Unspeakable

Shen Kanyu went to the front desk to finish the discharge procedures, and print out the bill, but found that there were many fees that A’Sheng had paid for him, and he only had to pay a few hundred himself.

He took out his phone and tried to calculate the total bill, but the dizziness he felt earlier made her sight blur and kept him from counting on the calculator which took him a lot of time before he figures it out.

“Thank you A’Sheng ……”

He looked at the calculated figure and murmured his thank you to Gu Yansheng. He then took out the corresponding money from his backpack, wrapped it in tissue paper, put it in the bag containing Gu Yansheng’s jacket, and left the hospital towards the supermarket he usually goes to.

It was almost winter and the night wind on the street was very cold, since Shen Kanyu was afraid of the cold, he has to find a place to shelter from the wind for a while. However, his hands and feet were still cold, and his lips were frosty white.

He only wore a single loose sweatshirt on his upper body, holding Gu Yansheng’s thick jacket in his arms, he did not dare to take it out and wear it, just holding it through the plastic bag for warmth—mainly warming the stomach was very good, not to get the child inside gets cold.

He walked all the way to the supermarket, bought some fresh meat, vegetables, and fruits, and bought a large and a small two warm cotton clothes, stood in front of the supermarket for a while, before gathering the courage to walk into the direction of A’Sheng’s house.

He would look around after taking a few steps afraid that Gu Yansheng would suddenly appear and drive him away. Although he just came to deliver things and would not enter the house, he was afraid that A’Sheng would not listen to his explanation and thought that he wanted to go back again.

He has reformed himself, he was now self-aware, but he also knows that no one wants to believe him and no one would listen to him.

Fortunately, he didn’t see Gu Yansheng all the way. He carefully fumbled for the door to his house and put his things neatly on the shoe rack at the door. When he was ready to leave, he heard Tian Tian’s crisp and tender childish voice, calling grandma for her milk.

“Grandma, Tian Tian wants this!”

“When Tian Tian says she loves grandma, grandma will give it to you.”

“Tian Tian loves grandma!”

Only then did he realize that the door of the room was half open.

From the crack of the door, he could see Tian Tian and Song Li playing in the living room, and he could also hear them talking.

He looked at his daughter who was rolling around in her grandmother’s arms, and the tide of thoughts that had accumulated over countless days and nights came rushing in which made his nostrils sour, and his eyes unknowingly to him were already wet in an instant.

He had fantasized countless times that his daughter would act like a spoiled child in his arms, calling him dad in a not clever articulation, and as long as he gave her a bite of his favorite snack, she would smile and bend her eyes and say dad I love you.

But fantasy was only fantasy after all. He knew that his daughter didn’t like him, even before he “brainwashed” her. Because he was not good enough to her, he simply did not know how to love others, so that people would not feel bored. It was impossible to become a self-taught person without being taught.

He knows all this. If only he knows this self-knowledge before, he wouldn’t have to be so amorous as before. He would keep a distance and never approach them again.

But he already reformed himself, would they stop hating him so much?

Could they let him look a little more?

Could they, let him…hug them, just a little, and then after a hug he would go.

Shen Kanyu stroked the door frame and tried to push it away, but his fingers trembled more and more. He dared several times, but he still didn’t have the courage to do it.

As soon as he thought that he would be pushed away in disgust by his daughter and would make A’Sheng and Song Li angry, he didn’t dare to push the door open.

And there shouldn’t be any more of his shoes inside the house, he’ll only get the floor dirty walking in like this.

He….was too dirty.

He should be content. He shouldn’t take an inch. Because the door was not closed, he could see his daughter. God has been very kind to him, he mustn’t take an inch anymore.

His heart and the incision hurt very much. Shen Kanyu gradually fell to his knees, and his fingers almost dug into the hard security door. Some of his nails had been split, exuding bright red blood.

He let go of the door frame, with his hot and salty tears kept slipping down, making his frozen and molted cheeks sting unbearably, but he still subconsciously raised his sleeve and kept wiping his tears, sniffling very quietly, kneeling on his knees to the wall, using his fingernails to scratch a crooked little heart on the whitewashed wall.

Tian Tian, Daddy loves you.

A’sheng, I love you.

I won’t bother you anymore if I express it in this way, right?

Sorry, I didn’t understand it until so late.

I’m sorry.

—

Gu Yansheng almost went crazy looking for him and seeing him kneeling while crying at the doorstep, his heart suddenly erupted in pain so much that his head was blank. He had no time to care about everything else and with just a step across he took two or three steps and went straight over to the person kneeling and brought him into his arms.

