The Hated Male Concubine

#155

Hwawoon clenched his fists on his lap. He bit his lip until it bled. I must not cry. I must not break down. The Emperor is a kind man, and I must not do anything that can make me earn his pity. Hwawoon forced himself to do so.

Woon-ah.

There were many days when he wanted to imagine that his voice was addressed to him. If the Emperor called out to him, “Woon-ah,” in a voice as fine and delicate as the most beautiful colors in the world, he would think it was his. Even though the Emperor didn’t know him, even though the Emperor didn’t know who he was, he felt like he had been accepted. He felt like the Emperor saw him as he was, and his heart fluttered with excitement.

He knew it was never his. He knew the Emperor wasn’t calling his name and was just being deceived by his wicked, selfish self. Even so, he wanted to turn a blind eye. There were moments when he wanted to spend eternity being called Woon-ah by him.

Yihan stared down at Hwawoon’s tiny body for a long time, the one who had rejected every touch he offered, before rising from his seat on the bed. Still wearing a confused and troubled face, the Emperor’s gaze flickered uneasily as if he was trying to avoid this situation.

“I will call the doctor for you, so get yourself treated.”

“Your Majesty….”

“I’m sure… I’m sure you must be very sick… That’s why you’re talking nonsense like this.” 

“Your Majesty, it’s not like that.”

“If it’s not, are you telling me that this makes sense?”

Suddenly, Yihan raised his voice. His breath involuntarily turned ragged. He couldn’t understand how unwell Hwawoon must be that he was talking such nonsense.

“Changing souls… That’s… Are you expecting me to believe it now…?”

“Your Majesty…!”

“Don’t you dare say anything like that in front of the doctor. It can lead to a strange rumor spreading in the palace, and you’ll be the only one in trouble.”

With that, Yihan walked past Hwawoon’s side to the door as if he were running away.

“Seocheon!”

It was Hwawoon’s voice, shouting a name, that stopped Yihan in his tracks. Moving his body to look at Yihan’s back, Hwawoon continued while still on his knees.

“Domyung, Jamun, Yunjeong, Hwajoo, Myeongan.”

“…….”

“They’re all names of the commoner guards, who used to share guard residence with me. You’ll find out if you ask a eunuch to look it up right now.”

“Stop… stop it….”

“I can also write down the test questions I took to get accepted as a guard right here and now. You’ll be able to verify that, too, because it’s on record.”

“I told you to shut that mouth of yours….”

“Your Majesty. If I’m really His Highness Yeonbin… How could I know…!”

Hwawoon’s desperate words could not be finished. In a single step, Yihan was in front of Hwawoon, sitting down on one knee, gripping his shoulders in a painful grip and pulling him to meet his gaze. The emperor’s confused black eyes were watery. Hwawoon thought that he’d rather be dead right away. 

“So what is it you want to say?”

The Emperor spoke with an emotion that couldn’t be told if it was anger or sadness.

“So… So everything about you before me was a lie… Is that what you’re saying?”

There were tears in the Emperor’s breath as he spoke.

“Are you telling me that… to hide this fact, all this time you’ve been lying to me… that you’ve treated me with deceit all the time?!”

Yihan’s fingers dug into Hwawoon’s shoulders, hard enough to crush them. However, Hwawoon didn’t feel hurt. He didn’t notice that his shoulders were hurt. It was the look in the emperor’s eyes that looked in pain.

“Tell me. Just so that you could live… You were like that in front of me… Being so…!”

He remembered the day when Yeon Hwawoon smiled like a spring breeze under the magnolia blossoms. His tiny back as he said he wanted to be a loyal person to the Emperor, his voice as he cautiously voiced his concern that the Emperor shouldn’t have to carry all the burdens alone, all of it flashed before his eyes.

“…… All of that was just… you deceiving me… Is this what you want to say, huh?”

Eventually, tears rolled down Yihan’s cheeks. The majesty of the emperor was not even on his mind at this moment. Yihan was writhing in pain, his heart torn into a thousand pieces.

