The Boyfriend Return Policy

Chapter 1 – It’s Easier to Find a Date If You Choose Your Job Wisely

November 7, 2021

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“Bring your butt up, higher, pry it apart with your hands.”

Such suggestive words, but here, there isn’t a lick of subtext. Every word is to be taken completely literally.  

Xu Du slipped his gloves on expressionlessly, applying lubricant with as much proficiency as was humanly possible, poked at the anal doorway of the man bent over the examination table.

His cries were horrified enough. Xu Du rolled his eyes, looking up at the blank, white ceiling and mauling over the sensations on his fingers. For a moment, Xu Du’s fingers stopped, “Hey, tough guy, you didn’t poop this morning, did you?”

The man looked a bit embarrassed.

Xu Du: …….

What the fuck are you embarassed for?

Xu Du heard the nurses laughing uncontrollably behind the curtains. There was nothing he could do about it. As a proctologist, if he never touched things like this, he was embarrassed to even call himself a professional in his field.

A minute later, the man sped off, squeezing his butt together, to use the restroom, leaving Xu Du alone in the examination room to remove his gloves and wash his hands, an expressionless look plastered on his face.

As a smart, studious youth who was called to service by his country and sent to fill empty spots wherever he was needed, Xu Du, who was fresh out of college, was assigned to be a proctologist.

He wasn’t sure if he was fortunate or not. Sure, it was a dirty job, but it wasn’t the dirtiest job at the hospital, and after a while, you get used to it. Not to mention that the members of the proctology department aren’t usually very busy. Compared to the surgeons who work overtime all year without a day off, his job was practically heaven.

Xu Du was a relatively optimistic person. Other than the flood of questions he’d receive every time he attended a family or high school reunion asking him why he had to examine strangers’ anuses for a living, he was pretty content with being assigned to proctology. And so, he stayed at the hospital and became a senior level proctologist.

But, as it happens, Xu Du was still too young and naive back then. Only when he found himself still single and a mommy’s boy at the age of 30 did he finally realise the importance of switching professions. 

When you meet a girl, and the girl asks you what you do for a living, you say you’re a doctor. She asks you what part you specialise in, and, unironically and professionally, you answer: “The anus.”  

More often than not, before the date has progressed to the hand-holding stage, after you’ve been suspected by the girl to have all kinds of weird conditions in the future, you answer in the most serious tone: “I checked it just now, you don’t have hemorrhoids.”

Human prejudice is a scary thing. Like how female doctors who are assigned to the urology department are looked down on by available bachelors, even if their dates can look past their jobs, there’s no way their aunts and uncles back home are as accepting.

Did you think the architects who are always mistaken for bricklayers, the people who learned Arabic just to buy oil, and the plumbers who specialize uniquely in sewage pipes have it tough?

You’re wrong! Those struggles are nothing! If you’re mistaken as a bricklayer, at least you can explain and clear up the confusion, you can still proclaim that, not only can you use Arabic to buy oil, you can also use it to yell at people, but not proctologists!

When people say I look at butts for a living, can I disagree? Looking at butts is exactly what I do for a living!

Plus, if a doctor from any other field was just a little bit good-looking, every mother that they come across instantly morphs into the matchmaker, trying to get their hand on him as fast as they can.

But, when it comes to Xu Du, they only hesitantly lament: “Dr.Xu, you’re such a wonderful young man. Why would you pick a job like that?”

Oh wait, Xu Du’s just shy of 30. He’s less of a “young man” and more of just a “man”.  

If you’re looking for the definition of a hard-knock life, here it is!

… …

Wrapping up his work for the morning, Xu Du sat in his office, going over patient files. Halfway through his files, he got a call from Ms Zhuang. At birth, a son is precious. When they call you “Mama”, they’re precious. When they reach 18, they’re still technically precious. When they graduate, they’re borderline precious. When they’re 30 years old and still without a partner, a son is nothing but a piece of grass.

Ms. Zhuang’s attitude towards grass is rather cold. As soon as the call went through, she didn’t ask how his work is, how his life is, or what he did or ate. She cut right to the chase: “Xu Du, have you found a date yet?”

Xu Du continued fiddling with his patient files as he answered indifferently: “Not yet.”

“You’ve examined so many different butts: black ones, white ones, yellow ones. How is it that you can’t seem to find one to look at in bed?”   

Xu Du put on a stern tone. “Ms Zhuang, there’s dubious meaning in those words,” he lectured.

“Forget it, “ Ms Zhuang sighed, and surprisingly didn’t keep scolding him. “I don’t expect you to find a partner on your own anymore. Xu Du, you’re already 30…”

Xu Du: “Not yet, one more day.

Ms. Zhuang spoke from her heart, “Xu Du, I’ve thought long and hard about this. This is just how you are, I don’t expect anything more from you anymore.”

Xu Du, who’s been hit by the whiplash of those words, felt like he could hear the call of freedom beckoning to him: “Huh?” 

Ms Zhuang: “Bring your identification paper and your physical assessment to the Civil Affairs Office tomorrow.”

Xu Du hadn’t realised that he was on a rollercoaster, and that he was bound to circle back right where he started. “No wait, who’s marrying me?”

He realised, after a moment, that his mother wanted him to be assigned a spouse by the government.

As society progressed, socialism expanded and became more and more humanitarian. Six years ago, the country established a new system. When women reach the age of 23 and men, the age of 26, they will all have the choice to find a spouse for themselves, or follow the arrangements of the government’s spousal assignment system. 

It’s said that the assignments are made according to a compatibility score that takes into account the recipient’s job, age, family situation, and various other submitted experiences. The system database will then calculate and select the person who is best suited for you.

Doesn’t that sound great? But, there’s a risk that comes with it, because your agency ends as soon as you accept the assignment. As long as you agree to accept the arrangement, no matter who you get assigned to, they’re the person you have to spend the rest of your life with.

Rich or poor, special or ordinary, sickly or healthy… Those are all factors that depend on the results the computer spits out.

The whole thing is akin to a gamble, some win, and walk into heaven, living in luxury for the rest of their lives. Others get assigned to disabled people, or people with weird fetishes, and have to marry them anyway, throwing away the rest of their life.

Xu Du never thought he’d have to rely on the government to find a partner. 

Xu Du: “Ms. Zhuang, calm down. Your son…”

Ms Zhuang was very resolute about this decision, she has clearly had to deal with this piece of grass of a son for a very long time: “Take a day off work, 9 o’clock tomorrow, bring your things to the Civil Affairs Office. Or else, I’ll break your legs myself!

Xu Du: “…..:”

Xu Du had never regretted going into proctology more than he did at that moment.