Unspeakable

When Shen Kanyu arrived at the hospital, his condition quickly stabilized. His back was well padded, but he still had difficulty in breathing, and he could only inhale oxygen with the help of the nose tube.

When he woke up from his drowsiness, Gu Yansheng was sitting by his bedside, gently stirring a steaming bowl of porridge.

A’sheng seems to have not eaten for a long time, he mustn’t affect his appetite.

The ten-centimeter-long incision in his upper abdomen was throbbing with pain, and his breathing become messy and restrained, afraid Gu Yansheng found him awake he could only soundlessly clench his teeth as he subconsciously tried to clutch the sheets with his hands. But since his left hand couldn’t exert force, and his right hand’s nails have split, a simple touch could bring him pain all over his body, and he couldn’t help but twitched.

Gu Yansheng heard his movement, and immediately put down the porridge and leaned over, gently ruffling his messy and moist forehead hair.

“Shen Kanyu?”

“Uh ……”

Shen Kanyu originally wanted to respond to him, but he couldn’t restrain himself from moaning. He desperately blocked his throat, suppressing the sound and making it almost inaudible, then raised his head with difficulty toward Gu Yansheng and smiled, he then said softly.

“It’s noisy and disturbing you, A’sheng I’m sorry. You eat first, you eat first, don’t worry about me, I, I’ll sit for a while …… just fine.”

“It didn’t bother me. Call me when you wake up,”

Gu Yansheng helped him shake up the bed and adjusted the soft pillow on his back.

“Where does it hurt?”

“No… no, it doesn’t hurt,” Shen Kanyu struggled to adjust his posture along with Gu Yansheng’s movements.

“A’sheng, hurry up… eat, you don’t have to worry about me.”

Gu Yansheng looked at his sweaty appearance and sighed.

“It’s okay to say if it hurts. If it hurts a lot, you can slightly use some painkillers.”

Shen Kanyu opened his mouth, his lips were shivering in pain, but eventually dropped his gaze and shook his head with a pale face.

He’d heard that using too much medicine could hurt the baby, and he didn’t have the money to buy that much medicine.

“Want some water?”

Since there was nothing that could be done, Gu Yansheng could only turn his head to pour him a cup of warm water.

“Thank you, thank you A’sheng, I’ll do it myself.”

Shen Kanyu hurriedly reached out to pick it up, Gu Yansheng saw that both his hands were bruised and bloodied, seeing this made his heart indescribably uncomfortable.

Shen Kanyu couldn’t exert force on his left hand, while the right fingertips of his right hand were shaking with pain because of a cracked nail. He couldn’t hold the cup firmly but still managed to reach the cup into his mouth. But since he couldn’t control the angle well the water directly fell down to his neckline.

Gu Yansheng was startled, afraid of water dripping on his wound he hastily took a handkerchief to help him wipe off the water, probably because the action was done suddenly, Shen Kanyu subconsciously curled up and hold his head, his body tensed up and he hissingly plea.

“A’sheng don’t hit me, don’t hit me, I don’t dare, I won’t drink anymore, please don’t hit me I beg you!!”

If it was in the past, it wouldn’t matter if A’s sheng was unhappy and beat him or scold him, it didn’t matter what happened, he could beat it but now… he still has a small life in his stomach, such a small and fragile life must be very afraid of pain.

He did not know what he had done wrong again, his brain was too dizzy to turn around and check, there was no way to think about the fault he did one by one and just vaguely thought that A’sheng might have blamed him for spilling the water, or perhaps…. did not want him to drink the water.

Was it… he couldn’t eat and drink water, was it all a waste of food for him to eat and drink?

—

When Shen Kanyu woke up from his operation, he saw a lunch box at the head of his bed. He opened it and saw that there was a bowl of hot corn, radish, and spareribs soup. It was sweet and rich. He knew it was made by his mother. The temperature of the hot soup was warm, and the steaming steam made his eyes moist and hot.

He did not know that he was not allowed to eat after surgery and could not care less about the sharp pain of the incision, he picked up a spoon to scoop up a little soup and sent it with trembling hands to his mouth.

But before he could taste the soup, he was slapped from the side, the spoon fell off his hand and falls to the ground making a crackling sound. The corners of his dry, fragile lips instantly broke open, and the fishy-sweet liquid slowly seeped out and trickled onto his chin.

He looked up in a daze and saw his mother’s blue-white face, her eyes full of anger and even resentment. He opened his mouth blankly and mumbled to his mother, but not a sound came out.

“Shen Kanyu. You really are a calamity.”

“You had a heart attack, why didn’t you say so?”

“You did it on purpose, you wanted to get your father killed, didn’t you?!”

