The Forbidden Alpha

**TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter contains severe depression and suicidal thoughts that may be triggering.**

Gabe

Everything I’ve done wrong replays in my head.

Running to Ady. I’m running to Ady. I couldn’t find Olivia and everyone I spoke to hadn’t seen her. I knew in my gut something happened. My heart screamed something happened… screamed that something was happening.

I could feel her fear, her pain, her desperation and I couldn’t do anything about it.

One of the things I regret the most.

I was rendered speechless as I ran around with no clue where she was. I was fucking useless. Ady’s eyes widened as she stares at me, fear crawling into her features as she asks me what’s wrong.

I couldn’t find her. She never came home the night of the full moon. I thought she was with Ady… and when I woke up with crippling fear I knew something was wrong. If I’d done my job right she’d still be here. She never would have been taken because I would have been the mate she needed. The mate she deserved.

Why didn’t I think of going with her when she worked? Why didn’t I think of being her partner when she went out at night? As her mate… I should have shouldered the burden with her… alongside her.

“She’s hurt Ady, she’s hurt,” my choked voice floats through my mind. I just sat there and waited for their help. I didn’t think of being useful my fucking self and doing something. I did this. I basically killed her.

A mournful howl fills my mind. I lost Olivia and Felix lost Gem.

I’m spiraling.

Every day, every hour, every minute is the same. I go around and around with these thoughts, these regrets. It repeats and repeats.

Tears run down my cheeks. I scream, yell. Pushing out the pain I feel, I curse the Moon Goddess. Not for Olivia, not for choosing her for me. I curse her for choosing me for Olivia. She didn’t deserve what she got. She deserved more. She deserved better. She deserved the world.

Bang.

Bang. Bang.

The outside world is banging on my door. Someone’s on the other side of the door. The door slams open and someone runs at me. I don’t flinch. I don’t bother to look. It doesn’t matter who it is.

It’s like I’m wearing noise-canceling headphones. I can’t hear anything but I know someone is talking to me, saying something, yelling something. It doesn’t matter what he’s saying. He’s shaking my shoulders and I feel my body moving back and forth. I don’t react. I don’t care.

I feel numb. I’m numb. Numb until pain erupts in my cheek and I fall back. Blinking I look up to find Odis, staring down at me with anger. So much anger. So much hate.

I hate myself too.

I knew he felt something for her and I never got that Olivia reciprocated his feelings. I wasn’t jealous of him but he did have something I didn’t have. He had something I wanted.

Odis had been with her on her last day. He’d been by her side during the trial. He was with her when she…

She was mine.

That’s all I cared about. She wanted me. She loved me.

But maybe….

Maybe she deserved him.

Is that why we were fucked? Were we that way from the start? Was it supposed to be him? Should it have been him?

“You’re pathetic,” he says, clearly disgusted. I blink, his words pull me from my thoughts. Thoughts I’ve been swimming in… no, drowning in. I’m not angry. I don’t say anything as I stare up at him. A metallic liquid fills my mouth, I taste blood but I don’t care.

For once he isn’t wearing one of his perfect suits. He looks almost normal wearing jeans and a shirt. His face looks haggard, he hasn’t shaved, he looks as bad as I feel.

“Your Luna needs you,” he spits.

Blinking twice, my brows furrow and I try to speak. My throat is tight from yelling, screaming. I need water.

“Ady?” I croak.

“Yes, I know we’re fucked right now but the world is still revolving. The ceremony is this weekend and you’ve missed a lot,” Odis says. His eyes travel around the room before he flicks on a light and I strain against the brightness.

“This weekend? What have I missed?” I ask.

“Do I have to repeat myself? Yes, this weekend,” he growls. “Alpha asked her and she agreed. She’s stressed. She’s been planning and doing everything on her own. Alpha has been working overtime trying to secure our borders and tighten security on our weak spots. We’ve been ordered to leave you alone. I’m playing the part of Gamma and Beta although, I think he’s got someone in mind for the position of Gamma. That’s not the reason why I’m here though.”

Shaking his head, Odis’s eyes trail down my body. “What are you doing? Sulking? Pitying yourself locked up in your room?” He says, looking down his nose at me. “She’s gone and we all have to live with her death. I was her best friend. I’ve known her for years. As much as I want to be dead to the world, I can’t. You can’t. We can’t. We have a pack to run and even though you won’t be Gamma, you have a part to play. You’re Luna’s best friend and only family from before she came here. Has she come to you? Has she asked you for anything?”

Damn it.

No. I haven’t. I can’t think of the last time I talked to her. I vaguely remember hearing her voice but I was… in the darkness. How long have I been out of it?

Ady.

Ady needs me. I should have checked up on her. I should have… I didn’t forget her… I just… I lost my mate.

“And she lost a close friend and probably feels like she lost you too,” Felix whispers.

Fuck.