Solitary Toss of Tenderness

Her heart has already turned to ashes

Lu Zizheng didn’t know how she managed to support herself and return home. As soon as she entered the house, she saw her mother standing at the entrance, looking at her with a worried expression. She turned around, trying hard to control her trembling hands, and gently closed the door. Then she squatted down to grab a pair of cotton slippers, pretending as if nothing had happened, and asked her mother, “Mom, what’s wrong? Why have you been looking at me?”

Mama Lu softly called her name, “Zheng Zheng…”

Lu Zizheng struggled to put her feet, which had already gone numb and cold, into her slippers. She looked up at her mother and forced a smile, trying to appear relaxed as she responded, “Oh…” But just as she was about to stand up, her legs gave way, and she fell into her mother’s arms. It was then that Lu Zizheng sorrowfully realized that she truly had become so powerless.

Mama Lu quickly helped her stand firm, her eyes turning red. She no longer asked Lu Zizheng what had happened between her and Jiang Huaixi. They silently supported each other and walked with difficulty to the living room. They sat down on the sofa, and then Mama Lu went to the bathroom to prepare hot water for Lu Zizheng.

Lu Zizheng leaned against the sofa, closed her eyes, and tilted her head back, trying her best to suppress herself. Her breathing was heavy and labored, and the muscles on her cheeks trembled imperceptibly.

Mama Lu brought out two basins of hot water, tested the temperature, and then carefully placed Lu Zizheng’s stiff and cold feet into the water.

Lu Zizheng suddenly opened her eyes, leaned forward, and grabbed her mother’s arm, stopping her from preparing the foot soak. She spoke in a hoarse voice, “How can I let you, Mom, help me with the foot soak?”

Mama Lu looked at her with heartache and sighed, “Silly child…”

Upon hearing her mother’s sigh filled with tenderness and compassion, Lu Zizheng’s nose suddenly tingled, and the tears she had been holding back finally welled up. She pulled her mother to sit beside her, burying her head in her mother’s neck, tightly embracing her with both hands, crying silently. Mama Lu felt a cool dampness in the hollow of her neck, which made her heartache and almost brought tears to her eyes.

Mama Lu didn’t dare to ask her what had happened, so she simply embraced her, gently patting Lu Zizheng’s back and softly comforting her, “Zheng Zheng, don’t cry. Mom is here, everything will be fine, it will pass…”

Lu Zizheng cried, trembling all over, but without making a sound. Finally, she wiped her tears by herself, lifted her head, and forced a smile through her teary eyes. In a choked voice, she said, “Mom, it’s okay. I feel better after crying. Don’t worry, I’m fine now…”

Mama Lu looked at her forced smile and felt a dull pain in her chest. She gently responded, “Hmm, Mom believes you. Mom isn’t worried…” After saying that, she turned her head away and quickly wiped away the tears that couldn’t help but escape from the corners of her eyes.

Silly child, how can I be at ease when you’re like this?

Mama Lu had been worried that Lu Zizheng’s mood would affect her appetite, but she didn’t expect that Lu Zizheng would eat dinner almost as usual, and there was nothing unusual at the dining table. Occasionally, they could even chat about daily life. Mama Lu knew that Lu Zizheng was trying hard to conceal her true feelings, but she didn’t want to expose her wounds either, so she could only helplessly go along with her.

After dinner, Lu Zizheng retreated to her room, claiming that she wanted to take a bath and sleep early. She said that since she would start working again tomorrow, she wanted to make the most of the remaining good time to have a good sleep and dream.

Mama Lu was well aware of Lu Zizheng’s daily routine. Not to mention that it was only just past 7 p.m., even if it were the early hours of the morning, Lu Zizheng would have a hard time falling asleep in bed. She would toss and turn before finally being able to sleep, let alone having a good sleep or dream. However, she also knew that what Lu Zizheng probably needed now was some time alone to calm down. So she pretended to know nothing and happily agreed with her, even reminding her, “Wake up early tomorrow, don’t be late on the first day of work in the new year, it won’t look good.”

