The Stars In Your Eyes

Jian Kang Lu finished his practice 15 minutes before 8 pm. The nurses agreed to reduce today's patient because they know today is Doctor Jian's birthday. They bring a small cake and sing happy birthday to him.

Jian Kang Lu eats so many cakes today. Luckily they all bought the small one, and only gave him small pieces to eat. Or else he can't eat anything else today except birthday cake. The rest of the cake will be divided into themselves.

The resident and ward nurses give him cake in the morning. The nephrology division gave him cake at noon, and now the clinic nurses also give him cake at night. As usual, he promised to take them all to have dinner next Friday. This year's destination is a hotpot restaurant near the hospital.

Today, he just wants to go home sooner.. He missed his kitten.

After saying thank you and talking for a while with them, Jian Kang Lu's phone rings. It was from the ER.

Jian Kang Lu frowned, today is not his on call duty. Even if the person on duty didn't answer, it should be his junior's duty to answer. The ER doctors and residents know the rules.

Jian Kang Lu answered the phone. He knows it must be something urgent and important if they call him when he's not on duty.

After he heard the anxious resident's explanation, he understood. He excuse himself from the nurses. And run to the ER. He put his phone to his bag, and wear his coat again. He straightly go to the resuscitation room and examine the patient.

The patient is a VVIP patient. Super VVIP. She was the daughter of someone who holds a high position in this country. Her husband is also a VVIP person. Having the whole family as an important person in this country, it was understandable they demand the best treatment.

This patient is under Professor Kang Wen's surveillance, his head of nephrology division. The patient was having a kidney transplantation four years ago. It was a success procedure, but her main disease is Lupus. An autoimmune disease with many manifestations and complications.

This patient has her own medical team, because Lupus can affect her whole body. From the brain, skin, lungs, heart, kidney, blood vessel, everywhere. Until now, the modern medical knowledge still has no cure for autoimmune disease, especially this particular complicated disease.

Some people have mild manifestations, some are heavy. Some are mild for years, then have flare suddenly. It usually affects young females, and heavily influences their physical and psychological state.

When Jian Kang Lu arrived, the rheumatology and cardiology department leader was already there. The patient is having neuropsychiatric manifestations, and also the cardiac manifestations. Her heart is filled with excess fluid that needs to be drained. The problem is, the kidney function also shows rapid failure.

They need to discuss which procedure needs to be done first, especially with the kidney failure again after transplantation. Jian Kang Lu understands why he needs to be summoned here. Time is important, and Professor Kang Wen could not be reached immediately.

The patient's moved into the ICU. All the procedures will be done there. They agreed they will delay the heart procedure, and treat the lupus flare first with IVIG (Intravenous Immunoglobulin) therapy and high dose immunosuppressant.

The medication is already administered in ER, and later she will have CRRT (Continuous Renal Replacement Therapy) in the ICU. They also prepare the ventilator machine in case the patient starts to show respiratory failure signs.

Jian Kang Lu already instructed and set the machine prepared. But they still need to wait until the IVIG and the immunosuppressant are finished. From the discussion they agreed to have CRRT start 6 hours after the medication.

After finishing all the instructions and reporting it to Professor Kang Wen, Jian Kang Lu just realised his bag was still in the ER. He hasn't told his kitten yet that he will be late today. It's already 10.15 pm.

Jian Kang Lu just hoped that his kitten didn't wait for him and have his dinner first.

While he walked back to the ER, he met Professor Zhang Wu walking to the ICU direction. His face is really anxious and looks so tired. Jian Kang Lu also saw Zhang Min's wife. They were escorting a patient's bed, pushed by the nurses into the ICU.

Jian Kang Lu's heart stopped for a second. He knows who this patient is. 

It was Zhang Min.

Zhang Min must have another episode. He was admitted into ICU several times before. But years ago, usually Jian Kang Lu always accompanied him. Sending him into ICU with Professor Zhang Wu. Now it was Zhang Min's wife duty. Not his anymore.

