The Stars In Your Eyes

The clock shows it was almost 11 o'clock. Jian Kang Lu felt tonight he was just like walking in the soft cloud with rainbows and flowers bloom everywhere in his world. Just with this man's presence around him is enough to melt his frozen world. To let the paralyzed time tick once more.

Once when he embraced this man's soft figure was enough to let him breathe again. To let his hands caress his kitten's smooth silky hair once again, and his other hands held that narrow waist tightly, is just like a dream felt so real. It scared him.

His kitten only wears a thin shirt under that jacket. And he could feel his kitten's warmth seeping from his hands, carried by his veins back to his heart. For once after the coldest winter, he could truly feel the spring come to his life once more. Greets his skins as butterfly wings greet the air. Revealing their soft hearts within.

How he wished for the time stopped again. To stay in this moment for eternity. Just both of them, together.

Jian Kang Lu knows he needs to ask his kitten whether he got another chance to be with him once more. Does his kitten allow him to show his love once more? Does his kitten want to stay with him tonight? But he was just too afraid. 

How if his kitten said he wanted to go back to his dorm? Jian Kang Lu can't bear to be separated once more. Jian Kang Lu just wants to hold his kitten, and never let him go again.

So they stayed stillt, in the quiet dark car, in the corner of the desolate parking lot.

When the clock showed it was fifteen minutes past eleven, his kitten finally spoke. His voice was low, hoarse, muffled. Jian Kang Lu could feel his kitten's warm breath in his neck when he spoke.

"Gege, can i stay with you tonight?"

Jian Kang Lu never imagined he could feel this happy once more. He can't even describe what he feels inside. With this amount of happiness, he can't believe that this is not a dream. How awful his morning is if he wakes up and realizes that this is just a cruel dream.

"I hope that this is not another dream, TangTang.."

Jian Kang Lu kisses his kitten's smooth forehead once more, and drives to his rented apartment.

Bai Yutang didn't pay attention at first, since his heart barely managed to survive the rollercoaster of emotions. From anxiety, fear, sorrow, misery, then happiness and gratitude. All of it was enough to blind his senses from his surroundings.

Not until he saw Jian Kang Lu entering the different parking lot from his apartment then he realised something was wrong. But he said nothing. He follows Jian Kang Lu's steps, walking inside the apartment building.

He looked at the hands holding his own, gripping tight, never letting his hands. Those warm hands who always protect him. Comfort him.

Once they were inside this studio apartment, Bai Yutang looked at his surroundings. This small studio apartment only consists of one bed, one small living room and small kitchen. Nothing else here, just like a temporary room. Not even a glass or plates lying in the kitchen. It's so empty, so cold. So lonely.

"I'm sorry TangTang, it's a bit cramped. Let us sleep here just for tonight and go back to the apartment tomorrow. Please wait here, and let me take a bath first."

Bai Yutang nodded and sat on the sofa. He takes a look for this beige wallpaper with a huge mirror in front of him. This is not Jian Kang Lu's style. Why did he take him here? And looking at those books laid on the shelves, also Jian Kang Lu's tablet upon the tablet, it seems he really stays here. But why? Since when?

"TangTang, umm, sorry.. Can you get me some clothes? And underwear too?"

Jian Kang Lu can't believe he just went straight for shower in the bathroom, forget to get all his clothes. Lucky for him, at least the towel was inside the bathroom. Even though he was naked in front of his kitten hundreds of times before, somehow tonight he was embarrassed. He doesn't know why he felt this shy, he was not even a virgin for God's sake.

Bai Yutang looked at the closet. He stood up and opened it. Jian Kang Lu's clothes were inside. Bai Yutang knew well what Jiang Kang Lu liked to wear to sleep. He took the clothes and the underwear from the drawer. 

Is this why the apartment was empty when he visited yesterday? Because Jian Kang Lu moved out from his apartment to this one? But why?

"Gege, your clothes."

Jian Kang Lu just opened the bathroom door for 10 cm, enough for his hands slipped and grabbed his clothes, then he closed it again. He scolded himself while he put on his T-Shirt. Why on earth did he feel like this?

He opened the bathroom door, trying to calm his pounding heart. "Do you want to take a bath, TangTang? Or just change your clothes and wash your face then go to sleep. I bet you felt very tired."

