Solitary Toss of Tenderness

You have loved me more than you ever imagined

Sitting on the car arranged by Xu Baihan, heading towards Linzhou, Jiang Wang lowered her head, her gaze fixed on the small box placed on her knee. Her eyes were heavy, and her expression was cold. After a long while, she finally reached out and held the box, slowly opening it…

Inside the box, there was a neatly stacked pile of letters. Jiang Wang gently lifted one, and it could be seen that the envelopes, from bottom to top, went from old to new. Evidently, they had accumulated little by little over the years.

Jiang Wang slightly furrowed her brows, bit her lip, and pulled out a letter from the bottom. She lightly rubbed the envelope between her index finger and thumb, hesitating for a moment, then opened the stiffened, creaking envelope and took out the letter inside.

The letter paper had been folded into the shape of an exquisite heart, and the paper itself was adorned with patterns and lace, something Jiang Wang had never seen before. The blue background had a touch of elegance, contrasting sharply with the simple and ordinary response letters she usually received from Xu Baihan. Jiang Wang narrowed her eyes, scanning each word in the letter, her brow furrowing deeper and deeper…

This was likely the reply letter Xu Baihan had written to her after she had written him her first letter.

In this letter, Xu Baihan’s words were warm and lively. She expressed her surprise and joy that Jiang Wang had taken the initiative to write to her. She also conveyed her astonishment and inexplicable fondness for Jiang Wang’s initial aloof impression. She went on and on about her own matters and, in the end, somewhat hesitantly expressed her hope that if Jiang Wang found it convenient, she could invite her over to her house on holidays. At the end of the letter, beneath the signature, there was a cute little caricature of Jiang Wang and Xu Baihan.

Jiang Wang tightly held these three thick sheets of letter paper. For a moment, she felt a mixture of joy and annoyance, a desire to cry, and a desire to laugh. She had never known that Xu Baihan was such an enthusiastic and talkative person. Nor did she know that when Xu Baihan received her first letter, she had felt so delighted and happy. Jiang Wang had always thought that Xu Baihan’s feelings towards her at that time were cold and indifferent, as if she ignored her.

You see, back then, the only contents of Xu Baihan’s reply letter that actually reached Jiang Wang’s hands were just a thin sheet of paper with three short lines: “Hello, Yun Bo, I’m glad to receive your letter.” Jiang Wang had stared at the envelope for a while, wondering if Xu Baihan had forgotten to include another sheet of letter paper. Such a lukewarm response was clearly not within Jiang Wang’s expectations. So much so that when Jiang Wang was writing her second letter to Xu Baihan, she hesitated for a long time.

Indeed, Jiang Wang didn’t know that upon receiving her letter, Xu Baihan was overjoyed and couldn’t wait to write back. She spent the entire night writing a lengthy reply, not even bothering with her homework. After filling three whole sheets with her response, she went to bed contentedly. However, upon waking up the next day, Xu Baihan sat on her bed and started worrying. She wondered if she had been too enthusiastic, and if she might have scared Yun Bo away. So, she edited and revised, wanting to say a lot, but not daring to say too much. In the end, she was left with just those simple three sentences. After sending it out, Xu Baihan regretted it, especially during the long period when she didn’t receive a second letter from Jiang Wang. Almost every day, she was consumed by regret. Just as Xu Baihan was about to give in to the urge to write to Jiang Wang herself, Jiang Wang sent her the second letter.

Jiang Wang pulled out a few more letters from the bottom, opened them, and read them carefully line by line. Unconsciously, her nose began to feel a bit sour…

After she and Xu Baihan had started becoming a bit ambiguous, whenever she wrote a letter to Xu Baihan, the first line never failed to include the phrase, “Baihan, I miss you.” However, in Xu Baihan’s replies, there was never any response to this sentiment. At that time, Xu Baihan’s letters to her were always subdued, balanced, emotionally restrained yet filled with self-control. Each letter resembled a high-level reading comprehension exercise, requiring Jiang Wang to ponder for a long time, considering what certain phrases meant, wondering if particular sentences held any special significance. Carefully and cautiously, she scrutinized and searched for Xu Baihan’s distinct emotions toward her.

Yet, in these unsent letters, Xu Baihan’s language was so straightforward, and the emotions were restrained yet not lacking sweetness. From within those letters, Jiang Wang could see the passionate love that 16-year-old Xu Baihan once had for her, the fervent fondness and attachment Xu Baihan held. It was not the one-sided pursuit and unrequited love that had once disheartened her.

Gradually, Jiang Wang leaned back on the car seat, slowly closed the box, furrowing her brows tightly, and closed her eyes with a gaze filled with pain and confusion.

Xu Baihan, if it’s true that you love me, then how do you explain this rational clarity and self-restraint? However, if you don’t love me, then how do you account for your gradual indulgence, surrender, and descent?

Xu Baihan, could it be that, in reality, you might have loved me more than you ever imagined?

