But if he didn't even know about friendship, I wondered if he knew about love. He had fiancee and about to get married, but from his attitude whenever I asked about his fiancee, I doubted he loved that girl.

"Say, Tatum. Can I ask you a question?" I asked hesitantly.

"Sure," he's still all smile. He did smile a lot today.

"Do you know about love then?"

I saw his eyebrows knotted in confusion. I got my answer already and I didn't know why but I felt a bit relieve in thinking he didn't love his fiancee.

"What is that?"

At his answer, I just couldn't help a big grin forming on my face. "Just what is wrong with your world?" I tried to sound as playful as I could to explain the grin.

"There's nothing wrong with my world," he defended himself.

"Of course there is. Friendship is the second best thing in the world while love is the first. And your world doesn't know neither of them."

He pouted thinking to himself while I smiled gloriously.

"So, what exactly is love? And let me be the judge on your words." he argued like a lost child.

I cleared my throat since I knew I would be giving a long explanation of the beauty of love. The greatness of love. I felt like I needed to win this case and made him realised the importance of love.

"Well, first of all, love is a feeling for someone special. There are a lot of kinds of love. Love to your parents, your friends, and eventually your true love. I'm going to talk about true love here. It's when two people find each other and realise they belong to each other. When they accept each other."

"Wait," he stopped my explanation. "Then, how does it differ from a friend?"

"Don't stop me. I'm just starting here," I got my upper hand back. "And, there's also a saying that love is a friendship set on fire. So they do have a lot of similarities. But love is something more. Love is the strongest feeling. You can have strength like you never knew when you love someone. You can do everything for your love. You'll protect each other.

"You'll give each other strength. You'll give each other warmth. Just being together is enough that you don't care about anything else. You want to be with each other because being separated is painful. But you'll set each other free because what's important is the other's happiness."

"That sounds complicated," he reacted to my explanation which obviously gained my strongest glare. I did tell him not to interrupt me.

"Well, when it's true love, it's not one sided. Both of them will feel the same. That's why they won't be afraid to let each other go because they know they belong together. No matter what stand in front of them. No matter how far they are. Their love will conquer all. They'll walk side by side and love each other until death separates them. For the rest of their life, they will faithfully love only one person."

"What's so special about it? After marriage, we also will be faithful for that person for the rest of our life."

I got upset as I knew he's talking about his upcoming marriage. "It's different. You can get married without love. Even here, not everyone marry for the sake of love. But without knowing love at all, you won't know what happiness truly is."

He seemed like he wanted to argue but I wouldn't let him. "I know people can be happy about a lot of things. But love is special. The quality of your life when you have love in it will be much higher."

"Fine. Let's say I believe you. You know all of this because? Have you experienced it yourself? Do you have proof?"

His questions silenced me. I didn't have any proof nor experience. I didn't know anyone with true love around here. It's just something I read or watched.

"I may not experience it yet. But I believe it exist. And I believe I will be the happiest when I find my true love."

"You're just being naive, aren't you?"

Suddenly I could feel my tears forming in the corner of my eyes. "Maybe I am. But that's my only wish to have a true love in this short life. I will find it!"

He covered his face with his palm and sighed. His palm turned into a fist in front of his mouth and he stares at me. My tears escaped my eyes a few times but I wept it away just as fast.

"I'm not saying they don't exist. If you want to believe it, you can. From what you said, love is indeed beautiful. Lucky for those who found it. But, what I mean is, love is not everything in life. You can be happy and have a beautiful life even without true love. People here are happy even though we don't know anything about love. Or maybe it will just come naturally after marriage."

"What are you saying exactly?" I wept my tears away. I felt embarrassed for crying in front of others. I didn't know why I started crying in the first place. It's a normal conversation.

"Just enjoy your life. There are a lot of beautiful things in life."

"I know that! It's not like I'm wasting all my life searching for true love. I just believe that I will find it. And I will know it when I find him."

You smiled and so far, it's the warmest. "Good luck then. In my world, we don't need love. We never need one before. So I will give all of my luck on finding true love to you."

My tears stopped. But I still felt like I was choked. My cheeks is getting hotter and I could swear that my heart just skipped a few beats before rising through the roof.

I was glad he didn't see my look because I couldn't handle another embarrassing moment. When I calmed down, I noticed that he looked up. It's like he saw something interesting far away up there.

"But, Tina…" his eyes still wandered.

"Hmm?" I got my attention back.

"How do you know? I mean, how do you know when you find it? How can you be so sure?"

I looked up mirroring his action. "Frankly? I don't know. People say you will just know it. Some say that your heart will skip a bit. It will beat faster," realising what I just said made me stuttering.

"And?" he looked at me waiting for something more.

I cleared my throat and gained my composure back. I needed to focus on answering Tatum and I could always think about myself later that night.

"Well, it's like everything is going in slow motion. And then the world will be more beautiful. But you'll just know. Anyway, love is also trial and error. Because there's no correct answer so it's difficult to know if what you're feeling is true. You just need to go through it so you won't have regret."