Shen Kanyu was shocked, the whole person in his arms almost jerked after founding out it was him, he was so panicked that his face turned pale and his tongue felt like it was tied with his face still full of tears. But he still desperately squeezed out a pleasing smile, choked incoherently as he said.

“A’Sheng, you, you listen to me, I’ll explain, I did not go in, I came, I came to deliver something, I put it in the shoe rack, I, I’ll go, I’ll go right away.”

He did not expect Gu Yansheng did not hit him, nor immediately kicked him out, as if he was still willing to listen to his explanation, he hurriedly clutched Gu Yansheng’s sleeve, gasped, and said with difficulty.

“I did not mean to …… stay so long, the door was not closed I wanted to, I wanted to see Tang Tang, I miss her a little, I’m sorry ……”

“You clothes …… you forgot to take it, so I sent it back …… I also, bought some fruit, all very, very fresh, and, two coats …… “

He raised his head, and his dull and cloudy eyes struggled to focus on Gu Yansheng, he whispered pleadingly with his red eyes.

“You keep …… it, okay? Don’t, don’t throw it, keep it, it’s very warm. I know you guys …… don’t like me buying, I will not buy in the future, in the future …… this time you guys, keep it ……”

He wanted to buy a few more warm clothes for them because this winter seems to be particularly cold, but he did not have enough money so he left himself two or three months of rent money to buy those warm clothes and almost spend all of his remaining, and he still has to pay for the rent.

Gu Yansheng’s head was still blank, he only subconsciously nods and “um” to respond to Shen Kanyu’s words. The feeling of finding something that was lost always makes people ecstatic but at a loss at the same time. Right now he just wants to hold him to dispel that sense of unreality.

Tang Xiu followed Gu Yansheng and went over to weigh the things on the shoe rack. He couldn’t help taking a breath of cold air.

It was so heavy. He has never carried such things in his life.

Shen Kanyu was as thin as a dried fish, on top of that he had a long incision on his, not to mention he was also carrying a baby inside his stomach. Plus he was dressed in rags in this cold weather while he carries such heavy things from the hospital to the supermarket to his home in early winter. Was this something that people could do… It really drives people crazy.

“Tang Xiu.”

Gu Yansheng suddenly called out to him in a low voice, his voice hoarse with a slight tremor.

Tang Xiu hurriedly answered: “Hmm?”

“Bring me a coat.”

Gu Yansheng felt that the man in his arms was as cold as a piece of ice. He was shaking all over. He picked him up and put him on his leg, then took the coat from Tang Xiu and wrapped him up. He gently wiped his wet face.

“Is it cold? Is it better?”

Shen Kanyu stared at him, then shook his head desperately, trying to take off his coat.

“No, it’s not cold, this…this is your coat, I can’t wear it…”

Gu Yansheng pressed his cold hand, then held it in his hand and covered it.

“Be good and wear it.”

Hearing the words “be nice”, Shen Kanyu immediately sat down quietly and stopped moving. He just sucked his nose, rubbed his face, and murmured.

“But you won’t wear it again after I wear it. I know… This dress is very warm and good…”

It’s really a shame that he got it dirty.

Now he should be even dirtier in A’sheng’s eyes, having been touched by someone else…..was even dirtier.

Gu Yansheng could not hear clearly what he was saying and could only warm his hands while asking softly in a hoarse voice.

“Didn’t I say I would take you home? Why are you running around again—don’t rub it, your face is about to be rubbed off by you.”

Shen Kanyu stopped the movement of his hands, sluggishly digested Gu Yansheng’s words, and looked at him dully with red, wet eyes.

“Can I really….come back?”

Not a dream? Was A’Sheng really going to let him come back?

Gu Yansheng sighed, couldn’t help but touch his messy hair, and nodded gently.

“Alright, Alright, I’ll come back!”

Shen Kanyu nodded hard as he smiles very brightly but his eyes were still dull and cloudy. Gu Yansheng couldn’t see any light in it, he only saw a fawning smile, trying its very best to please him.

“A’sheng I’ll listen to you! But can you …… tell me in advance what it is that you want me to do? I rented outside, rented a house, I can …… not sleep here, I can go back there every day after I’m done, just tell me when I can come back here so I don’t have to bother you too much …… you, can you tell me?”

Such words, not to mention Gu Yansheng, Tang Xiu could not even bear to hear.

