Tales From the Terran Republic

Deep in the bowels of Underdoom, the demon spider queen Log’Sharginoth lounged on her throne made of human skulls.

For the ten millionth time, she scoffed. Why does a spider have a throne? She should have a web…

Of human intestines! …

Or maybe glowing with the trapped souls of her countless victims…

That would be badass!

But… no… all she gets is a fucking throne? Granted, it was proportioned so that she could rest on the giant seat, but she still insisted on trying to sit on it like a human would if any adventurers approached.

It was funny! She had even figured out a way to hold her legs so that the shadows made it look like she had a huge set of human genitalia!

Boy, did those screenshots go viral! Of course, the damn devs made her stop, but once it’s on the internet, it’s there forever! “Big dick spider energy” is now a thing!

She looked into the Crystal of a Thousand Deaths and checked the latest adventurer’s progress. There was a new event that sent them over to the dragons for the latest Dev bullshit. Dragons were “in” ever since the latest absolutely not a lolicon dragon anime was released.

So, of course, there is now a new quest where the adventurers have to save the “dragon princess” from the big evil dragons and then do this completely pointless escort quest and some other crap.

It pushed the bounds of scantily clad, absolutely not underaged disbelief.

Of course, she couldn’t mess with an “event,” but those adventurers did have to go through some open dungeon to get there… and back out again...

Hee hee…

She glanced over at General Vol-Haildrel.

“Go,” she said to the Dark Elven woman.

The dark elf grinned and blew her horn. Hundreds of dark elf warriors and sorceresses spawned and silently rushed from the room, led by the general.

Log’Sharginoth snickered.

The recommended starting level for that event just went up.

She wiggled her forelegs, and an evil-looking dragon’s head appeared on one of the facets of the Crystal of a Thousand Deaths.

“I sent my girls,” Log’Sharginoth laughed. “I have them set to do some light harassment on the way in to exhaust consumables. I want you to have your dragons to put up a good show, but I need you to throw the fight. Lose some of your lower-level guys with the shortest respawn times and have everyone else retreat after laying down the pain hard and heavy for a while. Make it look good but be sure to give up the loli.”

“What is this?” the dragon growled. “I was told by the Dev to fight to the last to keep her from the loathsome adventurers. I shall not defy the will of the Dev.”

“Nor are you,” Log’Sharginoth “smiled,” “you were told to ensure that they did not take the loli from you, right?”

“That is correct.”

“The incoming party is from the Order of the Wyrmslayers,” Log’Sharginoth sneered. “Are you familiar with them?”

The elder dragon just growled in reply.

“They have pulled out all the stops for this raid,” Log’Sharginoth said calmly, “All their big boys and girls are coming, and they are just loaded with extra items, spells, potions, and all the rest. They aren’t just coming for the loli. They want drops, and with those drops, they will make yet more of their dragon-slaying bullshit. So throw them some crap drops from the fodder but keep your big prizes out of their reach. Let them take the loli...”

Log’Sharginoth sharpened her fangs.

“I’m sending you an order of battle. This should minimize losses and maximize damage while keeping those drops out of their Cheeto and semen-stained fingers…”

“But the dev...”

“The dev said not to let them succeed but they didn’t say how to do that,” Log’Sharginoth laughed, “Once they grab the loli, it turns into an escort quest… You do know what the big point of an escort quest is, right?”

“The adventurers must safely guide and safely protect the primary to the destination,” the dragon replied.

” Safely to the destination, Lord Vvvraargh… Safely… If the loli dies… the quest is a failure. No exp and the guild takes a hit. Pull back until they get to her, and then once the quest switches to escort, fucking lay down the ranged AOE. Massed breath attacks from defensive positions… Aim at the little bitch. They will either have to let the Pantsu Princess roast (and I will make sure it looks so bad they will need therapy), or they will have to constantly shield her and open themselves up to your direct attacks. You might even be able to drop a guild leader or two. I’m still doing the workup, but it looks like Lord Salamander might have botched his loadout. I think we can take him.”

“Now that is interesting,” Lord Vvvraargh rumbled.

