Pain Fetish

At that moment, the flow of air in the ward suddenly became very slow.

Fu Ge’s soft sobbing was suppressed and sad, like the meowing of a newborn kitten, the sound that couldn’t be any smaller. It was obviously just some tears, but it hurt to the bone.

Qi Han had never seen any person to be so sad. Or perhaps it was just because this person was Fu Ge, so Qi Han couldn’t stand even a few tears from him.

It was as if his heart turned into a sticky piece of clay, easily squeezed by the hand of his little Beta who could shape his emotions into whatever he wanted.

If two more tears rolled down, Qi Han’s whole heart would shrink into a chunk of oyster meat.

Whether Fu Ge was true or fake, he couldn’t see Fu Ge so sad.

He squatted down in front of him, cupped Fu Ge’s cheeks with his warm palms and gently wiped away the tears from the corners of his eyes.

“Don’t cry, I won’t ask anymore, okay? Whether you are real or fake, don’t cry anymore.”

As soon as these words were said, Fu Ge cried even more violently, as if his heart was being pulled out. His tears flowed as if a dam was broken, smashing Qi Han’s heart into pieces.

The Alpha, anxious and helpless, could only open his arms, “Let me hug?”

Fu Ge pressed his face to Qi Han’s palm and rubbed against it, saying in a nasal voice: “Okay…”

So they pounced on each other; Qi Han held Fu Ge’s buttocks and cradled him in his arms, their movements as practised as they had been five years ago.

The little Beta’s calves hung from Qi Han’s arms, and his slender porcelain-like ankles were exposed from under the hem of his hospital gown. There was a white khata bracelet tied to his ankle, and a small silver prayer wheel slowly swayed with his movements.

“Hold tighter.” Fu Ge whispered.

Qi Han smiled, tightened his arms and kissed the skin behind his ear, saying to him softly: “Clingy baby.”

The little Beta didn’t care how embarrassing it was to be in tears like this; all he wanted to do now was to hold Qi Han as tightly as possible and be held as tightly as possible. Their breath mingled and their hearts were beating in sync, as if this was the only way to confirm that they both were real.

Two people who had long lost their desire to live became each other’s only vital force. After five years of wasted time, they had really reunited this time.

“Can you tell the difference between illusion and reality now?”

Fu Ge’s arms were tightly wrapped around Qi Han’s neck, his red eyes moist as he slowly pressed his face to Qi Han’s, “Am I real or fake?”

“Real.” Qi Han said, “The fake one didn’t hug me.”

The illusion would only bully him, torture him, humiliate him… There was no way it would feel a shred of heartache for him and hug him so gently to comfort him.

But Fu Ge, who had experienced it personally, knew that every time he conjured up a hallucination, it was a reflection of his real experience; and in Qi Han’s memory, his own self not long ago was this eerie and ghastly.

Trickles of tears slid out of the corners of his eyes and wetted Qi Han’s face. Fu Ge asked him, “That illusion, what did it do to you…”

Qi Han’s lips stiffened, as if it hurt when he thought about it. He adjusted his breathing to complete the sentence: “He… wiped off my bear…”

“The rose gege gave me and the seal he carved for me, he stepped on it and broke it. It was my stuff… the reward you gave me…”

He only mentioned these two things, but Fu Ge thought of Room 404 full of relics at Shengde Hospital.

Because he had smashed his ring, cut his khata and burned his relics, and the damage caused by those things was too great and painful, Qi Han subconsciously feared everything Fu Ge gave him.

While he was pleasantly surprised by the romantic gestures and gifts, he was worried whether the surprise would be taken away again.

This kind of contradictory mentality would last for a long time, and even many years later, receiving a gift from Fu Ge, he would still imagine an unpredictable Fu Ge, smashing all the things he had just given.

Happiness is always impure, and Qi Han might never be able to have happiness without worry again.

“Shall I teach you to distinguish between illusion and reality?” Fu Ge said.

Qi Han was a little dazed: “How to distinguish?”

“It’s very simple. If I do anything to hurt you again, just open your arms and hug me.”

He smiled, “The illusion will dissipate as soon as you touch it, but the real Fu Ge will always catch you.”

Qi Han looked at him in a daze for two seconds, and his heart suddenly ached to the point of numbness, “When gege saw me in hallucinations back then, did he… also use this method?”

