The Stars In Your Eyes

Jian Kang Lu didn't blanked out no matter how wasted he was. But still his memory can't be as clear as the blue sky after the rain. How could a wasted man remember clearly what happened when he knocked out? Last night he could only close his eyes and held his puke back to his throat.

Jian Kang Lu tried to sit on his bed and took a deep breath. Even now he still wants to puke. His surroundings spinning around him like planets circling around its sun. He tried to get his neuron synaptic in his brain working, transmitting his cloudy memory from last night back.

Jian Kang Lu remembered Zhang Min bringing him into his car, and driving him home. His own car will be delivered to his home by his resident. He remembered Zhang Min tried to ask him whether he wanted to throw up again.

But Jian Kang Lu was so wasted he could not lift any finger. He could not say anything.. His mind was blurred. His head throbbing, spinning around. He wants to puke, but none can come out anymore.

He remembered Zhang Min opened the apartment door. In his hazy memories, he wants to call his kitten's name. Want to hug him and say that he loved him so much. And he wants to say to his kitten, for him to stay forever with him. Never leave him.

He remembered Zhang Min dragged him to the bedroom, and took his coat off. Some parts of it stained when he threw every last piece of his dinner. He remembered Zhang Min, who was skinnier than him, stumbled when Jian Kang Lu fell into the bed. He remembered Zhang Min left him in his bed. Maybe he was going home.

But he doesn't remember he saw his kitten when he came home. He should be sleeping in their bed in that hour. Does he fall asleep in the studio again like last time he pulled an all nighter?

Jian Kang Lu wants to puke again once his misty memories come back. Then he tried really hard to control his breath. Try to gather his consciousness. After a few deep breaths, he saw no trace of his kitten. 

Maybe his kitten was still mad at him, and even more furious after seeing he came home wasted like that. Jian Kang Lu sighed, he needed to apologise properly today.

He called his kitten, just wanted to say he missed him so much. And he wants to apologise as soon as possible. He knows his own acts are despicable. Jian Kang Lu was afraid his kitten would hate him. But his call didn't get through. After a few times ringing, it was off. And when he called again, it was told that his kitten's phone was off. 

Is his kitten still on the bus? Or something's up? Jian Kang Lu wants to throw up again. Maybe he needs to clean himself first.

Jian Kang Lu took a hot shower. He reminded himself to drink a lot of water today, flushed the alcohol out of his system as soon as possible. He's going to be late today, and maybe will only finish his patient visit in the afternoon. It's okay though, this is Christmas. They don't have a meeting schedule nor a presentation today.

He texted his kitten after shower. It was already 8.30 in the morning. Should he apologise through the text? But it doesn't seem right.

[Baby, did you arrive at your campus? Why didn't you wake me up?]

Jian Kang Lu knows that his kitten won't answer immediately, since he must have his class. So Jian Kang Lu didn't wait, and dressed himself. He felt something was weird when he got dressed. But his stomach was still burning from the alcohol, from his own gastric acid when he puked for dozens of times last night.

When he made himself a hot tea, he noticed his kitten didn't even prepare breakfast. It never happened before. And it seems his kitten didn't even have his own breakfast, since there's no trace of it. Jian Kang Lu frowned. Why does he have a bad feeling? This ominous feeling has been disturbing him since he woke up.

'No, no, no.. It can't be…'

Jian Kang Lu hurriedly ran to his bedroom and checked the dressing room. He was right. He doesn't see his kitten's clothes and luggage. Previously he was too nauseous from the hangover. But now all the uncomfortable nauseous feeling in his stomach came from his fear.

He hurriedly texted his kitten.

[TangTang, where's your luggage?]

Jian Kang Lu was just staring at his phone. His hands felt cold. He tried not to think about his fear, afraid his worst nightmare will come true once he thinks about it. His hands trembled, and tried to call his kitten. But his kitten's phone is off. 

[TangTang, where are you?]

