Solitary Toss of Tenderness

Later, I finally understood amidst tears, that some people, once missed, are gone forever

Xu Baihen gently maneuvered her wheelchair, arriving at the door attached to the bedroom. She pulled out the key and turned it, slowly opening the door.

Lu Zizheng initially thought it was the attached bathroom, but to her surprise, when the door opened, she found herself facing pitch darkness inside. Xu Baihen turned slightly and beckoned to Lu Zizheng, motioning for her to follow her. Then, she disappeared into the depths of the dimly lit inner chamber.

Lu Zizheng hesitated for a moment before taking heavy steps to follow. The room was pitch black, so dark that she couldn’t see her own hand in front of her face. Her nose tingled, sensing a strong scent of dust in the air. It seemed like this room had been rarely visited and left untouched for a long time.

In the darkness, Xu Baihen’s gentle and calm voice resonated, “Zizheng, feel along the wall and find the button to turn on the lights.”

Following her instructions, Lu Zizheng obediently explored the wall in the darkness until her fingers stumbled upon a protruding button. With a soft click, the lights illuminated the room.

The sudden burst of light was so intense that Lu Zizheng struggled to open her eyes. She blinked a few times, allowing herself to adjust to the brightness before slowly opening them. As she looked around, her entire body froze in an instant.

As soon as Lu Zizheng opened her eyes, she was greeted by a multitude of neatly arranged paintings hanging low on the surrounding walls. The room wasn’t large, but it was filled with dozens of carefully positioned easels, each displaying a painting. And in every single painting, the protagonist was a young girl of about fifteen or sixteen years old, with shoulder-length hair and a delicate yet stern face. Her expression was faint, devoid of any trace of a smile.

Xu Baihen’s eyes glistened with affection as she carefully scanned the paintings. She turned her head towards Lu Zizheng and asked, “Do you remember when I mentioned that I had a younger sister, about your age? I even showed you her middle school graduation photo.”

Lu Zizheng nodded. It had been a casual mention during one of their conversations, and Xu Baihen seemed reluctant to delve into it further, so she didn’t ask any more questions. The graduation photo was a group picture, and Lu Zizheng had only glanced at it briefly. However, even in that blurry image, Xu Baihen’s sister stood out in an extraordinary way. Lu Zizheng instantly spotted her because she was remarkably beautiful. She couldn’t help but steal a few more glances, not only because of her exceptional looks but also because while everyone else was smiling, she stared directly at the camera with an emotionless expression.

Xu Baihen pushed her wheelchair towards one of the easels and gently ran her thumb over the girl’s cheek in the painting, as if tenderly caressing it. She narrated softly, “These paintings are all of her. Her name is Yun Bai, just like me, with the character ‘bai’ meaning cypress. But she always preferred to write it as ‘bo,’ resembling three drops of water, because she saw herself as a cloud, drifting without roots, free-spirited, destined to wander.”

She saw Lu Zizheng standing upright, listening to her words, and smiled mischievously, saying, “The story is a bit long, and it might take a while. Are you sure you don’t want to sit down and listen?”

Lu Zizheng chuckled awkwardly and moved a chair to the side, taking a seat opposite Xu Baihen.

She felt a bit hesitant about guessing what Xu Baihen was about to tell her.

Once Lu Zizheng was settled in her seat, Xu Baihen continued, “Yun Bo is my cousin. Her grandfather was a close friend of my grandfather when he was sent to the countryside. Later, her grandfather lost his life while trying to save mine, and her grandmother passed away within two years. So, my grandfather took her father under his name and raised him as his own son. After my grandfather returned to the city, he married my grandmother and had my father. However, they both treated my older uncle as their own son, sending him abroad to study and providing him with funds to start his own business. My uncle married early and had four daughters, but no sons. Unfortunately, my aunt was unable to bear any more children due to her age. Desperate for a son, my uncle started having extramarital affairs, and Yun Bo’s mother was one of them. However, she also only gave birth to a daughter. My uncle refused to acknowledge her, and eventually, Yun Bo’s mother abandoned her at our family’s doorstep and ran away with another man. My aunt created quite a scene and adamantly refused to let Yun Bo enter the house, while my uncle had no interest in taking care of her. He simply left Yun Bo to be fostered by distant relatives in our ancestral hometown and never brought her back. As Yun Bo grew up, she was never retrieved. When it was time for her to go to school and obtain household registration, my uncle registered her under that relative’s family name, and hastily gave her the name ‘Bai,’ with only a single character.”

