Solitary Toss of Tenderness

Why are you still being so kind to me?

Lu Zizheng arrived at the hospital a little after two in the morning. She was wearing only a thin sweater, her hair disheveled, her face pale, and her eyes bloodshot. Standing in front of the glass window of the intensive care unit, Lu Zizheng stared fixedly at her mother on the hospital bed, her voice trembling imperceptibly, and asked Jiang Huaixi, “What did the doctor say?”

Jiang Huaixi stood behind Lu Zizheng, looking at her with anguish as she bit her lip, hesitating to tell her, unwilling to break the news. She evaded, saying, “The doctor said we have to wait until she wakes up for a detailed examination.”

Lu Zizheng abruptly turned her head, staring at Jiang Huaixi intently, her gaze sharp, her tone icy, “Huaixi, tell me, don’t lie to me…”

Jiang Huaixi was taken aback, took a deep breath, remained silent for a moment, and then confessed in a hoarse voice, “Terminal stage gastric cancer. We… we need to prepare ourselves mentally.”

Lu Zizheng trembled all over, unable to stand steady, took a few steps back, and leaned against the glass of the ICU. In an instant, tears welled up in her eyes and fell down silently.

Jiang Huaixi’s eyes also turned red when she saw Lu Zizheng in such a state. She sniffed and gently took off her own coat, draping it over Lu Zizheng’s thin body. Then she turned around, took a few steps away, made a phone call, and asked someone to bring some food. Afterwards, she returned to Lu Zizheng’s side, standing behind her, silently accompanying her. At this moment, all words of comfort seemed so feeble and powerless.

The food arrived, and Jiang Huaixi opened the food container, took out chopsticks and a spoon, and handed them to Lu Zizheng, saying, “Try to eat a little.”

However, Lu Zizheng didn’t reach out to take them and shook her head, indicating that she had no appetite.

Jiang Huaixi then put down the chopsticks, took the spoon, and scooped up a spoonful of rice, offering it to Lu Zizheng’s mouth.

Lu Zizheng turned her head to look at Jiang Huaixi, her gaze heavy. Jiang Huaixi couldn’t discern its meaning.

After a while, Lu Zizheng finally opened her mouth and ate.

Immediately, Jiang Huaixi scooped up a mouthful of soup and offered it to her.

Lu Zizheng opened her mouth and drank it, then reached out and took the spoon and rice. She lowered her head and hastily ate a few bites before pushing the bowl back to Jiang Huaixi.

Jiang Huaixi didn’t want to force her any further, so she put down the food and took the spoon to drink a few sips of soup herself.

They stayed up until dawn together. Jiang Huaixi had someone buy essential daily necessities and brought clean clothes and breakfast. She pulled Lu Zizheng to the adjacent ward she usually used for grooming. Lu Zizheng was initially unwilling to leave, but Jiang Huaixi calmly said, “Don’t you want Auntie not to see you looking so haggard and worry about you?”

Lu Zizheng reluctantly left.

In the morning, when Mama Lu woke up, the ventilator was removed, and Lu Zizheng and Jiang Huaixi followed the doctor’s instructions and went in to see her one by one.

Lu Zizheng entered the ward and surprisingly, in front of Mama Lu, she didn’t shed a single tear. Instead, she smiled and comforted her mother, saying, “Mom, don’t worry. The doctor said there’s nothing serious, and you’ll get better in a few days.”

Mama Lu knew her own condition very well. She had long known that such a day would come. At this moment, she felt even more heartbroken by Lu Zizheng’s forced smile. She looked at Lu Zizheng with tender eyes, forced a smile, and said, “Yes, Mom is not worried at all. As long as you’re fine, Mom isn’t afraid of anything.”

Lu Zizheng didn’t stay inside for long; she covered her face and went out. She was afraid that if she stayed in the ward for one more second, she would start crying in front of her mom.

Due to several days of illness and a sleepless night, Jiang Huaixi’s voice had already become hoarse. As soon as she entered, she spoke with a low, hoarse voice, “Auntie, I’m sorry.” I’m sorry for not realizing it earlier, I’m sorry for being careless, I’m sorry for being so foolish…

Mama Lu lovingly shook her head and said, “Good child, what fault do you have? It’s Auntie who should apologize to you for making you worry along with me…”

Jiang Huaixi’s eyes turned red, as if a thousand words were stuck in her throat. Finally, in a low and firm tone, she made a heartfelt promise, “Auntie, don’t worry about Zizheng, I’m here…”

Mama Lu smiled with relief and said, “With those words from you, Auntie can rest assured.”

The next day, at Mama Lu’s insistence, she left the intensive care unit and was transferred to a regular double room specially arranged by Jiang Huaixi. One bed was for Mama Lu, and the other bed was for Lu Zizheng to rest on.

With the submission of Mama Lu’s previously hidden medical records and the hospital’s follow-up examinations, the hospital has confirmed that Mama Lu is in the late stage of gastric cancer, with limited time remaining.

