The Stars In Your Eyes

All the neurons in Jian Kang Lu's brain stop working. He didn't know whether this is another hallucination or reality. But never in his dream he imagined Bai Yutang showed up here, in his practice room. So he just stared at Bai Yutang, looking at the face he dreamed every night, the face that he yearned for.

The common procedure when a new patient comes is to ask the patient to sit down, and he will ask the patient about their general information first. Then he will chat about their symptoms, following with the physical examination. The attending nurse was always there to help the doctor do their job.

Nurse Li was not surprised when this young patient came with nervous looks in his face. Some young patients were nervous about their diseases and were not comfortable with consulting the doctor. Though this is the first time she saw a patient didn't sit down immediately. This young man was just standing there playing with his own hands. She wondered what symptoms he had to make a young man like him become this nervous.

But she found it weird when Doctor Jian kept silent. Usually Doctor Jian will flash his warm smile and invite the patient to sit down. Right when she wanted to tell the patient that it was okay to sit down and be comfortable, she heard that young patient speaking with a low and trembling voice.

"Gege…"

Hearing that voice triggered Jian Kang Lu's brain back to work. His mind is a mess, but he tried to be professional. And somehow he is also worried, does Bai Yutang come here because he was sick?

"Please sit down, TangTang."

Jian Kang Lu's heart ached to see how skinny Bai Yutang now. He looks pale. Now it is spring and the weather was good. Bai Yutang only wears a light short sleeve shirt with a light jacket on top. It could not hide the weight he's been losing for the last few months. Does he didn't eat regularly? Is it the financial matter again that prompts him from eating healthy meals? 

Jian Kang Lu could see that Bai Yutang was really anxious and looked uncomfortable. He could not hold himself worried about him. 

"Are you okay? Are you feeling sick?"

Jian Kang Lu sees Bai Yutang shake his head, but says nothing. Just then he realised that Nurse Li is still here. It's mandatory for having a third person besides doctor and patient, to avoid something bad happening inside the practice room. 

"Nurse Li, could you leave us for a moment. I know this patient personally."

Nurse Li knows that this is not the normal patient's consultation. "Okay Doctor Jian, I'll wait outside."

Once Nurse Li closed the door. Jian Kang Lu looked at the patient's chart. Usually the nurses outside will do simple examinations first, such as blood pressure, heart beat, temperature, and the main complaint which makes the patient come to see a doctor.

In the chart it was written that Bai Yutang's main complaint was headache and loss of appetite.

"You felt a headache? Since when? Is it everyday or intermittent? Throbbing or spinning? And loss of appetite? Did you vomit? Nauseous? Did your stomach hurt?"

Bai Yutang shook his head again. He is really nervous right now. It was a right decision to come to Jian Kang Lu's practice. In this practice room, Jian Kang Lu shows him his concern. His voice was as gentle as ever. No hostility he imagined would be thrown at him once Jian Kang Lu saw his face. 

In this practice room, Jian Kang Lu will treat him as a patient. And Bai Yutang knows that Jian Kang Lu was always kind and gentle to his patients.

He knows he needs to apologise, but he could not push his throat to produce the sound, utter the words he already prepared. He just sat there, silent like a statue.

Jian Kang Lu was not a fool. At first he was truly concerned whether Bai Yutang was really sick. But no patient will come to him as the senior nephrologist here, with complaints as mild as headache without any other disease.

Jian Kang Lu knows, if one visits their ex-lovers with nervous looks, it only means two things. Either Bai Yutang needs his help, or… For the other reason, he doesn't even want to think about it. He doesn't want to get his hopes high, for it will hurt him even more just to get his hopes crushed.

"You didn't come here to get consultation from me as a doctor, right?"

Jian Kang Lu could only see the head of Bai Yutang hanging low and nodded slowly. How he wished that the man in front of him could raise his head, so Jian Kang Lu could see that white jade face he longs for. To see that unkempt hair, that fingers anxiously fidgeting above Bai Yutang's knees, only makes Jian Kang Lu's heart stung once again.

"Have you had your dinner? I haven't. Can you accompany me? That if you're not busy."

Jian Kang Lu felt his passive heart beating once more to see the man he loved nodded his head and that soft voice answering him.

"I'm not busy.."

"Then, wait for me here. Let's go together, okay?"

Bai Yutang nodded. He tried his best to hold his tears. Why this man is always kind and gentle, even though he did not deserve to be treated this way. He was so rude, and selfish, and hurt this man so much.

So Bai Yutang only sat there quietly, waiting for Jian Kang Lu typing in his computer and closed his record. Once Jian Kang Lu finished, he stood up and approached him.

