Episode 60 – And then I move on to the next

“I really, really wanted to apologize to you.”

After my once-in-a-lifetime confession, Kotoha uttered such a thing.

“Apologize for …… what?”

I have a lot of memories of being bothered, but I don’t remember being bothered.
Looking for an idea, Kotoha was quick to tell me.

“You see……, I told Rin kun, [You should choose someone who likes you, not Kazashiro Rei]. I told him to choose someone who would love him and not Kazashiro Rei.”
“Yeah, but?”
“Huh….It’s not”
“Wrong?”

I’m not sure if she just says it’s different.
I Wait maturely for the words to follow.

“Of course I meant what I said, and I really do …… mean it. But it doesn’t mean I have no other intentions.”
“What does that mean?
“Yes. And a bad one, more specifically, a …… devious one.”

Kotoha said this with bitterness.
It was the way a person in such a weak position talks, as if she were coming clean about her crimes.

“At that time, I think I was jealous of Shizuku san.”

Then, after a slight inflection, the word that came out was a word that would go far beyond my imagination.

“…… jealous?”
“Yeah, jealous.”

As far as I knew, Shirakawa Kotoha was the furthest thing from the word “jealousy”.

She made her acting debut at the age of 20.
Her popularity has soared as she has gained a reputation for combining her exceptional acting talent with a mature charm at the young age of 20.
The following year, she even made her debut as a singer, and she quickly established her position as a “national actress.”

A strong person who has worked hard and managed to get what she wants only through her own efforts.

She feels such feelings as “jealousy,” which is the kind of emotion that the have-nots feel.
It was nothing but a surprise.

So when Kotoha blithely said that, I was at a loss for words.
And the other party is that Shizuku san.

“She had something I didn’t have, ……. And yet she takes away the things that are important to me, that’s how I felt.”

There are probably few people other than me who know that Kotoha has such a weak and sneaky side.
I just found out about it myself.

“important ……?”
“Yes, the important ones.”

In return, Kotoha repeats what I said.
The tone of her voice had dropped, but there was something refreshing about her face.
I guess you could say that the possession had fallen off. But it was somehow not healthy.

“When I heard that Rin kun was getting along with Shizuku san and that he was getting along with a cute girl, I thought to myself, [Rin kun will be taken away from me,] or [My favorite song will be taken away from me]”

I didn’t interfere with Kotoha, who spoke frankly.

Kotoha laughs a little self-deprecatingly.

“I thought, I’m going to be removed from Rin kun’s interests, or Rin kun is going to lead a normal life and stop writing songs. I thought about these things, associated with them, and became anxious.”

Kotoha laughs a little self deprecatingly.

“It’s stupid, really. Even though I said that, I thought that you were just a tool for composing Rin kun’s song, you know?”

She said to go out with people who would look properly at myself, but the person who said that didn’t look inside myself.

I see, yes, it may be tempting to self-mock.

But,

“That’s …… wrong, isn’t it?”

That’s not true. That’s not what Kotoha really meant.
That’s what I intuitively thought. Maybe I just wanted to think so.

“As I said before, Kotoha has been thinking about my future.”

She was concerned about the future.
She was there to pat me on the back for my hesitation, and yet she was also firmly waiting for me to make a decision.

“But!”
“Even if it was a percussive thing to do. But …… that’s not enough to worry me like that.”

Even if, hypothetically, Kotoha was urging me to become a composer for her own sake.

I knew painfully well that it wasn’t just that – and more than anything else, Kotoha herself should have known that.

“First of all, Kotoha could have threatened to cancel the apartment if I didn’t become a composer, right?”
“I wouldn’t …… do something that stupid.”

When I jokingly say so, she replies like a fool.
Little by little, Kotoha began to feel more energetic.

She is returning to her usual challenging tone, and she is also becoming more frontal in her condescension toward those who do not make the effort.
I think that is the original Kotoha.

Not condescending, but downward, such a kotoha is not a kotoha.

“I’m really grateful to Kotoha, but I don’t hold any grudges at all.“

This was the one feeling that remained with me after I had cleared out everything that had been going on, and it was a feeling that was not a lie.

“I see….”

Kotoha’s completely weepy face crumpled and contorted once more, then bloomed into full bloom.

“You’re so …… grown up, Rin kun.”
“I’m long past twenty.”

After the usual idle conversation, I felt fine, as if I had cleared everything up.

Date, then conflict, then self-loathing.

Shizuku san’s comfort, Christmas Eve, flames.

The face to face stream, the composer’s declaration, and Kotoha’s tears.

In retrospect, it will probably be said that this was a difficult time.
It was a period of so much intensity, hard work, and frustration that time would never weather it.

And I’ll probably brag later on that I decided to become a composer during this period.
I will properly remember this hardship then. Suck it up, future me.

Thus, my story has moved one step forward, I thought.

(TL/N : wow…what a nice arc…not that heavy but still touching)