When Lu Zizheng learned this news from the director’s office, she stood up straight, calmly thanked the director, and then walked out expressionless. Jiang Huaixi, concerned, hurriedly caught up with her, but Lu Zizheng turned back and lightly refused, “Huaixi, don’t tell my mom. I want some time alone.”

As the evening approached and the sky darkened, Lu Zizheng returned with dinner, appearing as usual. However, her swollen and red eyes betrayed her. Upon entering the ward, Lu Zizheng composedly and with a smile set up a small table for Mama Lu, and obediently said, “Mom, look at the delicious food I brought for you…”

Jiang Huaixi sat on the other bed, looking at Lu Zizheng’s clearly swollen and teary eyes, her own eyes dimmed.

The other bed in the ward seemed unused. Lu Zizheng hardly ever climbed onto the bed to rest, causing both Mama Lu and Jiang Huaixi to worry that she would collapse. Sometimes they had to sternly scold her and insist that she take a rest for a while.

However, Lu Zizheng’s sleep quality was already poor, and now it had worsened. Despite being extremely exhausted, she would climb onto the bed, almost touching the pillow, and try to sleep. But after a short while, she would startle awake and couldn’t rest until she confirmed that Mama Lu was still lying on the bed, safe and sound.

In just one week, Lu Zizheng became extremely thin, with her form almost skeletal.

On Tuesday afternoon, Lu Zizheng and Jiang Huaixi were both in the ward, chatting with Mama Lu when Lu Zizheng’s phone suddenly rang. Lu Zizheng glanced at the caller ID and saw that it was Ji Yao. She hesitated and didn’t want to answer the call.

Mama Lu urged, “Zizheng, why aren’t you answering the phone?”

After much hesitation, Lu Zizheng reluctantly answered the call.

On the other end of the phone, Ji Yao said, “Lu Zizheng, I’ll be waiting for you at the café across from your translation agency at four o’clock.”

Lu Zizheng was puzzled and asked, “Can’t you tell me what’s going on over the phone?”

Ji Yao, however, insisted mysteriously, “You’ll find out when you come. I’ll be waiting there for you.” After saying that, she abruptly hung up the phone.

Lu Zizheng looked at the disconnected call, furrowing her brow in confusion.

Mama Lu weakly smiled and said, “Zizheng, if there’s something, you should go. I still have Huaixi here with me. Don’t worry about me.”

Lu Zizheng looked at Jiang Huaixi with concern, and Jiang Huaixi nodded to reassure her. After hesitating for a moment, Lu Zizheng finally stood up, put on her coat, and decided to go to the appointment.

After Lu Zizheng left, only Mama Lu and Jiang Huaixi remained in the ward. Jiang Huaixi peeled a fruit for Mama Lu, the peel cut thin and beautifully connected. Mama Lu couldn’t help but praise, “It’s unbelievable. Just a few years ago, you were a pampered young lady who didn’t know anything.”

Jiang Huaixi smiled shyly.

Mama Lu suddenly sighed and said, “Huaixi, you’ve worked hard for Zizheng.”

Jiang Huaixi was taken aback, not knowing how to respond, as she looked at Mama Lu.

Mama Lu stared directly at her, her gaze wise and piercing. “Huaixi, tell Auntie, what are you afraid of?”

The smile on Jiang Huaixi’s face froze, gradually fading away. Under Mama Lu’s gaze, all her hesitation seemed to be laid bare.

She also asked herself, Jiang Huaixi, what are you afraid of?

She recalled that year when she had just recovered from a serious illness and returned to school after taking medical leave. She happened to attend the farewell party organized by the radio station for the seniors. The acknowledged golden boy and girl of the radio station, Huang Ze and Qi Yu, both mysteriously didn’t attend. At that time, as the banquet ended, she walked along the long road by the campus lake with Lu Zizheng. The light from the street lamps stretched their shadows, and a cool breeze brushed against their faces. She looked at Lu Zizheng by her side, countless times yearning to walk with her like this until the end of time. Lu Zizheng slowly descended from the road and walked onto the wooden path by the lake. Her gaze wandered over the surface of the lake as she softly asked, “Huaixi, why do people always make promises they can’t keep? If Huang Ze and Qi Yu had never started, wouldn’t they still be together now? Would they not have the long-lasting regrets and pain that came after their separation? If something cannot last forever, why bother having the joy of having it in the first place?”

At that moment, it felt as if she had been struck heavily on the head, and a chilling sensation crept into her heart. She furrowed her brows, standing behind Lu Zizheng, gazing at her intensely for a long time. Finally, she responded with a heavy voice, “Perhaps.”

Jiang Huaixi had been constantly going in and out of the hospital as long as she can remember. She had become accustomed to calmly dealing with various medical devices and undergoing examinations, never crying out of fear. Having narrowly escaped from the operating table several times, she had learned early on that in life, there were many things that couldn’t be cared for, forced, or envied. All she could do was face them calmly, without fear. The Buddha spoke of the eight sufferings in life: birth, aging, illness, death, encountering what is disliked, parting from what is loved, not getting what is desired, and being unable to let go. She had thought she had already transcended them, but Lu Zizheng appeared in her life and made her experience all the myriad flavors of those sufferings.