The smile on the little Beta’s face froze, “Yeah… but you never… caught me.”

In the five years of excruciating pain, he had repeatedly begged Qi Han for help, and repeatedly failed to get it, struggling to find a bloody path out of his misery and despair.

This was how Fu Ge broke out of the world of illusions by himself back then.

So when Qi Han’s consciousness was confused, Fu Ge would rather use a knife to cut his own arm to help him, because he knew how painful it was to come out on his own.

“From now on, I will always catch gege.” Qi Han hugged him so hard as if he wanted to integrate him into his flesh and blood, promising in a hoarse voice: “My Little Song won’t suffer a trace of pain for the rest of his life.”

Fu Ge laughed, his hot, wet face pressed to Qi Han’s neck, as he said, “I remember my dad always held me like this when I was a kid.”

“I will hold you like this in the future. Whether it is family or love, my baby will have it, and get it all from me.” Qi Han walked around the room holding Fu Ge’s buttocks, tossing him gently a little as if coaxing a child to sleep.

“Okay, then you wait for me a little longer, and when I get out of the hospital and get better, I will also hold you like this.”

I can also protect my family.

Qi Han smiled when he heard his words, “Is gege going to hold me like this?”

He was 1.92 metres tall and Fu Ge was 1.85. Qi Han was also a lot more solidly built than the little Beta. When Qi Han was in good health, he could hold Fu Ge with one hand for two hours without rest or a wall to support him.

“Talking big. I’m going to crush you.”

Fu Ge let out a long “oh”, tilted his head and leaned over to kiss Qi Han’s Adam’s apple, one kiss at a time, fast and light, extremely titillating but not quenching the thirst. “How many times have you crushed me?” he asked.

This was the most straightforward and naked way to flirt for him, clumsy and cute. Qi Han knew he was trying to comfort him. The Alpha bowed his head, rubbed against the tip of his nose, and said softly, “Let’s go to bed, shall we?”

“Are you tired?” The little Beta became nervous: “Does your arm hurt?”

“No, it doesn’t hurt.”

Fu Ge was relieved, “Then won’t go, I haven’t hugged enough.”

Qi Han chuckled; the laughter was very muffled, and the tiny tremor in his chest reached Fu Ge’s heart through their rib cages pressed together, “But I can’t wait.”

“Hmm?” Fu Ge raised his head, “Wait for what—”

Before he finished speaking, he was kissed on the lips. After the kiss, Qi Han begged: “I finally woke up after five days in a coma. I was frightened by the hallucination just now. Be good and give me some kisses, okay?”

Placed on the hospital bed, Fu Ge pressed against his chest, his voice clingy and husky: “Lighten up, lighten up, the doctor said it’s not a good time to mess around…”

Qi Han responded perfunctorily, touching his lips with his fingers, “Are you thirsty? Do you want me to feed you some water first?”

“Don’t.” Fu Ge looked at him with misty eyes, sullen and shy: “Every time I end up… being full…”

Qi Han suppressed a laugh, then looked at his watch, “It’s two o’clock, gege, are you doing anything later? Do you want to go and accompany Xiao Jue?”

Fu Ge shook his head, “It’s okay, Ah Jue is going to take a nap.”

“Good baby…” His kiss landed on Fu Ge’s soft lips. Nibbling on his lips, the Alpha said, “I won’t let you go until five o’clock.”

“Hey— wait, wait! You still have something to do,” Fu Ge turned his head, trying to avoid him in vain, “Four o’clock! A doctor will come to change your medicine at four o’clock.”

“Ah, so.” Qi Han touched his earlobe with one hand, stroked the sensitive skin behind his ear and said, holding out a mobile phone to him: “Give him a call and tell him to come after five.”

“No way! You can’t delay the change of medicine, your injury, um—”

A certain touch made the little Beta groan and shudder. Qi Han had already unbuttoned the top button of his hospital gown and kissed him eagerly.

“If you don’t call, let him wait outside. I can’t delay.”

He was still the same as before. Most of the time he didn’t like to demonstrate his sadness, but would hug Fu Ge for a long time in a shameless way. Neither of them mentioned the illusion just now, and Qi Han didn’t want Fu Ge to see his vulnerability; but the emotion and longing that came from finally being back together was like a vigorously shaken Coke that spilled out of his chest with a poof.

