The Boyfriend Return Policy

Chapter 2 – A Superstar With His Pants Off Is Still The Same

December 17, 2021

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As a gifted young man who kept the socialist ideals of freedom close to his heart, Xu Du obviously didn’t go the next day!

So what if he got his legs broken? It would be better than spending the rest of his life on online forums, telling youngsters cautionary tales written in his blood and tears.

In the interest of escaping his mother’s wrath, Xu Du asked for the first two hours of the day off, and he only arrived at the hospital at 10 o’clock.

The moment he entered the hospital, he sensed that something was off. It wasn’t usually very busy in the proctology department, and people from other departments rarely ever come over to visit. Basically, the doctors there meet up in the morning, perform surgeries in the afternoon, and work their shift. If it’s not their shift, they waste no time going off the clock. 

His first thought was that Ms Zhuang had hunted her way to the hospital after all. 

But, after thinking about it, he didn’t think it was likely. If it was Ms. Zhuang who gathered all these people, the commotion would surely have been greater. 

Sure, Xu Du’s perpetual celibacy had nearly driven Ms. Zhuang off the edge, but she was an honoured teacher of the people. There was no way she’d throw away her dignity for a piece of grass like him.

Looking over, Xu Du immediately zeroed in on a group of nurses from the psychology department huddled against the wall. They looked surprised, and their eyes shined with emotion as they discussed something he couldn’t make out. One of them was covering their mouth, as if they were ready to scream.

“Ahem,” Xu Du walked over, trying to overhear more information, but as soon as they saw him coming, the smiles and excitement on their faces dulled. 

“Dr. Xu, we were just wondering where you were this morning, sir.” 

Xu Du raised an eyebrow at the word “sir”: “Something came up this morning, I took two hours off.”

“Oh,” the nurse nearest to him giggled, “then you’d better get to work, sir, someone asked for you. They’ve been waiting.”

“Yup yup yup,” the rest of the nurses agreed awkwardly. 

They pushed Xu Du towards his office. These people were unusually brave and welcoming today, with a hint of ulterior motives, and they didn’t even seem to care whether the head nurse caught them slacking off. 

“Okay, okay.” Xu Du waved them away and smoothed out his wrinkled shirt. As the handsomest doctor in his department, he had to make at least minimal efforts to keep up appearances. “I’m going to my office.”

The Second Hospital was a relatively old hospital. While renovations were lacking, they were rather famous, so the halls were often packed with people. Doctors often had to find the time of the last discharge in order to get access to empty bed space.

As Xu Du walked down the hallway, he found that he really wasn’t used to seeing so many people in his own proctology department, especially all grouped up with so much excitement they’ve forgotten the common courtesy of letting a doctor get through.

After Xu Du finally reached his office, put down his things, and put on his white lab coat, the nurses were still at the door. They were all lined up, making strange gestures at him, and then running off nervously. 

Xu Du: …

What the fuck…

Xu Du stood there for a while, his eyes wide, and he was able to decipher a few gestures: “Writing” and “OK”.

Tell me, why would you want a partner? Your mom not nagging you enough, or is it that the nurses around you aren’t acting weird enough?  

Xu Du shook his head to himself, shrugged his shoulders, and made his way to the examination room.

It was apparent when he opened the door that someone was already inside. Their back was facing Xu Du and wore a long, black coat. Perhaps it was because black shirts emphasize your outline, but, from where Xu Du was standing, this person seemed to be sitting pretty straight, with a tall, poised back. 

Xu Du was a doctor, and he’s gotten pretty used to seeing human bodies, so he didn’t really  dwell on it. He strode into the room, sat down in the doctor’s seat, and picked up the patient file from the office desk. 

“Zhou Ji Hang?”

The person across from him smiled, answering in a low yet gentle voice: “Yes.”

Xu Du lifted his eyelids up and said casually: “You have the same name as that super star.”

Zhou Ji Hang was sitting in his dark shades and mask. The eyes behind his sunglasses leveled their gaze at Xu Du, and the corners of his eyes flicked up, as if he was laughing. His expression complemented his voice, bringing to mind the image of a soft spoken prince.  

He ignored Xu Du’s halfhearted comment, replying only: “Please excuse me, I have a little bit of a cold today.” 

“No problem.” Cover up all you want. He was here to examine his butt, not his mouth. “What’s the problem?”

All patients who end up in this chair start out inevitably embarrassed, and only answer after repeated questioning with long, uncomfortable mumblings that don’t give him anything useful. He’s even met people who described to him how they were on the brink of death, but very rarely did he meet someone as calm about this as Zhou Ji Hang: “There was blood in my feces.”

“Bleeding could be a problem with the colon. Have you done a colonoscopy?”

Zhou Ji Hang: “There is no problem.”

A pen in his hand, Xu Du scrubbed a few halfhearted lines onto the patient file in front of him: “Let’s do an exam first.”

Doctors really don’t have the patience to explain to every patient why they should do an examination, so it was a good thing that Zhou Ji Hang was cooperative and did whatever Xu Du told him to do. 

Xu Du pushed his instrument cart to the side of the bed. The sound it made wasn’t nearly as loud as the noise that was brewing outside. Xu Du pressed his lips together in frustration: “It’s so noisy.”

At this point, if Xu Du still hasn’t realized that this Zhou Ji Hang whose asshole he was about to examine was the same movie star Zhou Ji Hang he saw on a subway ad that morning, maybe he wasn’t single because there was problem with his career, but because there was a problem with his brain. 

Zhou Ji Hang: “Sorry.”

Xu Du waved him away with his hand, he wasn’t angry enough to complain yet, and Zhou Ji Hang was a lot easier to handle than he had initially thought, anyway. He didn’t even complain about how old the Second Hospital looked, or about the hole that was picked out of the examination bed: “Why didn’t you bring an assistant or something?”

Zhou Ji Hang was wearing a mask, so he couldn’t read his expression, but from the tone of his voice, he sounded a little helpless: “I didn’t think I’d be recognised.”

Xu Du nodded knowingly. If a movie star comes to a normal hospital like theirs, it would be best to keep a low profile. Getting spotted in the proctology department and attracting such a huge crowd has got to be terrible.

Xu Du turned to the side, ready to draw the curtains, only to witness a row of heads squeezed into the open doorway. 

Doctors respect their patient’s privacy, especially in their specialised field. To protect the patient, there must always be a third person in the room during an examination. 

As good natured as Xu Du usually was, this was the moment when his expression hardened, and he called one of the nurses by name: “Xiao He, come in. Come in and lock the door behind you.”

When Xu Du turned back, he met Zhou Ji Hang’s gaze from where he was sitting on the bed. It was very obvious that Zhou Ji Hang had been watching him. 

“Ahem,” Xu Du pointed to the bed. “Take off your pants. Lie down there.”

Xu Du probably says those words ten times a day, but now that, as a normal person, he was faced with a movie star,  he felt the slightest bit uncomfortable: “Don’t worry, Xiao He’s on guard on the other side of the curtain. From where she’s standing, the only person she can see is me. She will not see any part of you.”

“In short,” Xu Du pointed at Xiao He, then pointed to himself. “She’s here to watch me. If you feel in danger or violated in any way, you can call her for help.”

Zhou Ji Hang: “Thank you.”

Before Xu Du could speak, Xiao He raised her hand energetically from behind the curtain: “No problem, my idol!”

Zhou Ji Hang let out a soft laugh, “Yup, thank you.”

Xu Du felt awkward at first, but when Zhou Ji Hang took off his pants and lay down on the bed, every butt looked the same to Xu Du.