Hikigaya doesn't want to be a force of strength

But Hikigaya's expression was undoubtedly serious, even though his cheeks were burning when he said this and he quickly covered them with the book in his hand.

"I don't mean to disturb you from reviewing for the exam, it's just... I just happen to want to buy something, and... it seems like your birthday is coming soon?"

Hikigaya racked his brains and managed to come up with a presentable excuse, but the topic became increasingly unfavorable, causing his face to turn redder and redder.

Kushida seemed to realize something, and came up to him and put his arm around his shoulders: "Not bad! Let's go! I want to buy something too~ Let's go shopping together tomorrow!"

"Uh, oh, can you?"

Hikigaya looked quite surprised that Kushida would agree instantly.

Kushida smiled and said, "Is it not possible?"

Kushida looked back at him with a look that said, "You said you were going, so what are you doing now?", and Hikigaya had no room to back down.

"See you on Saturday, then."

"Well, see you on Saturday."

Kushida responded with a cheerful smile and voice, and Hikigaya sighed slightly upon seeing this, becoming more and more aware of what a terrible person he really was, and developed a strong sense of self-loathing.

Chapter 525: Hikigaya-kun, is there anything you are good at that you are not inferior to anyone else?

Saturday came in a flash.

During this period, Hikigaya was forced to go to the library to study every day, so that the time he spent with Karuizawa Megumi gradually increased. The estrangement between the two in the past gradually disappeared with the passage of time, and they even became like they were at the beginning of the school year without realizing it.

However, Hikigaya could sense that Karuizawa still held a grudge, and in fact, he did too.

If there is no way to expose the things in your heart that you are most reluctant to reveal to the sun, there is no chance of finding the real thing.

In addition to Karuizawa, Sakura Airi would also come to Hikigaya from time to time to ask for advice on her studies. Although Sakura's partner was a female student with better grades in the class, her personality made it difficult for her to interact with other people. Therefore, after the usual tutoring sessions, Sakura would often find a reason to come to Hikigaya.

As a result, Hikigaya became increasingly aware that everything about him had deviated from his expectations. He didn't know whether this deviation was a good thing or a bad thing, he just felt that he couldn't ignore this sense of dislocation.

Keyaki Shopping Center is not far from the dormitory. After getting up in the morning, Hikigaya walked towards the agreed place and soon saw Kushida who was dressed up carefully.

"Awaited."

Although Hikigaya arrived here at the agreed time, it seemed that it was not the case from the look on Kushida's face, so he had to speak like this.

"It didn't take long." Kushida smiled and quickly walked with him to the shopping mall.

If it were the Hikigaya of the past, he would definitely try his best to avoid appearing in such a crowded place with a celebrity like Kushida. If he was seen by others and caused meaningless criticism, it would be too troublesome.

However, nowadays he is gradually free of these burdens, undoubtedly due to the changes that have taken place in himself.

After arriving at the Beech Shopping Center, the two chatted casually.

"By the way, what are you planning to buy?" Kushida suddenly asked.

"It's a gift."

"Eh? Who is it for?"

"This……"

Faced with Kushida's aggressive attitude, Hikigaya was silent for a moment and then replied, "I don't know."

"puff."

Hikigaya's words made Kushida burst out laughing.

"What's so funny about this?"

"Isn't this funny?" Kushida covered his stomach, "You ran out to buy a gift but you don't even know who to give it to. What era of otaku are you from?"

"..."

Being mocked by Kushida, Hikigaya was helpless, but he did not answer the question. Instead, he suddenly said, "I have always been like this. Rather than making choices, I tend to delete the options I don't want. It's similar to the method of deletion. That's right, what I have always done is to constantly deny and try to leave only one choice in front of me."

Hikigaya looked at the empty streets around him. There were clearly not many people around, but for some reason he felt as if he was the only one who remained awake in the chaos.

To shake off the thought, he added: "I've never been good at making choices."

So there's no way to make a decision - I couldn't say this.

Hikigaya has always been like this, he has never been passionate about anything. With his personality, even if he finds something he is interested in, he will either give up after encountering setbacks, quit halfway, or deceive himself by saying "I don't really like it that much."

He has always been like this, but he doesn't think there is anything to be pessimistic about.