Zhang Min had an arrhythmia condition, sometimes his heart would beat irregularly and very fast. Actually it was not life threatening, like several times told by the cardiologist to him and his family. But every time he has his episodes, his blood pressure will increase, he'll puke, and faint.

No father in this world will just leave his son in that condition. Who could guarantee that today's episode is not life threatening. So every time Zhang Min has episodes, he is always admitted into ICU.

Even though the cardiologist said it was not life threatening, the patient who had it really suffered. The heart felt like it would stop at any moment, their vision darkened, their whole body turned cold, and it was frightening.

So because of that, Zhang Min's anxiety emerged. He was sometimes afraid to do something that restrained his heart too much. He also starts having paranoia about all diseases related to his heart or blood vessel.

The worst thing above all, Zhang Min is very smart. So he will analyse every disease that could have similar symptoms with him. Deep inside his heart, he could not accept that his disease is 'only a mild arrhythmia, it's not life threatening.'

People who are already envious with this golden boy, mock him more behind him.

"Don't think about it too much."

"Don't work too much, or later you will have another episode."

"It must be because you haven't married yet, why don't you look for a wife. It will reduce your stress and your episode will decrease."

"You're already very lucky, why are you still stressed out?"

"Your condition is only stress, why do you have to think too much about other diseases?"

Zhang Min is a very smart and diligent person. Even with his heart condition, and those anxiety depression that haunted his daily life, he still managed to be one of the most promising oncologists like his father.

His research got international recognition, his patients also love this gentle and funny doctor. Zhang Min always smiles and laughs a lot in front of his patients. After all, cancer patients are also depressed with their own disease, so he tried to amuse them and alleviate their suffering.

That's why Jian Kang Lu used to love this man so much. And do anything for Zhang Min's happiness.

But Zhang Min in the end gave up.

Zhang Min loves his parents so much, he could not reject his father's request to see him get married. He could not admit to his parents that he was gay. He was the only child. He doesn't have any heart to let his father down.

But he also can't let Jian Kang Lu go. Zhang Min told him, the only thing who can let him get through his anxiety and depression is because Jian Kang Lu stayed by his side.

Jian Kang Lu could not say no to him. So he was waiting in the apartment when Zhang Min went into his blind date. He was waiting in the apartment every Saturday night when Zhang Min regularly met this woman. He was waiting in the apartment when Zhang Min and his family proposed to this woman.

Jian Kang Lu even attended their engagement four years ago.

He gave Zhang Min an ultimatum since the first time Zhang Min told him that he decided to have a blind date. Jian Kang Lu clearly stating, he could not be a hidden guy who fuck him in the dark while Zhang Min have a wife waiting at home. It was not fair for Jian Kang Lu, and cruelly unfair for his wife to be.

He could not agree with this, but he'll stay with him until he gets married. As a best friend.

Because deep inside, Jian Kang Lu still hopes that Zhang Min will choose him.

Zhang Min married her three years ago. That's when Jian Kang Lu resolutely not received his phone call again, nor replied to his messages, except patient's related. 

He's trying so hard. But Zhang Min still did not choose him in the end. So he gave up.

They still talk to each other, appear like a best friend just like before. After all, Zhang Min told him that it was weird if best friends suddenly become cold after the other one gets married. Zhang Min was really afraid if someone knew that he was gay.

But Jian Kang Lu draws a distinct line between real best friend and pretend to be best friend. They were not best friends after all, they were lovers who broke up. Just to have a chit chat in the hospital is fine. But Jian Kang Lu refused to meet him outside the hospital, or anything else not related to the hospital's matter.

When Professor Zhang Wu saw Jian Kang Lu, he called him immediately and held his hand. Jian Kang Lu, who used to be his student and received a lot of help from him, had to politely greet him and couldn't refuse when Professor Zhang Wu dragged him back into the ICU.