She couldn’t dare to make promises she couldn’t guarantee to Lu Zizheng. She wasn’t afraid of her own heartbreak, but she was afraid of seeing Lu Zizheng disappointed and hurt again.

Jiang Huaixi didn’t know how to answer Mama Lu’s question. With myriad emotions swirling in her heart, she finally whispered, “Auntie, I’m sorry, I’m not brave enough…”

Mama Lu sighed and gently patted Jiang Huaixi’s shoulder, kindly saying, “Silly child, Auntie knows you must have difficulties that are hard to express. Just know that if Auntie can entrust Zizheng to your hands, she can leave without worry.”

Jiang Huaixi looked at Mama Lu, her eyes gradually becoming misty with tears.

In the café, Ji Yao sat across from Lu Zizheng, coldly assessing her before speaking sarcastically, “Lu Zizheng, I’m afraid I’ll disappoint you once again.”

Lu Zizheng had no time or energy to listen to her sarcastic remarks and calmly said, “I’m in a hurry, so please get to the point.”

Ji Yao chuckled lightly and took out a check, pushing it towards Lu Zizheng, with an air of superiority. She said, “Lian Xuan asked me to apologize to you. She couldn’t fulfill the promises she made to you. She hopes you can stay out of her sight and stop bothering her. Take a look and fill in the amount on the check.”

In an instant, Lu Zizheng’s expression turned cold. She bit her lip and finally burst into a mocking laughter. She slammed the check on Ji Yao’s table and sneered, “Why don’t you ask her how much her feelings for me are worth? Tell Lian Xuan that in my eyes, she’s already worthless!” Wasn’t the humiliation she received from Lian Xuan enough? Even though she hadn’t taken Lian Xuan’s later promises to heart, she had believed there was a reason behind them and had gradually softened her heart and let go. But in the end, what did Lian Xuan give her in return?

Having said that, Lu Zizheng disregarded Ji Yao’s astonishment. She took a stack of money from her wallet and threw it in front of Ji Yao as payment for the coffee, then she swiftly picked up her bag and walked out without looking back.

As she walked away, Lu Zizheng couldn’t help but shed a tear, but she quickly wiped it away, berating herself. She thought, for someone who played so many tricks on herself, they weren’t worth it at all.

Yet she still felt heartbroken and sad. Why did everyone’s promises carry so little weight? Could it be that promises were just lies told to fools? She despised liars but detested herself, always acting like a fool.

Just as she got into a taxi to return to the hospital, she received a phone call from Jiang Huaixi. Jiang Huaixi’s voice was panicked and lost, “Zizheng, come back quickly, Auntie is back in the emergency room.”

In that instant, Lu Zizheng felt her ears ringing from Jiang Huaixi’s voice, which wasn’t particularly loud. Her phone slipped from her ear and landed on the seat of the car.

Arriving at the hospital, as soon as she stepped out of the car, Lu Zizheng ran towards the emergency room at the fastest speed. From afar, while running towards Jiang Huaixi, she overheard a doctor telling Jiang Huaixi, “Prepare the family…”

The next moment, Lu Zizheng lost all her strength and fell onto the cold hospital floor.

Jiang Huaixi heard the loud sound and quickly looked over to see Lu Zizheng collapsing on the ground. She hurriedly reached out to help, but Lu Zizheng, fueled by an unknown force, pushed Jiang Huaixi with such strength that she stumbled and sat down on the ground.

All the pain and grievances that Lu Zizheng had been suppressing since Mama Lu’s hospitalization erupted at this moment. She cried uncontrollably, gasping for breath, her voice hoarse as she shouted at Jiang Huaixi, “Go away, just go away! Aren’t you all deceiving me? Everyone is leaving me, no one wants me! Just go away, leave me alone…”

Jiang Huaixi tightly pursed her lips, her eyes red, and quietly propped herself up with one hand. Ignoring the scraped skin on her hand, she endured the pain and limped over to Lu Zizheng, squatting down in front of her with aching concern. Opening her arms, she gently embraced Lu Zizheng. Her voice, equally hoarse yet unusually tender, whispered, “Zizheng, don’t be afraid, don’t be afraid, I’m here…”

Lu Zizheng struggled and pushed, trying to break free from Jiang Huaixi’s embrace. She cried and accused, “Didn’t you also reject me? Didn’t you say we can only be good friends? Why are you being so kind to me when in the end, you don’t want me either…”

But Jiang Huaixi held her tightly, unwilling to let go. Lu Zizheng felt something cold trickling down her neck…

Gradually, Lu Zizheng stopped struggling and became quiet. She weakly leaned against Jiang Huaixi’s embrace, allowing Jiang Huaixi to hold her tightly…