Most people are like this.

A great writer once said that human growth is about constantly giving up what you already have and growing up from loss.

But some people, like myself, never even had a goal before giving up.

So, what will the future be like for those who can’t even give up?

Hikigaya realized that due to these random thoughts, his conversation with Kushida had been interrupted for a long time.

He immediately looked at Kushida, only to find that the latter had also fallen into deep thought.

"Hikigaya-kun's idea is interesting, but that's because you still have room for choice." Kushida's murmur could be seen as an exclamation or a lament, "But some people have no room for choice from the beginning."

Kushida's words left Hikigaya speechless, unable to think of how to respond.

However, Kushida didn't seem to need a response. She let out a light breath, smiled, sat on a bench by the roadside, and made room for him.

The squeaking sound of the springs was unusually realistic and almost scared Hikigaya, but Kushida had made room for him, and it would not be nice to reject her kindness. It would also make me seem like I cared a lot, which was disgusting.

Although I do care and it is indeed disgusting!

So, Hikigaya sat down carefully.

"Hikigaya-kun, come to think of it, have you ever had a dream?"

Hikigaya didn't expect to be asked such a question. His answer was not very detailed, but he thought about it and said, "It depends on how you define a dream... If you just think of it, it counts. There are many. Presidents, rich people... There are also professional baseball players, heroes, cartoonists, idols, policemen... Doctors, lawyers, prime ministers, presidents, and oil tycoons."

"It's all about money. It's too realistic."

"Yeah, that's right. Even I want to ask myself what I'm talking about..." Hikigaya sighed, feeling slightly frustrated and increasingly disgusted with himself.

But he also took this opportunity to ask Kushida: "Speaking of which, Kushida, what is your dream?"

"Haha, that's easy to think of." Kushida said calmly, "To gain everyone's love, I have always taken actions towards this goal."

"Yes, then why did you fail in the first place..."

Hikigaya took a deep breath, and finally stepped into the area that Kushida didn't want anyone to step into.

"this--"

Kushida's reaction was clearly unexpected, and he looked shaken.

But she soon realized something and smiled helplessly: "I see, why did Hikigaya-kun suddenly invite me? So it turned out that you wanted to find out about my past?"

"This isn't prying. Should I say it's curiosity, or simply wanting to know more..."

Hikigaya tried desperately to find excuses, not wanting the other party to feel repulsed by his attitude.

Kushida himself sighed slowly after a brief silence: "Do you remember what I just said? Hikigaya-kun, do you know why I had such a dream?"

"This……"

In response to Kushida's sudden words, Hikigaya remained silent and wisely did not speak, because he could realize that what Kushida needed now was not his answer.

As expected, Kushida seemed to have finished his opening remarks and slowly spoke: "Hikigaya-kun, is there anything you are good at that you are not inferior to anyone else?"

Chapter 526: Once You've Seen Hell, You Won't Care About Tragedy

"What are you good at?" Hearing Kushida's question, Bai Feng hesitated for a few seconds and answered, "What about being disliked by others?"

"You guy..."

Kushida was so angry at Hikigaya's usual bad attitude that he even laughed.

But after hesitating for two seconds, she continued to speak:

"So I envy you and I like you, Hikigaya-kun. You are obviously a very powerful person, but you never care about other people's opinions. But I am different. I am just an ordinary person. Only when I feel the value that others do not have and that belongs only to me, at that moment I will feel real happiness."

"When you get first place in an exam or a race, you'll get everyone's attention, right?... Don't you get those moments where people look at you and say, 'You're so cool, so cute, so awesome?'"

Hikigaya could understand what Kushida said.

Although he himself didn't care about such things at all, he was very clear that humans were creatures who wanted to be praised.

No one hates being praised or respected by friends or parents.

Working hard just to be praised is a legitimate motivation, commonly known as the "need for respect," and is a basic and indispensable element in the formation of society.

"I think I probably rely on that kind of thing more strongly than the average person. I really want to show myself, I really want to be noticed, I really want to be praised." Seeing that Hikigaya understood, Kushida continued, "The moment I achieve this, I will truly feel how valuable I am and how great it is to be alive. But I know my limits. No matter how hard I try, I can never be number one in schoolwork or sports."

