The Stars In Your Eyes

Bai Yutang is seriously determined to learn how to cook next week. This week he is still busy with his job. But today he finished all his work, and his professor praised him today after he sent the revised presentation layout this morning.

His professor said this Friday is the last day, and no more job for him. Both of the firms will calculate his total fee first and he will get paid next week. Bai Yutang conveyed his gratitude for his professor. He really learns a lot, equal to doing an internship in a professional firm.

So this Friday noon he had nothing to do. He intends to learn how to cook from the internet. Maybe he could search for the menu variety for one month first. He's so ashamed that he made fried rice five times this week.

Although Jian Kang Lu still shows his happy face and never complains about the food, even when Bai Yutang suffocated with this repeated menu.. He regretted why he offered to cook. He was a bad cook! Instead of helping Jian Kang Lu, Bai Yutang feels like he torture him.

He was afraid Jian Kang Lu was bored but just didn't want to offend him. Once he messaged Jian Kang Lu.

[Jian Ge, do you want to order food for dinner tonight, or you want me to cook?]

Jian Kang Lu just answered briefly.

[I'm fine with anything. If you're tired, you don't have to cook.]

Somehow when Bai Yutang saw that message, he just felt that Jian Kang Lu pinpoint that he's doing nothing the whole day at home. If he didn't cook, then he's just a lazy person doing nothing and dares to ask for leniency.

So he cooked everyday. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He still remembers that messed up stir-fry tofu. He wants to eat it by himself and not let Jian Kang Lu taste it. But not only Jian Kang Lu insisted on taste it, he also asked for it to be packed into the lunch box.

It tastes weird! But Jian Kang Lu always said everything he made tastes good and asks everything he cooked to put inside the lunch box too. 

Everything. No matter how weird it looks, no matter how weird the taste.

Bai Yutang is seriously thinking maybe Jian Kang Lu has a childhood dream to eat home made food but his mother never cooks for him.

Bai Yutang bought two lunch boxes and one tumbler from the store near apartment when he realised there were no lunch boxes in this house. That's why at first he had to settle with the food container from the food delivery before. On Wednesday they do groceries shopping again. They didn't watch movies because Jian Kang Lu said that groceries shopping is more important.

After his professor hung up, Bai Yutang checked his phone, and noticed that he had calendar notice. What event he saved for today? He opened it and was stunned. Today is Jian Kang Lu's birthday! How could he forget it?

Bai Yutang cursed himself. Jian Kang Lu is the first person to say happy birthday to him this year, and took him to stroll around the night market. It was one of his memorable happy memories.

And he forgot Jian Kang Lu's birthday. After all his kindness, Bai Yutang could not be the first person to say happy birthday to him. They even live in the same house!

Last night he was trying to finish the presentation layout and revise the sketches. He slept at 11 o'clock. He didn't check the calendar notice this morning because he eagerly wants to finish his task earlier to make sure if there are any revisions, he still has time to finish it.

Then he cooked.. And he didn't check his phone again. Jian Kang Lu said nothing this morning, not even showing any different gesture. Was he disappointed with him? Is it too late to say happy birthday now? No matter how, Jian Kang Lu must notice that Bai Yutang forgot that today is his birthday.

Bai Yutang flopped his body into the sofa in the living room. He really hates himself. He, with his mighty noble thinking that he must repay Jian Kang Lu's kindness with everything he had, talked big about not wanting to owe anything, but he forgot Jian Kang Lu's birthday.

He's mad with himself.

He's disappointed with himself.

Bai Yutang knows he could not buy any decent birthday gift to Jian Kang Lu, but at least he could be the first person to say happy birthday. 

But he didn't. Because he forgot.

Bai Yutang closed his eyes, put both his hands into his eyes, and hated himself. He's wondering, what can he do to make up for this mistake.

Maybe.. He can make a birthday cake? Pretending that he only pretends to forget, and gives a surprise later when Jian Kang Lu comes home? Put out the lights, and shout "Happy birthday" while giving him the home made cake?

Remembering this week, Jian Kang Lu's face is always happy when he eats his cook, maybe this will make up for his mistake?

But he never made a cake before… Bai Yutang remembers that Jian Kang Lu is not a big fan of sweets, but still can enjoy the dessert. He could search on the internet, the simple cake that could be made but not too sweet.

After searching so many recipes, Bai Yutang settled with Lemon Cheesecake. He tried to search for a no bake cake, and turns out there are so many recipes on the internet that allow you to make simple cakes without baking it.

Bai Yutang bought the ingredients from the groceries store near the apartment. They don't have a mixer, so Bai Yutang intends to stir it with hand power. He hoped the result was not bad. After many trial and error, he finally could make an edible one in the afternoon.

He put the cake in the refrigerator, and he remembered he forgot to buy the birthday candles. He hurriedly went downstairs again to buy candles. He seriously thought whether he needed to buy balloons to decorate the apartment. But in the end he didn't. He's just too ashamed.

Bai Yutang knows Jian Kang Lu usually goes home before 9 o'clock. Except Wednesday, from Monday to Friday Jian Kang Lu has an afternoon clinic schedule.

While waiting, he cooked sausage stir fried with shrimp and baby corn that he learned from the internet today, and wonton soup. He actually bought the instant wonton today in the groceries and only added the water. But next week he'll try to learn how to cook it properly.

