Paranoid Love Affair

I didn’t understand what the bunny was saying.

My real name would have been known when I deposited 50,000 won into her account.

When I first met the bunny, I was afraid that the bunny somehow knew about me, but the more I got to know the rabbit, the more that feeling disappeared.

Because I knew it wasn’t important to the bunny.

Yoon-woo thought that if he had the will to die like her, she was a person who didn’t care about everything else.

“What are you talking about… … . When you even said death is love… … .”

[That’s half a lie… … .]

“How much is true?”

[Yoon-woo, if you really hate living to the end, if you think that the only answer left is to die, then I will die together with you. Because I like Yoon-woo… … . That’s what I mean that death is love, that I love you so much that I want to die with you… … . In the past, I purposely talked a little bit together with Yoon-woo to like me, but… … .]

“… …Then, what is a lie?”

[I’m not asking you to have the heart of dying for me. I just want us to live happily ever after. What I was trying to say was just… … . that I think of you that way. And, I just wanted to tell you that I’m not the kind of person who would go to meet other people after you die. I wanted to tell you that it will be difficult for me to live in the world after you die.]

“That… … . Then, when you said
‘love’, did you mean the thing between ordinary lovers??”

[I don’t know what other people think about love. At least, like I said before, I don’t think dying itself is love. Long before I said that, I was already in love with you. So, as you said, I didn’t intend to die together as soon as we met. If I met you on the pretext of committing suicide, I was going to convince you somehow, either by kissing you or by proposing to live together. so you don’t want to die… … . To make you want to live… … . If possible, I want to be your reason for living.]

“Then why did you talk about Romeo and Juliet? Why did you tell me about your father?… … . Didn’t you say that we can only be sure of love if we die together? I thought you really thought so.”

[I wanted to reassure you. And anyway, even if I said that I really like you, it is because of your personality. I’d only listen to you and believe you. Just like right now.]

“Nonsense. Everything you say is contradictory. You created a 1:1 open chat room from the beginning with the purpose of finding someone to die with, right? I can’t remember right now, but that was the reason you gave. Let’s say that it was just a coincidence that I got there. But how can you say that death wasn’t the purpose? How can you come and say you want me to live? Are you kidding me right now? What test? Or have you been playing with me since the beginning?”

[Yoon-woo, did you not see the opening date of that chat room?]

“… … .Do I have to know anything like that?”

[It is now more than a year after you opened the chat room when you spoke to me. Maybe two years? Right now, I’m using a different cell phone, and I’ve created a new Kakaotalk ID.]

“Uh… … . But why?”

[That was when my stepmom was pregnant with second child with my father. The chat room where you talk about suicide was created on a whim on my old phone. I wanted to fuck with my dad. Forgetting my manners and wanting to pour the cold water on my stepmother and stepchildren. However… … . The people who talk to me all seem like people who like my dad.]

“Okay. So it was me who met you. But, you said you were the only one who could die with me, weren’t you? A person who isn’t blinded by sexual desire and does not have a rash personality?”

[No. Actually, I just changed my phone after that. Seeing them, I thought that even if I died, my father would live happily ever after. So, I feel like I’m at a loss… … . And I just got out of the house, drank alcohol by myself, and lived a good life while selling algae leaf cosmetics.]

“… … Then what am I?”

[ I was bored after drinking. And, thinking about how twisted the guys were. When I turned on my old phone, I saw that you were talking to me. I wondered how desperate it was for you to even come to this old chat room, so I tried to talk a little bit, but as we talked, I was able to communicate well, be polite, and have a good time with you… … . I wondered why this person is doing this. That’s why I wanted to hear your voice, and after hearing your voice, I wanted to meet you, so… … . The truth is, from the moment I first met you, I started liking you more and more.]

“… … But, didn’t you ever urge me to just die quickly with you? To tell you whenever I want to die?”

[You look difficult, so I did it because I wanted to meet you in person and comfort you. Tests and everything I said was a lie. It was because I really wanted to meet and have a drink together.]

“That means… … . Then eventually… … You were a kid who didn’t want to die. It was all just heartbreak. I cried alone on the phone, so I thought I found someone like me… … .”

[I also want to die! I have already told you that if you said and decided that you would die in the end, I would die too along with you. I was really lucky back then. I have some work… … .]

“Then the reason you want to die with me… … . Like I said before, because you like me?”

[If you put it like that,… … … . It’s embarrassing.]

“That doesn’t make sense. What do you know about me? How many times have you met me? All you know is my name, the school I go to, and my trashy voice and beggar personality, right? I was relieved that all of those things were trivial. But, nothing matters before death, doesn’t it?”

[Don’t say that! Yoon-woo has a good voice, is polite, has a good personality, and is smart … … .]

“… … It’s all a fantasy you made. You don’t actually see me, you just fit me into the image you want.”

[No, how does Yoon-woo know my heart and say that? How you look to me, how do you know!]

“Because you have very little information about me, and there’s not much positive information out there, so it doesn’t make sense that you like me with that.”

