Too Broke For Afterlife

????????????????????????

Alright, screw this bitch for a second. Back to my origin story.

Noah, who had offered to drive us to the location, had stopped his car in front of a shabby motel. A dusty neon sign reading "Free Rooms" was hanging above the door. It was the only attempted decoration apart from a doormat so worn-out that you couldn't make out the words that had once greeted shady guests.

You know it's an extra shitty motel when it doesn't even have a sign with its name outside. And I have seen too many horror movies to think summoning a ghost inside a nameless motel is a smart idea.

Not that I believed anything was going to happen. I'm just saying.

The person sitting behind the reception desk looked just as gloomy and dusty as the fake tree standing in the corner. Even the messy thick hair reminded me of the gummy palm leaves.

To the man we must have looked even more ridiculous though. A red-headed punk woman with ripped tights, a guy in a glittery sweatshirt and leopard pants and then me in my Standard Human outfit, bland enough to fade into the background.

"No smoking and no drugs." He had put a lot of emphasis on those words when showing us where to go. And I couldn't blame him.

We walked down the badly lit hallway until we arrived at room number 6. The lady who opened us was probably around 40, her black hair shaved and quaffed to form a mohawk, her right temple decorated with a just as black 'Bitches Don't Cry' Tattoo.

Actually, everything about her was black, even her irises. I wasn't sure whether it was due to her wearing contact lenses or the fear inside her eyes. She was so scared and practically pulled us into her room, begging us to start. A sheep inside wolf skin.

Linda pulled a bag of salt out of her fanny pack and started pouring it onto the ground to create a white circle. She explained that the salt is needed to keep demons away but the only thing it could have protected us from would have been a group of misplaced slugs. (Yes, sometimes I did pay attention in biology class.)

Once the circle was finished and the woman had turned off the lights and drawn the grey curtains, Noah pulled something out of his backpack that I truly had not expected.

It was a f*cking ouija board.

And if I wasn't mistaken, it had a Wallmart price tag still glued to its bottom.

"Let's sit down in a circle and hold each other's hands so I can speak the protection prayer." We did as we were told.

Noah closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Ghosts and spirits that roam this place,

hear our prayers, let us enter your space.

Give us guidance through the dark,

protect us from this hellish mark.

Fill our venture with gold shining bright

so we can get safely through this night."

Get safely through this night? Excuse me? Was he expecting someone to die?

My eyes shot open and I flinched when I saw that Noah was looking at me.

"You and Linda are going to be the translators. Put your hands on the planchette and whatever happens, do not let go. You hear me?" His stare was so intense that I didn't dare to ask what would happen if I was to let go.

Linda and I put our hands on the planchette, positioned in the middle of the board, while the lady was staring at the board, biting her fingernails.

Noah cleared his throat.

"Are there any spirits present tonight?"

I rolled my eyes.

This whole situation...I couldn't believe it.

If you had told me a few months ago that I would soon be sitting in a shitty motel and summon a ghost via a cheap ouija board together with Noah f*cking Henderson, I would have told you to stop taking acid.

But now I was here. And sadly sober.

At first nothing happened. Of course. But then, all of a sudden, the planchette slowly started moving towards the 'Yes'. The woman shrieked and I rolled my eyes.

I could feel how Linda was the one pushing it. I knew this wasn't real.

"What is your name," Noah asked, his voice awestruck but not surprised at all.

Of course not. Him and Linda had probably planned all of this meticulously to perfect the act. And I couldn't decide which of his two jobs I found to be morally more questionable.

"Hey man, what the f*ck are you doing?"

My head shot up at the sound of an unfamiliar voice. But I couldn't see anyone apart from the three others. And looking at their faces, they didn't hear it.

"Dude, I was just chillin' and now you here summoning me and shit. I thought us ghosts gotta stick together!"

I opened my mouth but didn't know what to say. From where the voice was coming from, I assumed the ghost was floating somewhere above Linda's head.

"Don't be looking all dumb now. This ouija crap don't work but now I'm here cuz you is participatin'. You a ghost too! You messin' with layers and shit. Why don't ya spell your own name, huh? And leave me the f*ck alone. Tell Martha to let me be dead in peace, a'ight? Jesus."

I blinked in confusion.

Okay, other ghosts talking to me. That's a new one.

But spelling my own name...that's actually not a bad idea.

Look, I'm not that stupid. This is obviously a scam and a bad one as well. But spelling my own name? Wouldn't that be funny, scaring Noah with the ghost of his late bully?

I knew I was supposed to help him and yadi yadi yada. But this shit was just way too funny. And besides, these two are dirty scammers. They deserve it.

Noah cleared his throat. "Spirit, what is your name?"

I could feel how Linda now started moving the planchette but I immediately pushed it in the opposite direction. To not make my manipulation obvious, I also ripped my eyes open and stared at the board as if I was in a trance. Noah seemed to notice.

"Uh ,Jordan. You okay there?"

'P'

"You look nervous."

'A'

"Is the ghost talking to you?"

'R'

"What is it spelling?"

'K'

"Park? What park?"

'E'

"Oh, it's still going."

'R.'

I stopped. Then I started breathing heavily, my head rolling over.

"U-uh, ok-kay. So Martha, your ex was called Parker, right?"

Martha pulled her black eyebrows together. The fear had faded from her face. "No, his name was Clark. I told you already."

I slowly turned my head to Noah. He looked terrified. So did Linda.

Well, well, well. You cunts did not see this one coming, did you?

"Okay, apparently there was another ghost present. Does anyone here know a Parker who-" Noah stopped. His face turned white.

"Oh shit."

Martha shook her head, she seemed irritated. "What is going on? You guys said you'd help me talk to Clark! Who the f*ck is Parker?"

"He's...someone I went to school with. He had a really bad...accident a few months ago. I saw it on Phasebook."

Phasebook.

Wait.

PHASEBOOK?

What f*cker thought it was appropriate to announce my DEATH on PHASEBOOK? I prayed that it wasn't my mom.

Like that one time she shared an old baby picture of me with a spoon in my mouth. The caption read: 'Today is a great day for beautiful memories! Here comes the plane, haha. xxx'

Cute, right?

Well. She posted it on 9/11.

Let that one sink in.

Meanwhile, Noah's face had turned red, his eyes were wide open and he was staring at his coworker with sweat forming on his face.

"Linda, this is really not funny."

The girl looked offended. "What? I'm not doing anything!"

"You know how sensitive I am about my past!"

"Noah, I swear, I didn't move it."

The two allies stared at each other for a while, trying to figure out if they were still on the same page.

"But..if you didn't do it…" He turned to me. "And you don't know about Parker..."

Silence.

Then Noah screamed.

"IT'S A REAL GHOST!"

He jumped up and ran out of the room, quicker than I could process. Linda, face filled with shock and confusion, looked at Martha and I. "Sorry." Then she was gone as well. I could hear them sprint down the hallway.

I leaned back against the bed and chuckled. Seriously? This was way too easy.

Martha looked at me confused.

"What just happened?"

I shook my head. "You just fell for two dirty scammers. They don't know shit about summoning ghosts. Sorry."

Martha's gaze was incredulous. "But…"

"Listen, I don't know you or Clark. Your ex died, that sucks. And you'll need your time to process it, sure. But bringing him back because you miss him will only hurt both of you. You gotta let go."

I got up and dusted off my pants. My eyes fell onto the ouija board.

"Oh, I guess you can keep this.. They won't be coming back."