Solitary Toss of Tenderness

This time, let me give up on you first

“Xu Baihan, please don’t try to bind me with your legs, with guilt. Don’t let your family look at me with the eyes of a criminal! I don’t love you anymore, I want to move on to a new life, please leave me alone!”

After uttering these words, Jiang Wang clearly saw Xu Baihan’s body tremble violently. She covered her ears with her hands and gradually slumped down, seeming powerless.

Xu Baihan, whose back had been incredibly firm and straight while waiting at the hospital entrance, finally bent down slowly at this moment, bit by bit, becoming hunched. Jiang Wang could only see Xu Baihan’s back, quivering gently with silent sobs.

With a heavy heart, Jiang Wang turned away, unable to bear witnessing Xu Baihan’s heartbroken and distressed state. Clenching her fists, she spoke calmly, “Let’s go, I’ll take you back.”

But Xu Baihan, using an unusually hoarse voice due to choking, tried to steady her trembling and refused, “No need. Let me go alone, let me be alone for a while…” After saying this, she gradually lifted her back, extended her hand, and turned the wheelchair step by step. She painstakingly opened Jiang Wang’s door and did not look back, slowly disappearing from Jiang Wang’s sight, leaving behind a thin, stubborn figure and a room filled with loneliness and desolation.

Standing in place, Jiang Wang heard a “ding” as the elevator sounded. She knew that Xu Baihan was leaving with that elevator, getting farther and farther away from her with each passing second. From now on, she probably wouldn’t look back again.

She finally lifted her feet and walked heavily towards the door. She stared blankly at the empty corridor for a long, long time before weakly raising her hand and slowly closing the door. Afterward, she leaned against the door, having no strength left to support herself, and gradually slid down to the cold floor.

She curled up her legs, hugged her knees with her arms, and buried her face in her knees, trying to grasp something to make herself feel less empty and less uncomfortable.

Xu Baihan had left, and she wouldn’t come back again. Wasn’t this what she wanted?

But why did it feel even more painful, more suffocating, and so unbearable that it seemed difficult to breathe?

Jiang Wang held herself tighter and tighter, and in the end, unable to restrain herself, she opened her mouth and fiercely bit down on her own knee.

She didn’t have a loving and supportive mother to turn to, so when she felt lonely and helpless, she didn’t even have the right to cry out “mom” to ease her fears and pains. Thus, from a young age, when the emotional pain became unbearable, she resorted to biting herself hard. It was as if, by inflicting physical pain, the pain in her heart could somehow diminish.

But this time, even that tactic seemed ineffective. She couldn’t restrain herself any longer and let tears fall. From suppressing silent sobs to eventually breaking into loud wails.

Baihan, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for making you so sad…

When she was little, she didn’t know about her background. She only felt that her parents didn’t treat her as well or as affectionately as they did her brother and sister. Sometimes, they looked at her with a strange expression. At that time, she thought it was because she wasn’t obedient or good enough, so her parents favored her siblings. Thus, she became even more understanding, hoping to win her parents’ favor. She never fought with her sister over toys, never asked her parents for things. At the age of six, she started learning to do her own laundry and dishes, being more obedient and helpful than her brother and sister.

She always believed that as long as she was good and well-behaved enough, her parents would treat her like they did with her brother and sister. They would occasionally hug her, kiss her, and sleep with her in their arms, just as they did with them…

Until one day, she was playing upstairs with her younger sister, competing to see whose spinning top could last longer, and the winner would get to play with the Barbie doll for a day. Her sister lost but threw a tantrum, grabbed the doll, and ran away. She was taken aback, worried that her sister might fall while running, so she chased after her. Little did she know that as soon as she went outside, she saw her sister running on the stairs leading to the first floor, struggling with each short step, and she hurriedly cautioned, “Yun’er, don’t run…” In the next moment, she witnessed her sister lose her balance and tumble down the stairs, crying loudly.

Fortunately, the stairs were not high, and there were only three steps left. Her sister only ended up with a big bump on her forehead and a minor scrape. She felt both heartbroken and afraid, worrying that her mother would blame her for not taking care of her sister and bracing herself for the scolding she was about to receive.

However, to her surprise, when her sister complained to their mother and blamed the fall on Jiang Wang during the toy dispute, her mother didn’t even hesitate. Without a word, she slapped Jiang Wang across the face. The force of the slap left Jiang Wang stunned, her ears ringing, and she stared with disbelief, unable to move due to the pain and grievance.

That day, her face stung with burning pain. After her mother coaxed her sister and left, Jiang Wang hid in the restroom, spitting out the blood that came from that slap. She sat on the floor and cried for a long, long time.

In the evening, she didn’t go downstairs for dinner. She yearned so much for her mother to turn around, comfort her, and console her. But apart from her brother coming up once to call her, no one paid her any attention.

The night grew deep, but Jiang Wang still couldn’t fall asleep. She wondered if her mother was just too angry, which is why she treated her so harshly. Should she explain to her mother and tell her that she didn’t do it on purpose? Would her mother hold her and feel sorry for her when she realized the misunderstanding, knowing her teeth were bleeding and in pain?

