The Spa

Here I was alone with my grief, everyone else had a day or two of feeling the loss. My sister was right, this house is too big. My dad was right it was too full of memories. Everywhere I looked something popped up, a fight Caleb and I had in the hall way. Greer taking her first steps in the living room. These memories were suffocating me not my grief. The ghosts these memories carried would forever be contained in this house.

After 3 weeks, I decided I needed to go back to work. It was more the poking of my friend and co-worker, Beth. She said the office was at a halt without me there. While I wasn't a mother or wife anymore, I was still a paralegal. I figured if I started with what I was, maybe what to do next would happen.

The first week was a fog, everyone seemed afraid to ask me to do things. Like if they asked I would shatter into a million grieving pieces. So I had to go get files and force myself back into my position.

It was about 6 month of being back that things seemed like they had found some sense of normalcy. I went to work and came home with work to do while I ate and fell asleep on my couch. It wasn't until Beth had come over to help finish research on a case we had been working on when I realized, I had only be surviving.

Her face when she walked in said it, \"Gross\". Her wide hazel eyes darted from mess to mess, \"Do you sleep down here?\" She asked walking into the living room. I turned around at the couches, \"Yeah, why?\" I asked back a little embarrassed. It never occurred to me to be embarrassed before, it just became too painful to be upstairs. \"Honey, I think it's time to let the house go,\" she said quietly. I didn't answer, \"Maybe something smaller, that wouldn't require much cleaning,\" she assured. \"I don't know,\" I replied. \"Just think about it ok. We could find you something closer to work,\" she tried to appease me. I nodded, \"Ok, I'll think about it,\" I said as we walked in the dinning room and sat down. We opened the take out she brought and got to work, and finished the paperwork around eight.

Beth went home and I was alone again in what started to feel like a mausoleum. Maybe I should just talk to a realtor and see, maybe this house should belong to a family, and not to someone who can't even go upstairs anymore.

Over the next couple of weeks I worked and cleaned the main floor, so it was presentable. I called my sister and told her that while I was still getting use to the idea, I would want to talk to someone about selling and buying something smaller. She put me in touch with one realtor and just over the phone, I didn't like her. I hung up on her and never answered when she called. Winnie called me and I explained she was very off putting, with her valley girl accent.

I was telling Beth about it coming back from lunch and my boss, who was one of the partners at the law firm asked me to come to his office. Beth gave me the, \"You're in trouble,\" look and headed to her office.

I knocked on the door, as his secretary wasn't back yet, \"Mr. Jury,\" I asked. Yes, we all know it's very funny, he's a lawyer and his last name is Jury. \"Whitney, come in have a seat,\" he said sitting back down at his desk. He had one of the nicer offices in the law firm. It was a corner office with a 180 degree view, the light from the windows off set the dark blue color his walls were painted. His desk was an industrial metal and wood, same as his large wall bookshelf. Which was clearly his wife's design, he was in his early forties and didn't particularly care matching furniture. \"I couldn't help but over hear, you are thinking of selling your house,\" he said. \"I am still trying to get comfortable with the idea,\" I corrected. \"Are you looking for a realtor?\" He asked turning his head to one side. \"I am,\" I answered. \"I have a recommendation for you,\" he said. \"My wife, as you know she does interior design, but she has recently gotten her realtor license to expand her client base,\" he added. \"I didn't know that. Do you think she would be willing to come out and look at the house?\" I asked. I knew Lindsey for years, we had gone to college together. Our different majors had taken us in different directions, but she was probably just as sweet and kind as she always was. \"With your permission of course, I'll make sure she has your number and you can set up a meeting,\" he told me with a smile. I sighed in relief, \"That would be wonderful, thank you,\" I answered.

I walked back to my office feeling lighter, I had that one thing done and taken care of. It was someone I knew, someone who wouldn't push me just for money. She would let me take my time, and I felt more at ease with it. Beth came into my office when she saw me, \"Well?\" She asked. \"Lindsey is going to help me with the house,\" I explained. \"Oh that's great, I'm glad you found someone,\" Beth said sitting in a chair. My office was much smaller, it was all white, a small window and one whole glass wall with a glass door. I had a stock desk and chairs, that were there when I started, I hadn't changed it because I wasn't there much. \"Now can we talk about your hair and wardrobe?\" She asked. I furrowed my brow and looked down at my black pants suit white, button up shirt, \"What''s wrong with my clothes?\" I asked. \"Honey, you wear almost the same thing everyday, and sometimes it's one of Caleb's old shirts,\" she said softly as if to ease the sting of his name. \"Let's go shopping and get our hair done,\" she offered. I took a deep breath, I didn't know people were noticing I was wearing some of his shirts. I suppose just going and getting a few outfits for work would be fine. \"Ok,\" I gave in. Maybe this was part of the moving on process. Maybe this would be like recreating myself, a new self. \"Let's go Saturday afternoon,\" she said, on her way out the door. Was this all moving too fast? Was I trying too hard to move past everything? These questions swirled in my mind, until my phone rang. It was Lindsey, she wanted to set up a meeting at the house, whenever I was ready. I told her Saturday morning would be fine. Saturday was my day, I guess.