"It's too complicated. It's too uncertain. What's knowing when you find it? That's absurd."

I laughed at his tone. He sounded like a kid throwing tantrum.

"If it's too complicated, how about I teach you with a song?"

"A song?"

I rolled my eyes listening to him. "It's easier to make you listen to it than explain it. Hmm, there are a lot of songs about love in my world. But since you can only hear my voice, I guess I will sing one for you."

"I know what song is," he sounded upset with my understatement.

"You know? Then why did you ask?"

"We also have music here. It's for relaxing. That's why I wondered how you will teach me all about love with it. But now I know that your songs there are about love."

I wanted to laugh at his conclusion but I held back. It's not wrong so I wouldn't correct him. I opened my phone and searched for a love song. I like listening to love songs but if I needed to pick one to teach someone about love, I didn't know which one was the best.

"So?" he seemed impatient.

I ignored him but soon enough I found the perfect song. It's simple and enough to teach him about love. It's one of my favourite as well.

"Wait a minute. I need to prepare my vocal." I coughed a few times to warm up my vocal cords. I just stopped crying a few minutes ago.

I stood up and faced him. He was surprised by my sudden action but I didn't care. I clicked play in my phone and the melody started to play, not that he could hear it. But I would be more confident if I just sang along than singing by myself.

The intro started playing and I was kinda move along with the music.

"Whenever I'm alone with you," I stared at his striking blue eyes demanding his full attention.

"You make me feel like I am home again.

Whenever I'm alone with you,

You make me feel like I am whole again."

Our gaze never left each other. I wanted to see his response but I was sinking deeper in his eyes. It took everything in me to focus and continued singing.

"Whenever I'm alone with you,

You make me feel like I am young again.

Whenever I'm alone with you,

You make me feel like I am fun again."

He smiled and I felt a sudden rush all over me. I wanted him to see me that way all the time. I wanted him to see me and me only. But it's just impossible.

"However far away,

I will always love you."

It's like I was singing the song to him. That I was saying it to him for real. But I mentally shook my head again and again. There's just no way.

"However long I stay,

I will always love you."

His gaze was so warm but I felt a chill through my spine. I remembered everything from the day I met him. All those happy, annoying, and magical time between us played in my mind.

"Whatever words I say,"

I will always love you.

I will always love you."

After the refrain, I just knew I picked a wrong song for me. It made me thinking of nonsenses. I couldn't fall in love with Tatum. He's an alien and lived far away. Most importantly, he had a fiancee and my blood boiled at that thought. I was jealous and that's as good as a definitive proof.

"Whenever I'm alone with you,

You make me feel like I am free again.

Whenever I'm alone with you,

You make me feel like I am clean again."

I unconsciously started to sing to him. If it was really love, I wanted him to notice. I wanted him to know my feeling though I was still unsure. Could I touch his heart with this song?

"However far away,

I will always love you.

However long I stay,

I will always love you.

Whatever words I say,

I will always love you.

I will always love you."

Every words, I sang it sincerely. I meant each of them. And for some reasons, I could relate our situation with the song I picked.

"However far away,

I will always love you.

However long I stay,

I will always love you.

Whatever words I say,

I will always love you.

I will always love you."

I felt like crying after the realisation sank in. It was my first love. Although there's more possibility that he's not my true love. That it's just a puppy love. It's still the first love in my life.

He clapped his hands. I wasn't sure wether he just appreciated me or liked my singing. Either way, he stood up and walked closer. I froze like a fool with a loud beating in my chest.

"That's wonderful. It's much more simpler than your explanation but I think I get the picture. I really hope you can find it soon."

He had no malice. Even his tone was fine. But for me, it's like he's hinting that he wouldn't be that person. That I'd find someone else. It got me upset beyond reason. I wanted to tell him but no words came out. I wasn't brave enough to confess just after a sudden realisation.

"I- I'll leave now. I have an appointment. See you."

I ran as fast as I could so I wouldn't hear him stopping me. I ran and ran until he's out of sight and the tears started to roll down. I found my first love but it came with my first heartbreak.

Though I told him I had an appointment, which I did with Sarah, I didn't feel like going anymore. I didn't want to meet anyone right now. I needed time to think about this thoroughly. Because I knew I needed to decide wether I'd see Tatum again or not for a while. And honestly, I didn't feel like I could.

But not seeing him was also something I couldn't do. It wasn't that long since I saw him and I already wanted to see him. I wanted to spend every moment with him. I wanted to know more about him and that's killing me because I knew he'd get married soon.

At this thought I really wished I could at least take a picture of him so I could see him all I wanted.

— — —

I laugh remembering my first heartbreak. I acted like a fool and a coward back then.

You turn a page on your note and continue writing. I'm not sure what exactly you're writing everyday. Could it be my story? Or your opinion? Or is it your plan for my treatment?

We are already more than halfway of the session so I don't think I can continue my story. Plus, you're still writing and I don't want to bother you. I'm also a little bit tired.

"So, you realised you fell in love with him?" you ask and I just nod my head. "And what do you love about him? Is it because he's different?"

