Solitary Toss of Tenderness

Do you still believe in love?

Lu Zizheng was startled by Xu Baihan’s words and abruptly stood up, taking a stride towards Xu Baihan. She reached out and grasped Xu Baihan’s fragile shoulders, as if afraid that in the next instant, she wouldn’t be able to touch Xu Baihan anymore.

Xu Baihan lifted her gaze and gave Lu Zizheng a faint smile, gently placing her hand over Lu Zizheng’s hand. “Zizheng, please don’t try to persuade me. I’ve been deceiving myself for too long. I miss her so much. I’ve given myself a final deadline, until this August, the day she left.”

Lu Zizheng’s trembling lips and voice pleaded, “Sis, please don’t do this. Yun Bo wouldn’t want you to be like this. Let’s wait a little longer, let’s wait together, okay?”

Xu Baihan shook her head with a sorrowful tone, “Zizheng, I can’t wait any longer. I used to think I would forever remember Yun Bo’s face, every curve of her smile. But these past few years, I’ve been losing the ability to capture Yun Bo’s image, her every expression becoming increasingly blurry in my mind. I’m afraid that in the end, I won’t remember her face clearly and won’t be able to find her. And I’m even more afraid that after all this time, she will forget me, not recognize me anymore…”

Lu Zizheng’s trembling lips quivered as she pleaded, her voice choked with emotion. “Sis, you can’t do this. It’s too cruel. Now that I know everything, how can I stand by and watch you leave without taking any action? Please, sis, don’t do this. Give yourself and Yun Bo a little more time. Yun Bo will come back…”

Xu Baihan lifted her hand, struggling yet gently wiping away Lu Zizheng’s tears. “Zizheng, don’t cry. It’s my fault, I’ve been selfish.” She maneuvered her wheelchair, reaching a small cabinet in the corner of the room. Opening it, she took out a book with a dark cover and returned to Lu Zizheng, handing her the book.

Lu Zizheng reached out and accepted it, looking at Xu Baihan with confusion.

Xu Baihan smiled wistfully. “Zizheng, I’m sorry. I don’t have much time left. But I’m afraid that once I’m gone, no one will remember Yun Bo’s vibrant existence, and no one will know that we once passionately loved each other with all our lives.” Her gaze shifted to the book that Lu Zizheng held in her hands. “This is what I can leave behind, the only proof that we once loved. Zizheng, after I’m gone, please publish it under my name. I can’t bear the thought that after I’m gone, no one in this world will remember Yun Bo, no one will know her sorrows, and no one will know that she loved me and hated me with her entire being.”

Since her university days, Xu Baihan had been writing and submitting stories for publication, with Lu Zizheng always being her first reader. But she never expected that the last story Xu Baihan would give her to read would be written with such a profound sacrifice of life and tears. Lu Zizheng held the book in her hands, feeling its weight as if it were a thousand pounds, making it difficult for her to keep her hands steady and her body upright.

Lu Zizheng had experienced moments like this before, and she knew how important belief was to a person. No matter how many comforting words were spoken, they could hardly shake the determination of someone who was painfully resolved to seek death. The grief in her heart was threatening to engulf all her thoughts, and tears rolled down her cheeks, large and heavy.

Through teary eyes, Lu Zizheng’s gaze blurred as she swept over the portraits around her. The girl in the paintings had a cold and austere demeanor, yet there was a gentle radiance in her eyes. She stared at them, captivated by a faint sense of familiarity. Her heart stirred, and she thought, perhaps…

She turned back and blurted out, “Sis, I feel like I’ve seen her somewhere before!”

Xu Baihan was taken aback by Lu Zizheng’s sudden reaction, furrowing her brow slightly before asking, “What?”

Lu Zizheng, as if finding a breakthrough to hold onto Xu Baihan, explained urgently and anxiously, “Sis, I think I’ve come across someone who bears a striking resemblance to her. I can’t recall exactly when or where it happened, but I truly, truly saw her. Sis, believe me, give me a little more time, and I’m certain I’ll remember!”

Xu Baihan seemed to comprehend, offering a gentle smile and shaking her head. “Zizheng, don’t deceive yourself.”

Lu Zizheng took a deep breath, trying to calm her excitement, and spoke calmly and earnestly once again, “Sis, please believe me, it’s true. Yun Bo, she must still be alive. I must have seen her at some point.”

