Sweet CEO's First Love

Kaylen stared after him wondering just what the heck he had been thinking when he crushed Quintin like that.

This was his best friend, they had shared baths together as a kid. Slept over in each other's beds, borrowed each other's slightly less stinky clothes. Listened to music together when Quintin was down because some loser had made fun of Quintin again. This was the guy he had showered together, watched movies with. Played every sport and more than a few different instruments together. They had graduated from every school together. Gone to the same college for two years and even moved in together when they moved out of their parents' places.

They celebrated every holiday together. 

Everything…

And he had just broken his heart like it was some girl he didn't care about at all.

But he still couldn't pick up his feet to follow him down the hill.

Because if he did he was giving Quintin hope. And he had already betrayed his friend for too long by pretending Quintin's little crush would disappear.

But it was a lie, he had known it was more than a little crush. He had known that Quin loved him, and he had done nothing about it. It was selfish but he could count on Quin, when life was hard, or he was hurting Quin was there to remind him that everything could be okay.

It was like when he turned that key in the door and opened it to that smile waiting for him that the cloud over his soul would rain just a little less, his hardships would seem a little less hard. 

But he had been dating Emily for a full two years secretly the first year, and the last year openly, even if his mom's never said anything. He could still feel their hope that they would be late bloomers. It wasn't like they were pressing him, telling him he had to be gay. Maybe they saw something he didn't. Something he just didn't understand. But he knew in his heart he loved Emily a lot and that wasn't fake, that wasn't something that would just go away. He wasn't gay.

But his parents were always saying just because he wasn't gay didn't mean he didn't love Quintin… But they were wrong. It wasn't like that.

And even if it was…. Well the moment he said he loved him back. People would just assume he was gay, and expect him to just be like… like how his family was, how the whole community they were a part of just was. He would be gobbled alive, he would never again be Kaylen. Just Kaylen.

He had seen enough of what being open looked like. It wasn't all rainbows and lights, like they wanted to paint it to be. It was hard. It was downright disgusting and ugly sometimes.

He didn't want to live in that world anymore, in fact he wanted to run so far away from it that the spotlight couldn't reach him anymore. 

Maybe that's why he was going to Africa to volunteer. Maybe that's why he was running away. He had never belonged to the world they had him in. They had never tried to mold him into or push it on him. Not really. Sure there was the normal I love you no matter what you choose. This is a safe place where all identity is welcome.

But it was still all too much. 

They didn't even realize how hard it was to belong to that family who would see nothing wrong with sunbathing naked in their backyard, even if he said he was bringing friends over.

The family that walked down the street pinching each other's asses like they were in highschool, even though they were two grown women in their late forties.

They were so public and overly honest about everything, it didn't matter what country they were in. They were themselves.

Kaylen had known just how different that really was, from a pretty young age and it drove him nuts that it seemed like he was the only one who cared about any of it. 

Even Quintin was so open and accepting. His dad's the exact same way, open arms that said. You are who you are, and we accept that. 

But it just wasn't him. He liked routine. He liked having a purpose, strict rules to follow. He liked knowing that a space was meant for the things it was meant for. He liked privacy being private, and affairs of the heart to stay where they belonged. In a space for two.

He had really taken a chance by bringing Tin here to their tree. He should have known. But to him this was their space, it was secluded, it was private. It was a safe place to open up his heart and let Tin know. That in his heart they were just friends. 

It was a safe space to be vulnerable and say I want to elope because I am too scared to have a wedding. I am scared to marry Emily, and that if I do I will lose my best friend.

He had hoped being in their special place would lessen the blow, it hadn't. It was all a mistake. There was no safe place to tell Quin this, there was no safe place to tell someone you were breaking their heart. There was no place in the world where it was an acceptable thing to ask someone to fake marry you so you could cover up the truth, by using their real feelings for you.

But a part of him that had stupidly come up with this plan had hoped he would say yes. He had hoped that Quin would be his, for a short time. For a few months, the two of them really close again, no rift caused by their busy lives. No rift in from the world and the paths they were leading steering so far from each other. He had hoped it could bring the two of them back together for a short time.

But most of all he had hoped it could give them both some closure. 

Some closure on this friendship that had always been so close they had felt like more than.

Than alone, more than just friends… more than family.

Just more than.

He had desired that closure, because he was scared to make such a big step.

Moving across the world, felt like he was moving to a different planet. But he had this in his heart since he was a little kid. He had always wanted to go to doctors without borders. He had always known that he couldn't stay here.

And Quintin had never wanted to stay either, he wanted to move to New York, to follow his musical dreams.

So if he wanted to go, why couldn't Kaylen.

He just wished that Quintin could have seen where he was coming from.

That he wasn't trying to break Quintin to pieces. He just had wanted to give Quin that love he so desired, even if for a short time. Even if it wasn't real… even if they couldn't actually be together.

They already were with each other in everything, nothing really had to change. Just a ring to signify to everyone else that they could back off now and leave the two of them to love whoever now.

'Well now that you have made a right mess of things, I suppose you better head back down to this dumb thanksgiving feast and pretend everything is fine again.'

He knew he should, but his heart weighed a million tons and his footsteps led away from his family home and back towards their flat.