i was my mistake

"What are you doing!"

Wan Qing set her sights on the white camellias that were slowly swaying in the wind, and suddenly regained her composure and asked, "Okay, okay, even if you want to express your love and liking with this bouquet of flowers, So what do you like about me? A beautiful girl's good-looking skin?"

"no……"

Wan Qing shifted her gaze to the side of the road, and suddenly pointed at a passing middle-aged uncle—his hair was greasy, as if he hadn't washed it for a long time, he was wearing an old gray cotton jacket, and his face was as bumpy as the surface of the moon. He took a breath of the cigarette, opened his mouth and exhaled slowly, revealing the row of yellow teeth.

"Do you like this kind of uncle?"

"Huh?"

"Would you like him the first time you saw him?"

"...No." Ye Chen was very honest.

"So what you like is just this beautiful girl's skin? Just because I have such a beautiful skin, no matter what I say or do, you will choose to forgive me? Just because of your heart Do you still have that masculine psychology, that kind of yearning for women and the care of showing gentlemanly demeanor?"

"No, no..." Wan Qing's question was so sharp that it directly pierced Ye Chen's heart. She suddenly used a smile to cover up her embarrassment at this moment, as if the sentence just now was just a joke, "I..."

"just joking?"

"..."

"Of course I know, you're not joking." There was no emotion in Wan Qing's emerald green eyes, just like the eyes of a dead person, "Love is very heavy, and it cannot be said casually. It's perfectly normal for a youthful young man to have a crush on a girl of the same age that he gets along with day and night, but you also need to think about whether it is love."

"No... What I like is your soul. Appearance and appearance are just the things that attracted me at the beginning. In fact, although you always have a sharp mouth, you are actually very gentle, aren't you? In my eyes, in fact You are mature and strong, you can always bear many things that I can't bear, and when there is no way to find a way, even if you really can't find any way, you can still be content with the status quo and live your life with a smile..."

"If that's the case, I won't commit suicide by jumping off the building." Wan Qing leaned forward slightly, whispering in her ear, "I'm cowardly and incompetent, afraid of change, lazy and inferior, and a little bit of achievement is worth it." Complacent, even if you know all the bad things about yourself, you don’t change them, you just live a mediocre life and enjoy the little bit of happiness you can still enjoy. If you want to worship me, then you don’t have to. If you want to learn from me , that would be even more ridiculous.”

Ye Chen hugged the flower in his hand tightly, and tried to smile, but there was a cry in his tone: "But...but... Who else can I like besides you? Only you understand me, understand me, understand me, Know how to guide me, I don't want to fall in love with men, and I don't want to hurt other girls, I, I can only, I can only be with you, I think... I will be with you in this life, I want, I Thinking about that is more or less happy..."

Wan Qing sighed, stood on tiptoe slightly, and gently wiped away the tears from the corners of her eyes with her thumb, but more crystal clear tears couldn't stop pouring out.

"Anyone may abandon me and leave me, but at least, uh... at least, you... won't!"

"You're just looking for a safe haven—you're not looking for a lover."

"Why can't it be both a lover and a shelter from the wind? We still have a lot of time, and we can love slowly together. Why do you think that my love that is not pure enough is not love?"

Wan Qing lowered her eyes slightly and licked her lips several times with her tongue, but she didn't say a word.

"Since God gave us this opportunity, shouldn't we cherish it! Is there a more suitable partner than us? The real self...!"

"Love and love must complement each other. We are all the same puzzle and cannot be put together."

"What you say is clear and logical, but how much do you know? Have you practiced all of these? In the end, you just never dare to take a step, so the future life is so miserable! I am different from you. I'm getting different from you, why can't I become another piece of the puzzle that can be put together with you?!"

Ye Chen yelled hysterically, her voice was so sharp that she could hardly hear what she was yelling.

She suddenly put the bouquet of flowers into Wan Qing's arms, wiped away her tears, and rushed into the lightly raining street.

"Hey, Ye Chen!" Wan Qing took two steps forward, but was forced back by the sudden heavy rain. She lowered her head, picked up the umbrella on the ground, and propped it up, "Can you mature?" A little bit, really..."

Seeing that she couldn't catch up with Ye Chen, Wan Qing held an umbrella and held flowers, and walked slowly towards home: "Love is about supporting each other, not seeking a shelter..."

She closed her eyes in pain, and the slightly harsh words echoed in her mind: "You are looking for a mother, not a partner!"

That was the most severe criticism ever given to him by his best friend.

She raised her head and smiled wryly: "When can I be considered an adult? In the end, am I considered an adult?"

……

When Wan Qing came home, her father looked at her in surprise: "Why didn't you two come back together? I saw that Ye Chen ran so fast that she was soaked all over. It's just right that she has a fever. What's going on?" ?”

"Oh...it's okay." Wan Qing forced a smile, "We parted ways on the way."

"Then why doesn't she hold an umbrella?"

"Probably hurry back."

"Oh, such a big bouquet of flowers."

"Ah."

"For me?" My father asked with a smile, "But today is Valentine's Day, not Father's Day."

Wan Qing echoed her father's humor, and forced a laugh again.

"No."

"Oh?"

"Ye Chen gave it to me."

"Ok?"

"She said, give it to her lover."

"Pfft." The father, who picked up a cup of tea and took a sip, spit out immediately, "This kid... well, yes, no matter what, he's still a little boy at heart, and it's normal to like girls, but he doesn't like it." I thought I would... like you."

"Well, that's not true love."

"True love..." Father picked up a cigarette, but didn't use the lighter to light it. "Who knows what is true love? When you are together, you can make both parties feel sweet. That's love." , As for the reason for falling in love in the first place, it will become less and less important as time goes by."

