The Stars In Your Eyes

December 26th

Jian Kang Lu opened his eyes with an empty gaze. He stared at the empty space on his left. It used to be a space occupied by his kitten. Laid in his arms. Right next to his beating heart. 

Without his kitten, his heart ceased from beating. Gave up. Since the existence responsible to its beating is gone.

Without his kitten, his bed was so lonely. Cold. Just like the weather outside. Forever winter..

Jian Kang Lu closed his eyes, since opening it was too painful. But when he closed his eyes he still saw his kitten, sleeping soundly in his arms. His soft black satin hair was messed up from Jian Kang Lu arms and kisses. And that beautiful nape of him, extended to his round shoulder. How he wished that this is just a nightmare. And he would wake up with his kitten's soft whisper.

'Gege, wake up. Breakfast is ready.'

But this is not a dream. And it's even worse than a nightmare. 

Jian Kang Lu opened his eyes again. It seems closing his eyes just pained him even more. He doesn't know how long it will take to bring his kitten back to his arms again. That's why he needs to submit his urgent leave immediately. Contact his junior to handle his patients until new year.

Jian Kang Lu hoped his kitten would forgive him and come back to him as soon as possible. But he knew it's going to take a few days, judging from his kitten's face yesterday. 

Rage, betrayed, disappointed, and sorrow.

Jian Kang Lu didn't want to get up, but he had to. He needed to visit his patient first for today since he didn't notify his junior yesterday. He also didn't like if someone else suddenly dumped the responsibility without early notice, unless it's an emergency.

And in this world, it's not an emergency when your partner leaves you.

Jian Kang Lu spent his day like usual. Eat his breakfast because he has to. He doesn't have any appetite. But if he got sick, it means he won't have energy to pursue his kitten. And he could not allow that. 

He smiled in front of the nurses and his patients, doing what he had to do. This job doesn't allow you to make mistakes just because you have a bad day, for it will affect human's life.

Sometimes, he was grateful for that. Since when he examines his patient, his brain doesn't allow anything else to be there. He only needs to focus on the human in front of him. What symptoms they had, which anomaly he needed to unravel. 

From one patient to another. Shift the attention. 

Jian Kang Lu still messages his kitten with monotone text, calls his kitten whenever he moves to another ward. But his kitten didn't answer.

[TangTang, I missed you.]

[TangTang, please forgive me.]

[TangTang, come back to me.]

[TangTang, i need you..]

Jian Kang Lu also checked his kitten's position from time to time. That way, at least he still has something to hold on. At least he still knows where to reach his kitten.

After he finishes his ward visit, he goes to the T university again. Waiting for his kitten to finish his class. Jian Kang Lu felt cold, but this winter is warmer than his frozen world. The world without his kitten.

This is the different building from his kitten's schedule. But the application shows this building is where his kitten's position was last seen. Jian Kang Lu refreshed the app every five minutes. He could only look at the entrance. Imagining his kitten walk through there and smile, run towards him, hug him, come back to him.

Jian Kang Lu called his kitten from time to time. But his kitten still ignored him.

Snow fell this morning, leaving some of it's trace in the ground. The white grey ice freezes the earth. Enveloped the leaves and the trees with its icy texture. The bench he was sitting on now also freezed. But no other place is better for him to wait for his kitten. The world is covered with grey and white mist, monochromatic. The world will only be back to flourish their beauty once his kitten comes back to him.

Jian Kang Lu finally saw his kitten, his smile unknowingly rise to the surface. Even just to see his kitten is enough to bring the light back to his monochromatic world. He knew he promised to give his kitten some time, but he can't hold himself. He almost ran toward his kitten. How he wished he could touch his kitten once again, hold him once again in his arms.

"TangTang, can we just talk? I missed you…"

His kitten avoided him. Jian Kang Lu felt a slight pain in his heart when he saw his kitten's still didn't want to listen to him. Honestly, he didn't think he made a grave mistake, if only his kitten wanted to listen to him.

"It was all a misunderstanding, TangTang. That night I…"

"I told you, I don't want to hear anything from you. I don't even want to hear your voice again."

Before Jian Kang Lu even could finish his sentences, his kitten already cut him, and turned away from him. Jian Kang Lu sighed, followed his kitten. But his kitten's face was not looking good. Pale, and he seems thinner in just one day. Jian Kang Lu worried his kitten might get sick.