Confessions, introspection and reassurance could be left for later. What the scarred lovers needed most now was a happy union of flesh.

It was best to toss your body and heart until it hurt.

“Still sensitive here.”

Qi Han slowly pecked and kissed the back of Fu Ge’s ear, and his breath spraying on Fu Ge’s shoulder was wet and hot.

He cupped Fu Ge’s chin with one hand and held it up, forcing him to raise his head to reveal more skin on the side of his neck, and put his other hand on the back of Fu Ge’s head, rubbing his hair one way and the other as the little Beta shuddered in impatience.

Like the worst cat teasing technique, Qi Han teased and soothed him at the same time.

“Don’t keep… biting one place, it will swell…” Fu Ge closed his eyes convulsively. His mouth was saying “no”, but he still shivered and hugged Qi Han’s neck, his flushed cheeks covered with fine sweat: “Below, below, go there…”

Qi Han stared at him deeply, raised his hand and tore open his shirt, lowered his head and bit his clavicle fiercely.

“Does the wound still hurt?”

Fu Ge put his arms around his neck and shook his head, his gentle fingers threading through Qi Han’s soft hair. Every part of him that was kissed was trembling, “It doesn’t hurt, it doesn’t matter if it hurts…”

“You…” Qi Han, stimulated to the extreme, bit him fiercely, then suddenly went up and grabbed the hair on the back of his head, using some strength to force him to raise his head, while carefully paying attention to Fu Ge’s expression.

Sure enough, he saw pleasure on the sweaty face.

“Enjoying this?” Qi Han pressed his lips to Fu Ge’s, his eyes full of desire to conquer, as black as ink, and suddenly he lunged forward, making the bed slam into the wall.

“Ah ah—”

Fu Ge bit his lower lip and trembled frantically, his confused mind blank, and he could only lift his sweating hands to block his mouth.

But Qi Han said, “Not allowed.”

The little Beta blinked in confusion, and a tear rolled out of his amber eye. He was inexplicably aggrieved. All his body, tinged with pink, curled up as he begged like a little bird: “Ah Han, the soundproofing here is not good…”

Qi Han showed a nasty smile on his face, and the outlines of the muscles of his arms that tightly hugged Fu Ge became more and more obvious as he pressed him down.

He was clearly playing a rascal, but his eyes were wet: “Gege, I want to hear… just one sentence, you have not… indulged me like this for many, many years…”

Fu Ge’s eyes reddened suddenly. He obediently put down the hand covering his mouth and whispered, “Then I’ll scream a little… quieter.”

Even after being separated for so long, they still knew each other’s preferences and habits like the back of their hands.

For example, Fu Ge still remembered that the eighteen-year-old Qi Han’s desire was incredibly strong. All his beastly nature of Alpha revealed itself in intimate behaviour, both fascinating and distressing Fu Ge. Every Qi Han’s kiss lasted for a long time, and he especially liked to bite the little Beta’s lips and tease them with his tongue.

The entanglement of lips and teeth was so intense that Fu Ge couldn’t breathe, and he didn’t have time to swallow all the things that were passed into his mouth. Beta couldn’t smell the pheromones, but could feel them, and Alpha’s pheromones were present everywhere in Alpha’s body, so this was one of the main ways Fu Ge received Qi Han’s pheromones when they were together.

The other way was to toss Fu Ge miserably after each of their long foreplay sessions.

The eighteen-year-old Qi Han had a lot of tricks and his needs were big. He had hundreds of naughty ideas on how to toy with Fu Ge. Every weekend when he didn’t need to go out, the little Beta’s whole body was as if washed with a softener, but still dirty as hell.

“Don’t go too far… ugh—” Fu Ge closed his eyes tightly and bit his lips impatiently, beyond himself just from the touch of one hand. “I’m going out to meet people tonight…” 

Qi Han’s hand tightened a little as he bit the tip of his ear: “Meet who?”

“Qi Chuan.”

The hand that had just been withdrawn returned, “Then don’t go.”

“Hmm… not pretending anymore, are you?” Fu Ge smiled and pinched Qi Han’s nose, asking in amusement: “Before, you were generous enough to let me be with Zhuo Ma and didn’t even want your own honeymoon. Now you won’t let me see Qi Chuan.”