Shen Kanyu stared at her in a daze and listened to her. His eyes unconsciously began to shed tears. Big ones rolled down, mixed with the blood on his chin, and fell on the white sheet drop by drop.

“You’re crying? What face do you have to cry? Your brother has been sick so painfully since he was little, I have never seen him cry, what are you suffering from crying here?!”

Li Qing was so angry that she slapped him again.

No, I didn’t feel wronged or hurt.

I just feel sorry.

Sorry, I didn’t do it well.

Shen Kanyu strained to open his mouth, the blood flowing from the corner of his lips sipping out more and more, but he could not make a sound, let alone say a word.

He could only raise his hand to wipe away his tears, but he couldn’t finish.

He didn’t want to cry, but he didn’t know why his tears kept flowing, as if his tear ducts were out of control.

It was so hard.

Li Qing saw that his tears were getting worse. Instead of beating him, he raised his hand and knocked the bowl of hot soup over to the ground. He said coldly, “I was so dizzy making soup for you but do you deserve it?”

I’m sorry.

I’m really sorry.

I know I don’t deserve it, but you still made some for me because you care for me.

—

“Shen Kanyu, don’t do that, you’ll press the wound!” Gu Yansheng was so anxious but did not dare to use brute force on him and could only calm down and say in a deep voice.

“Listen to me, I will not hit you, no matter what you do in the future, I will not hit you, don’t be afraid.”

I won’t hit you again.

Such words were also said by his mom and dad.

But they still beat him.

It’s impossible for someone as bad as him not to be taught a lesson.

How could he not be beaten when he repeatedly made mistakes?

Shen Kanyu was still curled up as hard as he could to protect the child in her belly as his body trembled.

Gu Yansheng has no choice, his very light touch would make Shen Kanyu’s body tremble like an electric shock, and an extremely weak whimper sounded like a frightened small animal was coming from his throat.

He closed his eyes and sat on the edge of the bed holding Shen Kanyu’s entire body tightly in his arms.

He began to struggle, hissing as he said, “don’t hit me, I know I’m wrong, I’ll never dare again.”

He also said that in the future, he would not eat and drink, nor waste money just because he was sick. And he could do whatever Gu Yansheng wanted him to do, he could be a nanny and promise not to ask for money.

He said that he could leave the hospital now, buy vegetables, prepare meals, clean A’sheng’s house, and then he would leave.

He also said he would be very obedient in the future and won’t fool around anymore as he begged Gu Yansheng not to hit him.

Gu Yansheng listened to him talking this nonsense and felt his heart was torn open mercilessly, and his entire chest was stifled. He could only gently pat Shen Kanyu’s weak and stiff back and repeatedly said: don’t be afraid if I won’t hit you.

After thinking about it, he added: no one dares to beat you here. Don’t be afraid.

Shen Kanyu reacted to his comfort and stopped talking nonsense and struggling. Instead, he gently held his sleeve with his hand and carefully called his name: “A’sheng.”

Gu Yansheng held his hand and stroked it soothingly while his other hand took a handkerchief to dry the water stains on his chest: “I’m here. Don’t be afraid.”

“A’sheng.”

“I’m here.”

“A’sheng.”

“I’m here.”

Gu Yansheng does not know how many times Shen Kanyu called him, anyway, he responded patiently one by one and did not fall behind once.

“A’sheng …… I miss you ……”

“I know, I’m here.”

He knew he missed him.

How could he not miss him? When they lived together before, he was all alone, watching him from afar, not daring to come close easily, and sometimes when he sensed his sight and turned his head to look over, he would quickly lower his gaze and burrow into his room, like a fish that had just emerged from the water to spit bubbles and was scared back into the depths of the pool.

Later, when he left home, he didn’t know who bullied him or what grievances he suffered outside when he wasn’t with him. He is a stupid fish again. He doesn’t know how to talk when he comes back. He just says he misses him.

Gu Yansheng sighed and could only be thankful that he was still willing to rely on him. Tang Xiu said that Shen Kanyu had shown some symptoms of autism and anxiety because of long-term psychological and physical stress, coupled with pregnancy—he was afraid to communicate with people, causing him to get anxious easily, and disoriented. But if he could still be appeased, it means it’s not that serious.

In addition, after consulting a psychologist, Tang Xiu especially emphasized to Gu Yansheng that Shen Kanyu was now like a glass full of ice water. If he wants him to warm up, he could only warm it up slowly with his hands over his hands, instead of directly baking it on the fire, which would cause the glass to burst. So he was forbidden to confess to Shen Kanyu at this time and was advised to encourage him and tell him he was here for Shen Kanyu. What’s important now was a stable company, not strong stimulation. It’s the best way for him to slowly feel the fact that “A’sheng likes me”.

The unbelieving Tang Xiu has actually planted a seed to assure Shen Kanyu: don’t you think A’sheng already likes you a lot?