With this possibility in mind, she quickly rolled out of bed and rushed out without even putting on her shoes.

However, when she stood outside her parents’ bedroom with hopeful anticipation, all she heard was her mother’s voice filled with disdain and resentment, saying, “She usually appears harmless and meek, but she viciously pushed Yun’er down the stairs. If it weren’t for the money her father gives her, I wouldn’t want her to stay a single moment longer! Her mother, a fox spirit like that, what good can she possibly produce? All she knows is how to act like a cheap person!”

In that moment, Jiang Wang raised her hand, prepared to knock on the door, but she froze. Being sensitive and precocious from a young age, she instantly understood the implications behind those words.

She put her hand down and turned back to her room, expressionless.

On that night, she suddenly understood what those strange expressions she had seen in her so-called parents’ eyes meant. It was disdain, it was contempt, and occasionally, there might be a hint of pity. Hahaha, but there was just no love that she longed for.

From that day on, she would never argue or fight with others when neighbors laughed at her for being an unwanted child. She would no longer try to seek her parents’ love, and she hadn’t spoken a word to her sister since then.

Some forms of love are innate, like the love of parents. If one can have it, they are fortunate. However, she resigned herself to her fate. Perhaps she was destined to have such a wretched life, without the blessings of parental love like others, unable to enjoy the unparalleled affection bestowed upon those fortunate enough to have loving parents.

While family love is inherently predetermined, she wondered if romantic love could be earned through effort.

In her heart, Jiang Wang made a vow that someday, when she falls in love with someone, she will love them deeply, making them feel her love, melting their hearts, and making them the most important person in her life.

Xu Baihan didn’t know that, in fact, the moment Jiang Wang first saw her, she was captivated by her.

At that time, Jiang Wang looked into Xu Baihan’s big eyes full of smiles, the gentle smile at the corner of her lips, and how she cared for her younger brother with such kindness. She felt that Xu Baihan’s warmth was like the sun.

With more and more interactions, Jiang Wang became increasingly infatuated with Xu Baihan. She thought, if she could be loved by someone as gentle as Xu Baihan, she would surely be very happy, right?

After numerous sleepless nights, she made up her mind to fight for a chance.

She knew that some things were not destined to come easily to her; she could only rely on her own efforts.

Filled with hope and passion, she was not afraid of Xu Baihan’s coldness. She endured Xu Baihan’s hesitation and wavering, giving her all and loving Xu Baihan wholeheartedly, in hopes of winning her love.

Xu Baihan stood her up countless times, because of her parents, her younger brother, and even because of classmates. She waited until ice creams melted, fireworks faded, and cakes went stale, accepting everything with a smile whenever Xu Baihan said, “I’m sorry, it wasn’t intentional.”

She told herself that it didn’t matter, that there were many people more important than her now, and it was just because she wasn’t Xu Baihan’s most beloved yet, that’s why Xu Baihan prioritized others over her.

But when that year, on her birthday, Xu Baihan traveled a long distance and lied to her parents to be with her, she truly believed that she had won the love of the person she loved, and that Xu Baihan finally loved her the most. She thought she could be the most important person in someone else’s heart, the person they loved the most.

However, at the beach, when she saw Xu Baihan’s departing figure, the moment she realized Xu Baihan had given up, she was filled with despair. She understood that she was still just someone who could be abandoned and forsaken by others. In this world, there was no one who truly couldn’t live without her.

In the many years after being rescued, Jiang Wang couldn’t forgive Xu Baihan. She felt that Xu Baihan betrayed her wholehearted and genuine efforts. She was willing to overturn the entire world just to put Xu Baihan’s reflection back in place. But what response did Xu Baihan give her? Jiang Wang was willing to give up everything, even her own life, for Xu Baihan, but she should not have been abandoned like that. Xu Baihan made her feel like everything was her own misunderstanding and that her love had been betrayed.

However, many years later, today, after more than a decade of experiences and life lessons, she finally understood that it was probably because she had never received love and had been an orphan in this world. The only person she loved was Xu Baihan.

On the other hand, Xu Baihan had received so much love, and what she gave to Jiang Wang was just one of many. It was destined that she could only receive a portion of Xu Baihan’s love, and her place in Xu Baihan’s heart could only be a tiny one.

Jiang Wang knew better than anyone about Xu Baihan’s kindness.

Therefore, she could never occupy the most important place in Xu Baihan’s heart, and she could never make Xu Baihan sacrifice everything for her. In any future conflict or confrontation, she would still be the one who got abandoned.

But, Xu Baihan, I am a paranoid lunatic. I understand you, I forgive you, and I still love you, but I don’t want to be with you anymore.

I don’t want to wait anxiously for the next time I will be abandoned. Let me maintain the status quo, no longer hope, and no longer be hurt.

So, this time, give me the choice, let me be the one to let go of you first.