At 8.30 pm Bai Yutang turned out the lights in the living room and dining room, just letting the lights from outside to peek from the glass door. He waited nervously. The time feels like flowing in the slow motion mode. He already prepared his surprise birthday line. The cake was already put in the living room, the candles ready to light up when Jian Kang Lu arrived.

He waited, and waited.. But Jian Kang Lu didn't show up.

Bai Yutang checks his mobile phone, it's already 9 o'clock. No messages from Jian Kang Lu. Bai Yutang wanted to call to ask. Jian Kang Lu never comes home more than 9 o'clock. Last year, or this week, he always comes home before nine.

Considering Jian Kang Lu's personality, if he comes home late he must let Bai Yutang know. Message, or call. He won't let Bai Yutang wait for him, because they will have dinner together.

While Bai Yutang ponders, he suddenly realizes, 'Wait.. Why am I confidently thinking that Jian Ge must be telling me? Who am I? I'm just someone he kindly offered to stay here because I have no money. I have to wait for him, but he didn't need to wait for me.'

Bai Yutang is ashamed of his overconfidence. But he can't help to feel disappointed. 

And sad. 

And even he doesn't want to, but he also feel... Angry.

It's already 9.30 pm. Still no messages or calls. Bai Yutang finally calls Jian Kang Lu. Not because he's hungry or because he needs to know where he is. But he started to worry. How if something bad happened to Jian Ge?

He calls three times. And no answer. The call went through, but no one answered.

'Is he mad at me because I forgot his birthday?'

'Is he okay? How if something bad happened?'

Bai Yutang now knows how Jian Kang Lu felt when he didn't answer his calls when he disappeared for two months. He regrets it so bad.

It's only a few hours, but he already feels so restless. Worried. Sad. All those feelings mixed together. And the worst part is, Bai Yutang knows no one he could contact to ask whether Jian Kang Lu is okay.

He doesn't know anyone's contact who can connect him with Jian Kang Lu.

He finally tried to call the hospital. He searched for the hospital number from the internet. When connected, the operator said that the kidney clinic is closed already since 8 pm. He needs to register on Monday morning if he needs to go to the clinic.

Bai Yutang doesn't even realise he's still waiting in the middle of darkness, only accompanied by the dim light from outside. He regrets he never asks for more information about Jian Kang Lu. He feel so helpless, and so stupid.

Jian Kang Lu was always attentive to him, but he never did the same. 

Jian Kang Lu always protects him, but he never does the same. 

Jian Kang Lu always takes care of him, but he never does the same. 

Jian Kang Lu always knows what to do. While he always regrets the things he never did.

It's already 11.45 pm… No messages. No calls. Nothing.

Bai Yutang didn't try to call Jian Kang Lu again. He thought, if Jian Kang Lu saw those tons of missed calls and the messages he sent, Jian Kang Lu would reply immediately if he could, or if he wanted.

Bai Yutang thought maybe Jian Kang Lu was having a birthday party somewhere with his friends. But why didn't he tell him anything. 

All his thought rounding back into the loop. Again and again in his mind.

'Is he mad at me because I forgot his birthday?'

'Is he okay? How if something bad happened?'

This day will be over. There's no meaning saying happy birthday again. The birthday is over. And he didn't say it. 

Again. 

Just like last year, he missed Jian Kang Lu's birthday.

Bai Yutang didn't realise his eyes welled up with tears. He feels helpless, he feels worried, he feels angry. 

But most of all.. This is the first time Jian Kang Lu makes him feel like he was nothing. He feels like he was an insignificant being. Exactly like he thought about himself.

Before, no matter how low he thought about himself in the past two months, Jian Kang Lu always raised his pride again. Praise him again and again. Let him hold on to his scattered dignity. 

And now, he feels unwanted.

Jian Kang Lu promised him that he'll never be alone.

But here right now in the darkness, Bai Yutang sits alone.

No Jian Kang Lu here, who asked to put the trust in him.

His eyes felt tired, he just realised he was crying. He laughs and mocks himself. Why did he cry? He was nothing. He was not important. Does crying make him turn into something important? Bai Yutang just realised that he depends on Jian Kang Lu so much.

He wiped his tears. But he can't stop it from welled up again, and flows silently from his eyes. He can't even tell himself to stop crying.

It's already 1 o'clock.. He's tired. He just slept for five hours last night. He woke up at 4 o'clock to make breakfast for Jian Kang Lu. Because yesterday's morning menu is quite complicated for him to cook.

He looked at the cake he made. It already warmed up. It should be served cold. The shape is ruined, because the cream he stirred today is not perfectly battered up. But he had no energy to put the cake back into the refrigerator. He just sits there, silently, in the dark, grip his mobile phone tight.

He didn't know when, but he fell asleep.

He's awoken with someone's touch. Awoken by someone's embrace. He knows this feeling, the feeling that always makes him feel safe. The warmth feeling that always makes him feel secure. The feeling that makes him feel.. Glad…

Makes him feel like nothing will go wrong in this world as long as this person holds him.

This someone holds him tight, and Bai Yutang feels like something warm and soft touches his hairline in his temples. With a hoarse gentle voice, with a hint of regret.

"I'm sorry, TangTang, I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I made you wait for so long."

"I'm sorry…"