[Isn’t it true that people live by not understanding all aspects of other people? After all, everyone knows only a part of the other person. And I like the part of Yoon-woo that I know, so much that I want to die with you. Can’t you just accept this?]

“I can’t accept it. In reality, it will look different. In reality, you wouldn’t like my gestures, my actions, my tone, my personality, everything. You’ll find that most of the information you have about me is actually fantasy made by your wishes. Even if some small parts of me you know are true, my real self is disgusting enough to offset them all, so you… … .”

[It’s not! You’re supposed to meet tomorrow to show that it’s not like that!]

“Is it necessary? No matter what you do, I will eventually die. And, right now, aren’t you living well too? There’s no reason to die following someone like me. I can’t feel that much value in me to you.”

[It’s not for you to decide. It’s my heart.]

“But before, you told me to stop contacting you, and you kept telling me to do well with my seniors and classmates… … . Actually, don’t you already know? I’m not the person you think I am. So, aren’t you trying to step away from me now?”

[No! not really! That’s not it… … . Because I am there, it seems that your desire to die is becoming so firm… … . Because you don’t even think that I really like you… … . So I thought it would be better if you got along well with real people. Because I never want you to be with me in an unhappy state… … .]

“You like me, but you want to cut off contact with the person you like? Is that for me too?”

[No, my heart will hurt, but… … . So if you become happier… … . If someone other than me can make you happy… … .]

“There is no such person. That’s nonsense. you’re just tired of me. Tired of toys, you’re just wrapping things up in good terms for flea markets. As if you were making a sacrifice.”

[Why do you say that to me?! I love you! Without knowing… … . Why are you speaking so coldly?]

The voice of a crying Bunny. However, Yoon-woo could not afford to calm the bunny.

The rabbit was not the person Yoon-woo thought he was.

I thought she was someone who wraps her desire to die with the word love, but it was the other way around.

Now, to Yoon-woo, the bunny just seemed like an immature and crazy girl.

I have too many expectations for her. Unlike her own father, she is immersed in her own image of sublime love, and plays against the arrogant and powerless Yoon-woo.

Yoon-woo felt really hurt.

Bunny, who was the only pillar I could lean on, was actually seeing a completely different fantasy, not him.

It’s like having no intention of dying from the start.

It is too naive to believe that such a child likes Yoon-woo.

To the extent that it feels as naive as believing that Santa Claus exists.

“… … I’m sorry, but no matter how much I think about it, it doesn’t make sense that you like me. If you think about it calmly for a few days, you will come to your senses. Thanks for keeping in touch with me so far. Thanks to you so far… … .”

[What do you want to organize? We were supposed to meet tomorrow! You promised! Why are you trying to run away without seeing me?]

“… … You told me to stop talking to you now.”

[No. I can’t break up with you, making me think like that. We must meet.]

“Okay. I’ll wait with no expectations. I will take some things to study.”

[That is unfair… … . Why don’t you trust me like that? Would it be different if I met you and kissed you?]

“Well, instead of kissing, would you ever think of sitting face to face with me?”

[However… … . Yoon-woo, won’t you be disappointed when you see me? Because I’m not the person you expected… … . Do you even want to kiss me in person? Actually, I’ve been thinking a lot these days. When Yoon-woo became happy, I thought it was okay to meet anyone… … . I hated myself for getting angry because I thought that Yoon-woo had fun playing with pretty girls in a place where I wasn’t there.]

“That is a really useless worry. How many times have I told you?”

[Then, aren’t we meeting and confirming that we both have useless worries tomorrow?]

“Okay.”

As soon as the conversation was over, Yoon-woo swallowed the sleeping pill again. Still unsettled by his heart, he pulled the vial out of the drawer and swallowed another half of the Q-Loquel pill he had cut in small pieces.

Yoon-woo didn’t put the medicine box back in the drawer, just in case he couldn’t sleep. So, he just left it on the desk.

Somehow, the bunny was so kind and caring.

She talked with Yoon-woo for a very long time. For over half a year… … .

There has never been a person like that in Yoon-woo’s life.

Is it reasonable to think that since there has been no such person before, such a person has appeared?

Or is it reasonable to think that the other person is thinking about something wrong from the start?

In fact, Yoon-woo was also vaguely aware of it.

So, his anxiety grew bigger and bigger.

Then, in the end, he spit out the sigh, which contains his whole anxiety, out of his mouth.

Don’t do that, don’t meet me until I die.

If you think about it, Yoon-woo has been used by the bunny, imagining Yoon-woo’s image alone for more than half a year for her emotional stability, the innocent and immature girl.

Bunny is a person who wants to die with someone, so the fact that the bunny needs Yoon-woo was the cause of maintaining the relationship between the bunny and Yoon-woo.

But in fact, that reason had already disappeared from the bunny’s mind.

In the end, the bunny did not need Yoon-woo, only Yoon-woo needed the bunny.

For Yoon-woo, a bunny’s message and a single word were comforting to endure the day, but her view of Yoon-woo was just an illusion.

To have such fantasies about Yoon-woo, who doesn’t even know her face… … .

How old is a bunny?

Could it be that she is a much younger child than he thought?