Xu Baihan smiled sadly, “Zizheng, you don’t understand. Over the years, I’ve encountered so many people who resembled Yun Bo, but none of them were her. I’ve believed it so many times, but…” She paused, suddenly wheeling herself out of the room, changing the subject, and asked, “Zizheng, how are you and Huaixi doing?”

Lu Zizheng was about to persuade her further, calling out to her insistently, “Sis… Really, just listen to me…”

Before she could finish her sentence, Xu Baihan turned back with a smile, pleading, “Zizheng, we rarely get to see each other like this. Let’s skip this topic for now, can we? Please, let’s not talk about it, okay?”

“Sis!”

Xu Baihan pressed her index finger against her lips, blinked her eyes, and made a firm decision not to discuss the matter any further.

Lu Zizheng bit her lip as she watched Xu Baihan, her thoughts in complete chaos, her mind feeling foggy and heavy. Later, no matter what Xu Baihan said to her, she couldn’t remember a single word. And in the end, she didn’t even know how she left the Xu family’s house.

She declined the offer of a ride from the Xu family driver and walked back aimlessly along the road, hoping to sort out the confusion in her heart. However, the more she tried to make sense of it, the more jumbled everything became. The noise and bustle around her seemed disconnected from her, and her mind was filled with only the last page of the book Xu Baihan had given her, which read: “With utmost tranquility, let love endure eternally, unchanging and immortal; with this writing, let it testify that we once loved each other, never diminishing or fading. Yun Bo, I love you.”

Xu Baihan had said, “Actually, losing something is not terrifying. What’s terrifying is when you never had it in the first place. Until everything fades away, you have no evidence to prove that you once loved, that you once possessed.”

And how could she prove her love?

Lu Zizheng was lost in her thoughts, paying no attention to the traffic lights as she walked ahead. Suddenly, her phone in her bag rang, jolting her back to reality. She hastily rummaged through her bag to find her phone and saw that it was a call from Jiang Huaixi, leaving her momentarily stunned. Just then, a motorcycle brushed past her, the honking and the driver’s curses filling the air simultaneously. Startled, Lu Zizheng’s hand trembled, causing her phone to slip out and crash onto the ground, falling silent.

Lu Zizheng bent down to pick up the shattered phone, its screen devoid of any signs of life, and a sense of sadness suddenly washed over her.

What could she leave behind to prove her existence in her own life, so tenderly and profoundly, after Jiang Huaixi left?

Would it be a missed call? An unread text message? Or those countless records of their conversations?

But what if one day the phone got lost and the number was no longer in use?

What could prove that the tenderness Jiang Huaixi once gave was so authentically present, not destined to be replaced by pain and despair like all the past moments, eventually fading away with time’s erasure…

Lu Zizheng pondered deeply, walking aimlessly, unaware that she had arrived at her father’s graveyard. When she was younger and faced with unanswerable questions, her father was always the first person she thought of. And now, she realized that this habit had never truly left her.

Gazing into the distance, Lu Zizheng faintly saw a woman standing in front of her father’s tombstone. She furrowed her brow, feeling a sense of curiosity as the figure didn’t resemble someone familiar.

Step by step, she approached the woman, and the figure became clearer yet increasingly unfamiliar. It wasn’t until Lu Zizheng stood beside the woman and saw her turn around that she recognized, to her surprise, that it was Zhou Fangfan.

Zhou Fangfan clearly didn’t expect to encounter Lu Zizheng, her expression filled with astonishment and joy, her face displaying a complex mixture of emotions. She opened her mouth slightly, her eyes widening in surprise.

Lu Zizheng furrowed her brow and asked in a tone that was neither cold nor indifferent, “What are you doing here?”

Zhou Fangfan slightly lowered her head, unable to meet Lu Zizheng’s gaze, and replied in a subdued voice, “A few years ago, when I came here to visit my grandfather, I discovered that Uncle was also here. Since then, whenever I come to see my grandfather, I would come here and have a few words with Uncle. After our encounter years ago, you said that if it’s fate, we will meet again. So, I often waited here, hoping that fate would bring us together. I never expected that we would cross paths today, truly meeting again.”

Lu Zizheng approached, crouching down to wipe her father’s face on the tombstone with her hand, and said in a soft voice, “In that case, I should thank you for keeping my father company and chatting with him.”