"Come, TangTang."

Bai Yutang following Jian Kang Lu walking out from the room. He could hear Jian Kang Lu tell the nurses outside that he already closed the tab and also introduce him.

"This is my friend, Bai Yutang. I'd close his record with FOC and no prescription. So no need to settle the bills and you could go home. TangTang, this is Nurse Li and Nurse Yu."

Bai Yutang greeted them. Once they say goodbye to the nurses, he follows Jian Kang Lu to the parking lot. He felt awkward, so he said nothing. Once he got inside the car, Jian Kang Lu asked him again.

"What do you want to eat?"

"Up to you, Gege.. I'll follow you."

"Hmmm, let's eat at the Japanese restaurant near the corner. I remember you like the ootoro and the uni there. Is that okay for you?"

Bai Yutang nodded his head and once again his heart stinging. It was painful and also made him happy at the same time, to know that Jian Kang Lu still remembered what he liked to eat.

Once they arrived and ordered the food, Bai Yutang opened his mouth, he wanted to apologise. But once again, he could not say anything. Why was it so hard for him to speak? Why was he so afraid? He felt that if he said nothing, then he could stay longer with Jian Kang Lu.

Jian Kang Lu saw that beautiful lips he adored opened several times with no words sounded. His heart already ached from looking at his skinny kitten, and ached even more to see his kitten's shoulder dropped, anxiously playing with his fingers.

"How's your mother? And RenRen? And how are you? Did you skip your meals again? You look like you're losing weight."

"I'm okay. My mother and RenRen are also okay. Just being busy with midterm exams. I didn't skip my meals, Gege." Bai Yutang lied. 

He didn't want Jian Kang Lu mad with him because of skipping meals. One of the things Jian Kang Lu nagged him so much is when he skipped his meals.

"Then eat a lot tonight, you need to gain your weight back. Your complexion did not look good."

They just talked about trivial things until they finished their dinner. It was like there's nothing bad happening between them. It was not like they were ex-lovers who didn't meet each other for four months. And for the first time this year, Bai Yutang's tongue finally could taste food again. He finished all the things he ordered, and also finished everything that Jian Kang Lu put in his plate.

Just like the old time.

Once they finished, they were back in the car. Once inside, Jian Kang Lu still saw his kitten's head still hanging low. Tonight, he felt happy. He could see that enchanting pair of phoenix eyes clearly when they had their dinner, and also could stare at those beautiful slender hands using the chopsticks to pick the ootoro and other things he put in his kitten's plate.

But inside his car, he could not see his kitten's face clearly. The light was dimmed, and his kitten didn't want to raise his head. Jian Kang Lu only started the engine, but didn't drive yet.

"Let me drive you back to the dorm, this is already late. You stay in the dorm, right? Or you stay somewhere else?"

Jian Kang Lu didn't get any response from his kitten, so he waited. But a few moments passed and Bai Yutang said nothing. He took a deep breath, maybe it's time to stop playing dumb.

"TangTang, what's going on? Is there something you want to say to me? Is there something I could help?"

Jian Kang Lu was surprised once he saw tears start to drop in his kitten's cheek. How could he stand to see those tears running from his beloved kitten's eyes? His body just moved by himself, without thinking much of the consequences. 

He wiped those sparkling beads, looking at the pair of those beautiful black eyes which lost its light. Jian Kang Lu's fingers ran through his kitten's cheek, and cupped that face he adored so he could see them clearly. Then he hugged his skinny kitten.

It's been so long, and his heart felt like it wanted to explode by this amount of happiness from holding his kitten once again in his arms. Something he thought would never happen again in his life. And he even gripped tighter when he felt Bai Yutang hugged him back.

"Gege, why are you so kind to me? I.. I come here to apologise to you, for all my stupid and foolish doings. I.. I was so childish, and I want to apologise. But I was so afraid, and could not say anything to you this whole night. I'm sorry, Gege.. I'm sorry.. Could you forgive me?"

Jian Kang Lu embraces his kitten whole. He was so happy. Is this another dream? But lately he has never had a dream as sweet as this. His heart stopped beating when he lost his kitten. But today it is pounding so hard from this overwhelming emotion. Since the existence of his beating heart was back, and now laid in his arms.

"What to forgive? You've done nothing wrong."

He kissed his kitten's eyes, that wet cheek, and that pale forehead.

"Don't cry, TangTang. It hurts me to see you cry."

But his kitten didn't stop crying, and just hugged him tight. He keeps repeating the same words over and over again. 

"I'm sorry, gege. I was wrong. Please forgive me.."