"Being second or third couldn't satisfy my desire, so I thought - I'll do something that no one else can imitate. I found that if I could be gentler and more kind than anyone else, I could become the best in this field."

Kushida revealed the source of her actions up to now, which is an important part of her current personality.

Hikigaya could completely understand Kushida's attitude, because most people are actually so hypocritical, but a gentleman judges by deeds, not by heart.

No matter what you think in your heart, what you actually do is what matters most.

Of course, since Kushida has failed, it means that she has not always been doing gentle things. There must be a problem in a certain link, which led to the problem of Lunji Bu Ruxin's perfect plan.

Kushida was not so eager to talk about her failure. She just said casually:

"In short, with this method, I did become a person that everyone trusted. Both boys and girls started to like me. I felt the pleasure of being relied on and trusted, and I spent elementary school and the first half of junior high school happily. That was the happiest time of my life."

When Kushida said this, there was a turn.

"However, continuing to do something you don't want to do is bound to be a painful thing. Even if you pretend to be something else, you can't keep doing it forever." Kushida seemed to be recalling the past. "At that time, while I was enjoying happiness, I also suffered the same degree of pain. I accumulated the kind of pressure that seemed to make me bald every day. I also pulled my hair out or vomited because of anxiety."

"But, in order to continue to be gentle, I can't let anyone see me like this, so I endure, endure, and endure."

Hearing what Kushida said, Hikigaya almost thought of what would happen next, and murmured: "It is better to unblock than to block. Your approach itself is wrong."

"It's better to relieve it than to block it..." Hearing Hikigaya's words, Kushida was stunned at first, and then he smiled bitterly, "What a precise statement. If I had known you in junior high school, maybe everything would be different. At that time, I didn't understand this truth, and I couldn't find any channel to vent, but my heart had reached its limit."

"In order to prevent myself from completely breaking down, I started writing articles on my blog, where I expressed the stress that I had hidden inside and couldn't tell anyone. Of course, I wrote everything anonymously, but it was all true. I poured out all the stress that I was under."

"I feel very happy when I do this. Thanks to the Internet and blogs, I can maintain my self-esteem. I am happy with the encouragement from unknown third parties. But one day, my blog was accidentally discovered by a classmate. No matter how hard I try to hide the names of the characters, it is natural that it will be discovered because the content is true."

"I was accidentally discovered saying countless bad things to the whole class, and I can't help being hated."

Kushida's words almost revealed all the tragedies she had caused.

Hikigaya had basically anticipated this development.

Kushida continued, "The next day, the content of the blog spread to the whole class, and I was severely criticized by everyone in the class. They had received a lot of help from me, but everyone's attitude suddenly changed. It was really selfish, right? The boy who said he liked me bumped into my shoulder. Although it was because I wrote in the blog that he confessed to me and was disgusted and hoped he would die, it was understandable."

"A girl whose boyfriend dumped her and whom I comforted kicked my desk because I wrote down the reasons why she was dumped in detail and laughed at her. In short, I felt that I was in danger because more than 30 classmates became my enemies."

Although most people would be surprised to hear about this situation, Hikigaya acted like he didn't feel anything because he had experienced similar cold violence before.

I have really been fighting the world alone since I was a child.

It's a good thing that I didn't turn evil like Kushida, otherwise the world would have been destroyed.

The whole world should thank me for my kindness.

Hikigaya complained in his mind and said, "However, according to Horikita, it wasn't you who lost in the end, but the whole class. How did you do that?"

Although he had guessed the result long ago, Hikigaya still asked.

As he thought, Kushida said calmly:

"Ordinary people might resort to lies or violence to get out of a crisis at a time like this, but I used nothing but the 'truth'."

"I tell all my classmates' secrets, like who they hate, or who they think is disgusting. I tell the truth that's not even on my blog."

"Then, most of the attacks directed at me turned to the people they hated. Boys started fighting each other, and girls pulled each other's hair and knocked each other down. The classroom was in chaos. It was really exaggerated at the time."

really.

Hikigaya nodded calmly.

At this point, Kushida's past has basically been revealed.

How should I put it? He himself wasn't particularly moved by Kushida's past, probably because he himself had seen deeper darkness before.

How could a person who had just been through hell be confused by a sudden car accident?