But now, with everything that has happened, with all the secrets and memories contained within this box, what meaning does it hold beyond causing myself more pain?

Jiang Wang held the box tightly and earnestly asked herself, “If there were ‘ifs,’ if I could do it over again, Yun Bo, would you still choose to fall in love with Xu Baihan?”

Since Xu Baihan’s return to Linzhou, Xu Baitao would call Xu Baihan every day, engaging in casual conversation with her. One reason was to divert Xu Baihan’s attention, and the other was to subtly gauge her emotions.

However, today, when he called Xu Baihan, her phone’s response was that it had been turned off. Xu Baitao’s heart skipped a beat, and he suddenly felt inexplicably anxious.

He quickly dialed Mother Xu’s number, inquiring about Xu Baihan’s whereabouts. Upon hearing from Mother Xu that she had gone to a resort to relax, Xu Baitao’s hand holding the phone trembled so much that he almost dropped it.

Mother Xu sensed that something seemed off with Xu Baitao and asked him with a hint of curiosity, “What’s wrong?” However, she only heard Xu Baitao restrain himself from shouting at her in anger, “How could you let her go alone!” and then the line went busy.

Xu Baitao hung up the phone, grabbed his car keys, and rushed to the parking lot. His heart was pounding so fast it was almost unbearable. Running towards the parking lot, he kept praying in his mind, “Sis, please, I beg you, don’t scare me…”

The journey from Linzhou to the resort, which normally took over three hours, was forced by Xu Baitao into just a little over two hours. Yet, no matter how urgent he was, how unwilling, or how fearful, his worries ultimately turned into reality.

The villa at the resort had its front door tightly shut. He inserted the key with trembling hands, turned it, and pushed the door open. Anxiously, he called out for Xu Baihan again and again, “Sis, sis, are you here…” The only response he received was a haunting silence that sent shivers down his spine.

He rushed to Xu Baihan’s bedroom, finding no one there. He opened the bathroom door, but she wasn’t there either. He raced out of the room, checking each room on the second and third floors one by one. Each room was empty and vacant, devoid of Xu Baihan’s presence. He immediately turned around and dashed downstairs. Just as he was about to rush out of the front door, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a pristine white paper lying quietly on the glass table in the living room. For a moment, his steps faltered, and he hesitated to approach…

He finally picked up that piece of paper, his eyes widening in shock, and let out a pained choked sound…

It was Xu Baihan’s farewell letter.

She wrote, “Mom, Dad, I’m sorry. I was willful, and I can never repay what I owe you in this lifetime, only in the next. Baitao, take good care of Mom and Dad.”

“Baitao, if you want me to depart in peace, don’t disturb Jiang Wang, never tell her. I beg you. I owe her too much, so let me, in the end, grant her a tranquil remaining life.”

“All these years, I’ve held on for so long, but she’s still not coming back, and neither can we return. Forgive me, I don’t have the courage to continue on alone. Let everything begin and end from where it should. I’m going to find Yun Bo. I’m leaving, and I’m leaving with peace and contentment, so please don’t worry or grieve for me. I’m sorry, thank you.”

“Xu Baihan’s Final Words”

The car had been driving for over an hour when, midway through the journey, Jiang Wang suddenly realized that due to her hasty departure, she had left her wallet at Xu Baihan’s villa. Even her identification card was inside.

Despite feeling extremely frustrated and reluctant, Jiang Wang had no choice but to take out her phone and call Xu Baihan, asking her to arrange for someone to send it to her.

However, Xu Baihan’s phone was turned off.

Jiang Wang was taken aback for a moment and felt an inexplicable sense of unease.

She comforted herself, thinking that perhaps Xu Baihan’s phone had run out of battery, and she could contact her once they returned to Linzhou.

Leaning back on the car seat, closing her eyes, her mind was filled with the image of Xu Baihan’s radiant smile and the word “goodbye” that she had just seen. In that moment, there seemed to be something in Xu Baihan’s eyes…

Her heart suddenly felt like it had been tugged, and Jiang Wang quickly opened her eyes.

She couldn’t shake off her worries, so she instructed the driver, “Could you please turn back? I left something behind.”

On the way back, Jiang Wang grew increasingly anxious, her fists clenched tightly. Unable to bear it any longer, she pleaded with the driver, “Could you please drive a bit faster?”

An hour later, she returned to that familiar place. From a distance, she saw that the gate of the villa was wide open, and inside, it was empty and desolate. Looking in from afar, everything appeared gloomy, and an unsettling premonition grew stronger.

Jiang Wang’s body felt weak for a moment…

She practically sprinted with the speed of a hundred meters, flung open the car door, and rushed into the villa. Without caring about anything else, she loudly called out for Xu Baihan, “Xu Baihan, Xu Baihan…”

However, Xu Baihan didn’t respond gently as before, “Yun Bo, I’m here, what’s wrong…”

She stood at the doorway, scanning her surroundings, attempting to find any trace of Xu Baihan’s presence. With one glance, she spotted a white piece of paper on the ground not far away, and she could faintly make out the words “Xu Baihan’s Final Words”…

Jiang Wang’s breath caught, her legs trembling as she slowly shuffled towards the paper. Bending down, she picked up the sheet and quickly scanned its contents.