Lu Zizheng blinked and smiled, saying, “Mom, don’t worry about it. I’m such a well-behaved person, how could I be late?”

Mama Lu laughed and said, “Always boasting…”

Lu Zizheng hurriedly walked back to her room, closed the door, and without turning on the lights, went straight to the bathroom attached to her bedroom. She squatted beside the toilet, vomiting everything she had forced herself to eat for dinner. She vomited so much that her feet went numb and tears streamed down her face. Afterward, she slumped to the ground and remained motionless.

After a while, she regained a bit of strength, went out of the bathroom to her bedroom, and took fresh underwear and pajamas. Then she returned to the bathroom to take a shower.

She turned on the shower to the maximum, instantly drenching her entire body. She couldn’t open her eyes, and in the next moment, tears overflowed from the corners of her eyes without restraint. She felt the wetness on her face but lied to herself, “Mom, I’m not crying, it’s just water. Don’t worry…”

Lu Zizheng didn’t know how long she had been showering; she continued until her skin started to wrinkle. Finally, she turned off the water, dried her body and hair, and left the bathroom.

In the darkness, without turning on the lights, she climbed onto the bed, curled up her legs, and hugged her knees. Bathed in moonlight, she stared blankly at the wall clock hanging on the wall, watching the second hand ticking away, one second at a time.

They say life is fleeting, time is precious, but at this moment, Lu Zizheng felt that every minute and every second seemed so long. She could hardly find any meaning in time, except for torment, more torment.

She questioned herself inwardly, wondering if life was not meant to have any expectations. The Buddha said that all beings are subject to suffering, and that life is born to repay karmic debts from past lives. So, the first sound one makes upon being born is crying. Why couldn’t she learn, why didn’t she have that kind of enlightenment?

In the darkness, Lu Zizheng slowly traced her finger along the twisted, ugly scar on her wrist. Following the scar, she found the watch that Jiang Huaixi had given her—the cold, rough watch strap. Her fingertips gently stroked the strap, and she couldn’t help but smile, followed by tears…

It wasn’t Jiang Huaixi’s fault for being too gentle; it was her own self-righteousness. It wasn’t her fault for not being able to give her love; it was her own insatiable greed.

From beginning to end, Jiang Huaixi had done nothing wrong. It was all her fault.

But, Huaixi, is it really not wrong to stay like this forever?

Her heart had already deviated from its normal path, so how could she continue moving forward as if everything was normal?

Lu Zizheng suddenly sat up, opened a drawer, and took out the strand of hair that Jiang Huaixi had left on her pillow. She gazed at it with gentle eyes for a long time. Finally, she got out of bed, opened the window, and slowly untied the red string that held the hair. She extended her hand out the window, wanting to give it a strong wave, letting go of all the attachment, just like the dispersing strands of hair, drifting away with the wind…

But as she raised her hand, in the end, she couldn’t let go.

With a bitter smile, Lu Zizheng stared at the hair in her hand for a long time, then closed the window and returned to bed. She removed the watch from her wrist and placed it in the deepest part of the drawer along with the hair. From then on, just like her feelings for Jiang Huaixi, it was locked away in the darkness, never to see the light of day again.

After completing all of this, she collapsed weakly onto the bed, ignoring her still damp hair, curling up into a ball…

The night felt so long, so cold… Her empty wrist felt especially chilly, and the chill traveled up her arm, cooling her heart, causing Lu Zizheng to tremble uncontrollably…

Lu Zizheng finally stayed awake until dawn, her tear tracks long dried on her face. She let out a weak self-deprecating smile. It was another new day. She sat up, took out her phone, and after hesitating all night, she finally made up her mind.