"TangTang, it's okay if you're still mad at me. But can we have dinner together tonight? I won't talk if you don't want to hear my voice."

This is okay, even though he could only see his kitten's back, following him behind like this is also good. As long as he could unfroze his world with his kitten's presence.

"I told you, we're over. I don't want to see you again. Save your effort to come here, and stop following me like this."

Jian Kang Lu halted his step. He really hates to hear that line come out from his kitten's lips. Jian Kang Lu hates on and off relationships the most. When you could easily say break up, then get back together again, it means in the future it was also easy to separate again. There's no respect for the commitment between them. And a relationship without commitment is the worst.

He sighed, it seems today was not the day his kitten came back to him. 

"Please wear your shawl and your brown jacket. This blue one is thinner. The wind has been very cold lately, I don't want you to get sick."

Jian Kang Lu saw his kitten slow his step, but then continue to move further away from him. Out of his reach.

"I'll come again tomorrow, TangTang…"

Jian Kang Lu spent his time sitting on the bench near the dorm area. He was just staring at the window where Liu Xiang and Tang Yuxuan lived. Where his kitten stays now. He only gets up once it shows 10 pm. 

Jian Kang Lu has his dinner in the living room. A sandwich from lunch time. He just reheat it in the microwave. After shower he only laid in his bed. Try to close his eyes. He already torture himself today, looking at his kitten's picture. He knew if he keeps doing that, it will only make him lose his sanity, and he might do something that will make his kitten hate him forever.

'TangTang.. I missed you…'

December 27th

Jian Kang Lu opened his eyes with the same expression. Stare blankly to his left side, to that empty pillow. It seems his worst nightmare still continued today. 

He woke up several times in his sleep. It always happens when he sleeps alone without his kitten. But it got even worse once his kitten uttered those despicable words.

Separation.

Jian Kang Lu ordered porridge and silently finished his breakfast. He finally has five days leave. He already managed everything yesterday. His colleagues show their concern, suggesting he get some check up too. They said his face looks pale after that dinner party.

"Are you sure it was not alcohol intoxication? At least go check your liver function."

Jian Kang Lu felt guilty to make Prof Kang think like that. But he could not say that how he wished this is just an intoxication from alcohol. Separated from his kitten felt a million times worse compared to a simple intoxication.

Jian Kang Lu really thinks he's going crazy, since he wandered at T university in this weather, just hoping he could see his kitten's glimpse. His messages and his calls were not getting through anymore. More or less he could guess what his kitten did.

Blocked him.

Luckily, the application was still going through. At least he could stare at that tiny dot in his screen, showing him the last connection he still had with his kitten. 

Jian Kang Lu diligently has his meal like he's having medication. He even put a reminder for him to eat. He once went through a time like this. And he learned that letting your body sick was not a wise thing to do. Every hour he will also warm himself with hot tea. He didn't need to drink coffee anymore these days. It will just worsen his insomnia.

Jian Kang Lu smiled once again when he saw his kitten's from far. But when he approached him, his kitten walked in a different direction. Jian Kang Lu just follows him silently. He sighed, why his kitten looked paler and lost weight in just a few days. This is all his fault. He thinks he really could not forgive himself if his kitten got sick.

"TangTang, have you eaten? Can we have dinner together tonight?"

His kitten ignored him. Just like yesterday. Jian Kang Lu really doesn't know what else he could say, or do, to make everything's right again. Maybe he could start from small conversation again, just like when he approached his kitten for the first time.

"TangTang, how's your day? Your exam is coming soon?"

"You know I have exams coming soon, and you're still bothering me like this."

Okay, this is worse. But at least his kitten's tone today is just cold, not filled with rage and misery like yesterday. It seems maybe he needs to take it slowly.

"I'm so happy to hear your voice."

Just walking together following his kitten silently from behind is also good. At least he could see him. Compared to those two months he spent without his kitten's presence, it seems this time still better.

Who he tried to fool? This is the worst thing he ever experienced in his whole life. It was like you're rising to heaven from the desolate earth, just to be banished to the coldest hell.

"I told you i don't want to hear anything from you, nor to be disturbed like this. Just go away, leave me alone!"

Jian Kang Lu sighed. He really wants to run and grab his kitten. But he needs to be patient. Nothing will come right if he just follows his own selfish desire. He could try again tomorrow, and pray for his kitten to forgive him soon. 

Unfreeze his world soon.