When Saturday came, I got up extra early, I wanted to try and clean upstairs. I stood at the bottom of the stairs with my cup of coffee, \"I have to do this,\" I said to no one. \"I can't stay here, it's killing me,\" I tried to explain as tears ran down my face. I took a deep breath and walked up. I made it to the top and was face to face with the open doors to bedrooms. I took a deep breath and went into my room. I set my coffee down and started with something simple. I'll just make the bed, that's easy and quick. As I flattened out the sheets I caught his sent and paused. I closed my eyes, \"I'm sorry,\" I whispered as tears ran down my face. I quickly finished making the bed and turned to pick up whatever was on the floor. Just a few clothes, I went into the bathroom to put them in the hamper. I guess the bathroom was next. I whipped down the sink and toilet and looked at the shower. Intimate memories came back, what I would give for one more shower with him. I paused as tears stung my face, I could almost feel his hands tracing down my arms. I closed my eyes trying to stop the tears, I hadn't noticed I stopped breathing. I let out a shaky breath, opened my eyes, again hoping to see him there. Again hurt, disappointed and emptiness greeted me. I decided it was too much and closed the glass shower door. I went downstairs and grabbed my vacuum and gave the hardwood floors, upstairs a quick once over and went back downstairs. I didn't dare to go in Greer's room, not unless I wanted to cancel everything for that day.

I sat on the couch wondering if this was truly the right thing to do. Maybe I should stay here and entomb myself in this house and die with these memories. An abrupt knock on my door startled me and, pulled me from my spiral. It was Lindsey, she was right on time. \"Good Morning,\" she said when I opened the door. \"I brought coffee,\" she added handing me a Starbucks cup. \"Thank you, come in please,\" I said. \"This house, is beautiful,\" she told me. \"Thank you,\" I replied with a smile. \"I guess we should start with a tour,\" I said nervously. I tried to muster a smile, \"If it's too much, I can walk around myself, quickly and then we can talk,\" she suggested. \"Maybe just upstairs,\" I suggested. She nodded and went up. She wasn't up there long, and came back, \"In here is the living room,\" I said. We both just went on with the tour, which I was grateful for, I'm not sure my emotions could handle another trip up the stairs. We ended in the back yard, where that swing set and play house stared at me. She must've sensed it, \"Shall we sit in the living room and talk,\" she suggested. I nodded and we went back in. \"So,\" she began once we sat. \"The house will likely sell at the top of the market, it's updated, nice yard,\" she went on. \"A family,\" I interrupted. She paused, \"I need it to go to a family, with kids,\" I told her. \"A family,\" she agreed nodding. \"You let me know when you're ready to list and I will show it,\" she assured. \"I think, it would be better now,\" I blurted out quickly, before my grief had any idea what I had said. \"There's no need to rush,\" she said softly. \"I can't be here any more,\" I paused trying to keep myself from falling apart in front of my boss's wife, \"The memories are crushing me,\" I confessed with a pleading in my face. She didn't turn away or show pity, she simply nodded, \"Alright, I'll take some pictures and get things rolling,\" she assured me with a calm voice. \"Thank you,,\" I squeaked out. \"You're welcome,\" she said. She went to her car and got her camera and began taking pictures and writing things down to use for the listing.

After I gathered myself I met her in the kitchen, \"Lindsey, can I ask you something?\" I asked as she finished. \"Anything,\" she answered. \"I need a place,\" I explained. \"Nothing special, just one room, and nice,\" I added. \"I have a few places in mind, can you take Monday off?\" She asked. \"Probably,\" I answered. \"Ok, I'll line up some showings for Monday then,\" she said with a smile. \"Do you think I'm doing this too fast?\" I questioned. She stopped and looked me square in the eyes, \"No Whitney, I don't. I think you are being brave and strong,\" she assured me putting her hand on my arm and squeezing. I smiled, \"I'll call you tomorrow and make sure we are still on for Monday,\" she told me for before she walked out the door. I took a deep breath and turned around, \"I'm sorry,\" I whispered again. I quietly walked through the house and grabbed my purse, I needed to leave. I could feel my body urging me to get out, as if the memories and ghosts would swallow me for good.