Maybe it’s the delinquent youth who started drinking early?

Why didn’t Yoon-woo ask the rabbit about that?

Is it because it’s polite not to delve deeply into each other?

Actually, it was just an excuse. Perhaps the other person’s problem is much lighter than that of Yun-woo, and after a little time, or if she changes her mind even a little, she will soon regain her will to live, so I was afraid that only I would be left alone in the face of death.

In the end, it was a relationship where only he benefited. Continuing this relationship is selfish.

Maybe he was trying not to check various facts in order to turn away from his selfish self.

However, despite such efforts, the fact that he had been ignoring the time that she spent with her rushed forward to him.

Now is the time to stop.

Since I’ve been grateful for all this time, shall I send a gift card to the bunny as a token of my gratitude?

It may be blocked tomorrow, but if you want to send it, you have to send it now… … . Oh, come to think of it, I have to return the 50,000 won I borrowed from the bunny.

It’s the end of the month, and the rest of the food expenses are handed over to Hyerim, so the 12,000 won in my wallet is all my wealth except for the 50,000 won.

I was going to use it at the laundry tomorrow, but even if you hand wash your laundry, you can buy the gift with this … … .

Cake? Coffee? However, in order to purchase a gift card, you must first deposit cash into your account.

I’ll have to get up early tomorrow morning and think about it.

How do I get my 50,000 won back? Since it is an open chat ID, you cannot send money through Talk, so you need to know the account number to transfer money, but maybe the bunny actually has a lot of money, so she may be willing to give up that much and cut off contact with Yoon-woo.

She may choose not to give out your account number and name rather than not throwing away 50,000 won.

So, what should I do with the remaining 50,000 won in my account? Would I save it? Or should I take it out and stare at it all day and ponder over half a year of contact with the bunny?

Just thinking about it made me laugh.

After taking the sleeping pill in the morning, Yoon-woo sleeps all day. And then, after waking up, he took the sleeping pill and slept again.Yoon-woo’s mind was hazy.

He already seemed like he was in a dream.

When you fall asleep eating Q-Loquel pills, the line between sleep and reality is sometimes ambiguous.

I fell asleep while taking medicine at night and having a kakaotalk with a bunny, but I didn’t know I’d already fallen asleep and continued the kakaotalk in my dream.

Maybe Yoon-woo, who took the sleeping pill in the morning, has been sleeping without waking up ever since?

If the current conversation and the bunny’s words on the phone are all just Yun-woo’s dreams… … .

Then, after having this nightmare until morning, wouldn’t there be a lonely and sad bunny who still wants to die with him, who keeps in touch with him?

Come to think of it, there are too many rabbits in Australia, so it’s a problem.

It is said that even after hunting rabbits and killing rabbits, the rabbits continue to grow and multiply, and it is said that one person had to kill three or more rabbits.

Still, there are a lot of rabbits rolling around and stealing alcohol, so the people kill rabbits that are being kicked by their feet… … . There are so many rabbits, but they can kill them without an ounce of pity. They are very selfish people.

I don’t even think that rabbits could also be lonely… … .

We should have a drink together. There is not even a single rabbit in Yoon-woo’s arms, but if Yoon-woo could hold only one rabbit, he would do anything.

Even if I can’t drink alcohol, if the rabbit asks me to drink it together, I’ll drink with it until I vomit.

Rather than killing the rabbits, kill Yoon-woo. Yoon-woo will grow rabbits steadily, but no one dares to kill or take them away.

The government will try hard to figure out how to kill the stung population of Yoon-woo, but in the end they will find that there is no need.

Because Yoon-woo will hang himself alone, or burn himself with smoke briquettes burning below, or swallow ample medicine and stab a knife in his neck, so that in the end, there will be no Yoon-woo left in the world.

If Yoon-woo’s corpse is rotten and becomes fertilizer for apple trees… …

I hope the Australian government, which made a profit by exporting delicious apples grown like that, will change its mind and start a rabbit protection campaign.

Then the rabbits dig a burrow near the root of the apple tree, and there they happily… … .

Yoon-woo, who woke up at 6 in the morning, turned on the voice chat app as soon as he woke up, and checked yesterday’s call log.

As soon as he confirmed that it wasn’t a dream, he started vomiting again.

He is foolish to have hope.

He has to let go of expectations and imagine himself studying alone in Bordeaux Baguette long past the appointment time of 9:00 AM.

But the more I remembered the situation, the more nauseated I got.

I wanted to make sure that there was no one outside the window, so I kept looking out the window without looking at the book, then looked around my head to see if someone had entered the bakery without my knowledge and was disappointed.

He was so disgusted with himself that he would act that way even though he was miserable.

I keep getting nauseous… … Even though the bean sprout soup I ate yesterday had already gone out this morning and there was nothing to come out, Yoon-woo bowed his upper body for a while in front of the toilet and vomited.

Still, it was worthwhile to prepare my heart for such a long time.

He did well by repeating dozens of times that even if he went to the bakery, he would never raise his head and just stare at a book.

Because, even on Sunday between 9 am and 10 am, the bunny didn’t come to see Yoon-woo.