"Maybe. He's awkward with expressing himself. He's full of surprises as well. But you know what? I can always be myself and feel safe whenever I'm with him. Maybe it's because he's unexpected that he could go past through my walls easily."

"Don't you feel like being yourself with anyone else? With your friends, for example."

"Not really. You see, there's this image I needed to maintain. Well, not necessarily maintain it, but, it just became who I am. Who I was."

"And you can be yourself around Tatum because?"

It's time you do your job. Perhaps, because you're trustworthy, I feel easy talking to you. You're just different from the rest of them. "Because he didn't know me before. And he could pull a side of me that I never knew I had. And he is a good listener. He's curious about everything. That's why, unconsciously, I just be myself."

"Don't you ever think he act that way because he's an alien? He's just interested in you and this world so he listened. And his way of life is different from us."

Of course I did. A lot of times in fact. "I did." I look straight at your brown mesmerising eyes and smile. "But I don't care. I was lucky I could get to know him that way. He's warm in his own way. He has a beautiful heart. He's smart. He's somewhat funny. So what's not to like. And besides, I love him and that's the most important thing."

"But, have you thought about your future? How long will you meet him in secret?"

"He's not a secret anymore, is he?" I say instinctively but you continue onwards.

"How will you two be together when he's alien, lives so far away, and no one else can see him?"

"We'll manage," I answer instantly but you just won't buy it.

"How? You will live in seclusion? Is that your future? Don't you have a dream of your own about your life? Your career?"

I can't answer you this time. I never really thought about it before. I have a dream, I do. But it could change. I'm at that phase.

"From your story, you even abandoned your friends and your plan. Will you just abandoned everything so you can be with him?"

You take a deep breath and continue playing your cards. That's right, you have the upper hand right now so it will be stupid not to play to your satisfaction. I'm full of weaknesses today so you won't miss it for the world.

"Living in seclusion. Just the two of you. With no connection with the world. Is that what you want? You don't care about your career. You don't care about your family or friends. What kind of life is that?"

"What's wrong with it?! I don't need my family. I never did. And friends? Did I ever have one to begin with?" I'm not upset with you personally but I can't help my voice getting higher. I need to defend myself and it's painful to talk about them.

"Fine. You don't need anyone? Fine. But what about children? Don't you want one? Can you have one with him? How could you be sure he's your last love? What if he doesn't want to live in seclusion with you? And what if he just disappear one day?"

"That's why!" I scream my heart out. Only your last sentence left an impact. I know I start to cry and it's hard to speak, but I need to get it our of my chest. "Me and Tatum, both of us know this connection we have could stop any moment. It's out of our control. And we might don't even get to say goodbye. So that's why. That's why I want to be with him as much as I could. That's the only thing I can think about right now."

You stop asking question and just watch me cry. You know what I meant and pity me. But it's a different kind of pity that the others give me. You pity me not because you thought I'm crazy, in this case I don't know your judgement yet. You pity me because of what I need to face and you know how sad I will be when the time comes.

"Tina," you say my name as warmly as possible. "You may love him right now. But if you think in the long run, don't you think it's better to forget him and just live normally?"

"And what is normal? Just because there's no example, you say it won't be normal living with him?"

"Let's face it. You won't live normally if you stay with him."

"Who will be the judge of that? You?! My family?! My friends?!" I throw daggers from my eyes.

"You judge it. Do you think it will be normal?" your response to my anger surprises me.

Even if I'm the judge, I don't think it will be normal. I was raised and taught what normal is and it'll be far from what I know. Still, won't it just be my new normal? It could be normal for me, couldn't it?

You see me thinking hard and seem satisfied for now. "You can think about it later. But I want you to think of another alternatives."

"What do you mean?" I want to know what else are you talking about.

"I know you believe he's real, wait, let me finish," you stop me from cutting in with your hand gesture. "But there are also a lot of other explanations. You said it's an old house. Perhaps there's a substance there that made you hallucinated."

"No," I don't want to hear about this again. Not you too, Dr. Miller.

"Tina, just hear me out. As I said before, I'm not saying he's not real. At least, I can't decide about it yet. But you should try to be open minded. I'm willing to think in the possibility that he's real. And I'm asking you to do the same. You've been thinking of the possibility that he's real. So I want you to think about it in the mindset if he's not real as well. What will you do about it and wether you'll take the same decision? Will you still hold on to him if he's just a part of your imagination?"

"I'm," I stop myself. I don't want to think about it. But I know you are open to the possibility that he's real. That I'm not crazy. And that's why I appreciate what you do for me. Though I hate it with all of my guts, I will give your questions some thoughts.

Besides, I'm curious. What will you do after I think about it. I will think about it but trust me, I'll always know he's real. That one fact won't change.

"Please also think about your future. Are you confident living together with him for the rest of your life? Even if you think he's real, the fact is, he's not real in this world. There's really nothing he could do for you here. You will need to work for your life. He can't help you. And please think about his life as well. He belongs in his world, not here."

This thing you're saying strike a cord in my heart. It's true and logical. I can't just disagree and throw a fit at that.