The Spa

I met Beth at the mall, but it wasn't as fun as movies make it seem, though they can't show people struggling to get in and out of the clothes. I did find some new clothes which means I didn't have to go upstairs or wear anymore of Caleb's shirts. We ate lunch at the food court and it felt nice, I felt like a regular person. We joked and laughed and talk about everything except my loss. When I drove home, I sat in the drive way not wanting to go inside. I got my bags together and went in and instantly felt the guilt of being gone and not thinking about them. I turned on the tv and fell asleep.

Sunday wasn't much better, Caleb's mother called because I hadn't called her in months. I explained I've been working and trying to figure things out. \"I heard you're selling the house,\" she brought up. There it was, the whole reason for the call. \"I think if you're going to sell it, you should sell it to Casey. It was her brother's house,\" Barb told me. \"I would really like to see a young family here,\" I explained. \"To make their memories in my son's house,\" she complained. \"I'm sorry you feel that way, Barbra, but it was my house too. Caleb wasn't the only one paying the mortgage or the bills here,\" I said and hung up. That was the second time I called her Barbara. The first time was when we explained to his parents we were going to have a small wedding and not the giant gaudy affair she wanted it to be. We were in their living room, Caleb held my hand and….. \"No!\" I yelled. Tears came screaming to my eyes, \"I can't keep doing this, Caleb. Everything brings back a memory,\" I say to no one. I took a deep breath, \"I love you two and I always will. You will always be with me, but I can't live in memories,\" I say as if Caleb and Greer are right in front of me.

I had to find a reason to get out of the house on, so I walked to a coffee shop and had brunch, by myself. It was nice to people watch a while, haven't done that since college, when I would pretend to study in the library but I was really entangled in the love triangle between the nerd, frat boy, and rich sorority sister. It was a compelling drama, the frat boy was using the nerdy girl to keep his grades up, but they had kissed very passionately few times. He was dating the rich sorority sister, because she was the pretty princess girl. In the end the sorority sister won, or so I assumed when the nerdy girl waited and waited but frat boy never showed and she left crying. I took my coffee and walked through the park. I saw families and young couples. I felt an ease not having to worry where Greer was or hear \"Mommy watch,\" but I also felt guilt and sadness for feeling that way. I would never hear those words again. That started me thinking, would I date again? I sat on a bench watching the ducks on the pond. It was April everything was in bloom. If I dated again, what if he wanted kids? Would that stir every memory back up? Would I hear Greer and not the new baby? That was it, too much, never dating again never having kids again. Work is fine, I can work and maybe travel but that's it. I felt better having that decision off my plate.

That night I didn't sleep well. I called the office and told them I would work from home if they needed me. This time I picked up coffee and met Lindsey at her office, downtown. It was close to our offices, but not as big, still an amazing building. The walls were an ice bluish white with white crown molding, dark wood floors with fluffy foe white fur rugs. \"Awe, Thank you,\" she said, taking the cup. We walked out to her car, which was a bluish green Audi Q7. It was very comfortable, but aren't most luxury cars. \"So I found a few condo's, but I wasn't sure what your budget was so I gathered condo's, apartments, townhouses, and bungalows,\" Lindsey said driving. \"Let's look at condo's first,\" I said taking a deep breath and settling into the seat.

The first place she takes me is outside of town and very dated. The second one is nice, but a studio. We drove and looked at houses for four hours before we went to a condo on Kingsbury ST which wasn't too far from the office, but far enough. \"So this is a great for singles. There's wood floors, exposed brick, and vaulted exposed wood ceilings,\" she explained as we rode in the elevator. She unlocked the door and it hit me as we walked in, I closed my eyes. I felt home, \"How much?\" I whispered with my eyes still closed. \"Well, it's $370,000 and monthly $450 HOA fees,\" She answered a little nervous, because I didn't give her any budget or wants. \"With the sale of your house you could pay it and still have maybe ten to twenty thousand left,\" she explained. \"Done,\" I told her very matter of factly. \"Ok, let's go sign some papers,\" she replied with a smile. We went back to her white office and signed paperwork for a loan, that I would pay off completely as soon as my house was sold. \"Thank you,\" I said as I fought back tears. \"You're welcome,\" she told me grabbing my hand and squeezing it. \"I'll let you know when I hear back and I would like to have an open house this weekend on your house, if that's ok,\" She explained. I nodded, \"Ok, I'll get these papers over to the loan office and we should know by the end of the week,\" she said.