He had traveled the hard road, again and again. He had walked ahead in blood, denying and tearing apart everything he had always been believed to be right. All because of this man in front of him. Because of the man that he couldn’t let go no matter what, Yihan had left behind his mother’s tears, his childhood pain, and everything else to come to this point. Yet it was all a lie.

“Then… Everything I’ve given to you…”

“Ugh…!”

Yihan squeezed his shoulders with such force that Hwawoon let out an involuntary groan. But neither of them could care less about the pain.

“What did it all mean to you?”

The corners of the emperor’s eyes kept getting wet. Hwawoon wanted to reach out and touch his cheeks, to wipe away the tears. However, there was nothing he could do at this moment. He could no longer make the Emperor dizzy with his lowly body and his devilish mind.

“I see. Let’s say you’re telling the truth. I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt that you’re really not Yeon Hwawoon. Still… But still, all those things we’ve shared all this time…”

Yihan’s voice, which was once menacingly forceful as if threatening, had become increasingly vulnerable.

“Those… Those emotions you’ve shown me….”

Yihan was scared. The immense fear that the world he had first held in his hands, the world he held dear in his heart, might collapse, stole his breath and squeezed his heart.

“Were those sincere…?”

Hwawoon’s emperor was such a fragile and kind person.

Even in the face of a man who deceived him, the Emperor could not easily withdraw the heart he had already given, thus opening the way for the man to live.

Hwawoon clenched his fists tightly. He chewed all the flesh in his mouth to keep from bursting into tears. His emperor was so merciful that he had to hold on until the end. After taking a deep breath, Hwawoon bowed his head before the emperor and answered.

“… This person has dared to deceive the Emperor to live…”

“…….”

“Please never forgive me, Your Majesty.”

Hwawoon had to be willing to pay for what he had done.

Slowly, Yihan’s grip on Hwawoon’s shoulders loosened. The emperor’s eyes, which had deepened with all his confused emotions, became hazy, as if his soul had left him. The image of Yeon Hwawoon, who had never returned the words that he, too, loved him, despite the countless times he had spoken them, flashed in and out of his mind. Like a man who had lost everything, Yihan slowly pulled himself up.

He had never realized before that love could hurt so much.

As he stood there, staring down at Hwawoon with a dazed expression on his face, Yihan raised his hand and rubbed his wet face vigorously before opening his mouth to speak.

“Anyone’s out there?”

“Yes, Your Majesty. I’m here.”

The door opened, and Eunuch Oh immediately entered. Ahjin, who was also at the door, felt scared of the unusual air in the room and was surprised to see her master kneeling on the floor, but she didn’t dare to run to him because of the Emperor’s strange atmosphere. Yihan said.

“From this moment on, Yeonbin Yeon Hwawoon… will not be allowed to take a single step out of Seojeong Palace without my order.”

At the unexpected order, Eunuch Oh stunned into silence, and Ahjin’s legs gave way, leaving her dropped to the floor. They couldn’t even guess what was going on. Yihan continued.

“Also, without my permission, no one will set foot in Seojeong Palace. Do you understand?”

“… Yes. Yes, Your Majesty. I’ll follow your orders.”

As he spoke, Yihan stared down at Hwawoon. His eyes seemingly expected Hwawoon to cling to his feet and beg. ‘That was not the case. You’ve misunderstood, Your Majesty.’ Yihan wanted him to beg now, and maybe it didn’t matter if the words were true or not. Nevertheless, Hwawoon just sat there, nonchalantly, as if it were none of his business.

“Your… Your Majesty… Your Majesty!”

The emperor stared at him for a moment before turning and leaving Seojeong Palace, and Ahjin, who had just regained her senses, quickly crawled before the Emperor, blocking his path and slamming her head into the ground.

“You fool! How dare you stand in the way of His Majesty the Emperor!”

Ahjin didn’t care about Eunuch Oh’s frantic shouting and continued to beat her head against the ground. This wasn’t just because the Emperor had confined her master in Seojeong Palace. What really disturbed Ahjin was her master’s resigned demeanor. It was the emperor’s attitude, as if he would never see Hwawoon again. Ahjin could never allow this to happen.