She found the contact list, her hand trembling slightly. With a heavy heart, she added Jiang Huaixi to the block list, and then deleted all call and message records…

That’s how it will be. Cut off ties, forget it all.

Silently in her heart, Lu Zizheng repeated countless times, “Huaixi, I’m sorry.”

To be a couple, we lacked a bit of fate; but pretending to be friends, I lacked a bit of talent. I’m sorry.

Lu Zizheng, in an unusual move, applied heavy makeup to conceal the redness and paleness of her eyes. She arrived at the translation agency on time for work. After the general meeting, the company president asked Lu Zizheng to stay behind and informed her that she would be going to Fengshang Baodao (Fashion Trend News) in the afternoon.

Lu Zizheng was already mentally and physically exhausted, with no energy left to deal with Lian Xuan’s unpredictable behavior. Without much hesitation, she was ready to hand over such a promising business opportunity. However, the president mentioned that it was Lian Xuan who specifically requested her presence, indicating that he was also in a difficult position.

Fengshang Baodao had signed a long-term contract with the translation agency last year, establishing a cooperative relationship. The president had shown her kindness, and Lu Zizheng didn’t want to make things excessively difficult for him. After much contemplation, she reluctantly agreed.

Her heart had already turned to ashes, and from now on, love and hate no longer had any connection to her. Whether it was Lian Xuan or someone else, what difference did it make?

In the afternoon, as scheduled, Lu Zizheng went to Fengshang Baodao. Lian Xuan was busy with urgent matters before a business trip, so she left some documents with her secretary for Lu Zizheng. The secretary informed her that they would be going to Japan on a business trip together the next day and due to the tight schedule, it was essential for Lu Zizheng to familiarize herself with the project as soon as possible.

Lu Zizheng held the documents and chuckled wryly. Well, getting busy might help her forget everything, perhaps.

That night, Lu Zizheng took a taxi back to her mother’s house and had dinner with her. She informed her mother about the upcoming business trip to Japan, explaining that the duration was uncertain and asked her to take good care of herself.

After hesitating for a long time, Lu Zizheng added in a hoarse voice, “Mom, if possible, please try not to trouble Huaixi too much.” After saying that, she didn’t dare to look up and see her mother’s expression.

To her surprise, her mother calmly and softly agreed, “Okay, I’ll listen to you.”

Lu Zizheng looked up at her mother in astonishment, only to see understanding and love in her mother’s eyes. In that moment, she felt a sense of reassurance. No matter how things changed, her mother would always be her strongest support, her one and only unwavering belief in this world.

However, Lu Zizheng didn’t expect that on the very next day, as soon as she boarded the plane, her mother called Jiang Huaixi.

Mama Lu’s voice remained consistently gentle, showing no hint of coldness towards Jiang Huaixi due to the unpleasantness between Lu Zizheng and her: “Huaixi, Zizheng is going on a business trip to Japan again. Whenever you’re available, come and chat with Auntie.”

In the private ward of the Jiang family’s hospital, Jiang Huaixi sat up, narrowed her eyes slightly, and replied in a warm tone, “Sure, Auntie. But I might keep you waiting for a few more days. I’m on a business trip in another city and will be back in a few days.”

Mama Lu smiled affectionately on the other end of the phone and said nonchalantly, “It’s okay, Auntie can wait as long as needed. Just give Auntie a call in advance when you’re coming, and Auntie will prepare something delicious for you.”

Jiang Huaixi, rare to show a childlike smile, softened her voice and said, “Okay, Auntie.”

She turned her head to look out the window, but the sky remained gloomy. When would the snow finally clear after a storm?

That day, after Lu Zizheng left, Jiang Huaixi remained squatting in the snowy field for a long time. It was already pitch black, and she could no longer see the deep footprints left by Lu Zizheng as she walked away. Jiang Huaixi bit her lip, her eyes reddening, as she pulled her frozen feet out of the snow, put on her shoes, and struggled to make her way back to the car.

