Captured alive by the devil, I would rather die than submit

"Well, Pedro is right, La Servillier is lovely."

Although my appearance has changed, my heart still remains, the shadow of the past, that huge, snake-headed and lion-tailed monster, who likes to be praised for being beautiful and cute, people must feel disgusted, right? Even though I have become what I am now.

After the atmosphere relaxed, Pedeo also started to say something on his own initiative.

"With all due respect, Lord Lasevier, although Lady Lipatia organized us to chat and talk together before, but...due to your identity, we have always been somewhat..."

"Well, I know, I'm different from everyone else... Actually, I'm also afraid of being with you, to be honest, I was the same at that time, even now, I just want to be with Lipatia-sama. "

"Does La Servillier want to stay with me?"

"Ah."

Lady Lipatia smiled, sat on the chair, swayed her legs and said, "Then let's stay together and play games. I also like staying with La Servillier very much."

If it wasn't for the presence of Pedeo, I would definitely kneel in front of Lady Lipatia and hug her into my arms.

"Anyway, Monsieur de La Servillier..."

"If you can, just call me La Servier. After all, you are also a demon noble, and your status is actually higher than mine."

"Well, I see, La Servillier."

Pedeo is a very simple girl, and she is actually a young lady, so she doesn't have too much pretentious gestures. I asked her to call me by my name, and she agreed without any shirk.

"Then let's chat, the previous topic, Mr. Lasevier has become interested in men, isn't it?"

"Well... more or less."

"Have you ever thought of this before, I mean, before that..."

"Before I became a woman..." I put my hands between my thighs and looked down at the ground. "Actually... there were..."

"With whom? Is it His Majesty?"

"Your Majesty is indeed very handsome, and he is the dream partner of many women, but... as expected, I..."

"Then who are you interested in?"

My heart was beating faster and faster when facing this question, and the answer was lingering on my lips, but I didn't have the guts to say it.

I swallowed a mouthful of saliva, opened my mouth, and exhaled slowly.

"It's... Monstein."

"Master Monstein?!" Pedeo called out in surprise.

"Hey, who is Monstein?" Lady Lipatia asked.

Does Lipatia-sama no longer remember Monstein? Is it because she became a child?

"However... It's not incomprehensible for Lasevier to have such a mood. Monstein is indeed a very good man."

Pedeo was the one who succeeded Monstein, and he knew something about Monstein.

"Well, he is a very gentle man, and he is different from other demons. Although he is an important general under His Majesty with me, and to His Majesty, he is even more important than me, but...he... ..."

"My lord Monstein hasn't found any women, he's the same as you, Lasevier, is that right?"

"Well, that's right..."

I really want Monstein to see me the way I am now, and I don't know what he will say.

"If it wasn't for that, Lord Monstein..."

"Yes."

"Huh?" Lady Lipatia looked at me puzzled.

This is actually good, as for Lipatia-sama, I hope she can forget about that incident.

"Actually, I only regarded Monstein as a close friend at first. Even now, it may still be like this...but..."

"After all, do you like men, La Servillier?"

"This... I'm not very clear about it, but since it became like this, it seems that it is indeed physiologically..."

"Well, I understand, I will also have needs in this regard."

"really?"

"Well, yeah, it's going to be troublesome if it's not sorted out in time."

"Solve...how to solve..."

"I figured it out myself."

"How to solve it by myself... I don't quite understand."

Pedeo tilted his head slightly, his big fluffy tail was wagging back and forth.

"Of course it's done by hand."

"Do you use your hands..."

"If the desire is too strong, sometimes I will use tools."

"Is there any other tool!"

I never knew that women could have such strong desires.

"Master Lasevier, if someone wants to become one with you now, do you want it to be a man or a woman?"

"This one……"

It's a really complicated question, and I honestly don't know.

When I was in the garden with His Majesty, His Majesty really aroused my desire. As I said before, if His Majesty forced me, I would not resist, so I have no sense of rejection towards men... …perhaps……

What about the woman.

In my original appearance, I was actually very repulsive to women. I saw them as competitors or meaningless existence.

For example... Kumsha.

But after becoming a woman, this kind of mood has diminished. I no longer regard women as enemies. Instead... I am interested in them... no, it's us... In short, I have some interest in women.

This is one of the places where I struggle.

"If you want to say... maybe both men and women can..."

Chapter 54. Inescapable Despair

I think Pedeolo may have misunderstood me.

But if you think about it carefully, there is actually no misunderstanding. There is no ambiguity in this sentence, it is just the superficial meaning.But it is by no means only the superficial meaning, and more of it contains some unspeakable feelings in my heart.

Pedeo didn't show any embarrassing expressions for me. She didn't seem particularly disgusted, but she didn't expect me to say such a thing.