“It’s different.”

Qi Han was quite a bully when he was allowed, pinching Fu Ge’s waist and saying, “It’s mine now, completely, from the inside out, it’s all mine. Except for Xiao Jue, I don’t want to show you to anyone.”

“Wow… so strict.” Fu Ge frowned as if in embarrassment, “Then it’s not okay to see my adoptive brother?”

“Adoptive…” Qi Han was stunned for a moment, many thoughts popping up in his racing mind, “Baby, what exactly is the relationship between Qi Chuan and you?”

Fu Ge pondered for a while and said, “His grandfather is Lao Qi, my mother’s adoptive father, so he is my adoptive brother and your brother-in-law.”

Qi Han opened his eyes wide in disbelief, so excited that he was incoherent: “So, so you haven’t… you have never thought about marrying him, right?”

Fu Ge looked into his eyes and hesitated for two seconds, then confessed: “I thought about it.”

“In my original plan, there were two ceremonies on March 11th.”

“In the morning, I would fake a marriage with Qi Chuan, let you be the best man and walk me down the aisle and then hand me over to him with your own hands.”

“In the afternoon, I would lock you in the basement where you held me captive and then play a very clear audio of lovemaking, telling you that it was me and Qi Chuan being intimate.”

“At night…”

He paused as he spoke, his tear-filled eyes curved into two bitter arcs, “If you could survive to the night, I would see you one last time and tell you that love at first sight in our second year was just me lying to you. And when you were tortured by me to the point where you would beg for death, I would bury you in the coffin together with me.”

“But… I couldn’t even take the first step…”

He thought that his heart had long been as solid as a rock, and he would no longer feel the slightest softness towards Qi Han. For that reason, Fu Ge didn’t even take the medicine that helped stabilise his emotions in the last few days before the wedding, and his mind was confused and muddled.

His plan was well-thought and fair.

Since in those fourteen days back then Qi Han was out of control because of his rut, then he would also put himself into a trance.

But when it really came to that day, he realised that even though the mentally disturbed Qi Han could still be so ruthless as to destroy the rest of his life, he couldn’t even bear to subject Qi Han to a single injection.

“I don’t know… why were you… so cruel back then…”

Lying on the bed, Fu Ge covered his eyes with his hands; his voice was trembling, and Qi Han was shaking too, “I’m not a pretentious person, I don’t hold grudges, you know… Children without parents are oppressed everywhere, I’ve long been used to it…”

“I can be bullied, but not by the people I care about. I can be deceived, but not by the people I love. And you have done both of these things, you took me… and completely tore me apart…”

Qi Han’s heart throbbed with dull pain, and the vessels in his bloodshot eyes were almost bursting. He hugged the little Beta, hot tears dripping all over his face. “I’m sorry, baby… I’m sorry… I’m really sorry…”

He didn’t make any excuses for himself. He couldn’t say anything other than repeating these words over and over again. The events of that year were stuck in his heart like a rusty sword, and they could not be removed forever.

The little Beta wrapped his arms around his neck and nuzzled it, “I didn’t say this to uncover the scars and make you repent. I just wanted to tell you…”

He stroked Qi Han’s face and made him look at him. After a long time of silence, his tear-filled eyes suddenly brightened in a smile, “Ah Han, it’s time to turn the page. I have let go of all the past. In the next few decades, let’s live well.”

“Will you be my Mr. Bear Cub again?” 

Tears fell on his face, broken sobs filled the ward, and Qi Han’s shoulders shook with crying while he held Fu Ge in his arms.

He took the glass bear seal by the bed and asked Fu Ge to stamp it on his glands, then took it again and carefully stamped it next to the scar from the mark removal surgery on the little Beta’s abdomen.

“Five years ago, because of my fault, we lost the only chance to have a mark.”

Qi Han lowered his head and kissed the scar and the little bear next to it religiously, saying in a muffled voice: “The lifetime mark is redone. In this life, in the next life, and in the next life, Mr. Bear Cub belongs to you.”

My love, I will protect you for the rest of my life.

Loyal to you, intoxicated by you, obsessed with you, until my last breath, I will never stop loving you.

Their lives were full of rust, but the hearts they carried for each other were as fiery and bright as the blue flames that blazed over the ice fields on the night of the northern lights.