Shen Kanyu’s reaction? Was not generally fierce and repulsive. He almost collapsed and said to Tang Xiu: No, he won’t like me. Don’t say that. Don’t let anyone hear you. If he hears it, he will hate me.

Gu Yansheng can only swallow those few words into his stomach, rubbed his messy fine soft hair, and smoothly rubbed to the back of his neck, warmly said.

“I promise I will always be here, don’t be afraid.”

Shen Kanyu lying in his arms as his emotions gradually calmed down, but he was still confused his red eyes and wet eyelashes looked at him but his unable to decipher what he was thinking.

Gu Yansheng poured another cup of warm water, and sent it to his mouth, he obediently holds the rim of the cup to drink water, knowing that he was thirsty for too long and had difficulty swallowing when his throat was dry and swollen. Gu Yansheng waited for him to swallow a little with difficulty before feeding him again so that he could drink more smoothly, and finally drank most of the water in the cup.

Gu Yansheng looked at the wound at the corner of his mouth, reached out, and gently touched it, he cowered and avoided it so he withdrew his hand and asked.

“How did you get it here?”

Shen Kanyu lowered his head and whispered after a long time: “I was careless… bit it.”

“Bite?”

Gu Yansheng tried it silently and found that even if he tried to bite deliberately, he could not bite the corner of his mouth. He looked at the slightly swollen bruises on his face on the same side as the injured corner of his mouth and had his own judgment inwardly.

“Are you hungry? Have some congee?” Gu Yansheng picked up the porridge and felt that the temperature was just right, “I’ll feed you.”

Shen Kanyu refused, saying he would dirty the dishes and porridge of A’sheng, so he won’t eat.

Gu Yansheng felt that it was useless to say more, so he scooped up a spoonful and ate it himself, then scooped up a spoonful and fed it to him.

Shen Kanyu looked at the porridge in a daze, and then looked at him.

Gu Yansheng smiled: “What’s wrong, don’t like me?”

Shen Kanyu shook his head in a hurry and opened his mouth to eat the spoon of porridge. He hasn’t tasted the taste of fresh food for a long time, and A’sheng fed it to him. The feeling was too strange and unreal. He slowly tasted the porridge in his mouth and even couldn’t bear to swallow it.

“Delicious …… so sweet ……” he murmured, his voice hoarse with a slight choking, the tip of his nose was sore, his eyes were vaguely dense with moisture again, he desperately held back, not letting the salty, warm liquid inside flow out.

He could bear it, so he mustn’t cry. He was not aggrieved or afraid of pain. He just had a meal. If he cried like this, he would be hated.

“Do you like sweet food? Next time I’ll ask my mother to put more corn and red dates, it will be sweeter.”

Gu Yansheng continued to repeat the action of eating and feeding him. He ate a spoonful by himself, and Shen Kanyu also ate a spoonful. Shen Kanyu had a wound at the corner of his mouth, and it was difficult to swallow. He ate very slowly, but he waited patiently with a spoon in his hand so that he could take his time without worrying. He wanted to tell him in his own way that Shen Kanyu was not dirty at all, and that he does not dislike him.

Shen Kanyu was still sick after all, his mental state was very poor, and eating was a very laborious thing. After eating spoonful after spoonful, he got exhausted and pass out leaning on Gu Yansheng.

Gu Yansheng put down the porridge, and slowly rocked the bed down. It might be the knife wound hurts again or it might be because he couldn’t endure the pain like before after falling asleep as cold sweat broke out from his forehead and he still habitually bit his lips.

Seeing the blood seeping out again, Gu Yansheng hurriedly pressed his lower lip.

“Good boy, do not bite your lips, shout if it hurts, it’s okay.”

Unable to bite his lips, and because he was in a semi-coma state, Shen Kanyu was sobbing and whimpering in pain. Gu Yansheng held his hand and whispered in his ear.

“Shout it out. It’s okay. I’m here. I will not get sick of you. Don’t bear it.”

Although he finally did not cry out in pain, he at least gradually and peacefully fell asleep.

His wet forehead was pasted on his pale and transparent face, his eyelashes were still slightly trembling, and he still had difficulty in breathing and slow. He looked like a piece of wet white paper, which would rot if touched, and he was too fragile to be hit.

He doesn’t want anyone to touch him anymore.

Gu Yansheng leaned down and gently kissed his cold forehead.

Suddenly he heard the sound of his phone vibrating, from Shen Kanyu’s backpack. He reached over to the backpack, took out the phone, and saw a text message from “mom” on the screen, he hesitated for a moment and opened the text message.

The text message was very short, only six words: remit 50,000 yuan over.

Gu Yansheng deleted the message without expression. His eyes darkened, like a bottomless vortex.