Too Broke For Afterlife

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I don't know what's worse. Being stuck in a country like Peru without any idea what's about to happen. Or having to sit on the floor and play a stupid board game with the others. 

Have I ever mentioned that I hate board games? 

At birthday parties I always made sure I'd be too drunk to play before my friends pulled out Activito. 

Or Tabooho. That's the worst one of all. Who f*cking made that game? 

But I have to say no awful party game compares to this one and I don't think I have to explain why. 

"When the world needed cheese the most, it disappeared. Now the lactose intolerant rule the world for their nemesis is gone. +3 for all lactose intolerant players."

See what I mean? 

Clemens puts down the card and moves his bottle cap three fields forward. So does Isabella. With a weird look on her face.

"Do we really have to play this again? Can't we do something else for once?" Nox sighs and falls back against the wall. "Which card will be the next one? Maybe the free glasses one?"

"Are you not enjoying my board game? I made it myself, it took me a good 3 months."

Clemens seems insulted but Nox just rolls her eyes.

I take the dice as it's my turn.

The quicker we play, the sooner it will be over with. 

2.

"Oh, another world event card!" The man's face lights up.

"Oh, yippie." Unable to hide my boredom, I take a card from the red stack and turn it around.

"The biggest opticians have been accused of using toxic chemicals in their products. The market has crashed, all glasses are free! +3 for all players with glasses."

"I knew it!" Nox jumps up.

"F*ck this, I'll go take a walk."

Clemens shrugs. "You're missing out on valuable bonding time."

But Nox ignores his comment and stomps out of the room.

I wish I was brave enough to follow but Clemens scares me. With his fiery eyes and that dead voice. 

The door falls shut with a loud bang that shakes Walter awake, who must have fallen asleep out of boredom. He looks around as he notices that everyone is staring at him. 

"W-what?"

"The optician card."

"Oh!" He grabs his red pencil sharpener and moves it three fields forward.

I shake my head. "This is the weirdest board game I've ever played. What were you thinking when you made this?"

"Well, I simply wanted to emulate concepts of low quality entertainment and create a generic toy I could use as a compensation for my lacking ability in regards to what you like to call 'small talk'."

"So you think discussing lactose intolerance is small talk?"

"Is it not?" Clemens seems surprised and I look to Isabella for help but she seems lost in her thoughts.

"Okay, let's just-" But the small bell in the salesroom interrupts me.

"Hello?" The voice of a man echoes through the building.

Clemens' head shoots around to Walter. "Did Nox not lock the door behind her?"

He shrugs. "You should go look."

"Me? I always go look! You go!"

"N-no, what if…" Walter looks scared. "I c-can't-"

Oh my god.

"Do tell them that this business of ours has passed its closing hours. Or did you, in an act of scientific wonder, grow female genitalia?"

Walter hesitates but then, with shaking knees, slowly gets up. He turns to me. "Can you come with me? In case they try to kidnap me."

"Why would they-"

"Just do it." Clemens sighs. "Before he urinates his pants."

I grunt and get up from the floor as well to follow Walter out of the breakroom.

Do I really have to play bodyguard for a grown ass man?

On the other side of the door, Walter holds onto the handle as if it is his saving grace.

"H-hello?"

A 40 something year old man in biker shorts and bomber jaket turns around to us.

"Finally! You speak English?"

"Y-yes?"

"Good. Good. Listen man, something is wrong with your pumps. They aren't working."

"Uh…" Walter swallows. "That's..."

He looks at me, I stare back at him.

I try to use my telepathy skills. Come on dude, you got this.

But apparently I'm lacking in that department. 

"You handle this, I have work to do." And Walter rushes away, towards the toilets.

I stare after him, unable to believe that he seriously just chickened out and left me alone.

"So?"

I turn back to the stranger.

Okay Parker, time to put your lying skills to the test. After years of twisting the truth to escape my parents rules and nagging, this should be a cake walk.

"Sorry, we are closed."

"But your door was unlocked."

"Yes."

"Who would leave their door unlocked when they are closed?"

I sigh. "I guess we forgot."

The guy shakes his bald head.

"Man, that's not good. You gotta be careful around here. So many thugs, fricking third world countries. But now that you're here and open, could you turn on the pumps? I really need fuel."

Oh my god.

"We don't have any gas."

The man furrows his brows. "No gas? But this is...a gas station."

"Yes."

"Gas stations have gas."

"Yes."

"So?"

"We are closed."

I can see how the man starts getting angry and he steps towards me.

"What kind of customer service is this? I need gas! You're a gas station! Give me gas!"

I raise my hands. Calm down, Karen. But looking at his biceps, I swallow that joke.

"We don't have gas because the gas station is closed permanently."

"Permanently?" The man looks around and only now seems to notice all the empty shelves. "Then what are you guys doing here?"

Good question.

"We...bought this place. We're turning it into...a...dental...practice."

The guy shakes his head slowly. "A dental practice? Are you shitting me?"

"What? No! I'm the...dental assistant. And the guy you just talked to...was...the construction manager."

"Sure, kid. I know what's going on. You and your friend are hobos and sleeping here. I'm calling the police."

"NO!"

I might have yelled a bit too loudly because now the door to the breakroom opens and both Clemens and Isabella step out to see what's going on.

That is where I see my chance. Please let this work.

"Doctor!" I jump at Isabella and grab her shoulder.

"Do we need any more...uhm...nitrous oxide?"

She looks at me confused and mouths a 'what'.

"For your dental practice."

She still doesn't understand.

"Because you are the dentist."

After a second or two, her face lights up.

"Oh! Right. No, we should have enough for now."

I turn around to the intruder to see his reaction. "Believe me now? Or do you still want to call the police?"

But he doesn't even hear me, he is staring at Isabella. "Oh, hello! Let me introduce myself."

He starts walking over to her. "My name is Jonathan. I'm so sorry for interrupting your work, Ma'am." And he kisses her hand.

Isabella throws me a death glare before putting on a sweet smile.

"I'm sure there is no reason for you to call the police. Right?"

"Oh no, there is not. I was just joking." He laughs and turns to me to pat my shoulder but I quickly step away.

So he returns his attention to Isabella.

"I'm sorry for being so straightforward but I must admit that you have the most beautiful smile."

"Oh, stop. You're making me blush."

Of course she is not blushing but the guy buys it.

"Maybe we could...grab a coffee sometime."

Yup. She is going to kill me for this.

"I would love to but oh gosh! We have so much to do! We should get back to it now or we'll fall behind schedule and you know, time is money."

The man smiles down at the short woman. "Of course. I didn't mean to disturb. Next time I need someone to handle my mouth, I'll make sure to come back to you."

Gross.

"Have a wonderful day."

He plants a kiss onto her hand and then finally lets go.

The man walks over to the exist but turns back around to smile at Isabella.

"Bye." He winks. And then he is gone.

As soon as the car has driven away, she grabs my shoulders and pushes me against the next wall.

"Ouch!"

"What was that? Huh?"

She is fuming and I raise my hands instinctively. 

"I'm sorry, I couldn't come up with something better. But he believed me so now we are fine?"

Isabella's eyes are narrowed. "You owe me."

Thank god. 

"Yeah, yeah. Anything you want. But can you please let me go?"

"Fine. But never do this again. I'm not a decoy."

She releases her grip and I stumble a few steps away.

At that moment the bathroom door opens and Walter's head pokes out, looking around innocently.

I'll kill him.