All the memories from his kitten's disappearance last summer emerged, and even worse now. After he finally felt what it feels to be truly happy, living in a dream, how could he go back to his old desolate life?

[Baby, why did you turn off your phone?]

Jian Kang Lu opened his tracking application. It seems his kitten's last position is in his campus, in his friend's dorm. It must be Liu Xiang and Tang Yuxuan's dorm. He was relieved for a moment. He forgot temporarily that his kitten won't abandon his studies. His kitten was not a person like that.

[TangTang, we need to talk. Where are you? I'll come over there.]

Jian Kang Lu didn't know where his car key. So he called a taxi and went to the hospital. He needed to finish his patient visit as soon as he could, and then cancelled his practice this afternoon.

[Baby, let's talk. Don't run away from me.]

Once he arrived in the hospital, he texted his kitten again before he started his VIP ward visit. He doesn't mind begging for his kitten's forgiveness.

[Baby, please don't be mad with me. Let's talk first.]

All the nurses asked if he's okay. They say he looked pale. Jian Kang Lu thanked them when they gave him another hot tea. They even look worried when Jian Kang Lu asks for some sugar inside his tea. All of them knew that Jian Kang Lu almost never drinks something sweet unless it was fruit juice. After he finished the VIP ward, he walked to the regular ward and texted his kitten again at the lift.

[TangTang, let me explain.]

He felt so miserable. He needed to know what exactly makes his kitten mad at him so he could apologise properly. Because his jealousy? Because he got home so late last night? Because he was wasted?

[Baby, you promise me, that you would not run away from me.]

After his regular ward visit and once again answering the nurses concern about his pale face. His residents gave him his car key. They apologised they didn't take him home because Prof Lai already asked Doctor Zhang. 

Jian Kang Lu suddenly straightened his back. 'Is it because Zhang Min?' Jian Kang Lu immediately called Zhang Min when he walked away from the hospital.

"Hello." Zhang Min's voice sounded tired when answering the phone.

"Did you take me home last night?"

"Yes I do. Your colleagues asked me last night. Something's wrong?"

"Did you meet my boyfriend? Did you tell him that we were ex-lover?"

There's some pauses before Zhang Min answered. "I think someone opened the door when I put you in the bed. I tried to check, but I saw none. I also asked if there was someone else in your apartment, but no one answered. So i thought it was my imagination."

Jian Kang Lu's mind is already a mess right now. He tried to imagine what's on his kitten's mind when he saw a man take him home. But if his kitten didn't know that Zhang Min was his ex-lover, he shouldn't be this mad. It's normal for colleagues to bring their comrade back home after being defeated in the dinner party.

"Does your boyfriend live together with you?" Zhang Min's voice dragged him back to reality.

"Yes. We're living together. And it seems he's mad at me today. That's why I asked you whether you met him, and what did you guys talk about last night, before I could properly apologize to him."

"I didn't know you have a boyfriend. I'm sorry, i shouldn't take you home."

Jian Kang Lu sighed. "That's okay. I'm the one who should thank you for troubling you. Thanks. But maybe next time you should reject it if this thing ever happened again."

Jian Kang Lu called the taxi, and texted his kitten again. He hasn't eaten this whole day. But he doesn't feel anything. He was too anxious. 'Please, please.. Please don't leave me, TangTang.'

[Baby, i missed you. Please, just come back.]

He arrived at the T university. He knew where the architecture faculty located, so he straightly went over there. Without his kitten knowing, Jian Kang Lu took a picture of his classes schedule. He was so glad he did it before, or else he'll be blind today didn't know which building his kitten went. While waiting in front of the building until his kitten finished his class, he kept calling, and texting.

[TangTang, please forgive me. Please..]

[TangTang… Please…]

Jian Kang Lu almost jumped when finally his kitten's phone turned on. But his kitten didn't answer. Jian Kang Lu doesn't care, he just keeps calling. He needs to see his kitten, apologise, do everything he could so his kitten comes back to him. Never leave him.