“What kind of nonsense are you saying, you are his wife, not the nanny they hire for their family!”

Shen Kanyu was stunned by his roar, lowered his head, and pressed his chest, muttering.

“I don’t want money…”

“…… What did you say? You don’t want what?” Tang Xiu suspected that his ears must have some defect.

“Don’t scare him.” Gu Yansheng turned his head to look at Tang Xiu reproachfully.

“Did I scare him ……?”

*** your pig eyes are polished and can see who your Xiayu is afraid of now.

Tang Xiu was so angry that he wanted to curse, seeing Shen Kanyu’s shivering he could only grit his teeth and hold it back.

Tang Xiu’s questioning made Shen Kanyu start sweating. He was afraid that Gu Yansheng would be angry and drive him away. His lips trembled for a while before he carefully said.

“A’Sheng, I really… Don’t want money. I just want to see you. I promise to leave after I finish doing everything every day. I won’t bother you. I don’t want anything. Really, you believe me.”

He wiped the sweat on his face carelessly as he gasped for breath because of palpitations. He smiled hastily at Gu Yansheng, and his lips were now blue.

“A’Sheng, you are normally always busy, and if you don’t have time to take care of the house, I can help you…I can help you…and you don’t have to spend money…so, do you think it is good? If you feel bad, I, I can also go now, it doesn’t matter…”

Gu Yansheng listened to his nonsense for a long time. He was so distressed that he didn’t know what to say, he tried to interrupt him several times, but he also remembered Tang Xiu’s words not to interrupt him. He had to wait silently for him to finish speaking before he took the man in his arms. After weighing his words in his heart, he slowly said.

“I let you go home because I want you to come back. You don’t have to do anything. Just stay at home and don’t run around.”

Shen Kanyu listened nervously, raising his hand from time to time to wipe the sweat on his face, and the more he listened, the more bewildered his eyes became.

Gu Yansheng sighed and said, “Did you hear that?”

“Ah …… hear, hear,” Shen Kanyu responded hastily, subconsciously nodding his head repeatedly.

“A’sheng I listen to you, I listen to you ……”

He wiped his sweat repeatedly with his injured and twisted left hand, panting to get out of Gu Yansheng’s arms, and buried his head very low.

“A’Sheng, I’m sorry, I’m a little hot, I, I’ll go outside…”

Gu Yansheng watched his face turn blue and purple, his breathing became more and more heavy and difficult, and he was trembling when he spoke. He subconsciously wanted to hold his hand and ask him what was wrong, but he found that his uninjured right hand was clinging to the hard concrete steps, his short nails had been torn open, and blood was seeping out silently. He was curled up in his arms, cold and trembling like chaff.

Gu Yansheng felt that he was cold and stiff from head to toe.

“Shen Kanyu… Shen Kanyu!”

Tang Xiu hurried over to hold Shen Kanyu on his shoulder to check the situation. After he knew that Shen Kanyu had a bad heart, he went to the cardiovascular department to study from time to time. Now he knew it was angina pectoris. He immediately stopped Gu Yansheng.

“Don’t be so loud. His heart can’t stand it.”

Gu Yansheng dare not shout again, he could only try to gently break his hand gouging the steps down, while breaking he also gently coaxed him.

“Do not scratch, okay, shout if you’re in pain, it doesn’t matter ……”

Shen Kanyu still didn’t let go, nor did he shout out, just panting with difficulty. Tang Xiu does not know how he endured this pain, perhaps only a mute would not say a word when the pain was so severe.

Tang Xiu endured the sourness in his nose and quickly took out the prepared nitroglycerin tablets from his pocket and let Shen Kanya swallow them. Fortunately, the drug took quickly and seeing that the symptoms have been alleviated, he immediately said.

“Go back to the hospital immediately, I’ll drive. You can’t carry him on your back, or he can’t breathe, don’t go too fast, don’t bump him or he may have hemoptysis. Remember to talk to him all the time, at this time it’s best not to make him lose consciousness.”

Tang Xiu turned around and like a rocket rushed downstairs.

Gu Yansheng nodded, and according to what Tang Xiu said, he picked up Shen Kanyu carefully and went downstairs smoothly, but couldn’t say anything. His throat was so sour that nothing could be said except to call out his name over and over again.

He heard Shen Kanyu responding to him, with his last strength.

“A’Sheng, I’m here…”

“I’m fine… Don’t be afraid…”

Gu Yansheng’s heart hurt so much that it was about to crack, and his eyes were uncontrollably moist.

This fool.