Lu Zizheng’s features tightened as she listened quietly. Yun Bo, her name, seemed to perfectly reflect her background—unsettled and carefree. She wondered if Yun Bo saw things with such a carefree attitude or if it was simply her way of dealing with life’s disappointments.

A faint smile played at the corners of Xu Baihen’s lips. “The first time I saw her was when I was twelve years old. She was just a year younger than me, but a whole head shorter. At that time, my father was developing a resort in our ancestral hometown. During summer vacation, my younger brother and I went to visit. My father always felt guilty towards Yun Bo, thinking that my uncle had treated her unfairly. Since he couldn’t do much on a regular basis, he decided to bring Yun Bo along when we went.”

It seemed like she was reminiscing about that time, her eyes filled with a nostalgic smile. “She had such a proud personality back then. After she joined us, apart from softly calling my father ‘Uncle,’ she didn’t pay attention to anyone else. She would just sit in a corner, entertaining herself. But she had a captivating appearance and a unique personality. I found myself inexplicably drawn to her, both fond of and curious about her. Even though I faced countless rejections, I couldn’t resist calling her to play with me. And in the end, I succeeded.”

Xu Baihen, with a hint of pride, asked Lu Zizheng, “Can you guess why?”

Lu Zizheng looked at Xu Baihen’s rare mischievous expression and shook her head gently. She had no idea what the answer could be.

Xu Baihen chuckled and replied, “Later, she told me that it was because on that day, my smile was so radiant that she felt like she had seen the sun in her life.”

Lu Zizheng smiled and pursed her lips, saying, “She speaks as if she were a romantic poet.”

Xu Baihen’s eyes gleamed, agreeing, “She is more than just a romantic poet. After our first meeting, every summer vacation, my younger brother and I would pick up Yun Bo and go to the vacation resort together. Back then, we didn’t have smartphones, so Yun Bo would send me letters every month—sometimes one, sometimes two. Our communication grew increasingly fervent, and we became more and more familiar with each other. I often thought she was a natural-born artist. She could effortlessly weave various lively and vibrant animals from roadside plants to bring joy to me. She could pluck a leaf and play a melodious tune, and she even taught herself to skillfully sketch lifelike portraits with a ballpoint pen. I confess, I found myself increasingly captivated and enthralled by her talent and tenderness. That’s why, when she first looked at me with passionate and ambiguous eyes, I didn’t shy away. And when she tenderly and passionately kissed me at the age of fifteen, I didn’t refuse her.”

As Xu Baihen spoke, a faint blush tinged her cheeks. Through her words, Lu Zizheng could imagine the innocence and simplicity of their carefree days.

“After that, every letter she wrote to me was like a passionate and poetic love letter, making my face blush and my heart race every time I received one. Sometimes, she would even send me songs she composed and lyrics she wrote. I would learn to sing them, following the sheet music she provided. I imagined her intense gaze fixed upon me, softly humming the lyrics with her gentle and melodic voice in my ear. It would inevitably make my cheeks turn red and my ears grow warm. I knew perfectly well how much she attracted me.”

After a pause, Xu Baihen looked at Lu Zizheng, as if gathering immense courage, before continuing, “That’s why, at the age of sixteen, she climbed onto my bed, gently bit my lip, and pulled down the straps of my nightgown, caressing me. I wordlessly indulged her, and even reciprocated. She repeated how much she loved me over and over again, and I simply held her without saying a word.”

Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but feel a bit surprised. After years of friendship, Xu Baihen appeared to be an extremely rational and composed person in her eyes. At the age of sixteen, still so young, how could she dare and be willing to enter into such an intimate relationship so easily…

Xu Baihen let out a wry smile and said, “Zizheng, the truth is, after that, I was filled with fear. Yun Bo has a somewhat stubborn nature, and her love was intense, almost overwhelming. Sometimes, she would cling to me and plead, saying that I was the only person she loved in the whole world. She asked if I could love her a little bit more. She was willing to give up everything and face any challenge for me. She said ‘I love you’ many times, but I couldn’t bring myself to respond. I knew she was someone who followed through on her words, but she didn’t know how scared I was. I was afraid of our secret being discovered by our families, afraid of them finding out that I had not only fallen in love with a woman but also with my own cousin. I never considered how we could sustain our relationship in the long run; I only thought about living day by day. I even secretly contemplated if there was a way for us to escape from it all. I had so many fears, but strangely, I never worried or feared that one day I would lose her.”

She sniffed and let out a soft, low, melancholic laugh. “But sadly, in the end, I ended up losing her alone.”

As the story reached this point, Lu Zizheng no longer had the courage to ask Xu Baihen what happened next. Xu Baihen’s grandfather was a hospital director, her mother was a university professor, and her father was originally a doctor. Coming from an educated and refined background, she was raised to be a proper young lady, adhering to societal norms. The fact that she didn’t resist Yun Bo from the very beginning was already beyond her expectations and showed just how much she genuinely, truly liked Yun Bo.

She didn’t dare to imagine how painful it must have been for Xu Baihen when she let go.

Xu Baihen stared at Yun Bo’s portrait for a long time, remaining silent for a while before continuing, “Two days before the end of that summer vacation when we were sixteen, my younger brother wanted to go and play on the undeveloped beach near the resort. Worried about him, I went along, and Yun Bo came with me too. Yun Bo couldn’t swim and had an instinctual fear of water, so she stood on the distant shore watching us play. As time went by, the waves grew stronger, but neither my brother nor I noticed it until Yun Bo suddenly dashed from the far shore towards us and grabbed my hand, pulling me back. That’s when I realized something terrible was about to happen.”

At this point, Xu Baihen’s voice began to tremble, and there was a hint of instability in her tone.

“Before I could react, I ran along with her. During our escape, she let go of my hand, but I didn’t even notice it until I reached the shore and turned back to see her fall. The waves had already engulfed half of her body, rapidly submerging her and carrying her out to sea.”

Lu Zizheng’s heart trembled along with Xu Baihen’s voice…

“I ran back as if I had gone mad, wanting to save her. But not far from me, even closer, my brother was also being swept away. He was desperately calling out to me, ‘Sister, save me, sister…’ Both Yun Bo and my brother were struggling in the water, but she didn’t call out to me. However, I could feel her gaze locked onto me. But at that moment, I couldn’t do anything…” As Xu Baihen spoke, her voice clearly carried a tone of crying.

“There was no one on the coast, and I could only save one person. Yun Bo was getting further and further away, while my brother was still close to the shore. In the end, I gritted my teeth, changed direction, and swam towards my brother, pulling him back with all my strength. In that moment when I turned away, I heard Yun Bo’s heart-wrenching cry from the sea, ‘Xu Baihen, I hate you…'”

Lu Zizheng saw tears slipping from the corners of Xu Baihen’s eyes, but she couldn’t find the words to comfort her. She had never imagined such sorrow hidden behind Xu Baihen’s years of smiles. Even the most profound and heartfelt consolation would probably be unable to truly alleviate Xu Baihen’s pain.

Xu Baihen lowered her gaze, her voice hoarse, “I had no other choice at that time. I wasn’t afraid to save Yun Bo, even if it meant being buried at sea with her. But the desperate cries for help were coming from my brother, with whom I had grown up and shared a deep bond. I couldn’t turn a blind eye to his plea. So in my heart, I kept calling out, praying for Yun Bo to hear my feelings, telling her not to be afraid, to wait for me, not to drift too far, not to go too far, just wait for me…”

“When I managed to save my brother and turned back, Yun Bo’s figure was nowhere to be seen. I ran towards the sea once again, but by then, adults had arrived, holding me back and not letting me go. Despite my struggles and cries, I eventually collapsed on the beach.”