I left and went to my favorite restaurant for dinner. This place didn't hold any memories, because Caleb hated Mexican food, which was one of my favorites. I ordered my favorite carnitas and toquilla to sip. I started to feel this heaviness lifting from me, like I could breath again. After dinner I went home and for the first time in six months I didn't feel guilty, the sadness was still there and I think it always will be, but I have found how to keep moving forward.

The next day, my mind was filled with all the things I figured I should get done, like going upstairs and going through everything. Maybe if I gave myself all weekend I could take my time. Beth came into my office, \"Is there something I can help you with?\" I asked with a smile. \"Yes, you can go to this clients privet island spa, for all the people that work here,\" she answered taking over my keyboard and typing in the website. \"It's a spa that helps you rejuvenate so you can get back into the dating game,\" she explained as the site popped up. \"That's code for brothel,\" I told her annoyed. \"No, this is one of our clients and they give a discount for anyone working in the firm. I really think you should go,\" she pushed sitting on my desk. \"Beth, I can't,\" I said. \"You have a lot of vacation time, actually. So go get a massage, have a drink or five on the beach. Have a one night stand for all of us who wish we could,\" she joked. I raised my eye brows, \"Please, just think about it,\" she urged. \"If I say I'll think about it will you let me get back work?\" I asked. She didn't answer, just crossed her legs, \"Fine, I'll look into it,\" I caved, she jumped up and squealed. I had other things on my mind, I need to have someone come and professionally clean my house for the open house. I needed to get the nerve up to go upstairs and decide if anything up there was worth keeping or would it all be painful memories. I didn't have time to take a vacation and sip drinks on a beach. I stumbled into the house about six, I had been work on this case with one of the partners, Joshua Brooks. He was one of our younger partners, at 37. He was nice, moved to Chicago from Florida, I didn't catch where. All I knew is this case was rather big. One of the larger corporations we represent was being sued for causing an illness in a child and we had to prove the ingredients were not at fault. This was Mr. Brook's first big case since being named partner and if I can help him win this case then there maybe a raise in this form me. I sat on the couch and opened my laptop turned on the tv for background noise and began looking at ingredients. I email well known chemists that we had used before to help me break down formulas and figure out what all this could cause if anything. This is how my week went, I went home with take out and worked until I couldn't keep my eyes open. On Friday I was in my office finishing up a few dossier on the case when I got a call from Lindsey that my offer was excepted and I had three offers on my house, one from Caleb's sister who was offering more than my asking price. The other two were families, that she had done a walk through with while I was at work. One was a family with 2 adopted children a boy and girl and 1 on the way through surrogacy, they were offering my exact asking price. The other family was aiming lower, \"I want the couple with the one on the way, I'll cover the closing costs,\" I told her as Mr. Brooks came into my office. \"Are you sure?\" She asked. \"Yes,\" I replied. \"Ok, I'll let them know and get the paperwork together,\" she told me and hung up. \"Can I help you, Mr. Brooks?\" I asked standing. \"Everything going ok?\" He asked. \"Oh yeah, that was my relator,\" I explained. \"Relator?\" He asked. \"Yeah, I sold my house and bought a condo,\" I answered. \"Ready for something new?\" He asked. I knew he didn't mean that how it sounded, I know talking to someone who has lost family is difficult so instead of ripping his head off I simply smiled, \"Is there something I can help you with?\" I asked. \"Oh yes, have you finished those motions, I wanted to get them filed before the weekend,\" he said sitting back in my plain office chair. He looked like someone who was playing a part, with his blue suit, fresh haircut, and piercing green eyes that were probably contacts. \"Yes, right here,\" I said handing him the box of folders each a new motion. \"Thank you, for getting these done so quickly,\" he said. \"No problem,\" I smiled as he took the box and left. Sometimes I thought he figured every woman on the earth should fawn over him. I just wasn't going to do that, I had already decided no dating.

That weekend was a whirl wind of moving, I tried to keep things that I had before we were married. Things that were small but meaningful. Going through Greer's room was the hardest. I took the letter's off the wall and packed them, my sister painted those letters, I wanted to keep them. I kept her princess Bell crown, because it was her favorite. I figured I could put these on a shelf in my condo, with pictures of her. It didn't seem bad until I opened her closet and was faced with her clothes, her favorite shirt and a dress that matched one of mine from a family picture we took. I screamed and flung all the clothes to the ground, crying I fell to the ground like the pile of clothes. I just laid there sobbing in my daughters clothes, angry and frustrated. I needed to get out of the closet, I couldn't keep doing this. I made it downstairs and sat on the bottom stair trying to compose myself. That was when I decided that the movers would have to pack up the rest of her room. I couldn't do it anymore. I had to make myself go forward and the more things I kept the more I would only be entombing myself into my new condo.