The Forbidden Alpha

**TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains severe depression and suicidal thoughts that may be triggering.**

Song: Billie Eilish - Happier Than Ever

Gabe

Pain.

I’m suffocating.

Every breath in is shaky. Every breath out is ragged. Every breath I take is a painful reminder my mate no longer breathes. The stab wound reminds me how much I’ve failed. Her absence left a gaping hole in my chest, in my life.

I can’t function.

I can’t breathe.

I haven’t left my room, I haven’t bathed, I haven’t shaved. I can’t remember when the last time I ate something was. I don’t deserve to eat. I don’t deserve to go on without her.

The wind blows outside and the sun rises and sets. The stars light up the night sky and the wildlife outside can be heard but my life can’t go on without her.

Watching her trial on-screen was fucked in more ways than one. I couldn’t be there in person. I couldn’t be there for her. I couldn’t do anything for her.

I was happy to see Odis by her side.

On her last day, she had someone. She wasn’t alone.

She had someone.

I’ve been swimming in darkness for hours, days, maybe weeks? I don’t know how long I’ve been here, I don’t know how long she’s been gone. Sitting in my room, I’m plagued with memories of her. Her lips, her smile, the light in her eyes.

What do I know?

I know that she’s gone.

Gone.

Gone.

Gone.

I don’t know if I can feel anything anymore.

I don’t know what’s going on.

I don’t know what to do.

I haven’t kept track of time because… I don’t want to know how many hours have passed since she’s been gone. I don’t want to know how many days she’s been gone. I don’t want to know how long I’ve lived in this world without her.

I can’t breathe without her by my side.

Come back to me.

Please, Olivia.

Please come back.

In my dreams, in my nightmares, I call out to her.

My days are nightmares, my nightmares are reality. My life, without her, is a nightmare. I call out to her but… she doesn’t answer me. Every breath I take without her by my side is excruciating.

I can’t fucking breathe.

I don’t want to know how many days I’ve stayed breathing in a world she no longer occupies. I’ve heard of mates killing themselves when they lose their mate and I thought it was extreme.

Now that I’ve lost her…

Darkness.

I don’t know anything.

I don’t know where I went wrong.

I spend minutes, hours, days picking apart every inch of every memory as I try to figure out what I did wrong.

What did I miss?

What could I have done better?

Could I have done something?

No. I failed. I won’t make excuses to make myself feel better.

I don’t deserve that.

I didn’t deserve her.

I can’t breathe.

The walls start closing in on me and I don’t panic. I don’t try to gasp for air. I don’t try to relieve the pain. I revel in the pain because it fills my mind, my soul, with her.

I sit.

I sit in this room for hours in silence without thought, without feeling. I sit in this room and stare at the wall, not out the window, at the wall. I tell myself to snap out of it but I think deep down inside… I know… I don’t want to snap out of it.

I like it here. Trapped in my mind, with my thoughts, with my pain. In my mind, she exists. In my mind, she lives. I close my eyes and see her.

Darkness.

My breathing is the only sound in the room. It’s empty without her. I’m empty without her.

My mind drifts to the time she was gone. During the time she was with him. When she was alone. What could I have done? If I could go back, what could I have done that would have changed the outcome?

How could I have saved her?

Was it when she left to go with Ady?

Was it when she came back?

Was it when I overheard their conversation?

What could I have done?

I still don’t have any answers.

The Moon Goddess did this.

Are you watching me now?

Do you enjoy the fate you’ve condemned us to?

Are you sitting up there looking down on me?

Why?

Tell me this is all a terrible terrible dream. When I open my eyes she’ll be by my side with her leg thrown over me, her hand on my chest, and her head on my arm. Her sleepy mess of hair, her perfect little nose. I can feel her breath on my chest. I can feel her kisses on my lips.

Every fiber of my being yearns for her, my hands ball into fists, and tears stream down my cheeks. I just want her. I crave her. I need to have her by my side.

Insanity.

Please.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I failed.

She slipped through my fingers.

I lost her.

I try to grab her but I can’t.

I fucked up.

I’m shit.

I’ve ruined everything.

Her happy laughter bounces off our walls and the thought of joining her flits across my mind. I find myself smiling and Felix’s pain-filled whine echoes in my mind and soul.

I wish it wasn’t true.

I can see her.

I can feel her.

Her warm hand caresses my cheek.

Goddess, I’ve missed her.

Olivia.

She tells me to join her and my heart starts to beat again.

Yes, yes, yes.

My throat constricts.

It’s dry.

I can’t swallow.

I lean into her touch.

I’d follow you to the hell if you asked.

As if to mock me, she evaporates and disappears leaving me cold and alone.

It feels like we’re oceans apart but I know the distance is greater.

And not for the first time since she’s been gone, I wish for death.

I pray for it.