Too Broke For Afterlife

[WARNING - MENTION OF SUICIDE AND DEPRESSION] 

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"Are you sad now?"

Ripped out of my trance I look up and into Nox' curious face.

"What?"

"Your friend chose her ex over you. Does that not hurt?"

"No. Why would it?"

With my foot I draw invisible circles into the marble ground, avoiding her eyes.

"What about fear? Are you scared?"

I raise my eyebrows. "Are you studying human emotions or something?"

"In a sense," Nox admits.

Jesus. I don't think I've ever met a weirder person. She might be a sociopath but that feels like a huge understatement considering all the creepy things she likes to say. 

Still, it's nice that somebody asks how I'm feeling, no matter their intention. 

"I am scared." The sentence leaves my mouth before I can stop myself.

"I thought so. You're alone now. Nobody to rely on. But this isn't the first time."

I raise an eyebrow. "How so?"

Nox smiles at me. "San Andy. The hooker, the car chase. And the dentist. You did all that by yourself and succeeded."

"Are you trying to comfort me right now?" I look at her unsure, should I say thank you? Ignore her comments? What are her intentions?

"I'm not sure. I think I'm just stating facts so we can bot return to realistic and neutral thought patterns."

"Neutral? Humans are never neutral."

"Right. I forgot."

Nox turns away and examines the tree.

We joke a lot that she has no soul and isn't actually human. But those jokes are starting to feel very real.

When we were in Peru and exchanged campfire stories about our previous lives, Nox had refused to tell one.

We don't know anything about her. Not where she is from, what her hobbies were or how she died. We only know her name. Nox. And I doubt that's even her real one.

"What are you hiding?"

She turns to me and looks surprised. "What do you mean?"

"I don't think you are who you say you are. So who are you?"

Nox hesitates, the question has caught her off guard.

Then she shrugs.

"Don't ask questions when you can't handle the answers."

I want to ask her what she means by that but that's when the tree starts rustling.

I curse the bad timing and also feel the fear growing.

My time has come.

"Parker. Stranger. It's your turn to fight for the last artefact. Walk through the door and pray that you'll return."

Oh boy.

"Kay."

I look at Nox one last time. "Good luck," is all she has to say.

I'm still not convinced she manipulated the others into voting for her for purely altruistic reasons.

"I'll need more than luck I think."

I decide that this is a good sentence to leave it on. If this kills me, I want that pessimistic phrase to be my last words.

I walk over to the door.

It's almost comical how peacefully the water is flowing. Like this place is completely unaware of the horrors that lie withing.

Or maybe it does now and simply wants to mock me.

I grab the door knob and turn it.

Behind the wood, it is completely dark but the light streaming within before I close the door show an altar with an empty bowl.

The entrance closes and I walk over to where the altar is standing as darkness blinds me.

"I'm here," I say, hoping to trigger a response.

A blue flame appears inside the bowl and burns brightly.

"Parker." The voice is back.

"You are the last fighter, strutting into your battle solo. To succeed and conquer you will have to face your biggest fear."

My biggest fear. I wonder what that could be.

I don't get scared often, most things just annoy me. I do not like horses though. But I already had to face that.

"You are a self-proclaimed loner that despises most other human beings. Social contact tires and irritates you beyond what's normal. But when there is no one around, that's when you're most vulnerable. Your biggest fear..."

The flame turns red for a second and shoots up into the air.

"...is loneliness."

Loneliness?

All I can do is stand there as I try to process what has been said.

I'm supposed to be scared of being lonely? I am the one who always begs to be left alone!

"That's it? Well, you're wrong."

"Parker, you are in denial. You push people away because of how little you love yourself but every time they don't make an effort to stay in your life, you break a little because you know that one day nobody will be left."

I do push people away.

I did with my parents.

I did with Kira.

I did with Noah.

I don't let anyone come close to me.

"Lately you have been robbed of the chance to make your own decisions. Am I correct?"

I nod.

I don't know how often I said "there's no choice" but it has really been screwing with my mind. Like I'm merely a puppet. Hell, I didn't even have a say in whether I'd have to do this challenge alone or not.

"I want to give you the chance to make your own decision for once. Listen closely. The door behind you is locked and can only be opened from the outside. This means you are trapped here unless somebody comes looking for you. But you are not forced to stay. Inside the bowl lies a small ampoule filled with poison. Drink it and you will find eternal freedom through death."

What kind of f*cked up choice is that? Are they being serious?

"Why would I want to kill myself?"

The answer doesn't come immediately.

"Loneliness kills people. You may choose between being alone and being lonely. The strength of your will may decide. Or wait for your friends and hand them all the power over your life. Good luck."

The flame dies and all light is gone.

I'm back in complete darkness.

Great. What now?

First I decide to check if the door is actually locked. I pull on the door knob but nothing moves. Dammit.

I knock against it.

"Nox? Hello?"

But no matter how long I wait, she isn't coming.

Nobody can hear me.

I already am getting bored so I walk over to where I remember the altar to be standing and use my hands to look for the bowl.

Despite my expectations, the metal is not heated from the flames and I look for te ampoule.

There is indeed a tiny glass bottle lying on the bottom. My one way ticket to Hell.

But I'm not going to kill myself. Never.

I've tried that before and was stuck floating around as a ghost. It wasn't fun and actually the reason I'm now in this very situation.

I decide to sit down somewhere and think.

My back glides down the wall until my ass hits the cold stone floor.

F*cking hell, if only Isabella hadn't chosen Judy.

Why did she do that anyway? Do chicks not have a bros before hoes codex?

I have helped her through the breakup and this is what I get.

I notice myself biting my lips as ugly thoughts enter my brain.

In this group, Isabella is definitely my favorite. And it hurts to see that I'm not hers.

Have I ever been anyone's favorite?

I know that my parents love Alex more. I mean, how could they not? He is smart, ambitious and well-behaved. I'm more or less a shame.

I never had any best friends until highschool but even with him the lines were blurry. He never called me his best friend, it's a one-sided feeling.

I have had girlfriends but never one that actually loved me. Not that I blame them, I don't even love myself. But even if I didn't push every single one of them away, they would have never stayed.

I've never been anyone's favorite.

I've never been that one person that knew all the secrets and dried all the tears. I've never been that and never will be.

I'm tolerable at best.

And now I'm sitting here, pitying myself. How disgustingly pathetic.

So. What am I waiting for?

At this point I highly doubt that anyone out of the group cares enough to look for me. They'll assume I didn't make it, have a moment of silence and move on.

Why save the life of someone who never wanted to live anyway? It's an unnecessary hastle with dissatisfying results.

F*ck.

I didn't think I was still this suicidal. After surviving the Materializer and starting over by sorting my life out I thought I had everything under control and was starting to get better.

But maybe that was just a euphoric phase. Now it died down and I might die with it.

The ampoule in my hand weighs heavily.

Why am I still holding it? There must be a reason I didn't put it back.

Maybe suicide is an option afterall.