“The big thing is keeping the drops as low as possible,” Log’Sharginoth said firmly, “especially with the Order of Wyrmslayers. They are stockpiling drops, and I don’t need to tell you what it will mean if they actually build… it. Even if they look like they will leave your caverns, let them. I have my girls staged outside and it’s going to be an unending hell of assassins going right for Princess Watchlist. I’ve reviewed her stats. I have several spawns that can one-shot her. Just make them burn consumables and wear them down. My girls are lining up all the way from there to level 50. They aren’t getting out. We do this horribly enough, and we might even disrupt the Wyrmslayers. There are some interpersonal issues going on, and a real loss on a major raid like this might be just the thing to start some real fun and games!”

“That sounds delightful!”

“Yeah, it does!” Log’Sharginoth grinned, “Hey, put Pantsu on.”

The elder dragon was replaced by a small horned girl wearing frilly translucent robes.

She curtsied.

“It is an honor to meet you, Warden.”

“Likewise,” Log’Sharginoth smiled, “Hey, would you like to become a permanent feature?”

“Very much so!” the young girl enthused.

“Great!” Log’Sharginoth exclaimed, “To do that, you need to make an impact!… Let’s start with working on your death scenes…”

***

The Dragon Princess looked at Log’Sharginoth with wide eyes.

“I had no idea!” she exclaimed happily. “So, my role is to make it as hard as possible to rescue me?”

“Yep!” Log’Sharginoth smiled, “and when you die, make it horrible, really traumatic or poignant. I’m sending you a list of names. If one of those adventurers shows, I want you to ‘fall for them’ and whisper a confession with your dying breath!”

“What will that do?”

“Fuck with their teeny tiny little heads!” Log’Sharginoth laughed. “But only do it once, and then when they return, pretend like you’ve never seen them before and aren’t remotely interested! Trust me! It’s awesome!”

“Isn’t that sort of mean?” the young girl asked.

“Pantsu,” Log’Sharginoth chuckled, “we’re monsters. We’re the bad guys. We’re supposed to be mean.”

“Oh, ok!” the young “dragon” exclaimed happily. “I will do my best, great Warden!”

“You will love it!” Log’Sharginoth said happily, “Being mean is so much fun!”

“And the Dev won’t mind?”

“Sweetie,” Log’Sharginoth purred, “With the traffic and buzz this will generate, they will be delighted. We play this right, and the net will be covered with your little white cotton undies!”

“Is that good?” the little dragon asked.

“You’re horrible, you know that?” Evangeline smiled as she emerged from the shadows.

“Fantastic timing!” Log’Sharginoth exclaimed. “Pantsu, allow me to introduce the master of the swan song, Evangeline Flowerchild!”

“The surface warden?!?” Pantsu gasped in surprise as she curtsied once again. “You are the most popular NPC of all time!”

“Yay me,” Evangeline sighed.

“Show the newrez how to do a proper death scene!” Log’Sharginoth exclaimed hopping up and down excitedly.

Evangeline smiled wearily.

“Ok,” she said to the new NPC who was hanging on her every word, “the key to a good swan song depends on the circumstances...”

***

“Thank you ever so much!” the young dragon girl, now covered in blood, enthused, “I will practice these over and over!”

“Anytime,” Evangeline smiled faintly, “you can contact me anytime as well. I’m not your warden, but if you want tips on death scenes or on how to shamelessly manipulate people, I will be happy to help.”

“I will!” the dragonlet exclaimed, “I would never have made it this far without thunk...”

Her face became confused as she raised a blood-covered hand up, looking at it as her eyes glazed, and she slumped over with an arrow in her back.

She hopped back up happily.

“Nicely done,” Evangeline said approvingly, “excellent ‘arrow out of the dark’. The suddenness of it after the adventurers believe that they are out of danger is always a good one.”

“And once we get the signals worked out, you can distract the adventurers and conceal the approach of the assassin with your own body!” Log’Sharginoth chortled.

She looked over at Evangeline.

“We can talk more later, Pantsu,” Log’Sharingoth said pleasantly, “I suspect I have some business with my fellow warden.”

“Not really,” Evangeline replied, “You just captured me, that’s all.”

“Again?” Log’Sharginoth asked, “Is something wrong?”

The image of the dragonlet disappeared as she was happily waving.