Bai Yutang nodded, "Can I borrow your clothes, gege?" His voice was so small. For some reason, after crying like a baby now the surge of embarrassment washed all over him. Why does he always show his tears to this man? It feels like asking for Jian Kang Lu to pity him. But it's okay, if it means he could spend tonight with the man he loved so much.

Not until he lost Jian Kang Lu then he just realised how much someone's soul could be ripped into pieces when lost the other half.

"Mmm, want me to choose the clothes for you?"

Bai Yutang nodded. He washed his face and brushed his teeth, then he opened the bathroom door. Walking slowly until he stands in front of Jian Kang Lu who sat in the bed. He wants to feel pampered once again. Adored once again. Loved once again.

"Gege.. Could you change my clothes.."

Jian Kang Lu felt this dream was too much for him. He felt if tomorrow he wakes up alone again, he will visit his psychiatric friend the first time he opened his eyes. Complaining about his latest sleeping pill medication for giving him a torturing dream like this.

His kitten standing in front of him, asking him to change his clothes. Even though Jian Kang Lu's brain stopped working, his body reacted on his own. He did this hundreds of times before. But usually he was the one who shamelessly pleaded. This is the first time for his kitten asking for it first.

He unbuttoned his kitten's shirt. His hands tremble like a naive youth who has never done this before. To see that beautiful milky skin under the shirt is enough to fry his brain. Then he tried steadying his hands to take that shirt off. Even just seeing the glimpse of soft skin is shaking his world, not to mention those pink buds naked in front of him. Inviting. Enchanting.

For some reason, Jian Kang Lu doesn't want to let the beast within him run wild. He just wants to make sure his kitten stays here with him. Stay beside him. And not using his kitten as a sexual object.

For men, it was their way to show their love. That's the distinctive of their XY chromosome. Affection is equal with physical contact. And it was their way to make sure that they were loved back. 

But not tonight.

Jian Kang Lu tried his best to chained the beast who was already roaring high, ramming his head to its cage. He was trembling when he put the T-shirt to his obedient kitten. And the hardest part is when he had to unzip his kitten's pants. He could only swallow his saliva and try to calculate the eGFR1 from his today's patient using different formulas.

Once his kitten is properly wrapped in clothes, he hugs his kitten's waist. Try to step on the beast's head who is begging him to be released.

"TangTang.. TangTang.. Don't leave me ever again.."

It hurts Bai Yutang to hear those words uttered in such a way, how could he hurt this man like this? Jian Kang Lu wasn't even mad at him. He always welcomed him with open arms, never rejecting him even once.

He could only stroke his lover's soft hair. Over and over again. "I won't, gege.. Thank you, for accepting my apology. And.. And I hope you are willing to give me a chance. To atone for my mistakes."

Both of them laid in the bed. Jian Kang Lu holds his kitten even tighter than usual, and just inhales that familiar scent who haunted him for months. Caress his kitten over and over again. 

"Gege, can i ask you something?"

"Mmm?"

"Why did you move here?"

Jian Kang Lu didn't know what to answer. Does he have to lie? But he knows, nothing comes good from it. He doesn't want his kitten to leave him again if he lied. So he took a deep breath before he answered.

"I can't stay there. It was so cold without you."

Bai Yutang's hand caressing his lover's back was halted once he heard that. He just realised how cruel he treated this man. His eyes warmed once again. Even though he already felt like dying inside without Jian Kang Lu in his world, he can't imagine what his lover will feel to stay there, in a place full of their memories.

"But I didn't sell it TangTang. Let me contact the cleaning auntie to clean it, and tomorrow I'll move there again. The password and the key are still the same. All of your belongings are still there."

"I know.. I'm sorry, gege. I went there last night, waiting for you.."

"What?" Jian Kang Lu was surprised, and regretted why he didn't stay at the apartment last night. If he knew, he could meet his kitten sooner. And he was glad he didn't lie.

His kitten hugged him tight.

"I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry.. Please forgive me, gege. Give me one more chance. I love you so much, and I never want to lose you ever again. I'm sorry.."

Jian Kang Lu sealed those pale lips who kept repeating those words. He kissed those lips softly, to feel the soft petal under his own lips. The most beautiful things in the world.

He doesn't want those beautiful lips he adored to repeating those words. He doesn't need it. It was enough to have his kitten back to him. He doesn't want his kitten to feel guilty over it. He was the lucky one for granted this one more chance.

To have the one with that warm soft voice, with smiles who sent his mind into an uncontrolled spiral, branded his soul with a simple mark. Love. Unconditional. The spark of hope between him and I.