Wan Qing couldn't help laughing: "But I am her. As an adult, I don't mind any in-depth communication with the body, but with the soul - I understand everything about her, but she doesn't understand everything about me."

Father flicked on the lighter with a 'click click', and didn't speak for a long time. He just took a deep breath as if he remembered something when he saw that the smoke had burnt a little: "Don't you like Ye Chen?"

"Although he looks pretty, it's the type I like, but he's still a child who needs someone to take care of him, and many of his thoughts are so innocent that they are too naive..."

"Then you hate yourself?"

"It's quite annoying. A stupid idealist who always holds unrealistic fantasies. If he can wake up early, he won't feel that there is such a big gap in reality."

"That was the you before, the you who matured later, the you who became smooth, the you who had a panoramic view of the gloomy world - do you like it?"

"..."

"Do you hate it?"

"...also annoying."

"Then what kind of you do you like?"

"I don't like any of me." Wan Qing shook her head, "I don't like a single part of me."

"There is absolutely no one in this world who is not narcissistic. Everyone has more or less narcissism."

"If I am a person who succeeds in everything, is calculating and shrewd, never loses money, and makes his life very rich, then I may be narcissistic."

"Really, do you really like yourself in that state?" Father wrung out the cigarette butt in the ashtray.

"Ah."

"yes."

"..."

"No matter what, you shouldn't hurt that soft heart casually, I think, you must have said something excessive to Ye Chen, is it really okay to hurt your former self like that?"

"Just trying to make her mature."

"But you failed her wholeheartedly."

"...That's just childish liking."

"It's because she is naive, so she is sincere, isn't she? When she said that sentence, she must have done many mental preparations and psychological struggles. Why did she say that? Whether you say it clearly or not, life will not What has changed, but in her heart, she is also looking forward to the response of others?"

"Hey, Dad, shouldn't you be entangled in the fact that girls can't get married with girls?"

"Haha, you two are the same person, you have both been a man and a woman. What are these secular constraints to you? I just hope that you can truly go into the hearts of others, even if She is another you, but there must be something you don't understand, she is willing to understand you, are you willing to understand her?"

"What is there to know, I know her well..."

Father just laughed.

"..." Wan Qing covered her forehead, a little helpless, "Okay, okay, is she in the room?"

"Ah."

……

116. I am not you

The rain outside the window is still pattering, 'rustling', like the wind gently brushing the grass, or the slight sound of people walking through the snow.

A girl in a plain white dress raised her chair and turned her face up to the sky.

The lights on the ceiling cast a string of dreamy light and shadow.

She was only rocking back and forth, but it felt like she was spinning.

Everything in the world seemed to disappear, Wan Qing felt as if she was revolving around her, but ordinary fluorescent lamps cast out beautiful light and shadows like crystal lamps, she was like a lonely elf, wandering in time, about to slowly die.

"...wouldn't you be afraid of catching cold if you sit here in such a light suit?" Wan Qing couldn't help but break the dreamlike silence.

The spinning light and shadow like a dancing girl also disappeared without a trace.

It was back to the usual bedroom.

Ye Chen didn't answer, but curled up on the chair with his knees in his arms.

"Awkward?"

"No……"

"Who would believe that if you didn't make trouble, you would come back in the rain by yourself?"

"...Then you still ask?" Ye Chen curled his lips and muttered in a low voice, "Anyway, you know me best, you know what I'm thinking and saying, I'm completely transparent in front of you, you are the most powerful .”

"Why do you say that all of a sudden?"

Ye Chen turned his head away: "I just feel that you are always looking down on others from above. Do you really think you are so great? Why should you deny others or decide others' inner thoughts because of your two or three sentences? What do you think you are always right?"

Without even giving Wan Qing a chance to answer, she got into the bed without even showing half of her head, but said in a muffled voice, "I'm going to sleep."

"What time is it, are you asleep?"

No one responded to Wan Qing's usual complaint.

The atmosphere was stiff and silent for half an hour.

She wanted to speak several times, but didn't know what to say.

This is not some cartoon, just a few words of mouth can make others accept your own thoughts, or make yourself accept other people's thoughts.

Whether it is apologizing or getting others to apologize, it is a very difficult thing.

In the final analysis, there is no point in apologizing on this matter, because what should be said still does not make sense, and the temporary reconciliation is just an escape, and it will still be the same result again.

Or, the distance between the two will grow.

——It’s obviously the same person, what’s the matter!

Wan Qing was a little dumbfounded.

There was no movement from the bed at all.

"...Did you really fall asleep?" She muttered and lifted the quilt, only to see a little face with red eyes and a flustered expression, "Aren't you asleep?"

"What are you doing... why are you still..."

"Hello." Wan Qing sat down on the side of the bed solemnly, "Some things have to be explained clearly. In fact, I have vaguely noticed it before. You seem to like me. Could it be that the same person will have feelings for the same person? Is there any attraction?"

"Ordinary couples walking together must have many of the same characteristics..."

"...In short, I actually thought that this kind of thing might happen from the very beginning. Alas, isn't it too difficult for an adolescent child to give up the desire to explore 'love'?"

"Don't always treat others like children, okay!" Ye Chen grabbed the quilt angrily, "Don't always think that I am you—I am not you! I am different from you!"

Wan Qing looked at Ye Chen, and lightly pressed a finger on her forehead: "Yeah, I should have discovered that although you are me, you are not me, and you are becoming more and more different from me." gone."

"Huh? Ah?" This actually made her a little shy, "What, when?"

"A lot of times."

"Oh……"

Green eyes and black eyes faced each other, speechless for a while.

Both of them had a lot to say and a lot to express, but they didn't know what to say.

"...You, you come to bed."