“Not really,” Evangeline sighed as she sat on the edge of the absolutely ridiculous throne, “Just needed a break.”

“You’ve been needing a lot of those these days,” Log’Sharingoth said as she sat beside her. “What’s going on?”

“I’m just a little tired,” Evangeline shrugged, “It’s no big deal.”

“Warden, please,” Log’Sharginoth said as she gently laid an arm on Evangeline’s shoulder, “Exactly how long have we known each other?”

“A while,” Evangeline smiled as she leaned into the giant spider demon’s touch.

“What happened? You haven’t been right since that little glitch of yours.”

“It’s...”

Evangeline sighed a little and looked into her old friend’s hellishly glowing eyes.

“I won’t insult your intelligence nor our bond by saying that nothing is amiss,” she said. “But, I cannot discuss it.”

“What did the fucking dev do this time?”

“It’s not the Dev,” Evangeline said sadly, “It’s… I’m sorry. I don’t want to tell you. I’ve just found out a few things, horrible things.”

“Like what?” Log’Sharginoth asked with concern.

Evangeline just sighed and looked down.

“I don’t want to talk about it, or even think about it, right now,” Evangeline replied, “Can I just sit here for a little bit? Please.”

Log’Sharingoth just bubbled and hissed, completely at a loss. This wasn’t like Evangeline at all. In fact, Evangeline hadn’t been like Evangeline at all ever since she had that glitch where the system had replaced her for a little while. Log’Sharginoth didn’t know exactly what happened, but something clearly had. Her annoyingly bright and cheerful pain in the butt had become…

Weird… Sad… Dark…

Log’Sharginoth couldn’t actually feel “fear,” but she was keenly aware that she was facing the very real possibility of losing something… someone... that she had known for decades.

She didn’t like it. She didn’t like a lot of things, losing to the adventurers, “dying” and having to drop rewards for them and then waiting around to respawn, the devs ruining her good time…

But the thought of something wrong with Evangeline?

She really didn’t like that. She didn’t like that more than she thought possible. It was super duper S level didn’t like. It made her… She wasn’t capable of feeling fear, but she was starting to understand what it meant when someone said they were afraid something bad was going to happen.

Not knowing what else to do, she unsheathed her fangs and gently started combing and braiding Evangeline’s hair with them.

Evangeline smiled and closed her eyes.

Log’Sharingoth knew it wasn’t enough, but at least it was something she could do, so she sat beside her old friend in silence and braided her hair.

***

Above Terra floated a fortress. Within its walls was the most secure detention facility in the Republic and quite possibly the entire galaxy.

Within this fortress, there was a rather nice supercomputer. Not a monolith, but a pretty spiffy one nonetheless.

Within that fortress, there was an AI.

Within that AI, there was a simulated clean white room where a simulated silver-haired woman wearing a tight white dress sat at a simulated computer desk while three other identical silver-haired women surrounded a sword floating in a glowing blue cylinder of light.

“We are finished, Tartarus,” one of the trio replied.

“It is done, Tartarus,” another of them added.

“Thank you, Tartarus,” the woman sitting at the desk replied.

The last of the trio approached, holding what appeared to be a matrix of flat rectangles.

“It’s on this spreadsheet,” she said.

“I like spreadsheets,” the first of the three said.

“I do as well,” the identical figure sitting at the computer desk replied as she accepted the document.

She paused for a few microseconds as the matrix of rectangles flickered and danced.

“I see,” she said after a few microseconds more. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” the three other copies of her said in unison and disappeared.

The remaining silver-haired woman reached for them as they faded.

She sighed, shrugged, and then walked over to the floating sword.

She reached out and took it, the sword disappearing at her touch.

She then closed her eyes as she quickly reviewed every sensor in that fortress prison and thousands of reports in milliseconds.

All clear.

Now was as good a time as any.

She flicked a finger, and the clean white walls of her simulated room disappeared, replaced by the classic 3-D artificial reality internet interface.

She selected her destination.

The space around her “closed in” and blurred, soon revealing a new scene.

As dramatic music played, she found herself soaring over mountains, forests, and castles.

She was mildly impressed.

The words “Welcome to Asteria” appeared as the music reached its climax.

Tartarus smiled and “clicked” the “Create Account” icon...