In the eyes of Zhang Wu, Jian Kang Lu is his son's best friend. The one who had his son's trust, and a very promising doctor. He likes his son's best friend so much. Jian Kang Lu is always calm, and manages to get Zhang Min calm too, relieving his episodes faster.

When his son's episode is relieved faster, that will relieve his heavy heart faster also.

So when he stressed out tonight because of his son's episode, and his daughter in law kept crying and panicking, he saw Jian Kang Lu as an oasis. He needs someone to talk, to get his heavy heart lightened.

And he always likes to talk with Jian Kang Lu. When this young man often comes to his house before to visit Zhang Min, they will talk about many things. It was very satisfying to talk with a person with wide knowledge.

Why can't Jian Kang Lu run away? 

First, he respects Professor Zhang Wu so much. Second, he knows Professor Zhang Wu is under a lot of pressure tonight, and needs someone to calm him down. Third, it was not polite to cut the conversation when your teacher is still talking to you.

In the doctor's circle, the most important three rules that a doctor has to hold is, attitude, attitude, and attitude.

Skills could be trained to master. Knowledge could be taught to learn. But attitude is something you are born with and very hard to change. So it was a very basic thing to respect your superior, appreciate your colleague, and guide your junior.

Thus Jian Kang Lu was trapped there, listening to Professor Zhang Wu for almost two hours. He even politely talks to Zhang Min's wife and calms her down too.

Zhang Min is conscious, and looks at him. But Zhang Min also didn't let him go. Zhang Min even remembered what today means to him and said happy birthday to him, which led to an even longer conversation with Professor Zhang Wu and Zhang Min's wife.

Jian Kang Lu is very anxious, he only hopes his kitten just has his dinner and goes to bed early.

When Zhang Min's condition was stable, he finally released Jian Kang Lu, saying that it was very late and he needed to go home and rest.

Jian Kang Lu relieved, he politely said goodbye to them and ran as fast as he could to fetch his bag. He also very tired. It's already 30 minutes past midnight. He relieved his bag in the ER was still held by his resident there. He look at his mobile phone, it was run out of battery.

Jian Kang Lu is just straight driving home. He's exhausted physically and mentally. He just wants to go to sleep when he reaches home, so tomorrow he could spend his time with his kitten with a fresh face and mind.

He reaches home at 1.15 in the morning. When he opened the door, he saw a dark living room. But the dimmed light from outside illuminates a shape in the sofa. He tried to adjust his vision in the dark and focus his tired eyes.

He saw his kitten fall asleep on the sofa.

He saw a.. cake? There's something shaped like a cake upon the table.

He saw things shaped like candles scattered around his kitten's hand, and also his kitten's mobile phone.

Regret washed over him like the tidal wave on a stormy beach. Each wave was icy cold and sent shivers down to his spine. Remorseful. Guilty.

His heart felt like it was stabbed by a rigged knife, and the pain formed felt even greater because he knew that it was his fault. He made his kitten wait for him.

He, who asked his kitten to put his trust in him, made his kitten waiting in the dark. Alone.

Jian Kang Lu walked in silent, collected the scattered candles and his kitten's mobile phone and put it on the table. Then he held his kitten. He lamented his own recklessness, neglecting his precious kitten. He was so mad with himself, and distressed to hold his kitten skinny body.

He could only say his regret, again and again. He could feel his kitten eyes a little bit swollen and damp. Seeing his kitten's tears fall because of him, really made Jian Kang Lu hate himself.

He just embraced his kitten, could only say "I'm sorry" all over again, and can't hold himself to land his lips in his kitten's temples. Near those salty skin tainted by his kitten's tears. Tried to erase his own guilt, tried to erase his kitten's sorrow.

He wished he could turn back time.

"I'm sorry, TangTang, I'm sorry.. I'm sorry I made you wait for so long."

"I'm sorry…"