The Reason I Keep Avoiding My Childhood Friend

One day.

“Young Master Kirsec, the Grand Duke is calling.”

“Fa, Father?”

My heart sank at Mrs. Seryl’s news. I didn’t cause any trouble, why?

“I heard that he decided to spend time together in the future. He said he would start it. Come this way. Before meeting the Grand Duke, you should tidy up your clothes.”

Come to think of it, the little child and Father had a meeting and that we would definitely be spending time together. But in the meantime, Father didn’t say much, so I forgot about it.

I was surprised because I didn’t know he would call me so suddenly. What-, what to do?

“All set now. Flawlessly gorgeous. You can go.”

When Mrs. Seryl, who had put the clothes in order, urged me to walk, my heart beat even more anxiously. My heart isn’t ready yet. Arriving at the parlor where Father was almost dragged away, I was confronted with Father who still had a nonchalant look.

“Did, did you call me?”

“Yes. Sit down.”

The moment I heard Father’s voice, my mind went blank. It’s not like he’s angry, but I couldn’t think of anything. I barely sat down on the sofa. Father was holding the tea without saying anything. I was afraid that I was choking.

I couldn’t believe this moment had arrived. Is it because I was afraid of getting hurt by having hope for nothing, so I buried my expectations? I was afraid of Father. Sometimes when we bump into each other, I feel intimidated by the cold eyes. He always looked at me like a guilty person. So it seemed like Father didn’t like me either.

There was a time when I wished I could spend time with Father like this. No, I didn’t even want too much time together. I just wished that I would be asked if I was okay when I was sick, and to receive a pat on my head when I did well. I wanted him to consider me as his bloodline, not as someone else.

I gave up on that too at some point…

I don’t know what to say to Father now. If he had let me know in advance that we would be having a time like this, I would have thought of something to say.

Even Father who had called me was silent as if he had nothing to say. As soon as our eyes met, my body trembled reflexively.

I feel like I have to say something, but if I spend time like this, I feel like I’m going to suffocate. But my head is empty and I don’t know what to say. And what if I open my mouth and say what Father doesn’t like to hear? Won’t I be scolded for being noisy?

I was anxious. I really didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t even getting scolded, but I felt like I was going to cry. I couldn’t look up because I couldn’t guess what kind of cold words would come out when I met Father’s gaze. I got short of breath.

As I was suppressing my emotions like that, I heard the sound of the teacup rattling as it got put down. Startled by the sound, I reflexively trembled.

“You can go.”

Father gave me permission to go. I lowered my head and walked cautiously out of the suffocating space. The moment the door closed and I was cut off from Father, my legs gave out, but I persevered. I forced myself to walk.

As soon as I returned to the bedroom and was alone, I quickly covered my eyes with the back of my arm, feeling that the tears I had been holding back would flow down.

It was such a stupid, pathetic time.

* * *

After meeting Father, I was in a daze for a while. I was annoyed because it was stupid and wasteful to spend such time.

In addition, he said that we would have regular time together in the future. I was breathless because I was worried about what to say this time when we were together again. I was frustrated and could only sigh. It was a problem even if I spent the time I wanted so much together.

“Is the little child coming today?”

Still, the little child was the only joy in my life. These days, I was living for the fun of meeting and watching the little child. She was grumpy, but it was cute to see her eat so well. Ah, if the little child slapped me on the cheek, I would cheer up.

“Yes. Oh, and the Grand Duke will be with you in the evening.”

“Again?”

I cried out immediately hearing the words Mrs. Seryl delivered. The excitement of anticipating the meeting subsided. My throat is already clogged up. My head hurts just having to spend that uncomfortable time. I received news that was difficult to handle in the morning.