Lu Zizheng bit her lip, her gaze falling on the young girl depicted on the nearby wall, standing by the sea, looking towards the coast with a gaze filled with despair and sorrow… Lu Zizheng’s heart felt heavy and ached.

Xu Baihen’s gaze followed Lu Zizheng’s line of sight, resting on the painting.

“When I woke up, I was already in the hospital. My mother was sitting by my side, and the first words that came out of my mouth were asking about Yun Bo, where she was. But my mother avoided my gaze and didn’t answer me. I knew then that Yun Bo was gone, she had saved me, and I had abandoned her. I couldn’t cry anymore, and the words ‘Xu Baihen, I hate you’ kept ringing in my ears. I started to feel heartbroken, afraid that she would be scared alone in the dark, afraid that she couldn’t bear the coldness of the sea… At that moment, I truly understood just how much I loved her. When my mother left at noon, I removed the IV needle and jumped out of the fifth-floor hospital room window. I couldn’t bear to let her embark on the lonely journey alone…”

Lu Zizheng listened in shock, unable to suppress a slight tremor in her body. Xu Baihen noticed and reached out, patting her legs, offering comforting support.

“The height of the fifth floor didn’t grant my wish to accompany Yun Bo. Instead, it left me with crippled legs. My family thought I felt guilty for not saving Yun Bo and tried to convince me that in such a situation, it was an impossible choice, that I had done my best, and no one would blame me. They believed Yun Bo would understand. But I knew they didn’t understand Yun Bo. She was someone who loved and hated with absolute clarity, who couldn’t tolerate the slightest speck of doubt. In that moment when I turned away, it meant abandonment and betrayal to her. Her final words, ‘I hate you,’ uttered with all her remaining strength, proved that Yun Bo blamed me, loved me, and hated me…”

Lu Zizheng didn’t know what to say. Her throat felt constricted, and all she managed to say was, “Sister…” before she couldn’t continue.

A faint, self-deprecating smile appeared at the corner of Xu Baihen’s lips. “Later on, there were several times when I couldn’t bear it anymore. My parents would try to console me, saying, ‘Baihen, just wait a little longer. Maybe Yun Bo has already been rescued. The search team has been looking for her for so many days without any luck, but that possibility still exists. When Yun Bo recovers, she will come back to find you. What if you’re not here then, what will happen?’ So, I clung to this last glimmer of hope and lived on, barely hanging on for so many years, waiting for so many years, searching for so many years. Naively, I neglected to treat my legs, spending twelve years in a wheelchair, hoping that one day Yun Bo would return. If she blamed me when she came back, I could use it as proof that I truly loved her, loved her deeply.”

“But I know, I can’t wait for her anymore. She will never hear that ‘I love you’ that I owe her…” Xu Baihen’s smile finally faded slowly from her lips.

Inside and outside the room, the clear and cold voice of Jiang Huaixi flowed slowly. “A withered flower can no longer be picked, and a faded love can never be turned back. How many people, in the absence of a ‘later’ in their lives, only begin to regret the missed opportunities. The final song, ‘Later,’ is dedicated to everyone.”

“Afterward, I finally learned how to love, but unfortunately, you had already disappeared into the sea of people. Later, I finally understood through tears that some people, once missed, will never come back…”

Xu Baihen leaned down and gently kissed the still rosy lips of the girl in the portrait in front of her. There was a subtle curve at the corner of her lips, and her voice was calm and chilling. “Zizheng, I don’t want to deceive myself and keep waiting anymore. Yun Bo must be tired of waiting too…”

The author has something to say:

Zizheng was startled by Xu Baihen’s story. Did anyone else get scared? Haha! (^?^*)

Good night, everyone~ (≧▽≦)/~