The Stars In Your Eyes

It's been one week since the surgery. Bai Yutang sat in the lounge located in front of the ICU with a blank face. The hospital didn't allow family members to wait inside, but they gave time a few hours a day to visit the patient.

For a few days after the surgery, his mother didn't want to listen to anything from everyone. She stubbornly waited in front of this cold room. She sat in the chair here, refusing to step outside.

She will go inside and hold her husband's hand when they allow family members to come and visit the patient. Bai Yutang and his sister only have a few minutes everyday to see his father, the rest used by their mother.

Each time his mother visits his father, she will cry after that. Her mother ageing so fast these few days. Her face sunken with dark eye bags under her swollen eyes. She's getting thinner and looks very pale.. It looks like her life energy sucked by an unknown force.

Yesterday, finally his mother was willing to go home. She takes a bath and sleeps at home, under Bai Yutang's grandparents' plea and tears. Bai Yutang stayed in the hospital since yesterday, and just washed his face in the hospital's toilet.

His sister always comes home and sleeps at home every night. Bai Yutang insists her to do that. He also asks about her admission to W university. She said before his father collapsed last week, all the administration was taken care of. Bai Yutang relieved, less than one thing that needed to be occupied in his mind.

His father's state is much worse than his mother. Bai Yutang can't believe that this fragile man lying in the ICU bed is the same big man that always laughs and protects his family. His mouth connected with the ventilator, using the tube inserted to his lung. His eyes closed all the time. No matter what he did or say, his father gave no response.

His father's hand feels cold every time he holds it. Those big rough hands that always warm when ruffling his head, now just laying there without any single movement. Bai Yutang holds it lightly, to transfer the heat within his body into his father. Maybe his father will recognise him and recover faster.

He imagines his father open his eyes every single day when holding his father's hands. He prayed for a miracle, to see his father's eyes open once again. To see his tender smile once again. To hear his raspy voice once again.

Bai Yutang didn't cry. He can't.

He feels like if he cried right now, all his worlds will collapse and his father won't come back. And if he cried, then who would take care of his mother and his sister? He's the one that had to stand strong and become their pillar now. Their protector. To comfort them, and assure them everything is going to be alright.

His sister will come in the afternoon with his mom. She said she will also bring him lunch and clothes to change. Bai Yutang didn't come home at all. Because if something happens and needs family approval, he's the one who has to make it.

He didn't have any heart to ask his mother to decide anything. Should something bad happen due to the decision, his mother will blame herself forever. And he definitely can't let her sister do that. He's a man. He had to protect his mother and his sister well.

His uncle and his grandparents came a few times. Bai Yutang understands that his grandparents are old, the hospital is not a friendly place for old people to wait. Besides, with a lot of sick people here, old people are easily infected with infectious disease.

His aunt is pregnant with the second child. Bai Yutang still remember how devastated they were last year when her aunt having miscarriage. After the one child policy was abolished and changed into two-child policy, they're trying to have another child. With this pregnancy, her aunt just stayed at home with his cousin.

While staring at those milky white glass doors with muddy brains, his phone vibrating in his hand. He looked at the screen, and saw Jian Ge calling him. Jian Ge calls him every day. He also always chats at certain times, reminding him to have meals three times a day, and to sleep.

He picked up the phone, and answered with a hoarse voice.

"Hello Jian Ge."

"Hello TangTang, are you busy?"

"No Jian Ge, why?"

"Are you still in the hospital? Have you had your breakfast this morning?"

"…"

"Hello..?"

"I have, Jian Ge. I already have my breakfast." Bai Yutang lied. He doesn't have any spirit left to find breakfast this morning. So he simply just washed his face after he woke up, and back to sit like a statue in the chair.

"TangTang.. I'm in the W city. Do you mind if I visit your father in the hospital this noon?"

Bai Yutang's blank mind becomes full of questions at the moment. He wants to ask why Jian Ge here instead of B city. He wants to ask whether Jian Ge has something to do here. He wants to ask why Jian Ge wants to visit his father. He also wants to ask how many days he will stay here, and where he will stay.

But he can't find his voice. He felt like having a lump on his throat. He finally can only say, "I don't mind, Jian Ge."

"Can you tell me the name of the hospital, if you're still there then i'll go there right now."

Bai Yutang gave him the hospital name, then Jian Ge said that he will be there in 40 minutes.