Zhou Fangfan bit her lip, her face displaying a complex expression as she looked at Lu Zizheng. Finally, she also crouched down and spoke earnestly in a low voice, “Every time I visit Uncle, I say a hundred apologies in my heart, apologizing for hurting you. Today, I finally have the chance to say this apology to you directly. Zizheng, I’m sorry. Back then, I wasn’t brave enough. I was too weak…”

Lu Zizheng turned her head, her gaze becoming intense and piercing.

How could her apology be uttered so lightly? What weight does a simple “I’m sorry” carry? The room filled with psychological books and the scar on her wrist, they all served as evidence of the nightmare this woman before her had once trapped her in.

That day, she woke up in the hospital bed, her wrist wrapped in thick bandages. Her mother, with tears in her red eyes, asked her, “Your father has passed away. Are you also going to leave, abandoning your mother?”

At that moment, she realized clearly that she couldn’t leave, that she still had responsibilities, that she had to take care of her mother.

However, she was still unhappy. She read countless books, attempting to heal herself, but it was only a fleeting respite.

At night, she often couldn’t fall asleep. In just half a year, she became so thin that she was nothing but skin and bones.

She asked her mother, “Am I really as twisted as they say? Mom, did I remember wrong? Did I really force Little Fan? Why can’t I remember clearly anymore? Mom, I don’t want to be seen as a pervert, but I can’t change. Mom, what should I do? I’m so scared.”

It was her mother who held her, reassuring her repeatedly, telling her, “You’re not twisted. You’re right. They were wrong. They are bad people. They don’t know anything; they’re just talking nonsense.”

During the year of the high school entrance examination, her condition was at its most severe. After transferring schools, in the unfamiliar environment, she became like a mute. Besides studying, she immersed herself in her own world. While doing homework at night, she often burst into tears.

Later, her mother took her to see a psychologist. With the end of the entrance examination and her acceptance into high school, her mother said it was a fresh start, that everything would get better, and slowly, she did start to improve.

Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned. In high school, she encountered former classmates from middle school. The rumors and gossip about her quickly spread throughout the grade. Due to the biased judgment of her classmates, it seemed like every misfortune was somehow connected to her. Even when the class funds went missing, they were quick to suspect her the most because of the belief that her father’s early death had left her in a difficult financial situation. Thus, the nightmare she thought could finally end came back with even greater force…

Lu Zizheng raised her hand, squinting as she looked at her wrist. She had intended to coldly reject Zhou Fangfan’s apology, but as she lifted her hand, the first thing she saw was not the horrifying scar but the thoughtful watch that Jiang Huaixi had given her.

Suddenly, all her resentment seemed to disperse like dark clouds in the presence of sunlight, slowly fading away.

Perhaps, everything was predetermined, with causes and effects. Without the seed planted by Zhou Fangfan and others back then, she wouldn’t have reaped the sweet fruit that was Jiang Huaixi, would she? Could it be that all the shadows in her life had existed to wait for the appearance of this warm sunshine?

Lu Zizheng leaned against her father’s tombstone and sat on the ground, looking at the wide watch strap on her wrist. She smiled with a sense of relief and said, “Fangfan, it’s all in the past. Let’s forget it all…”

Zhou Fangfan sat down beside her, her gaze deep and watery, murmuring softly, “Forget?”

Lu Zizheng turned her head to look at Zhou Fangfan’s profile, resembling the girl she knew during their youth. Thoughts of the times when she secretly watched her in class stirred a sense of melancholy. She looked up at the clear sky and suddenly asked, “Fangfan, do you still believe in love?” Her tone carried the familiar intimacy of their past.

Zhou Fangfan smiled softly and replied, “Love? Zizheng, I’m getting married tomorrow. The groom is someone I met through a blind date half a year ago. Our parents think we match well in various aspects, and considering our age, they felt it was time to settle down. So we decided. I came here today to personally inform my grandfather about it.”

Lu Zizheng felt as though a heavy blow had struck her chest, causing a dull ache to spread through her being.

The words of Grandmother Jiang echoed in her mind, “Huaixi, your younger brother has settled down, so Grandmother doesn’t have to worry anymore. When will I be able to pass this other bracelet on to my well-behaved future son-in-law?”

Zhou Fangfan suddenly leaned closer to Lu Zizheng, pressing her ear against her lips, and whispered softly, “Zizheng, let me tell you a secret. My first love was a girl. I liked her for a long, long time, and afterward, I also regretted it for a long, long time. Since then, in this lifetime, I don’t think I can ever like someone as much as I did her. I want to tell that girl to be braver than me and find happiness beyond what I could achieve.”