In the next instant, Jiang Wang cried out in a frenzy, “Ah…” and threw the paper away, rushing into Xu Baihan’s bedroom, into her bathroom, and ascending to the second and third floors, searching room by room. “Baihan, Xu Baihan, come out, come out now…”

But all that answered her were her own hoarse and dissonant cries echoing back.

Jiang Wang retraced her steps and dashed downstairs again, taking three steps at a time. When she was only about ten steps away from the first floor, her hurried pace led to an unstable step, causing her to tumble forward and roll down…

As Jiang Wang landed, she fell face down on the ground, motionless. Yet, within mere seconds, she managed to prop herself back up.

In the moment she stood up, blood began to seep from her hair, tracing down her cheek in tiny rivulets. However, Jiang Wang seemed oblivious, swiftly getting to her feet and striding towards the door. She pulled open the car door and, her voice choked with tears, loudly instructed the driver, “Head to the beach on Huaihai Road!”

The driver turned to look, startled by the blood drops still falling from Jiang Wang’s cheek. He froze in shock, his face pale.

Jiang Wang didn’t have the patience to deal with his astonishment. Fuming with frustration, she shouted, disregarding everything else, “I said go to the beach on Huaihai Road, can’t you hear me? Hurry up!”

Startled by her yelling, the driver scrambled to turn back and start the car, stammering, “Yes, yes, I’ll drive…”

The distance to Huaihai Road wasn’t far, and in his startled state, the driver sped the car recklessly. In just five minutes, Jiang Wang felt as though it had been an eternity, as if fifty years had passed. It was long enough for her to reminisce about every moment from when she first met Xu Baihan until now. Long enough for her to mentally sketch Xu Baihan’s every expression, over and over again, until her eyes grew red, and tears streamed down her cheeks…

As soon as the driver’s car came to a halt at the beach on Huaihai Road, Jiang Wang impatiently swung open the car door before it had fully stopped and hurriedly made her way down to the shore.

She saw, not far away on the sea, waves washing over a silver wheelchair with each surge, gradually pulling the wheelchair towards the center of the ocean. The wheelchair was empty…

In an instant, Jiang Wang’s legs gave way beneath her as she knelt down on the sand.

As she tried to stand back up, Jiang Wang realized that her right leg was in excruciating pain. With eyes wide and tearing up, she gritted her teeth and forced herself to stand, continuing to run towards the shore…

Yet out of nowhere, a figure suddenly appeared and swiftly charged towards her. Before she knew it, a punch was thrown right at her face, causing Jiang Wang to lose her balance and fall backward.

Blood sprayed from Jiang Wang’s nose, and amid the buzzing in her head, she faintly heard Xu Baitao’s voice, tinged with anger and tears, “Are you happy now that you’ve driven her to this? Are you happy? You bastard…”

Her collar was tightly grabbed, and she was lifted off the ground. Through her blurred vision, she saw Xu Baitao’s bloodshot eyes glaring at her with intense malice. In the next moment, his hand rose and struck her abdomen with a punch, causing Jiang Wang to fall to the ground in pain.

Jiang Wang pressed her hand against the sand, using it to prop herself up and keep from collapsing. Blood and sweat covered her face as she looked up at Xu Baitao. Suddenly, she burst into a low, eerie laughter, a crazed smile forming on her face.

Unsteadily, she got to her feet, and in Xu Baitao’s stunned state, she lunged forward and delivered a punch to his face, catching him off guard and causing him to stumble.

Turning around, Jiang Wang took step after unsteady step towards the shoreline, her voice already hoarse and barely audible, “Get lost… Xu Baitao, don’t ever meddle in mine and Baihan’s world again!”

Xu Baitao seemed provoked, snapping out of his daze. He rushed forward and grabbed Jiang Wang’s frail body, his eyes turning red with madness. He held her tightly, seemingly intent on taking her into the sea, shouting, “Let’s die together then! If we die, we’ll be free. All three of us will die, and you’ll be happy, right? Is this the result you wanted? The whole world will only see you, and my sister will only love you, won’t she?”

Jiang Wang struggled with all her strength, using her elbows to forcefully jab at Xu Baitao’s stomach and chest. In the end, she managed to twist away from his grip, and with a swift kick, she hit Xu Baitao’s groin, causing him to release his hold and crouch down in pain.

“Baihan must have wanted you to live well. She owes me for a lifetime.”

Jiang Wang gazed at the drifting wheelchair, her body trembling but her footsteps determined and firm. Her face, stained with crimson blood, revealed a hint of enchanting tenderness in her smile.

“Baihan, don’t be afraid. I’ll come to be with you now. Be good, wait for me…”