"Is that so..." After a while, Pedeo muttered. "Relax, don't worry, Lasevier, I don't mind such things, eh."

Pedeo forced himself to nod his head as if to strengthen his heart, to perform some kind of self-hypnosis.

Although I want to explain, but like I said, I can't explain this feeling clearly. It can only be said that it varies from person to person. Compared with gender, I care more about who the other person is. If it's someone I like, so what if it's male or female.

In fact, I think that I am more likely to like women. This is not completely based on self-guessing, but has a certain basis.

The first reason is that my spirit still has masculine characteristics and shadows. It is not appropriate to say that it is a bit preconceived. Although I did not like women when I was a man, after I became a woman, I was originally a man. On the contrary, the state of mind is more obvious.

As for the second point, that is my contradictory heart.

I want to become more like a female. This is not only my own subjective wish, but also objectively moving closer to that side. Because of this, I have a certain affection for men, and it is acceptable, but Since there is still a masculine shadow in my heart, the mentality of "wanting to completely become a female" allows me to find more sense of belonging in females.

"Honestly... I don't know what to do anymore, these things always bother me so much, I think I'm powerless to solve it anymore..."

"Although it may seem a bit arrogant to say this, La Servillier, I can understand your feelings." Pedro put a hand on his chest and said lightly.

"Yes." Lady Lipatia also nodded. "Although I don't understand it very well, I will support Lasevier no matter what, no matter what Lasevier chooses."

"Miss Lipatia..."

Although what Lady Lipatia said was meaningless, and it was just a child's words without much respect, but for me at this moment, such words produced far-reaching meaning and influence beyond themselves.

Someone has my back.

And it's my most important person.

"But since you are not sure about Lasevier, how about practicing it?" Pedeo suggested.

"practice……"

"Well, since you don't know what you want more in your heart, why don't you choose all possible options?"

"This one……"

I still don't quite understand what Pedeolo means. Of course, I'm not an idiot.

"I think this is the best way. Since you can't escape, then face both, and finally get what you want... Well, I'm not very good at speaking, but it probably feels like this."

Pedro's words were like a dagger, but they not only stabbed in my heart, but destroyed all my thoughts in an extremely illusory way.

"escape……"

I'm running away and I know this because everything is too hard for me now, and the life of a demon is cheap, because compared to humans and angels, demons have neither the protection of gods, nor humans have long known We have a biological structure that will die one day, so what do we have, and some just live every day in fear.

After stepping out in the next step, what will life be like, what will the world be like.

I don't have the courage to face it anymore, I'm afraid of losing everything I have.

I am afraid to die.

I don't want to die.

I get what I want.

Although I haven't gotten what I want more.

However, if I lose everything I have now, then if I take the next step, can I still go forward?

I don't want to be a general, but because of my background, my biological structure, the environment in which I grew up, and all objective or subjective factors, I have no choice but to become an excellent fighter.

But I don't regret being a warrior. I sacrificed everything for His Majesty and the Lucifer family, but I didn't get what I wanted. However, the only thing I got over the years was a tragic ending that went against my wishes.

I have thought about death, more than once, and death was a relief to me then.

I always repeat to myself over and over again, "It will be fine if this battle is over, everything will be fine", "It will be fine if you take this city, and you don't have to worry about everything", but after one battle There is still one battle, one city is won and another city is won, endless killings, endless wars, endless everything, and again and again ushering in the results I hate.

I thought about death.

Death is the end of everything.

The luckiest thing about demons is that when they die, they really disappear, as if they have never appeared in this world. For me, this is exactly a kind of relief, a perfect relief.

But there were things I couldn't let go of.

I can't let go of your majesty, I can't let go of my subordinates, I can't let go of my comrades-in-arms.

When I was alive, I was bound by other people and the world, but when I died, I was still bound by it all.

I don't want to kill any more, I'm tired, I swear again and again, I charge again and again.

People say that war can destroy a person's rationality, turning him into a monster, or completely destroy a person, making him a walking dead.

But unfortunately, I didn't become either of the two.

I am tired of killing, but I still want to continue to do it. My reason is still there, and my sensibility is still there. The war brings me only displeasure, but nothing about me has changed.

This is the real hell, the pain is not in physical torture, but in your inability to escape from everything and everything that you loathe and hate and bring you pain.

But I am not dead, I am still alive.

I'm just constantly suffering and constantly wondering what the hell we're fighting.

After a battle, countless lives died, and the rest went on to the next battlefield.

Generals always say things like "just win this battle and it's all over".

Obviously it will never end.

They were lied to, and I was lied to.

There are only two ways to escape.

I will die, or destroy the world.