But his kitten turned his phone off again. Jian Kang Lu opened the application once again. It seems he was in the right building, but he didn't see his kitten. Should he just ask these students? But what if his kitten already walked away from here? He should just wait in Liu Xiang's dorm. His kitten must stay with them temporarily, or will meet them today. Should he call them?

WIth all the mess in his mind, finally he saw his kitten walk to the dorm's yard. He didn't even realise he was running to the man he loved the most and just grabbed his kitten's arms. He needs to make sure that this man can't run from him again.

"TangTang, why didn't you answer my call?"

Jian Kang Lu's voice is trembling. How he wished he could just hug his kitten, begging for apologise here, and take him back. But even in this cold winter, there are still many students walking around them. He doesn't want to make his kitten even more angry with him.

"TangTang, why don't you listen to my explanation first? Please?"

Jian Kang Lu can't even see his kitten's face. His kitten just lowered his head.

"Can we talk?"

His kitten tried to push his hands. But Jian Kang Lu won't let this man run again. How could he let his kitten slip away from him?

"Don't run away. Do you want to talk here? Okay. It was not like you think. I'm sorry I wasted last night, bu.."

Before he could explain, his kitten just yanked his hand as hard as he could. But Jian Kang Lu gripped even tighter. He can't let this man go.

"Let me go." His kitten's voice trembled. Jian Kang Lu's really can't think straight. He doesn't want to.. He can't.. He just wants his kitten back to him. No matter what, his kitten needs to come back to him.

"No. I don't mind talking to you here, or hug you here if you don't want to listen to me."

In normal situations, Jian Kang Lu will care about what people will think when they see two men standing like this in the middle of the dorm's yard. He doesn't want his kitten to get hurt from those malicious comments. But now he doesn't care. He'll use every way to get this man listened to his explanation, and come back to him.

"Let me go. Now! I also don't mind shouting here, asking for help."

Jian Kang Lu was quiet for a while, he couldn't even breathe properly. His cold hands numbed, all his fear emerged. And that tiny part of him that he doesn't want to acknowledge came into existence. 

If people know his kitten is his lover, and his kitten is getting hurt because of that, maybe that's a good thing. Because that means only Jian Kang Lu who could comfort him, protect him, since his kitten will have no one else to lean on.

"I don't mind you shouting here. Try me." 

His kitten tried to kick him, yanked his hand. It was no use, Jian Kang Lu won't allow this man to leave him.

"Let me go! I warn you. I don't want to hear anything. Not now, ever!" 

His kitten's voice trembles, and it seems his kitten truly hates him. He doesn't care. Even if his kitten hates him, it doesn't matter, as long as he comes back to him.

"I don't want to hear anything from you. It was useless. Let's just break up."

Once Jian Kang Lu heard that, he didn't even realise he just gripped his kitten's arms tighter and hurt his kitten's arms. He was so afraid until his own rage erupted like a volcano. Does his kitten really want him to do that despicable thing? Does he really need to push his kitten that way?

"TangTang, the thing i hate the most is to hear the break up words. Don't ever say that to me. Listen to me first. Talk. Like adults."

"Then I'm not an adult. You're free to find an adult that suits your taste."

"TangTang!"

"Let me go!"

This time, his kitten almost shouted. Jian Kang Lu almost wanted to hug him here, dragged him and locked him in his apartment. So he never could run away from him ever again. 

Then he saw his kitten's eyes. It was red. 

Jian Kang Lu felt his volcano immediately frozen. What the hell he was doing now? He never wanted to hurt his kitten. How could he change into a man like this? Jian Kang Lu sighed, tried to bring his gentle tone back. He needs to give his kitten some time. He could come again. He could spend the rest of his life pursuing his kitten back if that's what it takes to make his kitten forgive him, and come back to him.

"Okay, I'll give you time. Let me know once you are ready to talk. Please TangTang, I don't want us to break up. Ever."