Bai Yutang suddenly feels the lump is gone, and a rush of warmth tingles inside his vein, rushing to his heart. 

He is really really having a hard time. He never experienced becoming someone that needed to stay strong. He never imagined he had to become the head of the family in this kind of situation.

Previously he always felt safe with protection from his parents. He doesn't need to think about anything. Only need to study well. And now suddenly he had to face this situation. He wants to run away, but he knows it's impossible.

When he hears Jian Ge's soothing voice that said he was here, he feels like he doesn't have to pretend to be a strong man protecting his family. That's why though he wants to ask many things to Jian Ge, he said nothing. In fear Jian Ge will cancel his plan to visit him.

When Jian Ge calls him saying he is already near the hospital, Bai Yutang answers him that he is sitting in front of the ICU room. Bai Yutang then realizes his own sorry state. The last time he shaved was four days ago. His clothes wrinkled from sleeping in the chair. His hair is a mess, and oily too. He forgot the last time he washed his hair.

He ran to the toilet again and tried to wash his face and tidying his hair as best as he could. Not much can be done.

Bai Yutang went back to the lounge in front of the ICU, and saw Jian Ge walking from the corner. To see the man who he admired and always giving him guidance and comfort, he suddenly felt suffocated and his eyes warmed. He tried to hold back his desperation and all those things piling up in his heart this whole week.

Jian Ge saw him and walked faster towards him. He then stopped in front of him, looking at his eyes with an anxious face. He stares at him, and Bai Yutang can't help to lower down his face. He really doesn't want to cry here in front of Jian Ge. He clenched his fist to feel the pain of nails sunken to his skin. He had to hold it.

He wanted to say welcome to Jian Ge. He wanted to say thank you. But his throat is sore, and he's afraid he will truly start to cry if he says something. So he just closed his eyes and tried to calm his messy mind.

Then suddenly he feels the shadow in front of him getting closer, and feels an embrace enveloped his fragile body. Warm his heart.

"It's okay TangTang. It's okay to cry."

Bai Yutang's head and his body falls to a solid stand. His heavy heart finally can lean on. He heard those gentle voices, and those kind words he always wanted to hear. He wants someone to say to him that it's okay for him to cry. It's okay for him to be a child. It's okay for him to be weak.

He can't hold it anymore. All those things buried under his heart surged out like a flood after the storm. His tears start to fall one by one. He can't stop it.

He feels those warm hands holding his shoulder and his back. Those hands then softly ruffling his hair just like his father used to do.

"It's okay. It will be okay.." Those gentle words repeated, and soothing his broken spirit.

Bai Yutang just silently cried there, in Jian Ge's embrace. Jian Ge holds him and shields him from other people's sight. Protecting him, so the world could not see how pathetic he was now. He finally found a place to feel safe.

Bai Yutang doesn't know for how long he cried. He finally came back to his senses and stopped crying when his phone vibrated. He loses himself from Jian Ge, and then takes a look at his mobile phone.

His sister's voice heard from the other line. "Ge, we're almost there. What do you want to eat for lunch? Me and mom already eat at home. I want to pack the food for your lunch, but grandma said it will be a hassle for you to eat at the lounge. She suggests you go back home or eat outside near the hospital. Grandma said you need to rest too."

Bai Yutang tried to control his voice, "It's okay. Just come here first. Let's talk about that later."

He hung up the phone, but was still looking down. Staring at his own shoes. After crying, now he finally feels so ashamed to cry like that in front of Jian Ge.

"You haven't had your lunch yet? Do you wanna have lunch with me?"

Bai Yutang feels that warm soft breath from Jian Ge's mouth tickle his ear. He wants to say yes but he still can't find his own voice. In the end he just nodded his head.

Jian Ge pulled him to the chair in the corner. He then asked Bai Yutang to sit in the chair.

"I want to see your father, but maybe it was not convenient without your mother's approval. At least let me contact my neurologist friend here to know about his condition right now. Is that okay for you?"

Bai Yutang is still looking down at his own hand, he still doesn't have any face to look up to Jian Ge. He just nodded his head again.

Jian Ge sat next to him, and called his friends from his mobile phone. His left hand just patted Bai Yutang's knee in a rhythmic pattern. A soothing movement. As if saying those words he needs the most once again.

'It's okay. Everything is going to be okay.'