Her feet had almost lost all sensation. She couldn’t drive, so she had to call someone to come and drive her back home.

Upon returning home, Jiang Huaixi felt her head heavy, her body weak and sore. She didn’t even have the appetite to eat. She simply rinsed her body and climbed into bed, drifting off into a hazy sleep…

When she woke up again, Jiang Huaixi felt a severe dryness and pain in her throat. Her whole body felt hot and uncomfortable, as if it were on fire. She opened her eyes and tried to lift her hand to sit up, only to find a thin needle inserted into the back of her hand. She turned her head upward and indeed, there was a drip bag hanging by the bedside…

Jiang Huaixi stared at the drip tube, watching the liquid dripping, drop by drop, angrily welling up within her. She abruptly sat up, disregarding everything, and forcefully pulled out the needle, holding onto the tube, and flung the hanging medication away. She had never felt so infuriated and resentful before, an overwhelming urge to destroy everything, to release all the accumulated grievances and dissatisfaction from all these years.

Jiang Wang entered the room with the medicine soup, only to see Jiang Huaixi standing barefoot by the bed, the blanket slipped onto the floor, stained with tiny specks of bright red. Following the trail of red, she saw blood seeping out from Jiang Huaixi’s hand, little by little.

She left the medicine soup at the door and quickly approached, retrieving alcohol and cotton swabs from the medical kit. She reached for Jiang Huaixi’s hand, intending to stop the bleeding. However, it was the first time Jiang Huaixi had lost control in front of her, fiercely pushing her hand away and hoarsely shouting, “Go away! I’m tired of this kind of life. I don’t want to live anymore… I don’t want to live…” Her voice trailed off, tinged with a hint of crying.

Jiang Wang had known Jiang Huaixi for nearly ten years, and it was the first time she had seen Jiang Huaixi, usually calm and composed, in such a fragile state. She couldn’t help but feel pained and saddened, but she kept a cold expression, firmly grabbing her hand again and sternly scolding, “Are you feverish and losing your mind? What madness has possessed you?!”

Under Jiang Wang’s harsh reprimand, Jiang Huaixi gradually calmed down, but her heart felt increasingly desolate. She resumed her usual appearance, weakly forcing a bitter smile and apologizing, “I’m sorry, I was out of line just now.”

Jiang Wang didn’t even glance at her, standing up and retrieving the medicine soup. She held Jiang Huaixi’s other intact hand, needle in hand, slowly piercing the skin, gradually pushing the needle in.

Due to her deliberately slow movements, Jiang Huaixi felt intense pain, but she endured it without uttering a word.

After finishing the injection, Jiang Wang looked up and coldly asked with malice, “Does it hurt?”

Jiang Huaixi let out a soft grunt but didn’t respond. Jiang Wang was clearly being intentional!

Seemingly unconcerned with her silence, Jiang Wang tidied up the medical kit, then went to the door and carefully brought the medicine soup to Jiang Huaixi’s bedside. Only then did she ask, “Does it still hurt now?”

Jiang Huaixi looked at her in silence for a moment before responding, “I’m feeling better.”

Jiang Wang, seemingly understanding, smiled faintly and said, “You see, even the most excruciating pain will gradually ease with the passage of time. There’s no need to dwell too much on temporary suffering that will eventually fade away. Don’t torment yourself unnecessarily.” With that, she handed the medicine soup to Jiang Huaixi for her to drink.

However, Jiang Huaixi stared at her deeply, and after a long pause, she replied, “If pain could prove the existence of everything that once was, then I am willing to endure prolonged suffering.”

Jiang Wang was taken aback, let out a soft laugh, and turned away.

In that moment before Jiang Wang left, Jiang Huaixi asked her, “If pain truly diminishes and fades away with time, then Jiang Wang, have you forgotten it all?”

Jiang Wang’s steps faltered, the faint smile on her face gradually disappearing, and ultimately, she left in silence.